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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband fed me a food he knows I have never eaten and never willingly will

1000 replies

Anon39 · 07/10/2023 10:22

I came back from taking our son to training and as I walked back in my husband asked me if I wanted a sausage sandwich I immediately said yes

started eating it and he said do you know what those sausage are? And I replied in the negative and he started to chuckle and said “do you like it?” So my hackles were up I stopped eating and asked for the package of sausage

he started getting defensive and I just knew it was black pudding (which I do not eat and have never eaten and he knows how I feel I have no feelings if you do eat it and that’s not the point of my post)

I found the package and it was black pudding sausage I was so upset he knew I would never have willingly eaten black pudding. I feel so betrayed and I’ve ended up crying and he has basically told me to grow up and stop being so dramatic he can’t understand why I’m so upset

it’s not really about the food it’s about the breaking my trust I would never think to question him about what type of sausage they were because I trusted him

not to drip feed I am Autistic so I am aware I have issues around food

yes you’re being unreasonable and should have checked (after 20 years of marriage)
no - your partner deliberately betrayed your trust

OP posts:
panelbottle · 07/10/2023 10:58

He laughed at her and then when he realised she was upset treated her with contempt. I don't know if you understand what that means but it usually signals the end of any romantic feelings or respect.
You don't treat people you supposedly love this way.

I just really don't think it's that deep 🤷🏻‍♀️

TravellingT · 07/10/2023 10:58

This is awful, he's playing with your feelings and deceiving you. Some people won't 'get' it, that's fine. But him hiding the truth isn't on

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 10:58

itsallforyouandmee · 07/10/2023 10:53

Glad I'm not the only one. I think YABU. It was a obviously a joke and he didn't mean to upset you

Show quote history

But once he knew OP was upset he was telling her to grow up and stop being dramatic. That's the action of an arsehole, not a considerate husband.

In any event, how could he live with her for 20 years and NOT know this would upset her? The sly questions about her whether she knew what it was made it clear he knew perfectly well.

AgentJohnson · 07/10/2023 10:58

@roarrfeckingroar The OP mentioned her autism in the her post, which means it wasn’t a drip feed!

I am not autistic but there are some foods I have no interest in eating, black pudding being one of them. He deliberately crossed a boundary and to add insult to injury, he revelled in it. He doesn’t get to set your boundaries.

I suspect he’s been an arsehole in other areas and you may have doubted it because of your autism. I would never eat anything this man had prepared for me ever again.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/10/2023 10:58

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 10:56

For an autistic person, this is simply a totally irrelevant question.

Perhaps the DH doesn't understand this though?

He has been with her for 20 years. What other ways are you going to try and defend his appalling behaviour?

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 10:58

@theduchessofspork and? the op hasn't said it happens often

Original poster
Anon39 · 07/10/2023 11:00

Thank you he is trying to gaslight me I think now saying it’s just flavouring etc but that’s not the point for me, he knows my boundaries about trust and this has been one of the cruelest things he has ever done.

ive started rage cleaning upstairs and he is downstairs texting me but I’ve muted him as I don’t trust my emotions at the minute to talk coherently. When I’ve got my thoughts in order we will be having a huge discussion (I don’t cook in our house my division of labour / chores is cleaning / laundry etc) and because of this I feel worried about what else he might do to my food

but thank you for giving me clarity

OP posts:
CorylusAgain · 07/10/2023 11:00

itsallforyouandmee · 07/10/2023 10:53

Glad I'm not the only one. I think YABU. It was a obviously a joke and he didn't mean to upset you

Show quote history

It's not his decision what she chooses to eat.
OP has issues relating to food. He doesn't get to override her choices. The taste is irrelevant.

Passepartoute · 07/10/2023 11:00

theduchessofspork · 07/10/2023 10:56

He was being a twat, mocking your partner is not cool.

Does he normally take pleasure in upsetting you- I think this is the key thing, because obviously pork is pork - so (while appreciating you are autistic and have issues around food), if it was one off idiocy, it’s not in a level of tricking a vegetarian into eating meat.

You do know that this is not just the difference between different types of pork, don't you? I eat pork, I find black pudding fairly revolting - which may be illogical, but it's a perfectly valid response.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:01

What other ways are you going to try and defend his appalling behaviour?

This is batshit 😆. I said it was a dick
move but just didn't consider it something to divorce over.

And yes after 20 yrs the DH may hate his wife & fallen out of love with her & regard her with contempt etc etc or just maybe he misjudged the situation & thought it wasn't that big a deal...

UnsolicitedOpinions · 07/10/2023 11:01

RandomButtons · 07/10/2023 10:33

It’s not comparable tbh. People don’t like gooseberries, but it’s not the same thing.

Its more comparable to feeding a vegan meat.

Show quote history

No it isn’t- the blood for the black pudding could literally have been a waste product from the same pig the OP is happy to have been killed to make a sausage that she WOULD have been happy to eat.

It’s not principles, it’s just squeamishness.

Yikes101 · 07/10/2023 11:01

So many threads on here about hiding vegetables in their children’s meals, which is exactly the same thing imo.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:02

You do know that this is not just the difference between different types of pork, don't you? I eat pork, I find black pudding fairly revolting - which may be illogical, but it's a perfectly valid response.

But other people won't necessarily see the difference hence why that poster said it isn't the same as given a vegetarian meat.

CorylusAgain · 07/10/2023 11:02

roarrfeckingroar · 07/10/2023 10:35

Ah. Big drip feed.

It's in the OP FFS

TomatoSandwiches · 07/10/2023 11:02

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 10:58

He laughed at her and then when he realised she was upset treated her with contempt. I don't know if you understand what that means but it usually signals the end of any romantic feelings or respect.
You don't treat people you supposedly love this way.

I just really don't think it's that deep 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you love and care about your wife and thought this would be funny and then discover she's actually upset about the " joke " ( it wasn't a joke ) then you would feel bad about upsetting her and try to correct that with an apology.
He didn't do this, he hot angry at her for a normal response at being betrayed and told her to grow up.
This is not the way a loving husband treats his wife.
It is that deep and simple, his reaction is indicative to how he sees her, which is with contempt.

ttcat37 · 07/10/2023 11:02

Depends why you don’t usually eat it. If it’s a religious/ moral reason then yes it’s dickish. But if it’s a case of you saying “I don’t like black pudding” without trying it then you’re being a massive baby

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:02

So many threads on here about hiding vegetables in their children’s meals, which is exactly the same thing imo.

I do this

SurpriseItsMeHorseyNeighNeigh · 07/10/2023 11:03

There is something so sick about forcing people to eat something they don't want to eat, whether they have a valid reason or not. It actually makes me angry to read what he did.

It's like saying "why cares if I pissed in your food, you could not even taste it".

That's a vile power move and a breach of trust I would have a hard time getting over.

smilesup · 07/10/2023 11:03

roarrfeckingroar · 07/10/2023 10:35

Ah. Big drip feed.

No drip feed it's in the first post!

PandaExpress · 07/10/2023 11:03

It's a bit shitty, but after 20 years together, it's not marriage breaking event.
If you were not a meat eater and he fed you meat, I'd get the outrage. Its a bit hard to be outraged over this one though. You're happy to eat sausage, so I don't get it.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:03

He didn't do this, he hot angry at her for a normal response at being betrayed and told her to grow up.

because she was crying...

eddiemairswife · 07/10/2023 11:03

More to the point; did you enjoy it?

SurpriseItsMeHorseyNeighNeigh · 07/10/2023 11:04

ttcat37 · 07/10/2023 11:02

Depends why you don’t usually eat it. If it’s a religious/ moral reason then yes it’s dickish. But if it’s a case of you saying “I don’t like black pudding” without trying it then you’re being a massive baby

No means no. OP doesn't have to give anyone any fucking reason for not wanting to put black pudding in her own mouth.

Why would anyone fucking care to the point of tricking her to eat it.

QuickDraining · 07/10/2023 11:04

I've had this sort of shit pulled. Been vegan for years, and have knowingly after the fact discovered people have cooked with butter, slipped in an egg and that sort of crap. Even the guys at the burger place chuckled to themselves that the veggie burgers were fried in the meat fat. It's just crap.

But I've also seen parents doing this, dressing food up as something different. And people are okay with that.

To me it sounds like he's being a dick. But there's also part of me that thinks it's a good idea to challenge some ideas, and to be surprised. Tastes can be acquired through positive association and positive reinforcement. Other foods are addictive.

Having said that having an autistic partner, I know this is definite red line.

panelbottle · 07/10/2023 11:04

Betrayal, contempt, these are big words. We are talking about sausages

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