Friend misconstrued what I said and screamed at me in front of lots of people

[UnIucky]

Apologies, I expect this is going to be long but I just need to get it all out. Not sure what I’m asking either.

I was attending a get together at a friends house last night. It was a mix of friends and people I also know professionally, including future colleagues at a new job I’m starting in a couple of weeks (small industry where everyone knows each other).

I was engaging in conversation with a group of them when the topic turned to celebrities and fashion which I have zero interest in. They started discussing plus size models and “cankles” (which I had never even heard of) at which point I decided to leave and get a drinks refill.

At the same time one of my long standing friends “Sarah” came up to the group and gave me a look that told me she wanted to join the conversation. Knowing she knew I hated all things celeb and fashion related I jokingly/slightly exasperatedly said “They’re talking about plus sized models and cankles. I think it’s my cue to get a refill”.

When I came out from refilling my drink Sarah stormed across the room towards me and started screaming at me. Everyone went completely silent and started watching us. I had no idea what was going on as she started yelling at me calling me all kinds of names under the sun.

Then it dawned on me she had misheard what I had said. She thought I said “talking of plus sized models and cankles” as she walked up to us. She assumed I was referring to her and that I had mockingly laughed at her as I left. She had then asked the other women to confirm what we had been talking about before confronting me (they say they didn’t hear our exchange at all).

I stayed very calm and tried to explain but she wouldn’t let me get a word in. She just kept screaming and telling me to shut my mouth. Eventually she broke down crying. Everyone rallied around her and started comforting her. I also was trying not to cry as nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I felt awful for her, upset she genuinely thought I’d say something like that and humiliated I’d been screamed at in front of so many people. I again tried to give my version of events but nobody really took notice. I tried to explain that:

1. I never said what she thought I said and never would;
2. I told them what I actually said;
3. Even if I had said it, it wouldn’t make any sense as she is tiny and very skinny. I on the other hand had surgery on my thyroid a few months ago and have put on nearly 3 dress sizes since so I am very sensitive about my weight. I’d never mock someone for their weight, ever.

Shortly thereafter I apologised to the host and left. One of mine and Sarah’s mutual friends “Annie” gave me a call and said she believed me and understood my version of events. Annie said she’d talk with Sarah to try and explain. She messaged me again this morning and has been very kind. She is still talking things over with Sarah. I’ve also messaged the host apologising again and gave a brief explanation of what actually happened.

I’ve got no idea what to do now. I feel so humiliated especially that some of my colleagues and future colleagues were there. What if they now think I’m some kind of nasty, shallow backstabber?

Sarah does have a bit of a reputation for being a hot head so her yelling isn’t really out of character but this was proper screaming (I’ve seen her get into a yelling match with her boyfriend in public a couple of times). It’s like we are teenagers in some kind of school drama.

What on earth can I do to salvage this situation?

Nothing really. Just move on.

I can't be friends with hot heads. Unless you get a proper apology, leave it.

I've mistakenly thought people were commenting on my weight but didn't go at them screaming!

Avoid her as much as possible from now on.

You've corrected the assumption - you can't do more than that. I suspect there more to it in her mind than others, but her reaction will be what people remember, not what she accused you of.

What on earth can I do to salvage this situation?

It doesn't need salvaging because you've done nothing wrong. Does your "friend" have a drink problem?

Honestly, you've apologised, now move on. In two days time it'll be forgotten and everyone will be talking about someone else.

She made herself look immature by kicking off like that. There's nothing you can do, unfortunately.

Stop grovelling to Sarah and the host. Sarah has been completely unreasonable - it sounds like she either has problems that are nothing to do with any of your actions, or she is a spoilt attention-seeker.

Sarah has the reputation it sounds like...not you.

I wouldn't worry about it.

You've done nothing wrong. It was a misheard mistake. She should have pulled you aside and asked you directly - but in private.

She sounds dramatic. Not a friend!

Is Sarah an alcoholic?

She made herself ridiculous to be honest. I'd keep her at a distance and 'rise above' any gossip about it. If anyone mentions it I'd probably say I had no idea why Sarah misconstrued a conversation, there must be a reason why she reacted so extremely but you're not privy to that information. She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I don't have anything to do with grown adults who start screaming like a fucking toddler instead of asking calmly for an explanation.
I'd be furious with Sarah and tell her she was an embarrassment and you expect an apology for her own misunderstanding and shit behavioir.

You have done nothing wrong and her behaviour is disgusting. Don’t go trying to make amends with her. She should be apologising to you. You’ve straightened out her misconception and she should be the one who is mortified.

If she isn’t then she is a dick and you don’t need her friendship.

Next time you have to cry too, and cry more. Most people are incredibly easy to manipulate and when faced with one screamer/crier and one calm non-crier the waterworks gets the sympathy. Then you don't apologize to the host and you don't leave first. Stop being friends with Sarah, obviously, she's a nut. You might not be able to avoid her from the sounds of it but you can keep a serious distance and be on your guard around her.

There's nothing you can do to fix any reputational damage she's done to your work life. You'll just have to be yourself and outlive it. And of course drop the actual story into conversation if you can ever manage to shoehorn it in.

Stop grovelling - if anyone mentions it at work just say that she completely misunderstood you and that you don't want to talk about it any further. And I would never speak to her again.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

No, Sarah isn’t an alcoholic. She doesn’t actually drink that much. I definitely don’t think she was drunk last night when it happened.

Yes, definitely find your anger.

How outrageous of her!

My friendship with Sarah would be over.
She sounds like an attention seeking drama llama who loves the role that being a 'victim' brings and relishes causing drama as long as she's the one getting sympathy.
You and others present know what the conversation was so I wouldn't engage any further with her.

If she genuinely believes you had said that about her she could have admonished you quite easily with her normal voice but alas those who are not quick witted or intelligent enough to put someone in their place with a couple of dry sentences, resort to bellowing and screaming in the hope of playing the victim so that everyone thinks you are horrid!

That kind of behaviour is more befitting of a chimpanzee who has had his banana stolen by another chimpanzee and is squawking and hollering to round up the others to attack!

Just leave it and don't bother with Sarah and her cankles ever again.

"but her reaction will be what people remember, not what she accused you of"

Absolutely this. Her behaviour was totally unacceptable.

As for what you do next - the most effective and dignified response is to do and say nothing.

Silence is very powerful. Unlike screaming which is a reaction not a response.

Seriously, you have nothing to worry about. It's Sarah who had shown herself up. No-one is going to believe her version of events, they're really not.

It's honestly best if you let it lie now. Don't bother the host with it any more, and don't bring it up with anyone unless they do.

I'm not underestimating how awful this feels for you. But it's one of those situations where the more you protest, the more you draw negative attention away from the person at fault.

Sarah sounds like a drama queen who likes being the centre of attention. Just ignore her. She sounds like an energy vampire

I'd be quite suspicious that she is a secret alcoholic tbh. The only people I know like that are total lushes. They put vodka in water though and pretend to be on soft drinks.

But find your anger. Don't let her be a victim. Insist on an apology (you won't get one) then cut her dead.

I think you've expended too much energy on this already what with all the talking explaining and messaging, don't know why Annie had to get all involved either.
She has made herself look ridiculous it's not on you, just shrug and move on.

Oh, and yes. Your friendship with Sarah needs to come to an end. If she wants to know why it has, you can be very clear that she humiliated you in front of colleagues, and refused to believe you. If she doesn't trust you to be honest, then she's not your friend.

It's her fault and her problem and she clearly has form for this.

There's no point trying to salvage the relationship with her, you'll only dig yourself further into a hole and honestly I couldn't deal with that much drama in a friendship so I think you're better off without her.

As far as what your wider social circle and your new colleagues will think: those who know "Sarah" will know the score immediately and realise it wasn't your fault. Other people will probably scratch their heads and maybe gossip about it but as long as it doesn't become a habit it will be forgotten about.

I work in a tight-knit office where many of us go back a decade or more. Every single person among the old guard has at one point or another had a "scene" of some sort: a public argument, an office snog, an embarrassingly drunken episode. It happens to the best of us and as long as it doesn't keep happening, people will cut you a bit of slack. No one is expected to be perfect all the time.

I would just get your head down, keep on keeping on and focus on doing your new job as well as you can. Chances are within a couple of months no one will remember it.

Okay thanks everyone. I was thinking of messaging Sarah but I won’t now.

I do appreciate Annie as she was the only one to ask if I was okay and to say she believed me. I’m going to leave it and try and get on with my weekend. It felt good to write it all out and get it off my chest. Thank you all.