Colleague taking too much time off for baby illness?

[NameChanged45678]

My close colleague (shared workload), has been back from maternity a few months (working full time), but this is the 4th time she’s taken time off because her DD has a bug and can’t go to nursery. Employer is generous and so it’s paid time off, her DH is self employed so ‘can’t take any time off as he won’t get paid’. But it’s a flexible trade so he could work the weekend etc to make up any time/lost earnings, they just want to keep the weekends free.

I have 2 young kids, so understand it’s difficult, but when mine were at nursery DH and I would share the absences, emergency pickups etc, and juggle work to cover each other? I’d also work over the weekend to make up time if had time off during the week. My colleague doesn’t do that.

AIBU to think her DH should be covering some of these sicknesses, at the moment it’s having a real impact on my workload as I’m having to cover!

Also just to say, I'm still bf my son and hopefully will be by the time he's in nursery too. In that respect it's more beneficial for me to take the time to care for him because he will want to feed more when he's poorly, will want to feed for comfort therefore its easier for me to settle him than dh and hopefully feeding will help his system bounce back so he's not sick for as long. So if your colleague is still breastfeeding it might be a practical choice for her to be the one to do the majority of emergency care for their child. Plus some small children will refuse bottles when feeling poorly.

Let's be honest, if one parent gets paid leave and the other doesn't then most of the time the parent who does get paid leave is going to cover a child's illness! It's kind of a no-brainer from the parents' point of view.

What OP can do about it is not pick up the slack caused by her colleague's absence and point out to senior management that she isn't able to suddenly cover two roles. Yes this might result in paid leave being cut – and OP has said more than once she doesn't want this to happen to her colleague – but that is the only part of the equation that OP can affect.

just dont work extra
but agree that you should be more supportive and understanding.

So don't pick up the slack then. Why be a martyr and blame her for it?

I would bet my last pound that if the shoe was on the other foot the bloke wouldn’t cover every absence because he was the one with paid sick leave.

It would be ‘I get paid more than you, my job is more important!’.

She obviously thinks she has a good employer, you even mentioned this yourself but is the employee being fair to you? This happens all too often these days. You are not being unreasonable, you should speak to your employer and let them know how unfair this is and how it makes you feel.

Speaking as a manager and a direct and indirect boss of a reasonably large (~100 FTEs) workforce:

Yes, PP are right in the sense that it's a management problem.

However, you are also not wrong to think this sounds unfair to you and other working parents.

In my experience, parents - as employees - are really no different from other adults on the whole: you'll have your workaholics where, as a boss, you eventually end up stepping in to force them to take some time off (and may sometimes learn they view work as an escape from family life in the process). You have your chancers, who always end up somehow not being able to cover Helen's long weekend after all (despite having volunteered to), needing several weeks off totally outside of the annual holiday plan after all, or only being able to join remotely (despite several weeks of prep and lead time) after all - "because children". And you have everything in between!

As an executive (read: manager of managers), whenever I end up having to play arbitration judge, I try my best (but, I guess, don't always succeed) to do justice to everyone while also encouraging sustainable operations:

I won't have employees miss out on a child's milestone event because of work - but also: I won't have one parent take half a day off for an assembly every other week with another taking 10 minutes to phone home on a business trip due to a child's 10th birthday (both real, I'm afraid! On the same team, too!) if I can prevent it.

But, as always: fortune favours the bold! In my role, I know about the issues of people who bring them up! So go speak to your management!

PS: I've not even touched upon "parents vs child free employees" - that's another can of worms entirely, but I absolutely have cracked down on "Gemma - for the third year running - does the fiscal year closure on her own with no support because everyone else has kids".

but is the employee being fair to you?

The employee is doing nothing wrong.

She is operating within company policy.

If that policy is causing problems for the OP, the policy is what needs to be addressed.

For all those saying just don’t cover the work, I’ve been in the same position as the OP, except I wasn’t their manager we were literally on the same level. Colleague took off every time the kids were ill. Their job was answering incoming calls, that was something I covered when they were on leave. They were off for a few days a month, on top of AL because the kids used to get sick if there was a Y in the day, and then once one had it and was better the next one would be ill. Knowing you have to cover 20 days AL from the year with planning meant you could make an effort to clear the diary more to make it easier to deal with incoming calls, but when it’s unplanned it’s a nightmare to your own workload, and ends up with you getting chased an awful lot for your own workload because the regular and finite deadlines by which stuff has to be done by. Stuff goes wrong if it’s not done with major knock on effects outside our organisation. It’s not feasible to be able to scrape in cover who is skilled and knowledgeable at no notice. It’s not teaching with a bank of supply staff. The level of being off was way way above normal individual sickness. It’s a double kicker because I can’t have kids, my mum has passed as have all my grandparents so it’s not even fair to say ‘one day it might be you needing cover’. Really their leave should have been unpaid and that saving used to pay me for the extra time needed to get it all done!

Whilst it’s nice to say it’s a management problem, the practical solution of getting cover doesn’t always exist with the notice provided and actually it is the goodwill of ‘I’ve done today but DH is doing tomorrow so I’ll be back in early to help pick up’ that makes it bearable.

Sorry but its not your place.
My dh is self employed he can't afford to lose circa £400 a day. Too many overheads to cover
So if that was me in a workplace id be taking the time off too (And used to) which probably did piss my colleagues off, thankfully now work for dh so no need to worry.

Sometimes it can't be helped.

My dh is self employed he can't afford to lose circa £400 a day.

That's both understandable and, no doubt, challenging!

However, it also isn't the OP's problem. Nor, for that matter, is it technically even her employer's.

While I don't know you, your colleagues, or your family, this is something I would put a stop to if it landed on my desk: I wouldn't have one employee disadvantaged over another on the grounds of what their respective spouses (or lack thereof) do for a living. That's just "out of scope".

🎯

Tyu are being unreasonable not to mind your own business and for being so judgemental

It's managements fault if they don't cover her workload not hers

Ahh yes I forgot this is Mumsnet where all dads have 9-5 six figure corporate jobs with tons of paid leave
Some dads do not get paid leave- so no work , no paying the bills

if I complain then there is a risk our managers response will likely be to not to pay her…which I don’t really want to do. I’d rather just cover the workload/extra hours and hope she was just off less.
.
Honestly it's not your problem if her child is ill, don't be a martyr. Whilst I wouldn't complain at all about her being off, I'd highlight that the workload is unsustainable, let management deal with it- don't bend over backwards because she's off because she can and its paid, nice of you to help facilitate that but draw your own boundaries.

How many days are we talking? You said 4th time in 3 months but is this odd days or does it amount to say 2/3 working weeks lost now for example? If it was the latter I would say to her next time she needs to take annual or unpaid leave as this isn't sustainable. She could also think about reducing her hours so that at least it will impact less on working days lost. Bring someone else in to cover the other days.

I mean it is very much her place if she is authorising the paid leave and picking up the extra workload!

With a higher salary, comes more responsibility 🤷🏻 if you don't want the headache of having to deal with all these types of issues, go for demotion and make life less stressful for yourself and your own family. I am sure it's not done out of spite, OP.

My son was sick a lot when starting nursery and my "partner" at the time absolutely could have taken some of the days off to share the load but he was a narcissistic abusive power hungry man who would have made himself unavailable purposefully.

A lot of abuse and manipulation arises once you're pregnant or have a baby, and men are especially good at being useless around this time.

I'd never assume their relationship was happy and healthy, because I've experienced otherwise.

They both have parental responsibility but that doesn't mean your colleague can force her husband to do his part, which means she has to, and she's entitled to dependency leave when childcare falls through.

I mean it is very much her place if she is authorising the paid leave and picking up the extra workload!

So what should she be doing? Refusing to honour company policy?

Yes, but that is between op and the company. Not op and the colleague. The colleague is not at fault.

I’m on the fence because I see both sides.

This is a management problem and you need to raise it to your manager regarding the incremental work. Is your company’s responsibility to backfill when it’s required, especially when it’s a paid medical leave.

However, I also see the flipside… Once again, it’s the mother sacrificing her job in her career to do 100% child care when a child is sick while the father is not.

I’ve been in this position, unpaid though (unless boss was kind enough to let me use holiday leave instead). OH was self employed and it made absolutely NO sense for him to ask for leave (he’d have had to pay someone else to cover which wasn’t possible at 6.30am for the day). I really really tried to be in even if for the afternoon if I couldn’t manage a full day but sometimes a little one just needs to be in their home and not sent to a grandparents for example. It did unfortunately have an impact on others workload as we’re a small team but sometimes there is zero you can do about it. Especially if the nursery are the ones to pick up on a temp.

the worst was during 2021 when my eldest ended up in hosp, we then got a sickness bug, littlest had chicken pox then I had covid… 4.5 weeks off in total! During the busiest month of work. I felt sick every time I called to say I’m sorry I won’t be in but it literally wasn’t possible to be there! Thankfully never been in the situation since!

@NameChanged45678 sometimes the Dad earns more so it’s the Mum who takes the time off. Sometimes the child just wants their Mum when they’re ill. Nurseries are a pain for sending them home with a runny nose, my Childminder isn’t like this which I’m grateful for. Some of us don’t get paid for being off so it’s possible she’s taking advantage of being paid but your issue should be with your employer, learn to say no or ask for a pay rise if you’re going to have to cover the work anyway. If you’re willing to go above and beyond for your job and no one else is, that’s also on you, but remember, when you do this, employers come to expect this, therefore, they’re likely laughing at you for picking up the slack at no extra cost or hassle to them.