High earner/low earner relationships

[CandleLight11]

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

Even if that's the case it requires an open and honest conversation - in keeping with 'life partners'.
Different attitudes towards money don't bode well for a long term relationship.

This
I think after 6yrs he has guessed your more interested in his money probably why he is in rented to make a split teasier. He pays for everything when your out together., takeaways, holidays little presents etc while you are building up debt and complaining he buys himself lunch and coffees.
My DH earns a lot more everything goes in one pot pays for everything except some clothes and solicialing with separate friends. We have the same pocket money 😂 no idea what else to call it! a few hundred a month for anything we want could be more but currently saving to over pay the mortgage.

What is a high salary in your mind? I am really curious to know.

Honestly if it was my brother I'd be telling him to run a mile. You are two adults with no dependents, he pays for pretty much all of the social side of things but you feel that as your partner you should be entitled to more! Get a better job.

Well there was a thread similar the other day and he was

Well there was a thread similar the other day and he was

OP I am really concerned for you. This relationship is just plodding along and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere :-( I think that you need to decide what YOU want and then lay your cards on the table with regard to marriage, children etc… I would prioritise this over financials right now, but I do think it’s important that these are more fairly apportioned.

Fair enough. Like I said, I'm interested in all opinions and can see why this is a valid perspective too. My partner is lovely and treats me very well, I'm not denying that. And the fact is, he has loads of money for 'fun' things and I don't, and sometimes that makes me feel a bit out of place in our partnership. Perhaps I am wrong for feeling way this and I just need to keep working really hard on getting my debt down.

Would you like to get married and have DC or own a home? Don’t waste your 30’s with someone unless you’re on the same page.

Yes we want to have kids but sadly it's taking longer than we'd have hoped. As you can see, he is a great partner (I didn't say he wasn't) and I know that, I am just struggling emotionally with feeling like the poor relative sometimes :/.
I'm very lucky he treats me to nice things. I guess I can't help feeling that it's hard sometimes watching him spend £hundreds/ £thousands a month on what to me seem like daft things, whilst I am in an overdraft/can't buy anything other than necessities.

Obviously we all have different views on family, but paying for my family's care is a priority to me and something I would choose no matter how much money I have/don't have and would rather go without other things for myself.

Some harsh assumptions here ('cocklodger'?). Just because someone doesn't earn £160K doesn't meant they're not working hard. The average (median?) UK salary is about £30K. The OP works full-time, she isn't living off her boyfriend. If she was after a man for his money, she wouldn't have stuck for six years with someone who only buys the occasional takeaway and present. Maybe I missed it, but I don't see any mention that the partner bankrolls their holidays.

After six years, the OP needs to have a serious chat with her boyfriend about where things are going, especially if she wants to have kids. It doesn't sound like a true partnership to me at the minute, more like flatmates with benefits. (I could be projecting - that's how I felt with my ex.)

'Longer than you hoped?'
So you're TTC while living in a rented place with this man?
How was this going to work exactly?
The more you post the more ridiculous this is starting to sounds.

Also you still haven't answered where your debt came from.

If you are partners and wanting to start a family your finances should be joint and decisions made mutually if you're not, then no. But this strange limbo state of 'half-in half out' is ridiculous.

He has gotten you where he wants you. There is no benefit to him being open with you. You on the other hand as hard done by as you are, will be even worse off if you leave him.

So what's to be done here really?

Don't reproduce with this man until you've sorted things out. He needs to shit or get off the pot quite frankly.

@CandleLight11 Money aside the fact that hes "oh we will just get a takeaway" when there isnt enough food in the house is a red flag. Because it shows that the mental load as in the mental household load will be down to you. And that will be multiplied if you were to have children with this man.

That's not normal to me. Now husband but partner of 13 years and I have had periods where he earned more and periods where I did. After our son was born with additional needs I cut back work massively so I earn low and he earns high. All of our money is our money, we don't think about his and mine. We are a partnership.

I feel like you're quite precarious sounding in your relationship, do you see yourself with him long term?

I havent' read all of the posts but the danger of him paying all the rent is that cost is fixed and very visible, and also may make him feel entitled in ways that are invisible in relation to the money you pay out. you need to sit down and talk about it. 160k is so disproportionate to 30k, you at least need to think about proportionately in rent and outgoings - and if you pay 750 and he pays 1k, he's both probably feeling good about paying the rent, whilst simultaneously actually paying very little more than you.You pay all the hidden, 'soft' costs. Work out a proportion, and split both costs accordingly (70/30?). And as some have said, don't plan a future with someone who is mean with money - it's not fun. Men earn more than women for lots of reasons - and not much of it is to do with skill or talent.
In what ways does he show any understanding of equality, or oppression, in your experience. Does he know how it works, and how he contributes to it? Does he tip well when he goes to a restaurant? What's his background and story? What's yours, and how did you meet him? If wages were reversed would you be with him, and what would you be doing regarding finances? Difficult questions to really know answers to, but worth exploring.
Don't be with him without securing your own financial solid base - he can fxx around for a few years not getting a mortgage or worrying about future, but you are not in such a luxurious position. Think about what you want for yourself and your own financial future, as well as relationship ....

Another thought: are your living costs set to his salary or yours? If you're paying half of what someone on £160K considers reasonable rent, no wonder you're skint. Either his share of the rent should be proportional to his income, or you should rent a place someone on £30K can afford half of.

I am surprised that someone on £160K would be renting. It doesn't sound like he's thinking of the future.

she earns 30k and pays 750 a month to cover rent, household bills and groceries. Clearly this fits a 30k budget.

If he's paying for all holidays, meals out and frequent takeaways as well as rent it seems like he's quite generous. If you're on 30k a year and are only paying living expenses then you should have 1750 left monthly. What is the debt for and how much is it? How much is going towards supporting your relative? If you're struggling financially but still paying out you can't reasonably blame your partner for that, he's had no choice in what money you decide to give other people.

The other thing which I think a PP said as well I'd that if you join finances, you need to make joint decisions. My DH and I have joint finances and we wouldn't unilaterally make the decision to send lots of money regularly to a relative - that would need to be something we discussed and agreed together.

He might well prefer to save that money - especially if you have children together

Absolute madness trying to conceive with this man while you still haven't sorted out your finances. His attitude to money is careless and he doesn't seem to care that you are struggling.

How is this going to work while you are on maternity leave? Will he expect you to fund childcare and other child related expenses??

How much say, if any, are you likely to have over where you live, how you organize your joint lives, which cars you buy, etc? What about your long-term futures - pensions and the like - or will you always be the poor relation?

And am I guessing right that marriage is off the table? You are going to be very vulnerable. Don't do it!

£400 on food for two is a lot. I spend £400 on 4 and that includes lunches for the two adults too.

OP so what’s the plan, have a baby, you continue to pay for a relatives care, who’s paying for childcare, are you going to rent for ever, any plans to get married, how’s maternity leave going to work?