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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go it alone at 23?

153 replies

youcannevergoback · 08/10/2023 12:51

I'm 23, I'm a primary school teacher and enjoying it well enough. I live in a very cheap area of the UK and have bought a house. I've always loved children and recently started looking seriously at the process of becoming a foster carer now that I have my own place.

However I've always been desperate for children of my own and have been waiting for the right man to come along, except I've just sat down and given it a thought-- I can't imagine living with a man. I never really have, unless my little brother counts. I've never really felt that urge to have a relationship and was only in one short lived one once.

I don't really want to travel (I spend a month or so a year with family that lives abroad and have since I was about 5). I've never liked going out. I adore children and think I do well with them, so I'm asking myself now why not just look into having children alone. I feel ready and most girls my age (in my area) already have children, so I don't see why I wouldn't be capable. Work will definitely be the biggest issue as it seems so sad to put your child in nursery young but then again I don't suppose there are many housewives around so that would be the same with a partner!

Poke some holes in my plans please Smile

OP posts:
AngryBirdsNoMore · 08/10/2023 12:54

Don’t want to be an arse in the first post but…why is it “so sad” to put your child in nursery?

Check your employer has a good maternity leave policy - there are still companies than do 9-12 months full pay.

Consider the cost of childcare. I’m a higher rate taxpayer and childcare for two kids +
mortgage (London) is equivalent to my entire income.

And consider your support network around you - unpaid and paid.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 08/10/2023 12:56

You say you don't like going out but having your own child is a never ending amount of responsibility especially if you are a lone parent. I never really felt bothered about nights out but desperate for a break now. Do you have family to help? We don't. It is difficult.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/10/2023 12:56

Work out nursery/childminder costs. Will you be able to get a term time only contract? What’s your plan B for when your baby picks up all the germs and can’t go in?

margotrose · 08/10/2023 12:58

What will you do when your baby is too unwell to attend nursery?

Do you have anyone who can help you when you inevitably need a break from solo parenting 24-7 for the next 18 years?

Original poster
youcannevergoback · 08/10/2023 13:02

I have two family members who work part-time and exclusively work nights who I think I could rely on should baby not be able to go to nursery, I'm 99% sure that if I paid them one of the other would accept.

@ginandtonicwithlimes This is a good consideration! Thanks

Thank you everyone! @AngryBirdsNoMore Sorry, didn't meant to sound judgmental about nursery, I remember loving it honestly so my comment was silly-- I'll look into everything you said :)

OP posts:
EdgeOfACoin · 08/10/2023 13:03

I love being a mother but I would never voluntarily adopt or have IVF on my own.

Having another involved parent makes a huge difference.

forrestgreen · 08/10/2023 13:04

How will you facilitate the foster care meeting with social workers/parents etc

PrudeyTwoShoes · 08/10/2023 13:05

Fellow primary school teacher. For the post about mat leave, pay is rubbish compared to the private sector!! I'm 29 (turning 30) and currently on mat leave with baby number 2. After my first I dropped my hours to part time as full time was unmanageable. All those (many, many) extra hours you put in that you don't get paid for soon feel much more of a burden, especially since you should be spending them with your family. If you wanted to drop to part-time, would this be sustainable for you?

Nursery is also a huge expenditure. Before I dropped to part-time I had to remain full time as there want a position available. I was spending around £1400 per month (it's probably more now as that was 3.5 years ago!) on childcare. Could you feasibly cover the rest of the bills taking this into account?

margotrose · 08/10/2023 13:06

I have two family members who work part-time and exclusively work nights who I think I could rely on should baby not be able to go to nursery, I'm 99% sure that if I paid them one of the other would accept.

How would someone who works nights be able to look after a baby all day?

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2023 13:07

You’re only 23. Things you can’t imagine ever wanting - and conversely, things you really want currently - are very likely to change over the next decade or so.

Being a parent is hard. Being a single working parent is harder.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 08/10/2023 13:08

Missed the foster carer bit. Presumed it was IVF alone or self insemination. Aren't they usually children that have a lot of issues? Mightn't being by yourself make it harder?

ArcticBells · 08/10/2023 13:14

You are so young. Live a bit of life first, build your career and give yourself a chance to meet someone you could have children.

Desecratedcoconut · 08/10/2023 13:20

Honestly? I think you are making your life harder than it needs to be to pursue this on your own at your age. Yes, some women get to the stage where they are boxed in to these decisions but you are giving up the opportunity of another future where you fall in love, have a baby and raise it together and build a family for them with the shared time and resources of two parents.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 08/10/2023 13:20

I'm a bit confused about what you are proposing here ? Foster carer, adoption or IVF ? A foster carer involves temporary care - emergency, long term, short term, how are you seeing this ?

User63847439572 · 08/10/2023 13:22

At 23?

zendeveloper · 08/10/2023 13:32

What I would do in your shoes is save a good amount for the next 5 years or so - make sure you have a good cushion and you can invest in minimising your outgoings and securing your future (paying off the mortgage, maybe get a buy to let property) - then around 29-30 have two kids in quick succession and stay with them at home until school.

As people say above it is indeed much easier with a second parent, but totally not impossible on your own. Possibly look into conscious co-parenting rather than a donor / one night stand route.

MaggieBsBoat · 08/10/2023 13:36

You are 23!

i was a parent by 23.
Looking back it was the daftest thing to do.
It took me years to sort my life out financially and in retrospect I wouldn’t recommend early parenting to anyone- foster or otherwise, especially alone.

You are so young.
The world is a big place.
As a teacher your income will be capped but you can do so much with your education around the world.
You can do awesome things for communities and children.

TweedTart · 08/10/2023 13:36

Fostering is a completely different prospect to having your own children (whether through adoption or biologically). It’s a paid role and it wouldn’t be compatible with teaching. I would also say you are too young, really. You don’t have the life experience that in my opinion makes a solid foster career.

I also personally wouldn’t rush into ‘going it alone’ with having a child at 23. Why the rush? You could meet a great guy and be married and have a home and family life - you’ve got so much time. Single parenthood is hard. The whole financial, practical and emotional burden falls to you and they don’t stay little cuties for long…

Dumbles · 08/10/2023 13:38

Op… not sure how to say this kindly but this is bonkers!

I get it, the maternal drive can be so strong. One day you will be a mum and it will be wonderful and you will love it. However, you are so young and this really isn’t the right thing for you.

What you are saying comes across a bit immature. If other girls have babies young where you live have you considered experiencing a different town/city? You are only 23, if you had gone to uni you would only just have finished a couple of years ago. You are just starting out your career & life. It’s not surprising you’ve not had a long term partner or lived with a guy yet as you are 23!

How are you planning to get pregnant? I feel like this could all be a bit selfish and unfair on the guy. Are you going to tell him that he is a dad and that you purposely made it happen with no consideration of whether he wants a child? What about when your kid wants to know him?

If you love kids so much why don’t you look at charity befriending schemes. You can be a mentor where you meet up with a child every weekend for two years. That would suit you down to the ground. Or look at a career in a child related industry?

Obviously it depends on your support networks but to bring up a child alone isn’t something you should go into lightly.

Hufflepods · 08/10/2023 13:39

I've always loved children and recently started looking seriously at the process of becoming a foster carer now that I have my own place.

You’ve started seriously looking into it but somehow believe as a single person working full time got would actually pass to foster a baby never mind a child in general??

PosterBoy · 08/10/2023 13:40

Biggest issue ... age.

You are too young, which is why you think your idea is a good one

Is there some kind of rush?

always2323 · 08/10/2023 13:41

To me, you do not sound ready at all! You sound really naive. Being good at your job as a school teacher means nothing, parenting is a whole different level.
What if you got PND, what if your child had additional needs that requires extra care?
You're already planning on and assuming you can rely on others to care for your child so you can do what you want.
And totally being dismissive of the fact that a child does benefit from having 2 parents albeit we know that can't always and doesn't always happen.
I'd have a rethink.

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2023 13:42

Social services are always saying they are desperate for foster carers and they are happy to consider older and younger people so it’s worth having a chat with them.

Would you consider respite care or short term fostering during school holidays? There are many, many meetings and contacts that foster parents have to attend. It’s possible that you might be able to make it work while working but hard to see how.

penpep · 08/10/2023 13:44

Get a side hustle as a babysitter? Get yourself a puppy?? Don't limit your future options yet by having a baby. Wait a few more years.

niclw · 08/10/2023 13:45

I'm a secondary school teacher and a solo mum by choice. My DS is 5 years and was conceived through IUI with donor sperm at a clinic. I have no family within easy driving distance to support but I went ahead with my plans anyway. I saved up as much money as I could prior to my IUI and during my pregnancy. I made spreadsheets to show my estimated income at each stage of my maternity leave. I have no regrets about followed msg this path. In fact I'm sure that I have an easier life than my friends as I don't have to consult another person before making decisions about my son. I wish I could spend more time with my son during the week but I have no option other than to work full time. It is hard but we make it work. My parents help out with on days I have parents evenings and thankfully I have a very understanding headteacher. Unfortunately I had always planned to drop to 3 or 4 days when my son started school so I could do the school run like a normal mum but due to cost of living I have had to continue working full time. I still have this plan but it is just delayed. I was older than you when I started the process on conceiving but if it is what you want, then go ahead. I wish I had done it sooner. I would definitely have two children by now otherwise. My age and lockdowns prevented me trying for a 2nd. Good luck x