to go it alone at 23?

[youcannevergoback]

I'm 23, I'm a primary school teacher and enjoying it well enough. I live in a very cheap area of the UK and have bought a house. I've always loved children and recently started looking seriously at the process of becoming a foster carer now that I have my own place.

However I've always been desperate for children of my own and have been waiting for the right man to come along, except I've just sat down and given it a thought-- I can't imagine living with a man. I never really have, unless my little brother counts. I've never really felt that urge to have a relationship and was only in one short lived one once.

I don't really want to travel (I spend a month or so a year with family that lives abroad and have since I was about 5). I've never liked going out. I adore children and think I do well with them, so I'm asking myself now why not just look into having children alone. I feel ready and most girls my age (in my area) already have children, so I don't see why I wouldn't be capable. Work will definitely be the biggest issue as it seems so sad to put your child in nursery young but then again I don't suppose there are many housewives around so that would be the same with a partner!

Poke some holes in my plans please

Pets are money pits.

This too, although the studies I've seen showed children faired better with mother and father OR another strong and involved male role model. For example, a family friend or uncle or something. So OP this would be another thing to consider - for you have someone like this in your life?

Reconsider fostering. Probably not a goer for you unless you give up teaching.

Start a 5 year plan for a baby.

Make sure you're in a decent school. Keep an eye on how SLT treat staff with caring responsibilities.

Start saving to cover 1 year's salary if possible - this will both give you a buffer and help you get used to living on less money. You can go into it gradually (hence 5 years), but ideally by year 4 you'll be saving the equivalent of nursery fees each month.

If things change then you'll still have the money.

Sorry for not being clear I was initially looking at fostering (the youngest age to do that is 21) and then I thought if I'm old enough and financially stable enough to foster then why is it crazy for me to consider having a child of my own?

I'd like to know what makes me sound naive I've come from a family situation where I have plenty of experience taking care of babies/young children so I know the amount of work it takes.

I think the suggestions to save for a few years and see what happens may be the best way forwards, so thank you for that

What I would do at 23 is pause for a moment

Ok so most of your mates have kids already and I see the appeal of doing it all whilst they are.

But.

You are JUST starting your career
How many years have you been employed?

Is there seriously nothing you want from life but to go to work, come back, rush to get through dinner and bath and then sit downstairs whilst they sleep / get up half the night whilst they don't sleep? What if it's twins or a baby with complex needs? I'm not suggesting you won't love them or be great but I can tell you, as someone who had both in succession, it's beyond hard and DH and I had to pull together massively.

You say you can't imagine living with a man etc., are you sexually attracted to men / women? Have you ever been?

You sound like you’ve considered your options but personally I’d wait a few years though before deliberately having a child given how young you are. Things can change and you may meet someone even though you can’t picture it. I believe it’s optimum for a child to have the opportunity of having both parents. Just because you don’t want that now doesn’t mean you wouldn’t benefit from that to share the night time wakeups & mental load!

I’m TTC with DH soon, we’ll be 22 and 25 (prob 23 and 26 when any baby arrives), so relatively similar age to you.

I am acutely aware that I/we are incredibly young to be making this kind of commitment and that life, our finances and relationship will change beyond measure. We both earn averagely and being on reduced income through maternity leave would be impossible for me if I didn’t also have DHs wage. We have had to consider all the things!

I could waffle on about the topic for a while but I won’t as I recognise my own naivety here so I’m not the best person to advise you, but just make sure the circumstances are right and I’d make sure you have some savings behind you if you are choosing to go it alone. It is true that you’re at the best age biologically and there will never be a ‘right’ time of pregnancy occurs unexpectedly, but there can be a wrong time to choose to get pregnant. If that makes sense. Think about childcare plans for if family don’t help out, think about how it would affect your career… sit with the decision a while and read some more threads on here (that’s what I did).

All the best to you whatever you choose xx

Also the points about saving are really important

Look at what a salary of 4 days a week would be, look at what maternity pay would be for 12 months, what are you current outgoings and is your mortgage likely to go up? I'd save as much as you can over the next 3-5 years because whilst babies CAN be cheap (second hand everything) there's also areas that just aren't - formula if you don't breast feed, nappies, etc. And your desire to travel and do experiences may well change once you have kids

I spend a month or so a year with family that lives abroad and have since I was about 5

I can see this being an issue, especially with a foster child and so you’d have to consider giving this up or going for a shorter time.

I don’t think you’d be able to foster if you work as a FT teacher, as apparently there are lots of meetings with the school and other agencies which are often during in school hours.

I definitely don’t think you should have your own child just yet because as a single parent myself, I can’t explain how difficult it can be sometimes.

I would look into fostering but perhaps in the meantime you could look into babysitting, becoming a nanny or childminder or anything else that gives you experience with little ones out of the school environment.

You sound like you’d make a great foster career and I definitely think you should look into it but it may mean having to give up teaching.

This is a really good point too

One other consideration that I haven't seen mentioned is what you will do if your child grows up and is angry at you for intentionally creating him/her without their biological father in their life. My biological father was not in my life growing up and my mother didn't know this would happen when she became pregnant. As a child it caused me no end of difficult feelings that my family really struggled to deal with. I can't imagine how much worse all that would have been if my mother had put me in that situation on purpose.

Sure, many children in that situation don't care. But a great many do care and you at least need a plan for how you're going to deal with it if your child does have difficult feelings like that.

Honestly I think give it a few years. If children is a priority make sure you date like minded guys only. But give yourself until 30 earliest before going it alone because it so so so hard even with a partner.

As a teacher it's only the two years that I've been employed, so yes I'm at the beginning of the my career. I don't think I've ever looked at someone and felt a sexual attraction. I have sexual feelings, but when my friends have a sort of 'wow he's fit' 'I'd do anything to get him into bed' reaction-- I don't think I've ever felt that.

Can you borrow a friend's baby for a few days? I think you have NO idea of the emotions involved and how relentless it can be. I was pregnant at 23 to my boyfriend BUT it seems a shame for you to want to do this so early on in your teaching career. Why don't you want to travel with your friends?

People say a lot of things BEFORE baby is born and you often loose friends due to motherhood if they aren't in the similar life stages to you.

Your only 23. If you meet a man at 27-30 years old he likely won't want to take you on with kids. I'm a single mother myself to 1 DC and it isn't easy trying to date.... do NOT DO IT OP.

In fairness, there are also lots of women who desperately want to be parents and then regret it when it happens.

@fattytum I think it’s always going to be skewed on here. There will be more of those having a good time and enjoying it that don’t use the site / don’t need to come on here and post / don’t usual social media etc

You’re going to seek out advice on here and stay if you need it, I think you’re more likely to be on here if you’re unsure about something or having a difficult time than just for positivity and chit chat for the sake of it.

Honestly I’d just sit right for at least a few years. You’re very young, and seem a little naive about this whole thing, but that’s fine because you have plenty of time before you need to make a decision. Build your career first, it’s only been two years since you qualified.

Alone at 23 by choice - absolutely not

With a partner at 23 - absolutely why not

But on the other side of that 23 is still young and too be honest the amount you will change over the next decade will be vast. You've got your best years ahead of you right now, you never know what is around the corner. Promotions, the love of your life, you might even fancy a career change but having a baby alone by choice at 23 is going to be the hardest thing you ever do

I don't think I've ever looked at someone and felt a sexual attraction. I have sexual feelings, but when my friends have a sort of 'wow he's fit' 'I'd do anything to get him into bed' reaction-- I don't think I've ever felt that.

What about if it was a woman?

Honestly OP, I know it probably sounds really patronising, but you are so young. You're so young you don't even understand your own sexuality. Take some time to get to know you you are. Experience a bit of life. Then think about children.

You never get these years again.

I have been a solo parent since I was 27yo and it is so hard, honestly I think you are too young.

Give it a few years, try dating (all my friends met their husbands via online dating) and see how you feel in 5 years.

The issues I have found with being a single parent are;

Financial, paying for childcare, all the baby and child related costs etc. My dd is 17yo now and money is still so tight as kids just get more expensive as they get older.

Emotional, having to deal with all the emotional ups and downs of parenthood by myself, all the worries when dds ill or struggling at school.

Dd, dd has hated not having a father in her life, she feels the loss acutely and it really is heartbreaking. I've done everything I can to facilitate the relationship she has with grandparents and uncles etc but it's not the same.

Social isolation, being a single parent still carries a degree of stigma, a lot of other mums have kept me at arms length and I wasn't always welcomed at baby groups etc. It's also very difficult to maintain existing friendships as going out is limited due to childcare and cost.

Relationships, I tried dating a bit when dd was younger but the stakes are so much higher when there's kids involved in the end I gave up.

My friends pretty much all have babies, and I'm working class, in a v. working class area. This idea of travelling that is thrown around on MN is so incredibly foreign to me! I'm the only person I know who regularly holidays abroad.

I know how relentless a baby can be as my mum (then a drug addict) had a baby in my later teen years and that was as good as my baby as she made a habit of disappearing for days at a time. So I truly do know the relentlessness of a baby.

I'm with those who think it's really wrong to intentionally bring a fatherless child into the world at this point. Two parents is the ideal so why wouldn't you want that? You haven't met someone who takes your fancy yet but you're only 23.

Actually my only relationship was with a woman, but that's definitely not for me. You don't sound patronising at all

I've been online dating for two years. Been on a lot of dates and liked a lot of people well enough to be friends but never well enough to think yes I'd love any sort of sexual relationship with them.

I am surprised your DD felt not having father there so acutely, it's something I've never felt despite being in the same situation. All your points are very important ones though! Thank you

This idea of travelling that is thrown around on MN is so incredibly foreign to me! I'm the only person I know who regularly holidays abroad.

Is is something you think you might like to do? Don't let the people around you constrain your expectations of yourself.

Honestly OP you sound ballsy to be considering this, I think there's a bit inside you questioning the path laid out. But maybe the answer to that question isn't having a baby, maybe it's being even braver and exploring what life has to offer outside what you've known so far?

I had 2 of my 3 children by 24 and my third at just turned 27 and tbh, just biologically I felt so much more equipped and patient with my third, despite having so much more on my plate with 3 little ones and work. Is there a downside to having a LO as a goal for perhaps 2 or 5 years down the line so you can save?

Pragmatically, do you want more than one child? Lots of people who love children do like to have more than one. You may be making a difficult setup for that to happen if you do this.

I do understand though, I was terribly broody from age 17 and just knew I wanted to have kids on the young side.

Even with all the joy and highs, raising children also comes with much drudgery and plenty of lows. Are you sure you want to guarantee that you will have no co parent in this situation?