Baby girls name - is it awful

[Startre28]

Name changed as its very outing.
i am pregnant and now know it’s a girl which I expected a boy !
we lost DP early on in the pregnancy and I haven’t even had a moment to think of her name.
his family would like it to be in our honour of DP.
this Name - Cory middle name Lee
they want Cory but I am not overly keen on it for a girls name as much as I would love for her to have DP name
I have suggested coralie
and me cause he never had a daughter before and I know he wanted to go have his nans middle name in there somewhere it would be coralie Martha … surname.

or do you prefer Cory ?

Feminising it with the lea / line is ok. I don’t necessarily think of male genitalia then.

I'm sorry but I think your DP's parents are totally out of line here. I get that they are grieving but this is your baby. How on earth do they think that you could cope with using your late partner's name day and daily, in these tragic circumstances?

It's an absolute no, so far as I am concerned. Tell them firmly that you will decide your daughter's name when you meet her. It's actually none of their business, and they have no right to pressurise you like this.

You love Lucy, he loved Martha. Lucy Martha is beautiful. Please don't saddle your DD with a name that will only ever evoke tragedy. It's not fair on her, and it's not a particularly nice name, and it's not a girl's name.

So sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I hope you have a supportive family of your own x

I totally agree. So sorry for you OP. This must all be so complex to navigate. Put yourself first. 💔

Lucy Martha is enough. If you want to, you could add an appropriate version of Coralie etc as a third name. It's a unique enough identity for her to grow up with. It is your choice and you will be saying her name constantly and writing it down. I used to joke when mine were toddlers, that you should test a name by standing in a park and shouting it.

Use your surname. You are the parent and no one else has parental responsibility. Your lives will be simpler for sharing a surname.

No one else has the right to name her or make decisions for you.

You have every right to be angry. It's a standard feature of raw grief, let alone when sudden and distressing circumstances occured.
30+ years later, there is still a slither of me that is angry that my dad did not seek timely medical advice and take his health seriously.

I wish you all the best for a smooth birth and contented baby 💐

@Startre28 I know it's not the same as a partner dying but, I was in a similar situation... solo pregnancy & at 6 months along my then 13 year old daughter suffered a Stroke.

Far too many hormones and emotions!

I felt guilty that the baby would feel my stress, I felt guilty that the pregnancy made things more complex for my daughter.

And I feel now, in hindsight that i didn't get to 'enjoy' my pregnancy at all and I felt disconnected from my baby.

Thankfully, as soon as he was born (by planned C-section) I felt that rush of love and then felt guilty all over again that I'd felt numb for a lot of my pregnancy. He's 14 now and the light of all of our lives.

So ... I'll tell you what I think I'd like to have heard from someone back then ...

It's hard, it's shitty and it's not fair, not at all. But, you WILL be okay. You're not at full capacity strength right now but, that's okay too... just keep breathing, deep breaths and a walk outdoors every day if you can manage it.

Your body will give baby everything she needs for now so you just need to look after you.

As for DPs relatives, I appreciate and acknowledge their loss but, this is your partner, your baby, your family and you get to make all the decisions. If they don't respect you then they don't get any contact. Tell them, if you must that DP wanted the name Lucy Martha and if you WANT to L M Cory surname but, it's your choice. She will have lots of things from her Daddy, she doesn't need his first name as hers too.

Big hugs xxx

Cory sounds too masculine. Coralie is nice. It also goes very well with Martha.

Call her Lucy. His family can get lost tbh they don't have a say, you could call her Boudicca Asterope Balonz-Data and there's sod all they could do about it.

Lucy Martha is lovely! And so nice for her to have the name her father chose for her.

I like Coralie as well. Also Carrie Martha.

Call her Lucy as that's the name you love. Then either use Martha or Cory as the middle name however I wouldn't personally use his name as it is a large burden to carry. You have a strong come back of "she is Martha as that was the name He wanted and I want to be able to tell her that her father had a part in naming her" She is Lucy because she is a person in her own right and it is a name I love.

Also your anger is very normal don't feel you are somehow doing it " wrong" you are not.

You get to name your child. It’s lovely that your using a family name of theirs for her middle name, but they do not get to chose both!

Anyway, you might look at that little face and think, Oh, hello, completely different name.

My DH wanted to name our first child after his deceased father, who had died when my DH was 20 many years before we met.

I liked the name though wouldn't have chosen it myself. But it meant a lot to him and I went with it.

I didn't consider that when we went to visit his father's grave that means our son read his own name on a gravestone, and I found that hard to see too. I'm not sure my husband feels the same way as for him the name also is associated with his dad's memories but for me and our son who never met him, that's DS1's name.

DH has suggested his own first name for a possible future boy, and I have vetoed it hard as a first name.

He has admitted that he wonders if calling DS1 after his dad has complicated his feelings for him as he finds his relationship with DS2 much more straightforward with no expectations.

Let her have her own name. Grief in these circumstances is going to be hard enough without giving his name to her. You deserve to give her a name that makes you smile when you say it and hear it. She deserves that too.

Gentle with yourself. If his family choose to misdirect some of their grief and anger at you over your choices they can. But she's no less his daughter for having a name you as a couple may have chosen to if he hadn't died.

It's you choice. It's better to feel a little guilty now about not doing what they think they want, than to resent them and him every time you say her name forevermore. Chose guilt over resentment.

OP,

Name your child what YOU want to name her. They had their shot at naming their kids.

Whatever name YOU decide doesn’t make her any less his.

a word of advice: do not share her name with ANYONE until she’s been born and named. Best advice I ever got. Blessings to you Xx

My dad died the same way when I was 1.

I would not want to be named after him or have a different surname as my mum.

I am adamant on that. I don’t want a daily reminder that my father chose to leave me, even if his reasons were not related to me. He still knew what he was doing. I’m not grateful to him, I think he’s a dick 30+ years later.

so from someone that has a somewhat similar experience, name your baby girl Lucy with YOUR surname.

OP having read your posts, call her Lucy, give her your surname and don’t burden her with her dad’s name. She can hear all about him but it’s possibly going to be a complex thing for her throughout her life and I would want her to be her own person.

I don’t think it matters that DSC will have a different surname but since you are the one bringing him up maybe in the future he might choose to use yours or be known by it.

I think the in laws are being overbearing in their grief, which’s is their issue to deal with, you have quite enough in your plate.

Both are nice. Would you like Martha Cory, which sounds lovely too.

Cora is also lovely. Go with what you’re happiest with op.

Sorry for your loss.
Id go with what you want Lucy Martha, he chose Martha so you are still honouring him.

Lucy is a lovely name. His parents got to choose their sons name, they don’t get to choose again.

This is your little girl and I’m sure everyone will love her regardless.

I wouldn’t like her to be named after her father, because that would be hard.

She’s still his daughter, and had he lived it wouldn’t be Coralie or similar.

@Changedmymind99 💐 you put it better than I did due you your own experience, sorry to hear that. I was afraid of being too blunt but yes the impact on a child is immense.

@Startre28 stop worrying about what other people want , this is your baby and your decision , so if you want to call her Lucy that is exactly what you should do . I also agree with the many other posters that have said to give the baby your surname . Best wishes 💐

Op. Condolences on your husband’s dp. But. You have as much a say as him and the names you give your daughter should be loved by both of you. You’re basically getting entire decision taken from you. Absolutely not. You’re carrying this baby, not your husband’s family. Traditionally you as the mother will have a greater part in naming a daughter just as the father will enjoy having a big part in naming a son. Of course traditions don’t have to be what happened in the past anymore but you should have a huge say in this. I don’t like any of the names. What names do YOU like, not related to what is being pushed upon you or compromises??

Ah, LUCY, now there’s a nice name. I would NOT use ANY of the names h or his family are pushing because of their underhanded way of forcing these dubious names on you. In fact, get fancy and name your daughter three lovely names, none of them remotely what others insist on, and then your surname. Or double barreled if you must. I’m not sure how to handle surname options.

Equally your DP should keep his own memory. You don't want to be reminded every time you have to say it. You need to be able to choose when to remember and reflect and when to just live in the moment. I'd find constantly saying his name difficult.

This^

I think of my dad everyday and he passed 7 years ago. However, for considered moments, I need to compartmentalise when these times will be otherwise, I'd be a constant mess - unable to ever move forward with my life. Coralie Martha is beautiful but as long as you're sure. As time passes your relationship with them may change so it has to be right for you. Sorry for your loss and all the best x

Go for Lucy Martha. It's lovely and well help you bond with your new name during a very stressful time. You're at high risk of post natural depression and the in laws are already awkward so that relationship might break down anyway, then you'll be left fuming that you allowed them to bully you into a name you didn't want. Please look after your self, you need it

I know you won't be able to contemplate this now - but think ahead 5 years, 10 years. You may have met someone new, and your grief may not be as raw as it is now. Will you want to be reminded of such a difficult time in your life via your daughter's name? I doubt it.

You need to give yourself the chance to heal, and move on. Giving your daughter your DP's name will only root you in the past.

Give your baby her own identity x

Lucy Corinne?
Very sorry for your loss. Please look after yourself x