High earner/low earner relationships

[CandleLight11]

Partner of 6 years. Both work FT, rent together, no kids, no pets, not married. He earns £160k, I earn £30k. I have £5k debt and struggle every month as I can’t get out of my overdraft etc. He is financially free i.e. no debt and can buy as much coffee/clothes/gadgets as he wants.

We are in a happy relationship but is this normal? I don’t want a handout, but if we are life partners and I am struggling financially, should he be helping me if he can afford to? Or is it entirely my responsibility to get a better paying job and sort it all out myself?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working. He buys me the occasional present and takeaways, things like that. On the other hand, I accept it’s his money, he works hard for it and he can do what he wants with it.

Opinions please?

I think it's not a partnership. You are boyfriend and girlfriend, not a couple pooling resources for a long term future.
Fine for a casual relationship but if living with someone or having children I'd want marriage and resource pooling

This is one of those threads where the OP doesn't actually match up to reality and is a very narrow slice of what is actually happening.

OP, what exactly is your issue? Will you not be happy unless he is actively increasing your income by physically giving you more money?

It just feels strange sometimes when I can’t make ends meet, but he will have had 3 expensive coffees in a day and perhaps a nice lunch out whilst working.

He pays for most things, he pays for rent, he pays when you go out, he takes you on holiday, he buys you gifts and you are left with a very small contribution of £750 towards your joint lifestyle for bills & food. You make it seem like he is leaving you penniless.
You have £1250 a month, more than enough to buy the coffees he also treats himself too and by no means struggling to make ends meet.

@seishonagon The OP works full-time, she isn't living off her boyfriend. I

She quite literally is though. She would never get rent, all bills and food for £750 unless the BF was subsidising.

Ah I see. I'm the higher earner in my relationship. Since bring married, I share all my money. But I didn't before because it's a whole different ball game when you're just dating - even if living together. If I'm not certain enough to marry/ civil partnership, I'm not massively disadvantaged myself financially to support someone who can live a perfectly good life on their own income.

Obviously we all have different views on family, but paying for my family's care is a priority to me and something I would choose no matter how much money I have/don't have and would rather go without other things for myself

And that’s exactly what you are doing, you’re going without the posh coffees etc, I don’t see the problem.

I basically believe that money is a form of power/freedom and could never be in a loving lifelong relationship where there was a massive imbalance of power/freedom (in whatever form that may take). Of course some imbalance and some shifting around of power in a relationship is inevitable, but someone just having way more money than the other person... not for me.

Have you ever spoken to your partner about how this makes you feel and how you are struggling? What has he said?

I can’t imagine allowing my partner to struggle with debt if I had so much more. Maybe the issue is you aren’t married and so he doesn’t think it is his problem?! But the more important question is, if you did get married would this weird dynamic with finances remain?!
I find people who have always had money and therefore are less insecure about money are more likely to share than those who are not. I would have paid off my partners debt and would want them to feel financially secure and happy. Can’t imagine my DH allowing me to struggle with debt while he lived a lavish lifestyle. Just bizarre!

@Hufflepods This is a very long thread. I missed the part when the OP says he pays for rent, dinners out and holidays. In the first post, it was just occasional gifts and takeaways.

If they are going to have kids, they need to have a serious conversation about finances, because kids change everything. Since she's the low earner, it seems obvious that she'd take a 'career hit' and be the main carer, and that he'd be the breadwinner. How does he feel about that? Or is the OP just assuming that he'll step up? Treating someone to holidays on an income of £160K and supporting a family are very different.

There also needs to be a discussion about her support to her family: if they become a financial unit and she stops earning a FT income, or anything at all while the kids are small, does she expect him to take up the slack? That's a massive ask.

Has the OP discussed any of this with her partner? (If she's mentioned this, I haven't seen the post.)

Relationships - including friendships - where there is a huge wealth differential are very difficult.

Apologies if it's been answered already, but how long has he been earning £160k for? If its relatively recent I think that's likely to make a big difference in his thinking and may also explain the low rent flat. Is he also funding a place in London as you said he works there several days a week?
I'm the higher earner in my relationship, in the past I earned 4x my DH's salary but I've always wanted us to be equals and we both pay into our joint account so that we both have the same disposable income left for ourselves. I also paid off his debt before we bought our first house. Im not sure i would have if he had been funding a third party with his salary, I wouldn't have felt that was fair to me.

For those of you saying he pays the rent/he is subsidising me. He pays £1k (rent) I pay £750 (food/utilities). So he earns 5x more than me but pays £250 more.

Meals out, coffee, holidays etc. are unimportant. They are luxuries he can afford and I would happily go without as I can't afford them. If he wants to pay for us to do this things, that's very nice of him, I'm grateful. If I had to pay for these things I simply would not be doing them.

I don't have £1250 left over, I have to pay for a car (yes I need a car for work and life), petrol, basic necessities (sorry that I may need to buy a few things throughout the month other than pay council tax and put some butter in the fridge), telephone, various insurances, care cost (fine if you don't agree, family health is a priority to me, no need to slaughter me for it I'm hardly saying I'm frittering money away on alcohol and drugs), and debt repayment. There is not much left after that so I remain in an overdraft.

I did say in the OP 'opinions please' and that I can see both sides of the coin.

I guess the verdict is my partner and I should live very opposite lifestyles. In the meantime I will try to up my salary. Thanks for all your input.

Meals out, coffee, holidays etc. are unimportant. They are luxuries he can afford and I would happily go without as I can't afford them.

Ok but your OP is basically about him getting to have nice coffees and you not? I don't really understand if you're fine with it or not.

He also doesn't earn 5x what you earn - once tax is taken into account, it's probably more like 4x. And he does pay for a lot more than £250 a month more than you.

I can't really understand where your money is going - I earn a lot more than you and spend a lot less than £1250 a month once basic living expenses are taken out. I don't stint myself either, I buy myself nice clothing etc. Do you have a really expensive car lease or something?

@CandleLight11 but you aren't living opposite lifestyles OP. You are still going on holidays, meals out, coffees etc - but he's paying for those.if he was nipping off to the Seychelles 3 times a year or insisting you pay half on holidays and meals out etc- I would agree with you I would agree with you- but that doesn't seem to be the case.

The biggie here is you are paying down debt and paying for family care- which really are nothing to do with him- the debt ? Well you can ask if he will pay it off if it's not that huge and tell him it will make things easier- the care? Is there a possibility he doesn't agree with you on this and hence he won't help.

Why not ask him for £250 a month more - say that food and bills have rocketed and you are struggling a bit. Use that to pay a bit more off your debt.

Being honest, you would struggle with this on your own plus rent. At the moment you are coming across as a bit of a gold digger in order to cover off choices you have made- particularly with paying for other peoples care- it's a lovely gesture but clearly you can't afford it based on your income. If it matters that much, why not discuss and see if he's prepared to cover it off- I bet he isn't

@arintingly - no she is paying towards someone else's care requirements and I'm going to bet it's about £400 a month

My issue isn’t he has nice coffees and I don’t. My issue is he chooses to spend sooo much money on frivolous things (his prerogative) whilst his partner is in a small hole of debt.

I didn’t say ‘I’m so entitled, he should be clearing my debt’, I just said that it can feel strange watching your partner spend so much money on endless luxuries whilst you are struggling financially.

I didn’t demand he does anything. I just asked if this would be considered normal and for opinions. I’ve not once said a cross word about my partner, because he’s great.

I guess IABU for feeling this way and I need to up my salary. No, I’m not a gold digger. Thanks for everyone’s opinions.

@CandleLight11 have you asked him if he will pay off your debt- or told him to transfer £250 a month to you for food and bills as you can't manage as you are paying the care requirements? If so I think you should- In the kindest way OP I suspect you are building up resentment but actually haven't told him why you are resentful. He may think all is fine and dandy

OP post you monthly outgoings as it’s hard to see why you are struggling.

And I take on the point that in many ways we don’t live disparingly different lifestyles as he is providing nice things for us both.

I guess I have just felt a bit frustrated and fed up of watching money being spent like it’s going out of fashion when a small slice of that could clear all my financial problems and therefore change my (and therefore our) life for the better. I didn’t mean to sound entitled. Emotions hey! I thought as partners that might be a reasonable feeling given you share life, but after reading this thread turns out it’s not. Nothing like a MN thread to put you in check!

@Crikeyalmighty Thanks for sharing your view in a kind way.

If you hadn't been together so long I'd see nothing wrong with this, but 6 years and trying to start a family, I think it's time to have a conversation about finances and how thinks will work.

Everyone has different views and different financial set ups , I know married couples who live like this, personally I couldn't. Long term you need to know how this will work to see if it's how you want to do things or not.

DH and I are a joint team and what is good for one is good for both, for example one of us being in debt would be "our" debt. Yes, we're married but that's always been the thought process I couldn't be in a relationship with a set up like you have whether I was the high or lower earner. At the end of the day we're a team, on the same page with finances and that's a huge part of a happy relationship.

I really don't think you should be trying for a baby when you do not have the financial stability yourself to have one.

You would be better to have a baby within marriage to give you some financial protection, due to this huge financial disparity.

It's all nice that he's really lovely, but that still doesn't resolve that he doesn't respect you enough for you both to be living in a similar lifestyle when you live together and have been together for years and are trying for a baby! That is alarming!

Will he still expect you to contribute £750/mth when you're off on maternity leave? Will he not look after you financially when you're not working and raising his child? I would have no confidence that he'd take care of you and baby, should you fall pregnant.

I have too been in relationships with huge financial disparity and have never experienced this difference in living standard in the relationships.

It's very off.

@CandleLight11 do you ever both sit down and actually discuss all of this? If so, what are his views on it? If you haven't, I'm wondering if it has just never occurred to him? Maybe he'll be mortified when he realises after you point it out to him.

But the main point of this comment is to please not have a baby with him until you're either married or this situation has been sorted.

Thank you. This summarises well how I feel and how we operate as a couple (this one-sided financial issue aside). We are a team and operate as a team in almost all areas of our life. That’s why I said this just feels strange to me. I’m not a gold digger after his money, and he’s not looking solely after himself looking down on me whilst I struggle.

It’s just an issue we have found ourselves in. Perhaps it is much more prominent to me because and maybe less so to him.

When we’ve spoke he kind of has the view ‘you’ll be fine, I’ll look after you, don’t worry I’ll pay’, perhaps him not realising how much this debt is stressing me out as together we live fine. And the months just kind of go by but my situation remains unchanged adding to my stress/feelings.

Have you actually asked him to pay off your debt or pay all the bills/food etc so you can prioritise the debt?

@CandleLight11 My issue isn’t he has nice coffees and I don’t. My issue is he chooses to spend sooo much money on frivolous things (his prerogative) whilst his partner is in a small hole of debt.

You are choosing to spend soooo much sending money you can't afford to your relative! You seem to think your choices are more valid than his.

This is quite clearly the main drain on your money because the repayment of 5k debt would be quite low relative to your income.

It's interesting how he is so frivolous with his money, but you haven't mentioned where your debt as come from?

It's also very minimising to suggest he only pays £250 more than you. Once you actually factor in everything, the takeaways, holidays, socialising etc, he clearly pays considerably more than £250 in addition to what you cover.

You seem to think all your personal expenses are non negotiable, but his aren't necessary at all.