Friend misconstrued what I said and screamed at me in front of lots of people

[UnIucky]

Apologies, I expect this is going to be long but I just need to get it all out. Not sure what I’m asking either.

I was attending a get together at a friends house last night. It was a mix of friends and people I also know professionally, including future colleagues at a new job I’m starting in a couple of weeks (small industry where everyone knows each other).

I was engaging in conversation with a group of them when the topic turned to celebrities and fashion which I have zero interest in. They started discussing plus size models and “cankles” (which I had never even heard of) at which point I decided to leave and get a drinks refill.

At the same time one of my long standing friends “Sarah” came up to the group and gave me a look that told me she wanted to join the conversation. Knowing she knew I hated all things celeb and fashion related I jokingly/slightly exasperatedly said “They’re talking about plus sized models and cankles. I think it’s my cue to get a refill”.

When I came out from refilling my drink Sarah stormed across the room towards me and started screaming at me. Everyone went completely silent and started watching us. I had no idea what was going on as she started yelling at me calling me all kinds of names under the sun.

Then it dawned on me she had misheard what I had said. She thought I said “talking of plus sized models and cankles” as she walked up to us. She assumed I was referring to her and that I had mockingly laughed at her as I left. She had then asked the other women to confirm what we had been talking about before confronting me (they say they didn’t hear our exchange at all).

I stayed very calm and tried to explain but she wouldn’t let me get a word in. She just kept screaming and telling me to shut my mouth. Eventually she broke down crying. Everyone rallied around her and started comforting her. I also was trying not to cry as nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I felt awful for her, upset she genuinely thought I’d say something like that and humiliated I’d been screamed at in front of so many people. I again tried to give my version of events but nobody really took notice. I tried to explain that:

1. I never said what she thought I said and never would;
2. I told them what I actually said;
3. Even if I had said it, it wouldn’t make any sense as she is tiny and very skinny. I on the other hand had surgery on my thyroid a few months ago and have put on nearly 3 dress sizes since so I am very sensitive about my weight. I’d never mock someone for their weight, ever.

Shortly thereafter I apologised to the host and left. One of mine and Sarah’s mutual friends “Annie” gave me a call and said she believed me and understood my version of events. Annie said she’d talk with Sarah to try and explain. She messaged me again this morning and has been very kind. She is still talking things over with Sarah. I’ve also messaged the host apologising again and gave a brief explanation of what actually happened.

I’ve got no idea what to do now. I feel so humiliated especially that some of my colleagues and future colleagues were there. What if they now think I’m some kind of nasty, shallow backstabber?

Sarah does have a bit of a reputation for being a hot head so her yelling isn’t really out of character but this was proper screaming (I’ve seen her get into a yelling match with her boyfriend in public a couple of times). It’s like we are teenagers in some kind of school drama.

What on earth can I do to salvage this situation?

She sounds unstable. If she is tiny and skinny as you describe her why on earth did she think plus size models and cankles were a reference to her anyway? It seems very odd. In the cold light of day people are bound to realise the ridiculousness of it, and realise she was in the wrong. If Sarah had been drinking she might be mortified about her outburst now she has sobered up. I wouldn’t worry about it too much unless you are challenged by it or you feel people are treating you differently as a result. You say you are starting a new job with some of the others soon. Could she be jealous of that and possibly was looking for a reason to show you up? Whatever the situation, she doesn’t seem much of a friend.

She’s bonkers and an attention seeking drama queen. She already has form for this kind of thing so I would give her a very wide berth (actually I’d freeze her out completely). You did nothing wrong so try and enjoy your weekend and put it behind you if you can.

I'd be angry and tell people you are - I found in life being reasonable and level headed often works against you - not how I was told the word works - and I wouldn't be nice about her either or forgiving as tends to get viewed as weak and if you take high ground their versions can get accepted.

I have encounter people like this in life and a few picked wrong time/topic to get nasty about and got an aggressive indignant loud response back which often took them back and I found they tend to back off quickly - water work may ensue and then loudly calling out manipulation of people around can work - but often they just back off quickly. Prior to this I tried your approach of reasonable never went well.

Is that you Sarah? Misconstruing again eh?

I don't think anybody will be focusing on you. I would remember the woman who lost it and screamed and had a meltdown at a grown up gathering, not the person who supposedly said something. That behaviour is crazy!

I've had a friend like this in the past. If Sarah genuinely considered you a friend, or valued your friendship, she would of asked you for clarification as she'd know it was out of character for you to say something like that, as opposed to yelling at you. Sounds like you'd be better off without her. No need to salvage anything honestly.

@willWillSmithsmith 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Urgh.

With things like this I think it best to consider who, if anyone, you owe an explanation. Do it calmly, then move on.

You could take the position that you did nothing wrong and do nothing, but as it was witnessed by mutual friends and work colleagues, a calm and measured explanation and apology for the disturbance related to it passed to host and key work colleagues would be sensible. It sounds like you've done that already.

Further explanation to the screamer isn't necessary as you already tried to do that and she chose to not hear it and behave in a completely unreasonable manner.

Now, move on.

If she's a hot head, people either know that already, or will know it soon enough. You just keep being you and don't get dragged into it.

Even if she thought you said that why did she wait before deciding to scream. Rather than talking to you like an adult. Clearly she has a few issues. I wouldn’t want to be her friend. She owes you an apology somehow I don’t think you will get it. I would be walking with my head raised high in a new job and stick to your explanation. No one has the right to scream like that.

"You say you are starting a new job with some of the others soon. Could she be jealous of that and possibly was looking for a reason to show you up?"

This may well be the root of the problem.

Ignore forever. Deafening silence is the way to go.

I wouldn't bother.

Tbh I don't think I'd be friends with someone who would fly off the handle so quickly and who'd think screaming at someone is an acceptable way to handle conflict. I'd go about your business with your head held high, you did nothing wrong and she massively overreacted. If your new colleagues bring it up then I'd set them straight but I wouldn't worry otherwise, you'll show them who you are when you start working with them anyway.

Agree with others, don't text her apologising. She misheard. Let it die down.

I was in a similar situation once, I told a Brazilian colleague who came in to work in high boots, a mini and a red fitted jumper ''wow you look like Uhura!''. You can guess what she thought I said. Boss asked me, why did you call xxxxx a whore. and the penny dropped. Ah so that's why half the office is giving me daggers.

This.

I hate it, HATE IT, when someone mishears then gaslights you trying to tell you "no, you DID say that, I HEARD you say that!", and you're like, "I. Didn't. Fucking. Say. That".

Exactly!

Can you read?

The only one who looks totally unhinged here is her. You’ve made it clear what happened. Her screaming and crying in public like that over something she thinks she heard but nobody else did and which has been explained to her as a clear misunderstanding on her part is absolutely unacceptable. She actually owes you the apology for making you the centre of massive hysterical drama in public when you actually did nothing wrong.

thats part of the issues when overhearing conversations and or not having the full context

People may have rallied around her as it’s a natural instinct but I bet they have lost a lot of respect for her and will be relieved you stayed calm and didn’t engage. They probably have more respect for you now.

She needs to be apologising to you and even then I’m not sure I’d be wanting to salvage the friendship due to the fact she has embarrassed you infront of future colleagues. Though I agree she’s really only embarrassed herself.

if she was a decent person and a friend she’d have known you wouldn’t say something like that and even if she thought she’d heard that she should be sort of laughing and asked “what did you just say”. Which is how most normal people would behave.

Maybe she has serious body image issues.

Honestly op she is the one who should be embarrassed, not you xx

Stop grovelling. Ditch (psycho) Sarah. Move on.

She sounds absolutely unhinged. I would have got up and walked out when she started her temper tantrum. Who the hell does she think she is behaving like that in public?