to go it alone at 23?

[youcannevergoback]

I'm 23, I'm a primary school teacher and enjoying it well enough. I live in a very cheap area of the UK and have bought a house. I've always loved children and recently started looking seriously at the process of becoming a foster carer now that I have my own place.

However I've always been desperate for children of my own and have been waiting for the right man to come along, except I've just sat down and given it a thought-- I can't imagine living with a man. I never really have, unless my little brother counts. I've never really felt that urge to have a relationship and was only in one short lived one once.

I don't really want to travel (I spend a month or so a year with family that lives abroad and have since I was about 5). I've never liked going out. I adore children and think I do well with them, so I'm asking myself now why not just look into having children alone. I feel ready and most girls my age (in my area) already have children, so I don't see why I wouldn't be capable. Work will definitely be the biggest issue as it seems so sad to put your child in nursery young but then again I don't suppose there are many housewives around so that would be the same with a partner!

Poke some holes in my plans please

Jesus Christ what a load of crap.

Of course it's homophobic. You're saying a child needs a mum and a dad, ergo any mum/mum and dad/dad setups aren't as good.

And no, children of single mothers have statistically poorer outcomes because they face different challenges. Likelihood of depression, lack of familial support, lack of social and inter community support, fewer resources within the family owing to one wage and often men who don't pay maintenance, lower school achievement because of availability of time spent with the child. You have one parent working, cooking, cleaning, shopping, no second parent to pick up that slack. All of these are because of the lack of two parents, not the lack of a father.

@Siameasy it's homophobic as it implies that children with single sex parents are in a worse position than children from a family with a mum and dad.
It's pointless for a child to have 2 parents if one of them is totally useless. You just need to look at the boards here to see how many fathers out there don't do their fair share of childcare or carrying the mental load.
I was very truthful to the op about how hard it is being a solo mum. I wouldn't change it at all though.

Ideally though a child needs a mum and a dad. I’m not sure I fully agree with same sex parents because the child needs a male and a female parent. If that means I hate gay people to you then I find that incorrect but that’s your take.
Fatherless children (the more likely option in today’s world) do badly statistically and ultimately this is bad for society. You may not fit the stats and I also know some great single mums but these would be the exception.
There are some dreadful men but also some women making terrible choices and also, not marrying before having kids thus putting themselves at risk.Women initiate 80% of divorces so it’s more women choosing to leave a marriage. But our sex doesn’t like reality very much 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just so everyone's clear, yes it absolutely means you're homophobic.

You’re kind of agreeing though. All of those poor outcomes are due to the father not being around. Occam’s Razor applies.

I think you’re saying that because same sex parents don’t have the opposite sex partner in the home I’m suggesting that is a problem? I would say that same sex parents are not that common and the most common fatherless child is that of a heterosexual relationship and we should look at the norm and not outliers when talking at a society level.

I agree it makes a point that same sex couples in a committed relationship are at least providing a stable household but I would still say that a child does need both a male and a female parent ideally. I think it’s sexist to say otherwise.

Fatherless boys are a problem to society-more likely to end up in prison. Anyone who works with young offenders knows this.

No, I've said the absolute opposite. Lack of second parent, not lack of father. By your reasoning you're expecting the same results with a single mum as a lesbian couple with children because there's no father. Whatever makes you feel better but your views on gay parents are bigoted and I don't want to spend my Monday convincing you otherwise, go read a book.

Ok you’ve stropped off I see. No argument then. What a surprise. Just like the gender brigade “anyone who disagrees or queries is ..phobic. Think that makes you the “no debate” bigot by definition.

I think it’s an important discussion re: what is best for the child and society as a whole.

It’s sexist to imply that being a father is something a woman can do and vice versa. Men and women are not the same.

"A child does not need a mum and a dad. That is a horrible homophobic view."

@MotherofaToad whether you think that they need a mum and a dad is irrelevant; every child has a mum AND a dad, and it is optimal for that child to a) know them and b) have a positive relationship with both of them, both for them personally and at a societal level.

That's not homophobic, it's just common sense (and evolutionary biology).

I really hope you don't work with young offenders, or anyone vulnerable.

@HBGKC my dd does not have a dad. She has a donor. A man who I have never met cannot be her dad. Evolutionary biology has evolved so that a baby needs a sperm cell, an egg and a womb to grow in. A child does not need a dad.

Having seen my best friend crying her eyes out when her teenager held her accountable or responsible for the trauma of growing up without a father. Not knowing who the father was. Call her selfish and stupid. Not really I would not go solo.

Why do you hope that I don’t work with young offenders or anyone vulnerable? Can you elaborate on this?

Because you're sexist and homophobic, I thought that was clear.

Would you also say that a child doesn’t need a mum?

Could the derailers fuck off to a different thread please? None of this is helpful to OP.

I have fear of gay people? Explain please.

I think it’s sexist to suggest a man can replace a mother. Or that a woman can be a father. We are more than just our gametes, no? Men and women are not the same-it’s sexist to pretend we are. Recognising and accounting for our differences isn’t sexist.

Given that poster is vehemently against same-sex marriage they probably thubk you shouldn't be allowed to have children at all.

Respectfully, you're only thinking about what you want, not what is best for a child.

While there are loads of single parents who do a fantastic job, this isn't what you should aspire to for a child. Ideally, children need two parents. Countless studies have shown that this is what they need to thrive mentally, relationally, academically and emotionally. Of course, life is messy and not ideal, so many kids get by well with just one parent because need's must.

But in my opinion, it is very different if you start out with the aim of raising your child as a couple, and then something going wrong, or if you foster/adopt a child who has no parents at all who can look after them, than to ACTIVELY try to conceive a child on your own, knowing they will never have the chance of having two parents.

The biggest hole in your plan is that you haven't ever had a child 24/7 for the rest of your life. It's easy to love children when you get a regular break from them. It's easy to tolerate tantrums if you had an unbroken night's sleep. It's easy to be patient at the incessant questions if you get to do your grocery shop, go to the loo and have a bath in peace every day, it's easy to tolerate the mess if you come home to a tidy house.

It's the all-the-time-and-forever-ness of having a child which would make me think carefully about having one on my own. When you feel tired, they need you. When you are ill, they need you. When they are ill, they need you.

if you go it alone, there is never going to be someone else to mop up the sick (or make a cup of tea while you mop up the sick) no one else to phone the plumber when the washing machine breaks down on the day a child weed right through your duvet. You can never run out to the shops quickly to grab a pint of milk or a bar of chocolate. It takes 30 minutes of coaxing on shoes and coats and gloves, and buggy-wrangling etc.

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't do it. But consider it carefully. I'd always rather have a partner to help fund, clean, care for the children, be an adult to chat to, laugh with, hug, discuss problems and plans with etc.

Join some of the solo mum groups on Facebook.

I don’t think age is the issue but rather being financially ready. I’m a solo mum and waited until I had enough money saved for fertility treatment and enough to afford to take a full year maternity leave.

My DS goes to nursery and has done so from 1 year old. Even if I could afford to stop working I’d still send him to nursery for everything he gets there

I second this. Just to name one small example, this morning I had to call the doctor's surgery at 8am on the dot to try and get myself an appointment, but my child needed dropping off at her childminder at 8. So my husband dropped her off instead. If I was alone, I would have had to either keep her home and try and call the doctor with her demanding my attention in the background, or just accept that I wouldn't get an appointment and leave my health issue untreated.

Life is not ideal, so many, many children don't have dads. But in an ideal world, every child would have a (caring and responsible) mother and father, because they meet different biological and emotional needs. There has been a very powerful attempt to discredit this in certain circles, but such attempts are driven by ideology rather than science.

(And I'm saying this as someone who grew up without a mother)

Someone who works nights, is not going to be available for childcare in the day.

I agree partly. Id say start saving and look at it again in couple years
As for the single parent, i was single parent for 11 years and then moved in with long term partner, it was easier when i was a single parent tbh.
Different courses horses etc though