Friend misconstrued what I said and screamed at me in front of lots of people

[UnIucky]

Apologies, I expect this is going to be long but I just need to get it all out. Not sure what I’m asking either.

I was attending a get together at a friends house last night. It was a mix of friends and people I also know professionally, including future colleagues at a new job I’m starting in a couple of weeks (small industry where everyone knows each other).

I was engaging in conversation with a group of them when the topic turned to celebrities and fashion which I have zero interest in. They started discussing plus size models and “cankles” (which I had never even heard of) at which point I decided to leave and get a drinks refill.

At the same time one of my long standing friends “Sarah” came up to the group and gave me a look that told me she wanted to join the conversation. Knowing she knew I hated all things celeb and fashion related I jokingly/slightly exasperatedly said “They’re talking about plus sized models and cankles. I think it’s my cue to get a refill”.

When I came out from refilling my drink Sarah stormed across the room towards me and started screaming at me. Everyone went completely silent and started watching us. I had no idea what was going on as she started yelling at me calling me all kinds of names under the sun.

Then it dawned on me she had misheard what I had said. She thought I said “talking of plus sized models and cankles” as she walked up to us. She assumed I was referring to her and that I had mockingly laughed at her as I left. She had then asked the other women to confirm what we had been talking about before confronting me (they say they didn’t hear our exchange at all).

I stayed very calm and tried to explain but she wouldn’t let me get a word in. She just kept screaming and telling me to shut my mouth. Eventually she broke down crying. Everyone rallied around her and started comforting her. I also was trying not to cry as nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I felt awful for her, upset she genuinely thought I’d say something like that and humiliated I’d been screamed at in front of so many people. I again tried to give my version of events but nobody really took notice. I tried to explain that:

1. I never said what she thought I said and never would;
2. I told them what I actually said;
3. Even if I had said it, it wouldn’t make any sense as she is tiny and very skinny. I on the other hand had surgery on my thyroid a few months ago and have put on nearly 3 dress sizes since so I am very sensitive about my weight. I’d never mock someone for their weight, ever.

Shortly thereafter I apologised to the host and left. One of mine and Sarah’s mutual friends “Annie” gave me a call and said she believed me and understood my version of events. Annie said she’d talk with Sarah to try and explain. She messaged me again this morning and has been very kind. She is still talking things over with Sarah. I’ve also messaged the host apologising again and gave a brief explanation of what actually happened.

I’ve got no idea what to do now. I feel so humiliated especially that some of my colleagues and future colleagues were there. What if they now think I’m some kind of nasty, shallow backstabber?

Sarah does have a bit of a reputation for being a hot head so her yelling isn’t really out of character but this was proper screaming (I’ve seen her get into a yelling match with her boyfriend in public a couple of times). It’s like we are teenagers in some kind of school drama.

What on earth can I do to salvage this situation?

Leave her to it OP. It was a misunderstanding by Sarah, but your friend sounds dramatic and screaming at you in front of other people, isn't on. You haven't done anything wrong but I would definitely keep her at arms length and don't message her. Enjoy your weekend.

Yeah I think the vibe is this woman completely indulged herself in an opportunity to tear someone to pieces, for no good reason, because she cannot regulate her own emotions at all. Poor OP!

You don't been to worry or feel embarrassed, it's your friend who has behaved appallingly and made herself look ridiculous , frankly she sounds unhinged.
Even if she thought you had said this,most normal folk would have it out quietly and say how much they were hurt ,not create a scene in front of your work colleagues ,which is spiteful.
Are you sure she was mistaken and not deliberately trying to cause trouble? Her behaviour does sound a tad controlling and attention seeking.
She was massively rude to the hostess and I wouldn't be inviting her back, extremely immature behaviour at vest.
You are the one deserving an apology for the scene she caused and after telling her this, I would cut her off till she apologised to you and the hostess.

Don’t worry, all that your future colleagues will be thinking is to make sure Sarah will never become their future colleague.

@UnIucky In my experience, the innocent often cover for the guilty.
There are people - maybe not many, but there are - to whom Sarah is compliant and wouldn't dare raise her voice. It may be the CEO, it could be grandma, but there will be people she respects and doesn't want to upset. Sadly, you're not one of them. Ignore her, no good will ever come from trying to appease her.

She sounds tiresome. Id keep distance. Nobody would think you said what she thought

Especially if she's skinny

This! You’re the one who is due an apology here! Time to stop apologising and start getting angry at how you were treated! That’s awful!

You can't do anything. What happened is what happened. Sarah is not your friend. She has no right to speak to people like that. She should have approached you privately first.

As others have said. Don't message her. She'll only put a negative spin on it. Best ignored.

She should be apologising to you.

I used to flat share with a Sarah. After one too many brattish outbursts I left the flat and ghosted her. There would have been no point in explaining why to her. She was always right in her eyes.

It sounds as if it would help you to do something. A note to the host thanking them for the event and saying that you are sorry that something you said was misinterpreted, and expressing the hope that this did not mar the evening. And saying how lovely the event apart from that. It can't hurt to be seen as the person with immaculate manners!

I wouldn't message her.
If anyone else mentions the incident just say
Well, we never know what's going on in other people's lives do we?
That way you're showing concern and implying that Sarah is the person with the problem not you.

I suspect a lot of the people there know what Sarah is like and/or were unimpressed by her suddenly screaming and yelling at another guest rather than acting like a grown up and raising her issues quietly or waiting to do so at another time. Spoiling the host's social event like this is really incredibly bad manners.

Don't worry about other people's reactions.

Nothing as it’s not your problem, it’s Sarah’s problem.

This.

Plus although you felt embarrassed. No one really wants to be in the presence of that kind of negative energy.
People were being kind because they thought she was having some sort of breakdown.
The hostess understands and as she knows the guests, if its mentioned she will put them straight.

At first I thought yes, message and put her straight but on reflection Sarah is the type who will spin everything to her advantage "She sent me a really passive aggressive message under the cover of an insincere apology".
And really she deserves no message. Her behaviour was so outrageous.
Ignore her and never mention her.
If someone brings it up, don't pass over it but defend yourself briefly, calmly. "She misheard/misconstrued what I said and I was really shocked at her behaviour and accusations which are completely untrue."

Also, reflect on this. The people that know you will, like the hostess, already know that you are not the kind of person to say such things and deliberately offend someone at a party which would cause a reaction like Sarahs. They will all assume, as I would if I'd seen it, that there's something about Sarah that triggered it and not you.
I would have assumed that she was "on" something to exhibit over-the-top aggressive behaviour like that. Especially as people would have heard you attempting to explain and apologise.
Sarah is an attention-seeking nightmare and people who know her will already have picked up some of those vibes, even if it wasn't as extreme as the party event.

I’d ignore the bitch for life.

Never apologise

Never explain

Even if she tries to talk to you now, be icy cold and ignore the twat.

If there's any further comeback from Sarah, tell her you are waiting for her apology and you expect her to apologise and explain to the host and the other guests.

But on the whole if I were you I would aim to cut her out of my life from now on.

If she's already got a reputation for doing this sort of stuff no one is going to take any notice... keep your head high and and don't give it any more airtime ..

Well she embarrassed herself, didn't she? 😂

Sarah sounds toxic and someone you need to cut out of your life tbh

Btw what is a cancle? 🤔

Cankle" (a combination of "calf" and "ankle") is a nonmedical term that describes the appearance of the calf and ankle being one unit instead of clearly defined. Cankles that are your natural appearance are normal, pose no danger, and don't need to be treated.

I think you need to leave it.
Since she is thin no one is going to think you were insulting her weight - your version makes more logical sense. People will come to the conclusion she is a nut job. They just need time to process. You need to leave it because if you don’t you will make yourself look guilty.

Why did you feel the need to bitch about plus size people?

It’s like we are teenagers in some kind of school drama.

Youve hit the nail on the head. She’s a drama queen who’s never grown out of school mode.

Fucking hell, this place. OP left the convo to escape the bitching, she wasn’t bitching.