Guest staying for 2 full weeks every Christmas without asking

[Lightthatnevergoesout]

I have got a great relationship with both of DH's divorced parents. We get along fine and I love it when they come over. However, DH's relationship with his dad has always been really cold and all they talk about is grandchildren (our kids) and sports. It becomes even more obvious when they can spend hours sitting next to one another on a sofa without having any deep conversations. I end up constantly coming up with the topics to talk about.

Every single winter my father in law comes over and stays in a flat in a house next to us every Christmas. He hasn't got any interests of his own so comes to simply follow whatever we are doing. For example he would often come over to our house at 7 am and leave at 22.30 to sleep in his accommodation. During the day he would stay in the living room the whole day expecting for us to have some kind of plans every single day.

Christmas break is the only break my DH gets from his job and because his father in law comes for these whole 2 weeks we often don't even get a chance to spend one on one time together. He is bad at babysitting kids ad he shouts and gets anxious if they misbehave and on the times we attempted to sneak out on a date he lost it with the kids.

We have politely hinted that we might have plans/friends over/a short booked trip but that really doesn't seem to change much as he would just come for 1 day less. DH gets really anxious prior to him coming but then again failed to say anything and now we are once again stuck with him coming for 14 full days which would mean us cooking every single day, cleaning, washing and planning activities . We feel often trapped in our house as he can knock on the door when we are still sleeping or stay till 23 when we both just want to spend time together !

AIBU To think that my husband should have talked to him earlier (he had whole year since last Christmas) and explained that it is too long for a visit and really doesnt leave us with any time to just sit in our pyjamas and relax the way we might want to?

He's coming in nine weeks, 63 days, telling him no, it doesn't suit, is not last minute. And he didn't even ask if he was welcome, he's invited himself. He's not considering anyone else.

For all intents and purposes he is staying there if he's there from 7am til 10/11 at night.

There are so many ways you can improve this:

• Shorten the time FIL comes around every day
• Just tell FIL you're not available if you have friends visiting or family plans (give him a couple of takeaway menus and he can sort himself out).
• Do a mix of family things with FIL but also some without (see points above)
• Stop entertaining FIL all the time and go about your business regardless. It's totally fine to go for a nap and leave him in the lounge by himself. Ensure DH is aware so he's responsible for the kids if FIL isn't the best babysitter.
• Ease up on the cleaning and get FIL to whizz the hoover around.

FIL can absolutely stay next door for 2 weeks but he doesn't have to sit at your house for 18 hours a day for 2 weeks, nor do you have to feed him dinner every day.

DH won't deal with FIL because he has no incentive to do so. You either make it DH's problem so he is incentivised, or you deal with FIL yourself.

He's not the sort of person who gets hints. You don't need to hint, you and your husband need to be very direct. I can't believe you thought it would be rude to take a nap while you were ill/ bad ankle!

I agree. He either doesn't get hints or chooses not to get them.

Exactly this!

We don't do any of those things but I get the point. The 4 of us just want to be watching movies with kids under a blanket and eating ice cream for at least 5 days during Christmas without needing to pretend anything or come up with anything we do that in our day to day life all the time . We have got 2 small kids I can't just leave my DH and my father in law to watch sports for 2 weeks or relax on the sofa whilst I am with the kids doing activities outside because I need 'to do my own thing'?

That's a good point neither of us know.

If no one is bothered about him coming and no one wants him there why is he coming? It's everyone's holiday.

Well, if little comments are going to lead to an argument, then it’s up to them to either sort their relationship or not. Stop being their peacemaker. They are both using you as an emotional buffer and you need to stop being available for them to do this.

• Tell him what time he can come each day, and do not answer the door if he knocks before that time. 7am is taking the piss.
• only do whatever housework/cooking you feel you need to on any given day. If you and the kids want cheese on toast for dinner, so be it. If FIL objects to a bit of mess or a low-effort meal, just shrug. Not your problem.
• how old are the kids? Can you arrange to take them to see friends on some days? Or have friends round to yours? There is no reason why your social life should stop just because FIL is sitting in your living room. “FIL, we’ve got friends coming for mulled wine later on.” Just tell him it’s happening. If he’s not comfortable with that, he can go to his flat.

Just live your life. And stop trying to sort the father/son relationship out. Men rely on women for this sort of emotional labour and it’s bullshit. If they kick off with each other again, tell them to fuck off next door or down the pub or whatever, just leave and stop upsetting the kids. Get angry. Fucking manchildren.

I agree you need to put him more in the family muck in camp.

You set the agenda even if it’s doing nothing but watching movies and ice cream. If you want a nap or go to bed early you announce that’s what you’re doing.

Give tasks or bread etc needed from the shop and give it every day. You have to dictate your routine and he fits in or not. You say you are going out “see you later”. Etc etc

How does he manage to rent the property at the same time every year? Is this his own property next door?

Do men rely on it or just put up with it?

Chat is annoying. Fuss is annoying. Anything other than what OP would need to run the house anyway is annoying.

Then you don't hint, you tell.

'You're welcome for Christmas between 24 and 27th but a long break doesn't work as we have other plans and also need some quiet time'.

It's your husband that should be doing this but he won't so you'll have to. A text is fine. He can reread it for clarity.

Lots of agents prefer it. In fact give first refusal to last year’s tenants. Repeat business is easier.

if your FIL and your husband argue, or your FIL gets mad because you watched Frozen with your kids 5 times in a row, or he dislikes eating ice cream for every lunch, or he disapproves of cheese sandwiches for tea, or he gets bored because you haven't planned "outings" then this seems all to the good because maybe then he'll decide not to stay so long next year. Do you and your dh even get to be intimate with your FIL around for your entire waking hours of your holiday? It just sounds like he comes over and ruins your kids' entire two weeks of holiday time by grumping and expecting to be catered to and treated like a whiny 3 year old who must always be given whatever he wants lest he have a huge tantrum. He's not bringing anything to the table, whether in grandpa-ness or dad-ness. He's just taking from all of you, including the kids.

Are the kids in school or younger?

I agree with laying down some ground rules. Maybe spell it out to him that you need evenings alone at least 4 times a week when the kids are in bed so he needs to go back to the flat.
Maybe he thinks he'll upset you by not coming round?
There's kind ways to say this stuff. He's probably just not considered it from your POV especially as a single person who has plenty of time to be 'home alone'.

Explain you don't get that time due to work/kids so holiday time is precious.

He probably likes to just be around his family and feel like part of the family unit for 2 weeks of the year. I’d just do your own thing as you would with him there and let him potter about . He doesn’t sound like he would mind being left to sit and watch tv or be offended if you went for a nap or out without him.

Just to say that I have no intention of fixing their relationship I have not got time or strength for that. I only start normal conversations because otherwise my father in law sits and looks in his phone and my husband is listening to his music in headphones.

I got 2 small kids and yes they enjoy the company of their grandpa as they haven't got that from any other grandparent in their life.

Haven't RTFT. Has anyone suggested that FIL could go somewhere else, like one of those hotels that do Christmas? He must be paying to stay in the house next door, so he could pay to go elsewhere, & have the company of others.

I have to say, he sounds like rotten company, though, so I pity anyone else at the hotel.

Your DH needs to be blunt with him.

'Great that you can come at Christmas but please leave after 3 days.'

Be specific and directional.
Stop being a skivvy.

Also invite him at other times of the year.

Yes I know that. Hence me not being firm enough on dates before and feeling quite sorry for him not having anyone else in his life especially during Christmas. But of course my DH knows his character better and knows why he hasn't got anyone else and how stubborn he can be. As I said its a difficult one but I suppose I will have to be firm that he has got to leave by the 28th as I would actually want to see and accommodate some of our family friends for once.

You seem to allow your FIL to change the way you live when he is around.
Just carry on as normal.

If he’s there for meals just do an extra plate,
If he’s around and he joins in the conversation that’s great, if not hay ho.
Dont ignore him, don’t avoid him, but if he fancies a cup of tea then hay, he can make one for everyone.

Hang around the house if you want to, lol on the sofa in you jammies. Tell him it’s a relax day. Or just tell him the days you’ve organised something, if he wants to join you, whilst all other days are free.

Personally I wouldn’t arrange anything for the first few days at all. Just to make the point.
When grandparents live with their children they don’t normally expect constant entertainment,( adults are not young children )so don’t provide it.

Meanwhile you need to set boundaries re the current situation of him turning up early and leaving late, for example.

Yes, you’ve got the txt so now it’s your chance to txt back that these dates don’t suit you but between this and that would be ok.
Ignore the booking info, he didn’t ask you so it’s on him. Just try for once to open polite and factual conversation about the situation otherwise you will stay in this situation 20 years down the line.

To be honest I think if he's already booked it, then it's probably a bit late to shorten his stay this year but do check the cancellation policy / see if your DH is willing to tell him to change it.

Re coping with his stay whether it's 4 or 14 days:

1. Give him a breakfast hamper for his own place when he arrives. Bread, butter, jam, coffee, milk etc. Tell him that you and DH need some downtime after a stressful few months so if he can breakfast at his place and then you will meet up for whatever activities are planned for the day. Make sure the first few day's activities start around 10 and some are out of the house. Leave a bolt on / key in the lock so he can't get in before whatever time you agreed. If he turns up early say 'I though we agreed we were meeting at 10'

2. on at least one night plan a Xmas night out with your girlfriends - ideally starting early so you don't cook dinner for family. Let DH cope. Or not cope.

3. Tell FIL about a friend or couple who was planning to come and see you / stay over Christmas but you put them off this year as FIL was coming. Plant the seed that you could be doing lots of other things if you were not hosting him. If your parents / siblings are not in the picture you can't use them as a way of alternating who you spend Christmas with so find someone else.

4. If he didn't spend Christmas with you where would he be and who with? Ask about them / what goes on at Christmas where he lives and say it sounds interesting / fun / whatever. Get him thinking about what he could be doing if he wasn't with you and how that might not be so bad.

5. At few times tell DH and FIL you are going to bed early as you are tired. Just go. if you can get your husband to say he wants an early night so FIL has to leave early even better.

6. don't feel bad about silences, wearing your PJs, having a tiff with DH, telling the kids off, watching stuff on TV which FIL won't like, not constantly offering drinks, cake etc. Just act like he's not there - not being rude to him but acting like he's family and part of the furniture.

Then either before he goes or shortly after set out the expectation for Christmas 2024 so he has a lot of time to get used to a shorter visit or no visit at all.

To me, it’s cruel of your husband to lay this on you every year. He doesn’t try to stop it because he doesn’t want the hassle and lets you take on the full emotional/life admin burden of facilitating their interactions. It’s awful, that without your diplomacy, they row and your husband doesn’t care about the effect of that on your children.
I’m more inclined to be annoyed with your husband than his elderly and possibly neurodiverse father. It’s so mean to dump all this on you.