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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher said My child….

299 replies

Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 20:26

So background of this is my son is sen and because of this he has access to a fidget spinner and a time out card to manage his day.

He became upset before bed last night and told me a teaching assistant had come up to him at school saying why did he have it and that he wasn’t allowed to use it. My son despite being under 8 is really good at expressing what he needs and informed her why he was using it ( he was feeling sad and frustrated and this calmed him)

This provision was agreed by the senco in writing and put into place last year. When I heard this I emailed in to remind them about the agreement and that any staff should know about his needs even at the minimum level

the teacher responded via email praising how fantastic the teaching assistant was ( I never questioned her abilities just relayed what was said to me ) and then proceeded to tell me he was told to put it away as ‘ he was using it to hit other children ‘

now and no I don’t think my child has sunshine radiating from him but I know him and he’s never ever done this to any child ever either inside or outside of school and I challenged this .

long story short I asked senco to step in and get to the bottom of it. Two children were spoken too about it and one confirmed my son hadn’t touched him and the other child said he had no clue what they were talking about. They then emailed me to say that my son ‘ was jabbing forward’ at some peers ( the same that confirmed the above)

i asked them if this actually took place that my son was taking a object and hitting children with it whether he’s sen or not it wouldn’t be okay and as a parent should I have not been called to be told so I could help facilitate it not happening again? I received no response to that

second of all the teacher put in writing alongside a lecture on the safe usage of a fidget tool that the reason he was told to put his managing aid away was ‘ because he was using it to hit other children ‘ I’m sorry but jabbing forward and hitting are very very different ( jabbing is still not okay but no physical contact was made )

when I asked my son this he obviously was upset and denied hitting anyone and he was telling the truth.

I really feel the teacher over stepped her mark in informing me of something that is serious but wasn’t actually true

was I unreasonable in the fact I emailed back the senco and copied the same teacher in quoting both of their feedbacks where it clearly shows my son never hit anyone and as a teacher they should be careful and clear when making allegations about any child including mine ?

OP posts:
RaeHitsEbSire · 06/10/2023 20:28

YANBU

Soontobe60 · 06/10/2023 20:35

Why do you think the SENCo would be lying? If you can categorically claim that something has never happened even though you’re not there, then I think you’ve got a problem.
Children lie. Lots. Especially to get out of trouble. That doesn’t mean they’re bad children.
If I were the class teacher or SENCo I’d be removing the toy and giving your DS a small piece of Blutac to fidget with.

Soontobe60 · 06/10/2023 20:36

Oh, and if I saw a child attempting to hit another child with a toy, I’d remove that toy straight away.

exchonnet · 06/10/2023 20:39

OP my child doesn't have SEN but when he was at the start of year 1 I received a call where the teacher, with great emphasis said my child had gone to the toilet without permission and "kicked another boy viciously between the legs".

Once home I questioned my son who was upset and admitted he'd gone to the toilet without asking (so there were more kids in the loo than there should have been) but another boy followed him in and pushed him into the boy who said he'd been kicked.

Having spoken to a couple of parents whose boys were also in the loo, I wrote to the school to clarify a few things. I was also unhappy at the dramatic tone.

The school replied a few days later to confirm that having spoken to the kids in question, my son had been pushed into the other boy.

I already had misgivings on the basis the school wrote to all parents at the start of year 1 to say the class didn't know the key words that they should do. Nothing had ever been sent home in reception year about learning these words.

I changed schools

WandaWonder · 06/10/2023 20:39

How do you know it wasn't true? You were not there?

UndertheCedartree · 06/10/2023 20:42

Soontobe60 · 06/10/2023 20:35

Why do you think the SENCo would be lying? If you can categorically claim that something has never happened even though you’re not there, then I think you’ve got a problem.
Children lie. Lots. Especially to get out of trouble. That doesn’t mean they’re bad children.
If I were the class teacher or SENCo I’d be removing the toy and giving your DS a small piece of Blutac to fidget with.

A small piece of blu-tac? That's hardly going to give the same sensory feedback??

Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 20:43

To clarify - the teacher emailed me stating ‘ ___ was hitting other children with it so it was removed ‘

both kids said they weren’t touched

they then changed this to ‘ was jabbing forward with it ‘

jabbing and hitting is two very different things

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 20:45

I don’t think the senco is lying . The teacher is . She emailed me saying my child was hitting other children . He didn’t hit anyone

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 06/10/2023 20:46

I'd be really upset about this too. The teacher has lied about him hitting children and doesn't want to let it go.

What do they mean by jabbing? Did your son say he was doing that? But the provision of using the fidget spinner should not be removed without a meeting with you, the teacher and Senco to adjust his plan.

QuietDragon · 06/10/2023 20:47

Your son was dicking around with the fidget spinner and told to put it away.

That's what happened, accept it and move on.

Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 20:51

UndertheCedartree · 06/10/2023 20:46

I'd be really upset about this too. The teacher has lied about him hitting children and doesn't want to let it go.

What do they mean by jabbing? Did your son say he was doing that? But the provision of using the fidget spinner should not be removed without a meeting with you, the teacher and Senco to adjust his plan.

No my son never said that that’s what they came back with when I challenged the initial email saying he had hit children. They have confirmed no physical contact was made ( after telling me my child has hit other children ) good point about the removal of his managing aid…

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 20:52

WandaWonder · 06/10/2023 20:39

How do you know it wasn't true? You were not there?

Because they changed their story in email. With zero apology for wrongly saying my son was hitting other children when in fact he wasn’t

OP posts:
CakeInAJar · 06/10/2023 20:54

Fucking hell OP that’s awful

I honestly think some people make it their mission in life to make the world as tough for SEN children as they can.

Those people should not be in teaching.

makingforwardprogress · 06/10/2023 20:56

Your child was being disruptive and threatening with his toy, so he loses it, what is there to discuss?

Sounds like he probably was hitting, if the teacher says so, but the other children don't want to rat on him. If he wasn't it wasn't for lack of trying!

CakeInAJar · 06/10/2023 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dacadactyl · 06/10/2023 21:00

I think that teachers are only human.

Perhaps the feeling was that your son (when jabbing forward) was attempting to hit other children with his fidget spinner. They were there are felt that his intention was to hit others with it. Perhaps that's why they stated he was hitting, because he was lashing out.

Changethetoner · 06/10/2023 21:03

Presumably he was using the fidget spinner because he was feeling disregulated in some way. So is it not possible he was agitated and tried to hit another child?

JustAMinutePleass · 06/10/2023 21:05

Seems like the teacher is lying. I would 100% carry this forward - complain to both the headteacher and the governors about the lying so it’s on record. That way if another parent complains they will begin to get a true picture.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/10/2023 21:09

If your child was jabbing there was a danger a child would be hit. A teacher cannot wait until something actually happens as they have to ward off danger. Teachers have to react in that moment to what they see happening right there. Your child might not have even been aware he was jabbing it or how near he was to hitting someone. I think you are sending in too many emails and getting into a big confrontation with a teacher who is going to be dealing with your child all year. It's far too intense..in my books..as a teacher of 40 years with a huge interest in making provision for special needs children.

Snowinjulyy · 06/10/2023 21:10

If he wanted to hurt another child with the toy he could have hurt another child with the toy. Sounds like that didn't happen and he might have been engaging in sensory behaviour that the TA misinterpreted.
His new teacher's won't really understand him yet as they've only had him a few weeks. In my experience (my child also has sen) these things happen at the start of the school year and then after a term there is much more understanding in place.

Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:11

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:12

junebirthdaygirl · 06/10/2023 21:09

If your child was jabbing there was a danger a child would be hit. A teacher cannot wait until something actually happens as they have to ward off danger. Teachers have to react in that moment to what they see happening right there. Your child might not have even been aware he was jabbing it or how near he was to hitting someone. I think you are sending in too many emails and getting into a big confrontation with a teacher who is going to be dealing with your child all year. It's far too intense..in my books..as a teacher of 40 years with a huge interest in making provision for special needs children.

Thanks, jabbing and removing it because he might have hurt someone isn’t the same as emailing a parent factually telling them he had hit other children though is it ?

OP posts:
boylene · 06/10/2023 21:13

Why would the teacher lie? What would be the benefit? The TA had told the teacher that's what they saw, and then the teacher relayed this back to you. They may have used different language when explaining it another time, but it doesn't mean they're lying.

Personally, I would have just reminded the child how to behave with the spinner rather than take it away straight away, but I really don't think there was any Ma lace involved.

Honestly, teachers and TAs are not out to get children, most of the time, they're just trying their best and sometimes don't get things quite right.

Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:14

Changethetoner · 06/10/2023 21:03

Presumably he was using the fidget spinner because he was feeling disregulated in some way. So is it not possible he was agitated and tried to hit another child?

Possibly . Like I said I don’t think he’s perfect just because he’s my child BUT my issue is why email me stating factually he had hit other children when in fact no physical contact was made .

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:16

boylene · 06/10/2023 21:13

Why would the teacher lie? What would be the benefit? The TA had told the teacher that's what they saw, and then the teacher relayed this back to you. They may have used different language when explaining it another time, but it doesn't mean they're lying.

Personally, I would have just reminded the child how to behave with the spinner rather than take it away straight away, but I really don't think there was any Ma lace involved.

Honestly, teachers and TAs are not out to get children, most of the time, they're just trying their best and sometimes don't get things quite right.

I agree . I don’t think it’s malice or they are out to get my child it seems a over reaction to state in writing that he was hitting children and then back track on that when I asked if this happened then it’s quite serious so why not call home ? It then changed to jabbing forward … seems a reach

OP posts:
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