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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Baby girls name - is it awful

253 replies

Startre28 · 07/10/2023 21:30

Name changed as its very outing.
i am pregnant and now know it’s a girl which I expected a boy !
we lost DP early on in the pregnancy and I haven’t even had a moment to think of her name.
his family would like it to be in our honour of DP.
this Name - Cory middle name Lee
they want Cory but I am not overly keen on it for a girls name as much as I would love for her to have DP name
I have suggested coralie
and me cause he never had a daughter before and I know he wanted to go have his nans middle name in there somewhere it would be coralie Martha … surname.

or do you prefer Cory ?

OP posts:
greenhydrangea · 08/10/2023 02:38

Startre28 · 07/10/2023 23:39

@PenguinLove1 because they tried to collect DSC and I refused and now legally it’s been decided they stay with me.
but that’s a whole different thread !
em so gradually we have moved past that and accepted we all have to get along for children’s sake but now I feel like every decision I have needs 12 peoples approval !

Fuck that. You've had enough trauma for one lifetime, you don't need to be retraumatised every time you say your daughter's name, to please them.

Go with the name you want. Lucy Martha is lovely.

I agree with posters above - tell them you both chose that name and then shut them down.

Nanaof1 · 08/10/2023 02:47

I love Cora and Coralie. Cory for a girl, no so much. But both would make me sad more than happy, as I would think of DP and never feel able to move forward.

But, this is YOUR DD and you will be calling her that name forever, so make sure it's a name you love and will make you happy to use.

I'm sorry for your loss. {{HUGS}}

Nanaof1 · 08/10/2023 02:54

Okay, now that I have caught up on all of your posts, my opinion doesn't change, except I would not use any derivative of Cory. That is not a reminder I would enjoy having and when she gets older, it's not something she should be saddled with either. She deserves to be saddled with happiness and joy, not sadness and tragedy.
I love Lucy Martha, or anything with Lucy.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/10/2023 03:26

Personally I think tributes are best kept as middle names. Given the tragic circumstances I’d be reluctant to give the child a name so close to father’s if you don’t want it. Lucy is a lovely name.

VedaPierce · 08/10/2023 03:40

Lucy Martha is a beautiful name. You chose Lucy - your DP chose Martha. A perfect combination.

If you were not considering Cory or similar with DP there is no need to introduce it now on account of pressure you really should not be subjected to.

Rosebud21 · 08/10/2023 03:50

I am sorry for your loss @Startre28, Lucy Martha is a great name, and the one you are most comfortable with.

kweeble · 08/10/2023 04:02

She is your daughter and her own person - only choose a name for her that you love. Your DPs family should have no say in this as you wouldn’t involve them if he hadn’t died.
I wish you you joy and happiness in raising your daughter.

Turtletotem · 08/10/2023 04:03

You sound amazingly strong, your children (all of them) are lucky to have you. Lucy is a good name and if you choose it then Martha goes with it beautifully.
I wouldn't be using any derivative of his name.
Stay strong and best wishes for the future

Ikilledsyriusblack · 08/10/2023 05:17

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 07/10/2023 22:53

Posted before I read that your choice would be Lucy Martha. So use that & if you wanted to you could give your baby girl an extra middle name of Coralie/Cory

This 100%

Lucy Martha Cory ………..

it’s vital your baby’s name is your choice. Don’t be pressurised.

Libelula21 · 08/10/2023 05:22

I’m so sorry for your loss under such circumstances. Go ahead and feel as much anger as you like xx

I don’t know how long you were with DP, but I lost my beloved DP when DC was 1yo, coming up for 5 years ago.

I just wanted to say you WILL recover, this time will recede, and for that reason I think you should go with whatever name YOU most like, especially if that’s a name that’s facing towards the future and not the past.

We gave DC their late grandfather’s name as a middle name, but I had never met my F-i-L, so it didn’t mean much to me. It meant a lot to DP though. (We kind of got round things by giving DC three middle names 🙈 and now I kind of wish I could drop that one.)

Dustyblue · 08/10/2023 05:44

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2023 23:14

Op, I'm going to be very blunt and direct.

Please, do not name your daughter after her father who took his own life. Do not burden your child this way. It is TOO MUCH. Your child deserves her own identity, not one tied to such horrible tragedy. It will be hard enough for her to know her father killed himself before she was even born.

You do need to grow a backbone because you are putting other people's wants above the well-being your child. It's madness.

Perfect advice X

I'm so sorry for you OP, you've too much on your plate right now. I like your thinking about not deciding/announcing her name until she's here. Yes, everyone might have settled down a bit by then, hopefully.

It's important to remember that kids in general are pretty ego-centric. In that, they think everything is about them, even the bad stuff. For example, my grandmother killed herself when I was a baby. I never knew her, but as a child thought she might've done it because she was upset that I was born, or she must've hated me etc. Madness! But kids think like that for a while.

Please use whatever name you love best. Name choosing is hard enough without this layer of worry. Just start fresh. Lucy is a beautiful name, start there X

Zanatdy · 08/10/2023 06:06

Sorry for your loss and congratulations on a soon to be daughter. I agree don’t be forced into anything, this is your daughter and whilst a name in his honour would be lovely, it’s not mandatory. Cory is a boys name in the main, and whilst it would have been nice for a boy, I don’t think it fits for a girl. I’d go with the name of your choice, with Cory as a middle name. Don’t let them put any pressure on you, at the end of the day it’s your DD who will be answering questions all her life like ‘isn’t that a boys name’ or people expecting a boy when they see her name written.

LittleBrownJug · 08/10/2023 06:11

I am sorry for your loss and trauma, and of course you are angry. Please don’t stress. You sound capable and amazing and I’m sure everything will fall into place name wise when you have your DD.

Personally I had to meet my DD before naming her … apart from being convinced she was a boy none of the names in my head were ‘right’ when she was actually there. I also love your own choice of Lucy Martha and please, please don’t be bullied into anything by DP family at this really difficult time for you.

wishing you strength.

SD1978 · 08/10/2023 06:29

With your updates, you need to do what you're comfortable with, not what's going to please his family. If you want to use his name, fair enough but dont be railroaded or guilted in to it- this is your baby too, and juts because you're the parent that's still here, doesn't suddenly mean everything he may have wanted gets a priority. You're the one who has to bring up the kids, you need to be happy with the name.

FabFitFifties · 08/10/2023 06:49

I know a Corrina - do you like that? I find Coralie a bit of a mouthful - but it's what you love that matters,and no one else.

FabFitFifties · 08/10/2023 06:56

Apologies, I hadn't read the updates. This is your choice - and Lucy is lovely.

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2023 07:11

Hi OP I am really sorry you are going through this. You are doing so well.

Having read all your posts, I would strongly suggest you just using a name you love e.g. Lucy. It's not fair on you, the baby or the rest of your DC to be reminded of trauma every single day. Also you say you are still angry at the moment - don't decide on a baby's name when you're angry

Godlovesall26 · 08/10/2023 07:14

Startre28 · 07/10/2023 22:45

If I had my choice
she would be called Lucy Martha … surname to be honest.

I’m so sorry for your loss 🕯️🌼

Lucy is a beautiful name. But don’t tell them until birth, go with your heart, when you feel ready to think about it.

Two middle names are absolutely fine also, and still frequent due to the general name choosing angst for all, you could do Lucy Cory Martha Surname. I don’t want to suggest more ideas as it should be your decision.

I come from a culture where grandparents names are usually expected to be the first grandchild’s first name, then the following ones’ middle name, although it has evolved a bit (depending on families really) now into people being free to keep it as a middle name, if the hurt is too much for the parents for instance, and that’s also the reason why it has always skipped a generation. It would be hoped in this instance that a great-grandchild would maybe have the name, but again the idea is middle name if people wish.
Otherwise you’re free (socially acceptable wise currently in my culture I mean) to give your child whichever first name you wish.

All this to say, please don’t feel the need to justify your own choices, it’s such a complex decision, how you would feel, how the older siblings, who I imagine are still young, would feel to have their younger sibling have their dad’s name.
( I’m sorry for the caricatural example but it’s a bit like Prince William and Harry’s girls, Charlotte was deliberately given a beautiful but neutral first name, that’s a bit the idea now in my culture also (which has huge societal pressure).

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 08/10/2023 07:19

Coralie is gorgeous. Corey Lee awful. It’s your decision and yours only.

Zonder · 08/10/2023 07:20

Presumably dsc had been living with you and your partner previously? How mean would it have been to take them away from home and siblings? Crazy.

Honestly you need to just get on with doing what works for you and your little family. They're what counts, not various adults working out their grief in random ways.

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 07:22

Go with your choice. Your partner's family's grief should not be placed on this little girl. She is going to have to grow up without a parent and may not want a daily reminder of the footsteps she walks in.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 08/10/2023 07:22

Having read your updates, I think you should choose Lucy Martha. Your daughter isn’t a walking memorial to her father and should be able to have her own identity. Naming her with his name - or a similar sounding female equivalent - isn’t fair on either you or her.

Godlovesall26 · 08/10/2023 07:24

Just to add I just googled the meaning of Lucy and it means ‘light’ which is beautiful.
I also wished to add, you are already honoring your DP I think in a lovely way by giving her his nan’s name. Please don’t feel pressured into anything else.

Wishing you strength and please don’t hesitate to keep posting if you wish even if to ask the same question again times X over time, I think we’d all like to support you even if in this tiny way only.

echinaceadreams · 08/10/2023 07:24

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 08/10/2023 07:22

Having read your updates, I think you should choose Lucy Martha. Your daughter isn’t a walking memorial to her father and should be able to have her own identity. Naming her with his name - or a similar sounding female equivalent - isn’t fair on either you or her.

This said what I was trying to say much better. I think it could actually do harm to your child if you go with your partners name in these circumstances. The family is upset and grieving so you have to think long term.

Wick55 · 08/10/2023 07:25

I think both are cute, Martha goes really well as middle name.
Coralie can always be shortened to Cory, sometimes that just happens on its own as they get older x x