High earner/low earner relationships

[CandleLight11]

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

I was in a relationship with someone who was significantly better off than me. When we lived together, in his place, we split all the bills 50/50. He spent a lot of money on himself. When we went out to eat or on holiday, it was always 50/50, right down the line. I'm all for fairness, but I began to feel resentful.

I don't have any answers to the problem of financially unequal relationships - I moved on and never looked back - but I will say that there is no future with someone who is mean. If you are going to genuinely share a life together, there has to be sharing. You can't have two different standards of living within one relationship. If a partner is entirely unengaged with your financial situation, security and wellbeing, then they're not planning a future with you, they're just passing the time.

Have you discussed this with your partner? You refer to him as your life partner, but is that how he sees you?

@CandleLight11 but you do share a similar quality of life if he's paying for nights out, holidays etc- the fact you have a debt repayment - why not ask if he would pay it off for you if it's both that big - and I don't see why you are paying for a relatives care if you are struggling yourself - they probably presume it's all shared money and that you have lots and that it's no big deal - I am presuming they are overseas (I may be wrong of course) and that is often the perception- that anyone in the UK is rolling in cash.

If he's your partner of 6 years and he's flush with cash, I think he sounds really mean. If you are in a loving relationship, you should be able to tell him this and he should want to help you. I'd ask him what he thinks would be a fair arrangement if you had kids, because the answer might really put you off!

He sounds ungenerous which is a trait I detest.

I earn triple what DH does. All goes in one account, we work equally hard.

I know that love isn't
about money, but if he gave a proper shit about you that overdraft would have been dealt with a long time ago.

I don't agree with that. Many years ago, I had a much wealthier partner. We were not and did not marry, but together, have kids. The commitment was more limited and I did not expect to have his lifestyle just because he wa la my boyfriend. I think you have £1250 ish left per month after rent, bills and food? that's clearly loads so if you're running out that's a budgeting issue and not because your not highly committed partner is not subbing you. That said, if the commitment level is this low after so long together, it may be time to call it quits.

So he actually does pay for quite a lot.

I still think he probably doesn't see you as a long term bet and more of a good enough for now person.

You need to accept that you have too vastly different disposal incomes and he has possibly little desire to formalise the relationship, hence your debt and struggles are of little concern to him.

It does not sound like a long term relationship to me.

There are a lot of people on here who have little or no income of their own and rely on being supported by a partner. If that's the kind of relationship you are happy with then its up to you. Trouble starts when the high earner is not willing to share or leaves.

DH has always earns more than me and has always shared his earnings generously.

I was a student when I first moved in with him and I contributed toward food etc but he paid all mortgage and bills (he owned the house when we met).

once I was working we added my name to the deeds and mortgage and I paid proportionately according to our earnings.

once married we opened a joint account for mortgage and bills and we kept equal amounts of “spends” in our own individual accounts. So he paid more into shared account.

on maternity he paid for almost everything.

I can’t imagine him enjoying things by himself knowing that I couldn’t do the same.

I think after 6 years if you arr truly in the mindset of life partner ( marriage or not) the partner would have helped with the debt as its tiny for him.

That being said I have no idea and I wonder at what length of relationship id consider this and wonder other posters thoughts?

What conversations have the two of you had about it? In my relationship we share, I'm the high earner, I wouldn't like a relationship as long as yours where you don't see each other as partners for life yet.

I do think you're overspending drastically even so if you can't cope on £30k. That's nearly £2k/mth, so £1250 left over after rent, bills and food. Whatever you're paying for your relative is not something you can actually afford right now, you need to live cheaply for 6 months to fully pay off your debt, then you can see about handing out extra cash to someone else. If your DP chooses to pay the debt and/or for them instead when you lay out the financial situation, then great, but you need to actually ask him if he's willing to support your relative because the money is for them rather than for you.

Dh doesn't earn that much more than me - I'm 40k he's probably 80k but he pays all the bills and gives me £275 a month towards the food and internet.
I do all the food shopping, he pays for most meals out and takeaways.

I have my own bills and stuff for the kids like childminder before school, insurances, dog costs etc so I seem to have a lot of disposable income but I'm always amazed that it doesn't go that far! Food is so expensive at the moment and kids clothes etc.

Oh and to add, we have also paid off debts for each other before. I paid off his huge overdraft when I had some inheritance and he paid off a car loan for me.

I think if I were the DP, whether I would pay off the debt would depend on a few things:

How it came about because I am not interested in paying off gambling or excessive spending debts - TBH it would probably be a deal-breaker for me full stop

Whether I thought the other person was making some effort to pay it off - genuinely cutting down on frivolous spends, reducing costs

Whether I was serious about them

Whether they were generous to me - not necessarily financially but generous with their time, support, etc

Whether I got any sense they were with me for my money

I must admit if I was a high earner then I'd not be thrilled at the thought of subsidising a man who earned a fraction of my income. I think I'd be concerned I would be taken advantage of, which would make me cautious, which can present as mean.
Its interesting that more men are OK with it, which I suppose is about traditional ideas of men with Big Jobs wealthy enough to support a woman, which doesn't sit well with me either.
So, for these reasons I'd not want that much of an income disparity either way round.
No doubt it can work for some, but the chance of this being one of those cases isnt good given you clearly want more from him than he wants to give.

After reading your updates it does sound like he's paying for alot and I don't think he's being miserly towards you. I read on here all the time about how 30k is a very decent income and hence I can also see why your 'struggles' may not be apparent to him. Have you ever discussed this with him properly?

It sounds like if you were to split you'd probably even struggle more on your income alone, but I get that this is not what you're upset about.

Length means nothing - it's commitment. Dh and I met and married within 3 years we share everything others like the OP despite being together so long share very little.
Not just money but joint decision making.

But he will still have a lot more spending money. Eg say your expenses are £3k a month, if he earns £4k a month and you earn £2k. He will pay £2k and have £2k spare, you will pay £1k and have £1k spare.

You should both have the same amount spare for it to be fair as a married couple.

And he will also be the guy who expects her to save only her money for maternity leave.

Your debt is not his debt

Hmm i feel a thread on the child free board coming on.

When I moved in with my BF (now DH), he paid his mortgage and didn't ask me for anything, though I still transferred £200 a month to him. I did take on some of the bills though. At the time I was on around 50k and he earned double that. We paid everything else down the middle though, including holidays, which seemed fair to me. I was better off at least £500 a month so couldn't complain. Definitely helped me save more.

I would expect your partner, if he sees a long term future with you, to help you out a bit more than he currently is.

The OP isn't married - but beyond that I disagree that both halves of a married couple should always have the same spare money. There's a bit of nuance to it though.
If someone deliberately chooses a low stress, low paid job then why should they have the same money as their higher earning partner in stressful role?
Even better are the useless men who 'SAHD' but don't actually do anything leading to the higher earning woman having to do everything anyway as a PP posted.

As a higher earner I have chosen to date lower earners and shared everything with them however they have a great work ethic, kind caring etc just in a lower paid profession. If they'd started slacking, relying on me etc absolutely I'd have cut them off.

Also... r.e. 'lifestyle' not everyone spends mindlessly. Even if I earned a lot more than I currently do my expenses would be exactly the same I'd invest the rest. Don't see why I'd need to give a lower earning partner money to spend frivolously while I saved my bit, but then again I wouldn't be with someone who had champagne tastes on a beer budget.

I really struggle to comprehend modern relationships and the financial gymnastics couples put in place.

For me a relationship develops from dating -> committed life partners.

It used to be the committed life partners happened when the couple got married and/or moved in together and everything in their lives including finances became joint. Now the waters are all muddied and it is imo not for the better.

6 years into a relationship and living together and not being committed life partners in every sense would be a deal breaker for me, and I say that as the bread winner in our family (I consider a couple living together a "family" unit whether they had kids yet or not). If dh and I were not on the same pages financially it wouldn't work for me. I couldn't live with him as a family with such disparity of finances - one of us ok while the other was in financial strife. I would go as far as saying I would feel abusive if I knew my dh was in debt because he struggled to make ends meet while I had savings. I would feel abusive if he felt he had to be beholden to me financially. We both work hard, I just happen to earn more and everything goes into the family pot.

Your setup would be a deal breaker for me. You need to decide your lines and make a decision.

I also wanted to mention I was with a VERY mean man. The father of my children. When I went on maternity leave, I received just statutory maternity leave.

I did a ton of overtime from week 17-25 as thats the income that 90% is based on. I had to self fund my maternity leave ! I was expected to still pay HALF all the bills, even though he was earning a fortune at the time !! I never ever forgave him.

I left him a few years later. He remarried and then had a stroke before he was 60 due to him stressing over money ALL his life. Im now his POA to protect my children's inheritances.

I do echo what all the others say. Your partner and you really should be on the property ladder by now, and his income simply does not match his lifestyle. I have to be careful around my mates when we are arranging holidays etc as I think nothing of spending £50k a year just on holidays and others cant and I have to be mindful that they have to save a whole year for one holiday.

I have a friend who paid off his lower income partner’s debt, once, twice, three times, more. He kept paying it off so she kept wracking it up. She started living in keeping with his salary, not her own. He earnt a lot but was cautious and frugal, which is his right. Perhaps OP’s DP is afraid that will happen. It’s difficult to tell with limited information.