High earner/low earner relationships

[CandleLight11]

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

Set up a joint bank account to pay all your normal expenses each month. Include rent, bills, food shopping, take-aways. If you have kids then include childcare, kids clothes and all their stuff.

Each month, you split the total between you in proportion to what you earn and each of you puts that amount into the account

You said you earn 30k and he earns 160k so your household earnings is 190k.

What that means is

1. You make 16 per cent of your household earnings (30k divided by 190k) so you pay 16% of the joint costs.

1. He makes 84 per cent of your household earnings (160k divided by 190k) so he pays 84% of the joint costs.

This way you're contributing to joint things fairly.

With such a big income difference I'd expect the bigger earner to pay for luxuries like holidays and nights out, assuming they don't mind and want to have nicer things for both of you for earning more.

Word of warning. I'm currently pregnant and pretty unwell in my second trimester. Still struggling with lots of nausea. I haven't worked much the last 2 months and realistically will probably earn only a fraction of what I used to throughout the pregnancy. Then of course I won't be earning during maternity leave for 9-12 months (I work in the medical sector but on a self employed basis). So DH is having to pay the majority of bills and rent, as well as make up the difference on the flat he owns (tenanted but mortgage is atrocious due to interest rates so he doesn't always break even). He's also going to need to buy the major purchases for the baby and potentially also top up my maternity allowance so I have enough spending money.

You need to be on the same page with this man before you have a baby with him and know he is willing to support you financially if needed. If you lost your job tomorrow and then found out you were pregnant next week, you must be sure your partner would support you so that you don't have added financial stress when you are trying to stay physically and mentally healthy during a pregnancy.

Did you have a good time at the Tory Party conference?

A £160k salary puts then well inside the top 2% of earners in this country.

@CandleLight11 are you ttc or sadly taking longer than expected to decide if you want kids?

OP, why are you trying for children when there is such disparity in your relationship?

So risky.

He pays for lots of things but does not sound committed to you long term.

What if you are unwell and unable to work, or your child has challenges?

Who will pay for childcare?

You are trying to have a child when you clearly are not a team, you have other obligations financially, and there is huge disparity between you.

Such risky behaviour.

Have you discussed marriage or is it just a given that he hasn't a notion of committing to you before having a child?

You deserve better.

You have no business trying for a child in these circumstances.

Wtf? She’s 1250 quid a month disposable income. What she chooses to do with it is her choice, he should not be expected to keep her or pay for her relative or her debt.

why do so many women think that’s what commitment is. Yet if a man expect this from his partner he’s a cocklodger.

Well actually looking at this, it seems like the DP is the one who has no say in anything.
OP has unilaterally decided to send large amounts of money to a relative and this is 'non-negotiable'.
OP has incurred debt, on her own, with no involvement from her DP.

And as @Broccoliforever points out not only does he pay for all the extras that enables OP to have a nice life, but all OP has to cover is bills and food. Even that she's trying to get out of and her DP has stepped up by buying takeaways. He's not hiding away eating leaving OP to starve.

as @arintingly pointed out joint decision making means all of it is discussed, together. The waters are muddied by him earning so much that it seemingly doesn't matter but it's the principle.

The DP has not forced to her to do ANYTHING that is beyond her means. 750 food and bills are well within the reach of a 30K earner. It doesn't look like he's forcing her to buy organic food and artisan bread.

It's OP choice to get into debt and pay for the relative. Why should the DP have to bail her out if it wasn't jointly discussed and agreed?

Either she accepts that they discuss everything together and decide or it's everybody for themselves. She can't choose a mode of decision making depending on what suits her. It looks like the waters are muddied because the DP earns so much he's expected to put his hand in his pocket and just fund whatever OP decides. Otherwise he's called mean, stingy, uncompassionate, etc.

This. Absolutely this. This 1250 stretches a long way because her OH pays for holidays, take aways and nights out. She's got plenty. If she's unilaterally deciding she wants to give hundreds of pounds to a relative every month, she can't just assume her OH will then give her money to make up for that. There is no way a man in this position would be getting the 'poor you' responses.

Well me and my husband earn similar, all money is in one account, bills come out and everything left we share equally. Always have.

Me too but OP and her OH are not married.

I am struggling to understand the issue. It sounds like he is generous. He pays for a lot. The only thing he doesn't do is give OP money towards her debt.

Yabu

OP, it's tricky.

I'm in the exact opposite situation, and it's really tough actually both ways.

I believe the ideal is that you should both be better off, or at least not worse off by being with each other. Now, if you were alone, it sounds like you would have a much harder life and be much less well off. You'd have more costs, as you'd need to pay some rent, and you would not have any of the takeaways, holidays etc that he treats you to. So you are better off by being with him.

It sounds like he is worse off for being with you- as he is paying all the mortgage, lots of the food as he pays for all the takeaways/ eating out, and your holidays etc....

So that already creates a dynamic that he is subsidising you and you are not an independent adult standing on your own two feet. That can be corrosive for a relationship. Even though he can afford it.

On top of that, you are wanting more - perhaps to pay of your debt and for him to cover all costs? Or even provide an allowance? Do you know what you would be happy with?

I do understand the feeling that it's not right to be in a couple with both of you living different levels of comfort. And six years is a long time. But I don't think it's a healthy dynamic for you to become a full blown dependent. You are already subsidised...

If you are having children, that is a TOTALLY different scenario. You are then contributing labour to him and making your self financially vulnerable etc...... please, please don't even try for children before you have established that you will be supported far more through that, and finances will be treated far more as mutual,

We did this before we were married

No I mean our earnings a similar to OPs he earns much more