Friend misconstrued what I said and screamed at me in front of lots of people

[UnIucky]

Apologies, I expect this is going to be long but I just need to get it all out. Not sure what I’m asking either.

I was attending a get together at a friends house last night. It was a mix of friends and people I also know professionally, including future colleagues at a new job I’m starting in a couple of weeks (small industry where everyone knows each other).

I was engaging in conversation with a group of them when the topic turned to celebrities and fashion which I have zero interest in. They started discussing plus size models and “cankles” (which I had never even heard of) at which point I decided to leave and get a drinks refill.

At the same time one of my long standing friends “Sarah” came up to the group and gave me a look that told me she wanted to join the conversation. Knowing she knew I hated all things celeb and fashion related I jokingly/slightly exasperatedly said “They’re talking about plus sized models and cankles. I think it’s my cue to get a refill”.

When I came out from refilling my drink Sarah stormed across the room towards me and started screaming at me. Everyone went completely silent and started watching us. I had no idea what was going on as she started yelling at me calling me all kinds of names under the sun.

Then it dawned on me she had misheard what I had said. She thought I said “talking of plus sized models and cankles” as she walked up to us. She assumed I was referring to her and that I had mockingly laughed at her as I left. She had then asked the other women to confirm what we had been talking about before confronting me (they say they didn’t hear our exchange at all).

I stayed very calm and tried to explain but she wouldn’t let me get a word in. She just kept screaming and telling me to shut my mouth. Eventually she broke down crying. Everyone rallied around her and started comforting her. I also was trying not to cry as nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I felt awful for her, upset she genuinely thought I’d say something like that and humiliated I’d been screamed at in front of so many people. I again tried to give my version of events but nobody really took notice. I tried to explain that:

1. I never said what she thought I said and never would;
2. I told them what I actually said;
3. Even if I had said it, it wouldn’t make any sense as she is tiny and very skinny. I on the other hand had surgery on my thyroid a few months ago and have put on nearly 3 dress sizes since so I am very sensitive about my weight. I’d never mock someone for their weight, ever.

Shortly thereafter I apologised to the host and left. One of mine and Sarah’s mutual friends “Annie” gave me a call and said she believed me and understood my version of events. Annie said she’d talk with Sarah to try and explain. She messaged me again this morning and has been very kind. She is still talking things over with Sarah. I’ve also messaged the host apologising again and gave a brief explanation of what actually happened.

I’ve got no idea what to do now. I feel so humiliated especially that some of my colleagues and future colleagues were there. What if they now think I’m some kind of nasty, shallow backstabber?

Sarah does have a bit of a reputation for being a hot head so her yelling isn’t really out of character but this was proper screaming (I’ve seen her get into a yelling match with her boyfriend in public a couple of times). It’s like we are teenagers in some kind of school drama.

What on earth can I do to salvage this situation?

Yeah it will be all 'oh my god, did you see the way Sarah went mental last night? What a weirdo!' rather than anyone thinking anything bad about you.

How horrible though, no wonder you were upset but I'd leave it now. You've explained to the host and Sarah either feels really silly now and will apologise or is, actually, a weirdo. In which case I'd avoid her from now on. You've done nothing wrong.

You’re overthinking this. Stop apologising. Your “friend” is clearly a me-me-me person and she’s embarrassed herself.
Like pp’s have suggested, I’d be distancing myself from her from now on. She sounds exhausting.

*To add to this: I’m willing to bet a lot of the people comforting her had been drinking and didn’t really grasp the situation - just saw an upset person and reacted to that. Their sympathies will shift once they understand the context.

She sounds utterly bonkers, and I assure that other people at the party would be thinking much worse of her than you. They were probably flapping around her to try and shut her up because its frankly a bit embarrassing when someone kicks off like that in a social setting for no reason whatsoever.

And I bet she is a drinker as well.

Bloody hell, you poor thing.

However, this woman will have come across as a complete lunatic. Most people will assume she was drunk.

The only thing you can do is put it out of your mind. It isn’t ‘your’ incident - you weren’t the one shouting. People will associate it with her, not you, so don’t talk about it or do anything to change that association.

Withdraw from this woman now. Don’t dramatically block her as you obviously have a shared social circle, but withdraw to distant acquaintances.

Okay thanks everyone. I was thinking of messaging Sarah but I won’t now.

Thank goodness! Never send a message to the culprit in such a situation. They'll spin it and show it to everyone, attributing entirely different tone and intent to it.

I can't stress this enough. Never, never NEVER put anything into a text in this kind of situation. It can only ever inflame things, and be shared with everyone and their dogs. It's a lesson for every single mumsnetter.

OP, how awful, I feel for you, but this is what happens when you associate with rough, common people, whom have no idea how to conduct themselves.

Stop apologising for doing nothing wrong.

Disassociate yourself from her completely and NEVER have anything further to do with her again.

Learn from this.

You knew that she was like this and continued to socialise with her.

Anyone mentions it you say she misheard and misconstrued an innocent comment and you have no idea why she CHOSE to cause such a scene.

Raise your bar, because people DO judge the company you keep.

No definitively not - no more one to one contact with her.

No one will think it had anything to do with you, it’s just an embarrassing situation no one wants to get involved in.

It’s nice of Annie to reassure you but drop the conversation with her now too. Don’t be needy, you are in the right, just walk away with dignity.

It’s a hard one because it depends on what the optics looked like to witnesses.

it’s natural to comfort anyone who is crying regardless of why they’re crying, but especially if they say they’re upset due to someone saying something horrible to them.

it’s natural for onlookers to feel neutral towards you whilst they figure out WTF is going on, it’s a bewildering situation for everyone. Especially for people who barely know you

I think it ultimately boils down to a misunderstanding and her overreacting. If you know she’s a hot head, you should already know to walk on eggshells not to poke the beast, so maybe it’s time to rethink your friendship with her. I personally am not friends with any hot heads or dramatic people- as soon as I get a hint of that behaviour from an acquaintance I distance myself and don’t become friends.

I wouldn’t bother with her again. You have done nothing wrong and she sounds like one of those tedious attention seekers.

She humiliated herself, NOT you.

She made a holy drunken show of herself in public and you have no wish to be associated with such awful behaviour.

THAT is why you are no longer friends.

This is not your mess to sort out. Sarah is completely out of order and SHE is the one that should be ringing round and apologising.

Keep your head held high and don't engage. If anyone asks you about it. Keep it factual and simply explain what happened and that you can only presume she misheard you.

It will blow over and I completely get why you're upset, but don't start thinking this is your fault, because it's not and it's Sarah that should be feeling ashamed

Sarah behaved like a deregulated five year old. As an adult, it’s truly unforgivable and she should be apologising sincerely to you - but she won’t, of course.

Ignore her and keep up your relationships with everyone else.

Not the popular opinion but I would message Sarah for the sake of closure. Then i would end the friendship.

Hi Sarah,
I wanted to set the record straight because the way you spoke to me yesterday was absolutely unacceptable and unwarranted. When I spoke to you, I told you that the group were talking about celebrities. I in no way referenced anything about your appearance or mentioned anything to do with you at all. Had you addressed me calmly, I could have explained this but instead you screamed at me in the most humiliating and degrading way, simply for telling you what the others were talking about. Your behaviour was aggressive, juvenile and unnecessary. If in future you mishear someone, I suggest you calmly ask for clarity before creating a scene and embarrassing yourself as you did yesterday.

Send

Friendship over

Rather than feeling bad and worrying about what you need to do, I would be absolutely furious. I wouldn't want to talk to her again, definitely not if she doesn't apologise. She screamed at you in front of your friends and colleagues because of her own error.
Its absolutely ridiculous, immature behaviour from someone who seems to have no self control at all.
If she is skinny why on earth did she jump to that conclusion anyway?
And as for worrying about what your future colleagues think, if she was screaming and you weren't, I'd imagine they think she's got a screw loose and not give that much thought to it.

She sounds unhinged. Or it’s possible she had severe body issues/an eating disorder. Everyone would be able to see that that wasn’t a normal reaction from someone. I’d just leave it. no matter what you say she doesn’t want to hear it.

Do nothing as far as Sarah is concerned. You didn't do anything wrong.

You could message the host if you wanted to.

Say thank you to Annie for her assistance.

Avoid being in a social situation with Sarah in the future.

Be prepared that new colleagues might want to know what that was all about. Work out a reply that shows you did nothing wrong, but is not overly critical about Sarah. Be careful not to accidentally poke the hornets nest.

Move on.

Anyone with half a brain will have seen who was in the wrong here. Ditch her.

She is a drama llama.

Be kind to yourself this weekend and leave her to it. Since your mutual friend has explained, really the llama ought to be apologising to you 😕 but she probably won't.

If I witnessed this as a bystander (eg your new colleagues) I would make assumptions about the screaming person - that they had drunk too much and clearly had some issues - rather than you.

Professionally and calmly. Let her calm down. It’s always awkward when people misunderstand things. In the past I’ve

1. pretended it didn’t happen if it wasn’t that serious
2. got a little harder to contact
3. kept it 100% professional after.

I had a couple of situations where I’ve heard people slagging me off badly. For one I found it funny, for another 2 and 3.

Hopefully it will all blow over soon.

Time to walk away. Who needs that sort of drama in their lives. Bet she’s loving all the trying to salvage the friendship. It’ll only happen again once she knows she’s got one over on you. Let her crack on. If she can blow up like that over fuck all she probs doesn’t like you much anyway

@Softsoftsleep The reason why this is unpopular is because people will find a way to paint themselves as the victim and discredit you. The situation will then turn into OP “sending a nasty message” which made “Sarah have a panic attack” or “Sarah cry and now Sarah feels she’s being bullied”. She will say anything to deflect blame - it’s a sink or swim moment for her to save face.

your problem is that you’re assuming Sarah is rational minded enough to understand what you’re saying at face value and realise she’s in the wrong…she won’t

You're probably right.
My period is due 😀

I would also message Sarah, unlike everyone else here, but not as detailed as the poster above.

"Sarah, I was sorry to see you so upset last night over a complete misunderstanding. I want to reiterate that I said nothing about you that was derogatory or negative. I said nothing about you at all! To be honest, I am horrified that you think so little of me as to jump to conclusions over what you thought you heard. In any case I feel that your reaction was totally uncalled for. I was not allowed to clarify or explain. This is not how sensible adults behave, is it?

Take care and I hope you get the help you seem to need."

Don’t message her. That well-written message by @Softsoftsleep might be good for a rational person but she’s not rational is she? Hold your head high and if anyone asks about it, have something prepared but not a highly detailed explanation…more of a shrugging it off. Maybe a “think she must have had too much to drink…I’m staying far away from her from now on”