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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague taking too much time off for baby illness?

324 replies

NameChanged45678 · 06/10/2023 13:53

My close colleague (shared workload), has been back from maternity a few months (working full time), but this is the 4th time she’s taken time off because her DD has a bug and can’t go to nursery. Employer is generous and so it’s paid time off, her DH is self employed so ‘can’t take any time off as he won’t get paid’. But it’s a flexible trade so he could work the weekend etc to make up any time/lost earnings, they just want to keep the weekends free.

I have 2 young kids, so understand it’s difficult, but when mine were at nursery DH and I would share the absences, emergency pickups etc, and juggle work to cover each other? I’d also work over the weekend to make up time if had time off during the week. My colleague doesn’t do that.

AIBU to think her DH should be covering some of these sicknesses, at the moment it’s having a real impact on my workload as I’m having to cover!

OP posts:
Tessiebear2023 · 07/10/2023 18:50

If your employer is allowing her to have the time off, then it's also their responsibility to ensure her position and duties are coveted adequately. Speak to your manager, you need to flag the fact that you can't be expected to cover that amount of absence without assistance. They'll either have redeploy resources from somewhere else, or manage their employees absence. Go to HR if you get anywhere with your manager. Don't make it about her, or what you'd expect her to do, this situation is on your employer to resolve.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/10/2023 18:52

Everybody’s circumstances are different - my DH has his own business - he never takes a day off for childcare for lots of reasons. The boss is ok with it - it’s not your call so suck it up or complain to boss.

Andrea87 · 07/10/2023 19:16

I assume you do extra hours to cover her work and get paid overtime for this?
I know money isn’t everything though.

CoffeeMama1 · 07/10/2023 19:34

You don't truly know anyone's circumstances, maybe things are incredibly difficult at home and her husband refuses to take the time, leaving her with no choice?

HB8 · 07/10/2023 19:42

H

HB8 · 07/10/2023 19:44

How mean spirited

KateKateLee · 07/10/2023 19:46

Some parents won’t share. My husband in his opinion was too important and busy to deal with the trivial issue of childcare for sick kids. I always had to cover it. The only time he helped was when I had to take one child to the hospital during lockdown and there was literally no-one else to pick the other up from school. He left the second I got back from the hospital. I had to look after sick kids on my own when I was really sick myself.

carchi · 07/10/2023 19:48

OK maybe I am missing something here but why should one person be responsible for the workload of another person if they are off work. Isn't that like expecting someone to do two jobs in the same amount of hours for the same amount of pay ??

bluetongue · 07/10/2023 19:49

Alwaysanotherwine · 06/10/2023 14:02

The issue is that you have to cover

you don’t

do your own work and let it pile

I never understand people doing two person jobs

just do your own

Have you never worked somewhere with urgent tasks or deadlines? If work doesn’t get done at my office it can mean court deadlines get missed and hearings have to be adjourned. Some tasks can’t just be ‘left to pile up’.

Chatterbuginabox · 07/10/2023 20:30

Not everyone has a partner that is willing to share the burdon. Mine used to outright refuse and wouod become abuse if it was even raised. i had no means to leave him back then. It was a terrible time.

im out now and life is so much lighter. Please go easy on your colleague, the struggle is hard and her circumstances might be different to the way yours were.

T1Dmama · 07/10/2023 20:38

NameChanged45678 · 06/10/2023 13:58

I know they are hellish! I remember them well…but shouldn’t the load be shared if there are two parents?

Show quote history

I honestly don’t think how they split parenting is anyone’s business.
Why would dad take time off and not get paid/have to make it up when mum can take time off and be paid and not need to make the time up and be shattered as a result?? It’s a no brainier really and as frustrated as you feel it’s not forever,

CantFindMyMarbles · 07/10/2023 20:39

You sound like an awful colleague.
when kids start day care they get sick…a lot! It’s part and parcel of them going.
do your job and leave your colleague and your boss to worry about hers.

neverbeenskiing · 07/10/2023 20:50

I see this on MN all the time "both parents should cover sick days equally". In an ideal world, yes but it completely fails to acknowledge the reality for many families. My DH earns 4 x as much as me. I work in a sector where it's famously difficult to get rid of people, i'm protected by a union and my job allows a certain degree of flexibility whereas DH's industry is really competitive and cut-throat. If I lost my job, we'd have to tighten our belts a little, but if he lost his it would be a catastrophe for our family. So of course if one of the kids is ill and someone needs to stay at home we are going to prioritise his job over mine, we'd be absolute fools not to. Is it right? Probably not, but that's life and its ridiculous to pretend otherwise. Sometimes you just have to be pragmatic.

ThisMama1 · 07/10/2023 20:50

My husband is self employed (property maintenance) but simply taking the day off & working on a weekend isn’t as simple as it seems. For 1, he has to schedule work around not only his clients but their family life too. So if he’s decorating their house for example it’s not always feasible to just do it on a weekend instead of during the week due to the order things need to be done, access to the rooms, the children being about etc etc.

  1. He has someone who works for him & he’d have to give him the day off & make him work on a weekend which again isn’t always doable for them both.
  2. Any changes to his schedule has a knock on effect with his other jobs coming afterwards
  3. if a job doesn’t get finished in time they may already be working the weekend anyway which again impacts on the next lot of jobs coming up
5 the customers schedule has to be taken into account so they may need the work done before the weekend 6 he may have several jobs at several properties that day so can’t always reschedule every job based on the customers needs or their availability if he needs access to their home 7 not complete long the job in time affects his customers & his business etc etc etc

just because someone is self employed doesn’t mean they can simply just change their work load or work hours even though everyone seems to assume they can

Pherian · 07/10/2023 20:56

I think you need to wind your neck in. If someone’s child is unwell it’s completely out of their control.

Secondwindplease · 07/10/2023 20:59

@neverbeenskiing Pragmatism never wins when the bloke has more job security though, does it?

If he’s a salaried solicitor and she’s a self-employed nail technician I can bet you a pound to a penny who is going to be cancelling clients.

It always ‘he is self employed’ or ‘he earns more’ or ‘baby only wants mummy’. A constant merry-go-round of excuses from men that for some inexplicable reason women nod along with.

Secondwindplease · 07/10/2023 21:00

Pherian · 07/10/2023 20:56

I think you need to wind your neck in. If someone’s child is unwell it’s completely out of their control.

But who cares for them in a two parent family is at least a little bit in their control, isn’t it?

TheKeatingFive · 07/10/2023 21:04

But who cares for them in a two parent family is at least a little bit in their control, isn’t it?

it's not in the OP's control

Secondwindplease · 07/10/2023 21:07

TheKeatingFive · 07/10/2023 21:04

But who cares for them in a two parent family is at least a little bit in their control, isn’t it?

it's not in the OP's control

Well no, because she’s not one of the parents of the poorly child. She’s just the muggins who is being repeatedly inconvenienced by the situation. Perhaps the answer is no paid leave and then parents might make more equitable decisions.

TheKeatingFive · 07/10/2023 21:09

Perhaps the answer is no paid leave and then parents might make more equitable decisions.

Well then it's company policy that she needs to focus on, not this individual's circumstances.

Kath85 · 07/10/2023 21:14

In an ideal world the absences would be shared but everyone’s circumstances are different. My DH works away 2-3 nights every week all over he country so can’t do pick up and due to this we like family time at weekend so I wouldn’t make up the time either. Understand how it’s annoying but it’s one of those things

HMW1906 · 07/10/2023 21:20

Honestly if my kids are unwell I have the time off to look after them, I get carers days so get paid whilst I’m off, my husband doesn’t get paid if he’s off so it’s a no brainer really so I can 100% see why you’re colleague is taking the ‘paid’ time off instead of her husband.

saffy2 · 07/10/2023 21:26

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 06/10/2023 15:11

Maybe she just wants to look after her own baby when they are poorly? It would go completely against my instincts as a mother to not care for my Ill baby.

I find it odd that somebody would wonder why a mother of a young child would prioritise her child over a job.

100x this!! My partner would get paid for time off and I do not. I would literally never not take the day off for my poorly baby. I’m reading this thread a bit baffled that so many mums would, I assumed all mums would want to be with their poorly babies, and the babies with them. Even at 13 my son only wants and talks to me with any problem/issue/illness at all.

Cuttysark4321 · 07/10/2023 21:26

You are every woman's worst nightmare in the workplace.

TheHateIsNotGood · 07/10/2023 21:31

As you've got a couple of dc yourself, maybe take some time off to care for them when they're unwell.

These hard fought for maternal/paternal rights are still not widely available; pisses me off really when people take the piss, as it makes it harder for many others to get these rights.