to go it alone at 23?

[youcannevergoback]

I'm 23, I'm a primary school teacher and enjoying it well enough. I live in a very cheap area of the UK and have bought a house. I've always loved children and recently started looking seriously at the process of becoming a foster carer now that I have my own place.

However I've always been desperate for children of my own and have been waiting for the right man to come along, except I've just sat down and given it a thought-- I can't imagine living with a man. I never really have, unless my little brother counts. I've never really felt that urge to have a relationship and was only in one short lived one once.

I don't really want to travel (I spend a month or so a year with family that lives abroad and have since I was about 5). I've never liked going out. I adore children and think I do well with them, so I'm asking myself now why not just look into having children alone. I feel ready and most girls my age (in my area) already have children, so I don't see why I wouldn't be capable. Work will definitely be the biggest issue as it seems so sad to put your child in nursery young but then again I don't suppose there are many housewives around so that would be the same with a partner!

Poke some holes in my plans please

I am asexual

I made the same decision as you at the same age

No regrets

I have also fostered a lot as well, and it is harder to fit into a full time teaching timetable than having your own. I stopped fostering because I could not make all the social worker meetings which had to be in office hours

I’m a single mother by choice and couldn’t imagine having a partner! Different stokes and all that!

I had my first at 28 and that was right for me. Honestly op, I'd enjoy a few more years of being selfish. It's nice to look back on memories from before kids and what I did, fun I had etc.

Could you start saving now to pay for the childcare years? So if you have to be part time until they're 3/4 atleast you'd have savings to supplement it? Are you tied into your mortgage for a while so you know thats not going to suddenly jump while you're off work for instance.

I know at 23 you might not feel young. You sound similar to me when I was your age. You have responsibilities and a stable job, of course you are a fully fledged adult..however 23 really is still young to make this decision. I'd wait a few more years, you've got plenty of time.

Have a listen to Gemma Atkinsons new podcast The Overshare. There is a topic on there with a woman who went it alone and used a sperm donor as she never wanted a relationship. It's really great listening.

I can’t work out if you mean you want to foster alone or have a baby alone. But you are SO young! Unless you have solid reasons to doubt your fertility, I don’t see the harm in waiting a few years at least, just because you might find what you want from life changes.

If you think it’s sad putting a young child into nursery wait until you hear the background of foster children.

Sorry OP but I’m not sure you’ve got the maturity / life experience to go into this just yet.

Matey, you're 23. Live your life and enjoy your freedom for the next 5, 7, even 10 years. Then think about having kids.

Firstly, I may be wrong but I don’t think any reputable fostering organisation would accept someone as young as 23 on their books.
Also, you mention going abroad every year; Again, fostering agreements have very strict rules about taking the foster child abroad (I think some may actually prohibit it totally). So how would that work?
I also agree with the vast majority of points made by PP.

I would make sure teaching is definitely for you first. You can't be long into your career and it's known that lots of teachers leave during the first five years. Saddling yourself with a baby will restrict options for progression or alternative careers.

Go and enjoy your life for a bit longer first. Time for yourself and things that would be harder to do with a child.

Save if you can and progress in your career so you have a focus beyond starting a family.

Things can change so much in your twenties/early thirties, you might be in a completely different headspace in a year, 5 years, 10 years.

I am always surprised by the number of women on mumsnet who just don't enjoy motherhood - and I wonder why they did it. I think for some people it is just they way they assume their life will go, and then don't actually like it when it happens

You are different, you actively want it. When I was your age, it was all I wanted. I did it alone, and have never regretted a moment. There is no point in waiting if you know it is what you need to fulfil yourself. It didn't happen immediately with me, either, so if I had waited I might not have my wonderful children now

I think the option to leave your job and become a foster carer isn't a bad choice. I know everyone says you are too young but I don't see it as a problem unless you plan on fostering teenagers.
Fostering babies would work well for you and could end up in you adopting one, you fostering for many years after meeting the love of your life and having a child of your own or in you deciding you hate children and going back to teaching.
I adopted a child and I know hoe stretched SS are when it comes to finding loving homes for children. But you also need to be prepared to have to say goodbye to someone you have loved.

A friend of mine did IVF on her own, no regrets. It is hard though, and some people can be judgy.

A few years ago I read an article, I think it was in the guardian, about an agency that was matching up men and women who wanted to co parent together, but not be in a couple. Some went for natural conception, others IVF, they wouldn't allow men who insisted on natural conception only. There were interviews with co-parents who'd met that way and were happy.

Personally I think it's a perfectly valid choice to make. I suggest taking a few years to get some savings together first. And if you do go for it, have your freezer stocked up with easy meals to see you through the beginning.

Plenty of children are raised by single parents. Yes it is hard, but there are loads of single parents out there doing a fantastic job.

I think working full time is a barrier to fostering. My friend looked into it and it was a real problem, not being able to dedicate your time to being a full time carer.

It’s not remotely sad to use childcare. But at 23, I wouldn’t do this. Aside from the good points already made by other posters, if you meet someone later down the line you’ll never get to experience starting your family together with them, and that’s a big thing to lose imo.

Honestly, I’d wait 5 years and reassess. Spend the next few years climbing the pay scale, saving, paying down your mortgage but most importantly enjoying child free life. Travel and pursue hobbies or whatever brings you joy. Then see where you are and how you feel.

Two of my DD's didn't really go out much at 23. By 25 they were living completely different lives. One got into martial arts and weight lifting, the other has the travel bug. Finding yourself is seen as a cliché but many women never used to get chance to before children came along. You've studied/trained, then were thrown into full time work and are at the point were you should experience more. As said unless your fertility is at risk, wait two years, saving as much as you can. I was widowed with three children, I never found it emotionally/physically difficult, only financially. I'd size a oversees volunteering opportunity during the summer, or think about what you want to do before the 24/7 of parenting. I had my second child at 28, I'd say that was perfect. I was only in my 40's and had my life back.

Your 23 young and a little immature/niave

I personally don't think it's fair on a child to deliberately set out not to have their father in the picture at all.

Children are the product of a mother AND a father, and it's psychologically optimal to have both parents involved in that child's life (with the obvious caveats wrt abuse etc).

If you are looking at fostering talk to your local council. Amounts per child can be around £400 per week, more if they have special needs. You can work as well as foster if you have older children, not sure about the situation with babies.

Agree with this, sorry OP. I was pregnant with DC at 23, so it's not the age alone (although I had been married for 3 years by then and with DH for 5), but you do seem very naive.

A lot of this will depend on whether you want to foster, adopt (in which case, age of child) or have your own biological child. Also, how many children you plan on having in total?

Fwiw, I don't think 23 is too young, if you feel ready. I started at 28, and wish I had done so sooner. But there are other factors than age to consider. For example, I could have "dealt" with one by myself, in terms of meeting my own needs and my boy's needs. But now I have two? No way. Without my partner all three of us would be exhausted, stinky, starving messes some days.

For now I would say save, save, save and get a kitten.

well, that is a total contradiction..