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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teacher said My child….

299 replies

Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 20:26

So background of this is my son is sen and because of this he has access to a fidget spinner and a time out card to manage his day.

He became upset before bed last night and told me a teaching assistant had come up to him at school saying why did he have it and that he wasn’t allowed to use it. My son despite being under 8 is really good at expressing what he needs and informed her why he was using it ( he was feeling sad and frustrated and this calmed him)

This provision was agreed by the senco in writing and put into place last year. When I heard this I emailed in to remind them about the agreement and that any staff should know about his needs even at the minimum level

the teacher responded via email praising how fantastic the teaching assistant was ( I never questioned her abilities just relayed what was said to me ) and then proceeded to tell me he was told to put it away as ‘ he was using it to hit other children ‘

now and no I don’t think my child has sunshine radiating from him but I know him and he’s never ever done this to any child ever either inside or outside of school and I challenged this .

long story short I asked senco to step in and get to the bottom of it. Two children were spoken too about it and one confirmed my son hadn’t touched him and the other child said he had no clue what they were talking about. They then emailed me to say that my son ‘ was jabbing forward’ at some peers ( the same that confirmed the above)

i asked them if this actually took place that my son was taking a object and hitting children with it whether he’s sen or not it wouldn’t be okay and as a parent should I have not been called to be told so I could help facilitate it not happening again? I received no response to that

second of all the teacher put in writing alongside a lecture on the safe usage of a fidget tool that the reason he was told to put his managing aid away was ‘ because he was using it to hit other children ‘ I’m sorry but jabbing forward and hitting are very very different ( jabbing is still not okay but no physical contact was made )

when I asked my son this he obviously was upset and denied hitting anyone and he was telling the truth.

I really feel the teacher over stepped her mark in informing me of something that is serious but wasn’t actually true

was I unreasonable in the fact I emailed back the senco and copied the same teacher in quoting both of their feedbacks where it clearly shows my son never hit anyone and as a teacher they should be careful and clear when making allegations about any child including mine ?

OP posts:
Redmat · 06/10/2023 21:16

He was obviously doing something he shouldn't be doing with his fidget spinner.
You've reminded the school that they said he can have one. Now move on and tell him that his fidget toys are not to be used to annoy other chdren.

Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:17

This reply has been deleted

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Thank you lovely for the warning ! X

OP posts:
cansu · 06/10/2023 21:18

What is the difference between me hitting you with the point of my pen and jabbing you with the point of my pen? None really. He did something dangerous and unkind with his fidget toy so was asked to put it away. End of story really. Yes you were unreasonable to make an international investigation for a simple matter of classroom management. As for expecting a call to inform you of this, if teachers phoned parents about every small classroom issue they would not have time to teach.

Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:19

Redmat · 06/10/2023 21:16

He was obviously doing something he shouldn't be doing with his fidget spinner.
You've reminded the school that they said he can have one. Now move on and tell him that his fidget toys are not to be used to annoy other chdren.

I agree . I don’t agree with a teacher emailing a parent stating their child had hit other children when in fact no physical contact was made . It’s a massive jump on the situation and I think teachers have to be very clear when making allegations of this nature .

OP posts:
Lalallals248 · 06/10/2023 21:19

@Millymollymaisy "BUT my issue is why email me stating factually he had hit other children when in fact no physical contact was made" because if he's jabbing it towards a child then physical contact could have been made and your child was absolutely using the fidget spinner inappropriately. As a result of your son's behaviour with the spinner, the teacher felt it needed to be confiscated in that moment, even if you disagree because physical contact wasn't actually made.
Teachers have a duty of care to protect the children in their care and that means avoiding situations where harm could occur. Sometimes, they rely on their gut and make decisions to protect the safety/learning of other students. That means that if your child is not behaving appropriately with the spinner, then unfortunately it needs to be confiscated.
They should have been clear though in why they took it, absolutely, and said that it was because he was using it inappropriately rather than claiming physical contact. If the TA took it, the TA may have thought that it occurred, and the teacher communicated this but was then corrected by the TA.

Canisaysomething · 06/10/2023 21:19

It’s not always easy to articulate why you’ve made a judgement call. A teacher or assistant in charge of loads of kids has to make judgement calls all the time. Your child was told to put their fidget toy away, which in the context sounds reasonable. They probably exaggerated because they felt backed into a corner by your accusations.

Dolallypip · 06/10/2023 21:19

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Exactly this.

If he had been hitting multiple other kids then they would have punished him and told you.

The kids have said he didn’t hit them, the senco has said he didn’t hit them and the teacher has now changed their story and said he didn’t hit them, so he didn’t hit them.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 06/10/2023 21:19

Soontobe60 · 06/10/2023 20:35

Why do you think the SENCo would be lying? If you can categorically claim that something has never happened even though you’re not there, then I think you’ve got a problem.
Children lie. Lots. Especially to get out of trouble. That doesn’t mean they’re bad children.
If I were the class teacher or SENCo I’d be removing the toy and giving your DS a small piece of Blutac to fidget with.

Good thing you're not the class teacher then!

CakeInAJar · 06/10/2023 21:20

Dolallypip · 06/10/2023 21:19

Exactly this.

If he had been hitting multiple other kids then they would have punished him and told you.

The kids have said he didn’t hit them, the senco has said he didn’t hit them and the teacher has now changed their story and said he didn’t hit them, so he didn’t hit them.

Show quote history

Yes exactly!

Life is hard enough for SEN children without people who aren’t meant to have their backs making the default assumption that a SEN child is a troublemaker

Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:20

cansu · 06/10/2023 21:18

What is the difference between me hitting you with the point of my pen and jabbing you with the point of my pen? None really. He did something dangerous and unkind with his fidget toy so was asked to put it away. End of story really. Yes you were unreasonable to make an international investigation for a simple matter of classroom management. As for expecting a call to inform you of this, if teachers phoned parents about every small classroom issue they would not have time to teach.

He didn’t jab instead of it . There was no physical interaction . They backtracked it from your son has hit other children to your son was jabbing forward . To me that’s a huge difference

if any child was in a school and hitting peers I would expect the parent to be called about it and I would also inform the parents of any child that was hurt from it . It’s safeguarding

OP posts:
Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:23

Lalallals248 · 06/10/2023 21:19

@Millymollymaisy "BUT my issue is why email me stating factually he had hit other children when in fact no physical contact was made" because if he's jabbing it towards a child then physical contact could have been made and your child was absolutely using the fidget spinner inappropriately. As a result of your son's behaviour with the spinner, the teacher felt it needed to be confiscated in that moment, even if you disagree because physical contact wasn't actually made.
Teachers have a duty of care to protect the children in their care and that means avoiding situations where harm could occur. Sometimes, they rely on their gut and make decisions to protect the safety/learning of other students. That means that if your child is not behaving appropriately with the spinner, then unfortunately it needs to be confiscated.
They should have been clear though in why they took it, absolutely, and said that it was because he was using it inappropriately rather than claiming physical contact. If the TA took it, the TA may have thought that it occurred, and the teacher communicated this but was then corrected by the TA.

Edited

Thank you. That’s my issue with it, because I was informed he had hit other children when he hadn’t . This caused my son upset and obviously as a parent I felt awful that children had been hurt when in fact they never were . They were right to stop the use of the spinner in the situation but they aren’t right to make such a allegation when in fact it wasn’t how they presented it

OP posts:
CakeInAJar · 06/10/2023 21:24

I think when OP says ‘jabbing’ she means ‘near miss’ hitting/pretending to hit. Most kids do it at some point. Yet SEN kids are only ever considered out of control when doing stuff like this

Bellsandthistle · 06/10/2023 21:24

He was behaving inappropriately with the fidget toy towards other children.
Whether hitting or jabbing at them doesn’t seem that relevant to be honest. He needs to have it taken from him until he can learn to use it appropriately.
I say this as someone with a child with SEN who uses fidget toys.

Querty123456 · 06/10/2023 21:25

Sounds like you’re making a massive deal out of this. You’ve got to remember that the teacher is trying to manage 30 or so children at once, with lots of noise and chaos ensuing. I very much doubt they were deliberately lying, more made a snap under pressure decision - one that perhaps was a bit off. Teaching is a really tough profession, and tbf if you make a lot to trouble and she leaves then your child is highly likely to be taught by a revolving door of supply teachers.

Bellsandthistle · 06/10/2023 21:26

You really think it’s any better that he was jabbing forward at other children?

Theunamedcat · 06/10/2023 21:26

My concern would be if they misrepresented this situation how will they deal with a genuine situation?

Pixiedust49 · 06/10/2023 21:27

Have you actually spoken to staff face to face? Or just via email?

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/10/2023 21:29

Your son obviously wasn’t using it properly or he wouldn’t have been asked to put it away. Just accept it and move on.

BerriesPineCones · 06/10/2023 21:30

If he was behind other kids they might not have been aware he was flicking it towards them.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 06/10/2023 21:30

JustAMinutePleass · 06/10/2023 21:05

Seems like the teacher is lying. I would 100% carry this forward - complain to both the headteacher and the governors about the lying so it’s on record. That way if another parent complains they will begin to get a true picture.

Are you serious?!

thirdfiddle · 06/10/2023 21:31

Did your son agree he was 'jabbing' whatever that means? My concern would be that the jabbing version isn't true either and what actually happened is that the TA forgot he was allowed to have it and told him to put it away just because other kids would be told to if they had been playing with one at break time.

Reasons for concern - one untrue response already; a very defensive response from the teacher, why does she need to praise the TA's abilities; and apparently no warning given to use it appropriately according to anyone's account, which they should have done as far as I can see.

FancyFanny · 06/10/2023 21:32

Teachers don't email with every title mis-demeanour children commit! With young children minor incidences are commonplace- the teachers deal with it using appropriate discussions and sanctions.

Only proper fighting and racist behaviour or bullying is relayed to parents.

Snellytheelephant · 06/10/2023 21:32

What does ‘jabbing forward’ mean? Pretending to hit?

Original poster
Millymollymaisy · 06/10/2023 21:32

Bellsandthistle · 06/10/2023 21:26

You really think it’s any better that he was jabbing forward at other children?

No I don’t . I made that clear . But jabbing forward is not the same as ‘ your child has hit other children ‘ it’s a serious thing to put against a child. Hitting requires physical contact .

OP posts:
thirdfiddle · 06/10/2023 21:33

Only proper fighting and racist behaviour or bullying is relayed to parents.
Hitting is definitely relayed. Or should be. DS had one single incident of hitting, in response to another child taunting him, it was relayed.