to go it alone at 23?

[youcannevergoback]

I'm 23, I'm a primary school teacher and enjoying it well enough. I live in a very cheap area of the UK and have bought a house. I've always loved children and recently started looking seriously at the process of becoming a foster carer now that I have my own place.

However I've always been desperate for children of my own and have been waiting for the right man to come along, except I've just sat down and given it a thought-- I can't imagine living with a man. I never really have, unless my little brother counts. I've never really felt that urge to have a relationship and was only in one short lived one once.

I don't really want to travel (I spend a month or so a year with family that lives abroad and have since I was about 5). I've never liked going out. I adore children and think I do well with them, so I'm asking myself now why not just look into having children alone. I feel ready and most girls my age (in my area) already have children, so I don't see why I wouldn't be capable. Work will definitely be the biggest issue as it seems so sad to put your child in nursery young but then again I don't suppose there are many housewives around so that would be the same with a partner!

Poke some holes in my plans please

This is going to sound incredibly patronizing, if not insulting, so forgive me - but I really think you need to hear it.

You live in a WC neighborhood surrounded by WC women with kids who had them young, and I would I guess, many of them are single. Of course traveling seems alien to you - you haven't been exposed to anything other than the narrowness of the environment you were born into. There is so much more out there!

I was born into a very WC background - on a council estate to teenage parents. As were all of my cousins. I was the only one to go to university and I moved away. My life is so different to theirs, it's depressing. Small lives in the town we grew up in, minimum wage jobs, maybe a girls trip to Benidorm every few years. That's it. Have you heard the James lyric, "If I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor?" I feel like you haven't seen the riches so you have no idea how poor you'd be making yourself.

I know how patronizing, insulting and snobbish that sounds. I really do. But if any of my kids told me at 23 that they wanted to be a parent because they couldn't think of anything else they'd like to do with their lives, I'd be devastated. All the potential they'd be wasting. The things they'd be missing out on that they don't even understand they're missing.

I have three kids and wouldn't change my decision to have them - but to choose to do so at 23, alone...I think it's madness and you would be limiting yourself in so many ways.

Foster carer? In the real world you would have to be available to have kids at pretty short notice.normally need lots of care, can't just slot into nursery

Have your own kid via doner? Why not? If you think you can cope. However I think you should experience life a bit more. But it's your life

@youcannevergoback

I’m both an adopter and now a foster carer.

Your posts are a little confused about what you want so I will just address a few issues around fostering

Firstly and stating the obvious, a foster child is not your child to keep. Your life will be constrained by this. You have mentioned ‘babies ‘ a lot. Babies in the care system are usually destined for adoption or potentially a return to the birth family, not long term or permanent fostering placements. Whilst the court procesess are on going you may have to facilitate contact with the birth family. Ultimately you will probably have to give a baby that may have been in your care for 12 to 18 months, back to the birth family or move them on to an adoptive family.
I have a friend who fosters babies, she is a brilliant carer and as she says a little piece of her heart goes with every baby she moves on. But she also has her own children.

Its not impossible to combine working with fostering but as a single person it will be difficult. You can’t also just leave a foster child with relatives for child care, there will be restrictions round this, everyone in the household would have to be DBS checked. And bottom line is you are meant to be caring for your foster child. Your needs, your job, your family will all be secondary to the child’s needs - including social worker visits, contact, court processes. They could have medical needs requiring a lot of hospital appointments.

My foster child is 12, every month I have to take him to see his dad, who stuffs him full of sweets, lies and manipulates him, I find it very hard to deal with and at 58 I’ve been round the block a few times.

I think you need to do a whole lot more research into what fostering actually entails

You HAVE to go on YouTube and look up Precious Star Vlogs! She started fostering babies very young, maybe at 21 or so, and then went it alone and now has a 6 month old as a solo parent. She is asexual (not aromantic) and situation sounds almost identical to what you’re saying. Think she is around 25 now :)

Also you don’t have to go straight to ivf, she did iui

How long have you been teaching? If its only a couple of years I'd considered working 2 more years then review

You are being incredibly naïve about fostering if you think you can do that, so young. Plus, if you think you can do it whilst teaching, as a lone parent.
I doubt any fostering agencies would approve you.

Believe me, people change a lot during their 20s. What you want now and what you want when getting closer to 30 is likely to be very different.

You are 23 I would honestly wait a few years just potter about enjoy yourself indulge in some hobbies and generally mingle and enjoy the space of being on your own. I got married at 23 and while it's been a great marriage if you were my niece I would advise you to wait. You do alot of growing as a person in your late 20's

I am a lone parent. Not by choice, DCs father fucked off when they were around 15 months old. A life with one parent is not one I would have willingly chosen. I feel guilt ridden and absolutely shit the older she gets. Especially when in school making fathers day cards etc. I don't think its right to do this deliberately and I certainly wouldn't given the choice. It also isn't fair for you to say you think you'd have family to rely on for childcare, I thought I did, my DC is never minded and to be honest it isn't their responsibility so I wouldn't complain. You'll also find once the ability to go out and about alone is completely gone, you'll miss it.

I think people saying you’re young and naïve are being unhelpful and possibly unkind. You’re doing everything right - you want something, you’ve tried to think it through logically, and you’ve come here to ask for advice from people who might have more experience than you. That’s smart at 20 or 70. The fact is simply that you can’t know what you don’t know, and that’s true at any age.

You think you’re ready at 23. I respect that. People have given you some good advice of how to make sure you’re the most ready you can possibly be (save up for a year or two, prepare for nursery costs ahead of time, etc). I have a different story to share.

At 23, like you, I wasn’t much interested in relationships.

At 25, I was married to the love of my life and probably going to have children within a few years.

By 28, a diagnosis meant I was never going to have my own biological children, and if I’d had them before this point, they could have had the disease I’d just been diagnosed with and it would have been horrific.

By 30, I realized I was never going to be able to have a child of any sort as my illness was progressing.

By 35, my body was so broken that I could no longer do a lot of things I’d taken for granted - working in an office, going out of an evening, being able to take a full breath.

By 37, I was divorced but still living with my ex because I needed the physical help. He also immediately married a woman that I thought had been my friend, and she lives with me now, but doesn’t speak to me.

By 38, I was told my diseases (since there were now two) would be life-limiting, combined.

And here at 39, almost 40, I’m dying.

My timeline is a crazy one, yes. My point is just that it is so, so impossible to know the path life will take you on. One of the benefits of raising as child with a partner, I’m afraid to say, is that if I’d had a child and then years later gotten my terminal diagnosis, I would have the comfort of knowing they’d have another parent to care for them (another reason to try your best to pick a man who won’t be a shitbag, absentee father, although there are NO guarantees).

By giving it a few extra years (to 25, or even 27), you are more likely to have run into one or more of the things you could never have predicted in your own life, and they won’t affect your child when the time is right. Maybe you find a partner. Maybe you win the lottery. Maybe it’s something less positive, unfortunately, and you lose your job. Maybe nothing changes at all, and your life continues on as is. The point is it’ll be behind you.

I would give it a few more years. Take this time to save up for the baby, and know that you’re not in a rush and you have time to see the shape your life takes.

I have to say this is wonderfully kind and balanced advice. I just know you’re a lovely genuine person and some of your points are food for thought for everyone

Above comment is for you @5YearsLeft x

I work with a number of kids who are in foster care. All of them have non-working parent. It's the only way of fitting in all of their appointments.

I don't know how easy it is to work whilst fostering - but good teachers are hard to find. The profession would be worse off without you.

@5YearsLeft nobody is being unkind. But OPs take on not being sexual attracted to a man or wanting a relationship needs exploring. What has caused this? Yet she wants to Foster as a lone parent this isn't exactly the norm at 23 is it.

23 is young many are still living at home at this age. My niece didn't want children and was having bad periods so asked for a hysterectomy.....6 years later had a child.
I wouldn't rush any decision so young.

@Uggtrending I think when OP is already a teacher AND she wants to be a foster carer, that should be commended. So what if it’s not the norm? We need more people who aren’t the norm, if it means helping others. OP sounds like she’s trying to do this the right way (think it through carefully; ask for advice) so I do think that some comments just being automatically dismissive of her and calling her naïve because she’s 23 are a bit unkind, yes.

Also, no, OP’s sexuality does not “need” exploring. OP did not ask for advice on that. Perhaps she knows exactly why she feels the way she does, but it’s a painful or personal matter. Asking for advice, to help her see her own blind spots about whether becoming a single parent, as a teacher at 23, is feasible, does not give anyone commenting a right to “explore” or force OP to “explore” her sex life.

@5YearsLeft I've read your post again. Sorry to hear about your health.

Everybody is entitled to their opinions. I gave mine as a mother at 23. I said OP is on a very good path. You've looked back in hindsight but I've given my actual lived experience as a mother and I was in no way pulling OP down at all if it seemed that way, I wasn't

so I do think that some comments just being automatically dismissive of her and calling her naïve because she’s 23 are a bit unkind, yes.

I haven't called her naive because she is 23.
I have called her naive because thinking she will be able to teach, and be a foster carer. There are reasons that dc are in foster care. It needs one parent to be available in a way a teacher couldn't possibly be, for the overwhelming majority of foster children.
Plus, not wanting to be in a relationship or have your own dc at 23 is not uncommon, but most people continue to grow and change - and yes, meet different people - through their 20s and they are very different people 8 - 10 years down the line.

@Uggtrending Oh, I actually wasn’t referring specifically to your comment. I was more referring to some that only say, “At 23??” Or one that just said, “You think you’ll be approved as a foster carer at 23? Yeah, that’s naïve.” (Impossible to even say that without knowing OP’s area, or anything about foster care rules and needs there). I think it’s really valuable of you to share your lived experience as a mother with OP; we’re both sharing different points of view with her and that will hopefully help her a bit. Sharing your experience is important advice, and I don’t think you condescended to OP at all.

It isn’t something I would do OP, but at 23 I still had a hell of a lot of growing up to do and I’ve changed a lot as a person since then. I had my first child when I was ten years older than you.

But to give you your due, you sound really mature and thoughtful and like you’ve really thought about it. My big worry for you would be finances and support network, especially on a young teacher’s salary. But I wish you all luck whatever you choose to do.

YABVU. 23 is crazily young in this day and age. Live a bit first. You change a lot between 23 and 33; leave it five years - you’ll be a much better Mum for it.

And raising a child alone on a newly qualified teacher’s salary? Madness. Have you even looked in to the cost of childcare? Do you even have savings?

Hi op, I'm a solo mum and also a primary school teacher so I can give a lot of advice since I'm in a similar situation. Save as much money now as you can. My fertility treatment was 10k and that seems to be pretty average amongst my friends. I would also recommend saving another 10k for mat leave. Nursery fees will be about 1k a month so I would start putting that away now so that you're not used to having that money.
I would also recommend saving money now so that you can pay for a cleaner/housekeeper/ gardener etc once the baby is here coz running a house and working full time as a teacher with a baby is intense. My day starts at 5.30 and I need to work once dd is in bed so I normally finish at 11.
If possible, try to move around stages as much as possible at school so that you have a bank of resources and plans for each stage which will make it easier for going back after mat leave. I'd recommend going down the school so that you have lots of resources for little kids and they can be used to when differentiating to support learners at any stage in the future.
Make sure that you have support to look after your baby for things like training sessions and parents night.
My dd is now 3 and is the best thing to have ever happened to me. Good luck!

Choosing to be a single parent is madness. All the statistics point towards less desirable outcomes for children of single mothers. A child needs his or her Dad. Wait until you’re ready for a relationship.

@Siameasy Utter bollocks! A child needs to form secure attachments to care givers. A child does not need a mum and a dad. That is a horrible homophobic view. Children of single parent families have less desirable outcomes due to many contributory factors but not because there's only one adult to love them.

Hi can you explain how a child doesn’t need a mum and a dad? That makes no sense at all. I’m not sure how that’s homophobic as I never mentioned gay people at all yet your mind went straight to that?!

Children of single mothers have statistically poor outcomes because there isn’t a man in the house. There’s a reason why we say “wait until your father gets home”. A single mum will struggle to handle an errant 15 year old boy who is bigger than her, for instance.

Its kind to tell people the truth.