to go it alone at 23?

[youcannevergoback]

I'm 23, I'm a primary school teacher and enjoying it well enough. I live in a very cheap area of the UK and have bought a house. I've always loved children and recently started looking seriously at the process of becoming a foster carer now that I have my own place.

However I've always been desperate for children of my own and have been waiting for the right man to come along, except I've just sat down and given it a thought-- I can't imagine living with a man. I never really have, unless my little brother counts. I've never really felt that urge to have a relationship and was only in one short lived one once.

I don't really want to travel (I spend a month or so a year with family that lives abroad and have since I was about 5). I've never liked going out. I adore children and think I do well with them, so I'm asking myself now why not just look into having children alone. I feel ready and most girls my age (in my area) already have children, so I don't see why I wouldn't be capable. Work will definitely be the biggest issue as it seems so sad to put your child in nursery young but then again I don't suppose there are many housewives around so that would be the same with a partner!

Poke some holes in my plans please

@youcannevergoback you've posted for advice so you need to listen. You do not know how hard work a baby is till you have your own. The fact that you feel people will watch your baby overnight just goes to show your level of thought process.

I'm from a working class background too so I don't mean ANY offence but surely you want better for your child? You seem like you are on a good path! 23 is young though I missed things like meeting up with my 2 best friends because I couldn't make it or it wasn't baby friendly enough. I'm lucky they are both best friends now.

My best friend has a toddler of her own and she's admitted to me she didn't understand until she had her own baby. It's your choice though obviously.

I had my 1st and 2nd at 22 and 23. Divorced at 24. It was tough. I didn’t realise how young I was to be a parent (my friends were mostly all teen parents) until I had my 3rd and 4th in my late 30s. I love my eldest 2 as much as my youngest 2 but I look back with regret that I wasn’t able to be the parent to them that I can be to the young ones.

It's not because I'm scared to do it, I just honestly don't think I'd like to. I've been on little trips away within the UK and enjoyed them, but I've always been a home bird. The best part of every holiday in my life has been getting back home!

This was only in response to people asking would I have anyone to watch a baby. And I said probably if I paid, and only for the day. However I am taking in what people are saying and I do think waiting a few years is the right thing.

I don't think my children are going to come near being middle class unless I marry someone pretty well off, and I don't think that's looking likely as I don't know many people like that

I was going to ask if 23 is a typo and you meant 32....in either case I would say no no no. You're so young and life has really just started. Enjoy that for a while.

This. I cannot understand why you are so rushed with it. And why you are writing off living with a partner when you have done it. Nursery fine but what about when the child is ill, or you’re ill, or you lose your job, or you get long term sick and can’t work. Not being negative but there are benefits to having a child with someone. Give yourself time to enjoy yourself and see if you do meet someone

I'm a single mum. Have been on my own with no support since ds was tiny. I've enjoyed almost all of it BUT I didn't become a mum until my 40s.

By then I had lots of experiences, was resourceful and already had my finances sorted.

I've not found a new partner because frankly, it's easier doing it by myself than trying to work with most men. There are bad days when some backup would be nice, but looking at other people's husbands, they just seem to make things worse. So I don't think your plan is totally mad.

However, having a baby on your own will severely limit your dating opportunities if you decide in the future you do want to date. You need to be sure what you want in the long term.

I’d leave it 5 years and if you feel the same way go for it then.

No offence but 23 is still very young. Assuming very early on in your career too

If you don't see why the OP is rushed, then you have never felt the compulsion yourself , and you won't understand. I felt it.

I had relationships but I didn't fall in love until I was about 26 and I didn't meet anyone I wanted to have children with until I was almost 37. So don't feel like because you haven't felt that way yet that it won't ever happen.

Good god no. You’re still so young and children really do ruin your life

I absolutely would not rush into anything alone, there is so much more to life than being a parent and you’ve got years yet!

I was a single mum at 19 it was hard very hard i stayed single.

I worked hard and built our lifes up from nothing i got a lot of stigma from older mums plus family. ( long story i was not going to abort my child)

But we made it 19 years on hes the best thing that happened to me and i would not change it for anything.
I stayed single by choice ( still single) but now i do go out a lot more as im more confident in my 30s than i ever was in my 20s.
I could not do it again given todays ways of the world and the approach parenting styles.

Them that turned their backs on me for being a young mum are now coming out the wood works wanting to talk and how sorry they are blablabla they can have my middle finger.

Please dont rush in to it its not easy to go it alone but it can be done .
You need to think about it more and be sure about it its not something you can walk away from.
18 years for a child but they still need you after that its not your 18 now off you go my works done kids are for life thats why they call it life changing.

I think 23 is awfully young to consider parenting solo. I adore my children but by god it's hard. So so hard. Everything will fall to you. Every night waking every cold every appointment every meal, bath, feed bedtime. Everything. All you. With no break. Ever. And then you're going to carry on teaching?! (I'm also a teacher.) no way.

I'd recommend you join Facebook groups like "solo mothers by choice" and ask the same question. You'll get far different responses!

I'm a solo mother via IVF to a wonderful 2 year old. I had her when I was 27 and it's the best decision I've ever made. I can't poke holes in what you're saying because I was very similar and live the happiest life with my wonderful girl.

Don't get me wrong, some times can be tough, nursery bugs, shared bugs (d&v with a toddler is grim!) But that's the same for a lot of parents. I had a few friends who were parents with their husbands/partners saying how they couldn't do it without the other parent. Never once have I felt we were missing something.

Have I wanted her to finally (please?!) Go to bed so I can grab a shower? Yep. But I don't know a mum who hasn't.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Yes you're young, but that's only ever a positive. This wasn't my plan B if I didn't meet someone when I was heading into my 40's. This was my plan A and my little family is perfect.

I'm a Foster Carer and I combined that role with part time teaching whilst DFS was in primary school as I could drop FS at his special school then drive 8 mins away to my secondary school. Once he went into secondary school I had to resign as his special school was too far from my school to travel between the 2 schools and no after school club in his secondary school. I do have a DH who shared some drop offs and collections though.

I was a primary teacher and married with a kid at 23. Being a young mum has its advantages but even if you were married I'd tell you to wait. At 23 I felt fully ready to settle down and was never really into going out. However, 20 years on a lot of my friends are only having kids now having travelled and experienced so much that I now wish I'd done when I was younger. Plus my son was the easiest kid - you're talking about fostering. A foster child could have all sorts of issues and additional needs and require far more help than you're able to give. I would never foster without being able to be there for the child. It's something that I'd consider now 20 years on as I have far more life experience. You sound like you've led a sheltered life and very naive about the potential difficulties that could come your way. I'd be surprised based on the details you give if you were accepted as a foster parent anyway.

I was a year older than you when I had ds. I don't feel dh and I were too young at all. Not everyone wants to have a baby in their 40s - dh and I didn't. It's fine to pick when you want to have a baby or foster a child op even at 23.

I don't have any childcare as my parents don't want involved in childcare and my in laws are nearly 80 and unable to provide any.

Dh works away frequently so it's just me and the kids a lot.

I wouldn't change anything.

Foster carer is a job. You can not have another job as well.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your decision, other than the age you are at to make that decision. What’s the rush? You’re only 2 years into a career, you could only have recently bought your house and got that lovely independence of having a space that is totally your own, my advice is not to rush through your life ticking boxes and just slow down and enjoy it for now. In 5 years time if you’re still feeling the same and single then yes, but at 23 you have no idea where you’ll be in 5 years time, you could meet a wonderful man during that time and fall pregnant naturally, you could meet a wonderful woman during that time and decide to start a family together. Obviously there are children who grow up perfectly fine without 2 parents, but that is almost never by the choice of the parents. It’s important for children wherever possible to have a family unit.

Also, don’t underestimate how difficult pregnancy can be (like I did)! I’m currently pregnant and never realised how absolutely exhausted, sick and anxious I would feel especially during my first trimester. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without my DH there to support me through that, it can be an extremely lonely experience even with a partner so I can’t imagine how lonely it is without.

You're so young. I'd wait at least another 10 years before even thinking about going it alone. You have no idea who you will meet or how your life will change in that time.

At 23 no. But 33 yes probably something I’d consider in your situation.

I think it's worth taking some time to consider your sexuality first. You may decide you do want a relationship which will be harder if you have a child.

You have a lot going on - sexuality, drug addict mother, etc - would a therapist help you to think it all through?

I am not anti this in principle - one of my best friends is a single mother by choice, through donor IVF and she is really happy. It just sounds like you have a lot more going on

You’re 23! You need time to grow up before you consider being a parent. Being a single parent by choice is only ever a last resort imo. Give yourself ten years.

There’s a very active SMBC group on FB that might be worth joining. There are some unique issues to consider relating to Solo Parenting by Choice, as well as parenting a Donor Conceived child, I’d have a browse on there for a few months and get a feel for it all first and check that everything sits right with you and you’ve figured out how you’ll manage it all.

You are certainly not being unreasonable to consider it, but you are very young and you have plenty of time to make sure that you’ve got all the details ironed out and accommodated.

Also, start saving. Fertility treatment is incredibly expensive!

Having a baby won’t make up for your childhood loss at having a mum who wasn’t nurturing. A lot of people try to relive their childhood trauma by trying to create a perfect family full of what they didn’t have. The thing is kids don’t know about the past hurts and all they know are their own needs. Kids are kind of selfish and really hard work. Kids without dads are much more disadvantaged than kids with dads. I don’t know if I could inflict the emotional pain of rejection and abandonment on a child from day one.