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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague taking too much time off for baby illness?

324 replies

NameChanged45678 · 06/10/2023 13:53

My close colleague (shared workload), has been back from maternity a few months (working full time), but this is the 4th time she’s taken time off because her DD has a bug and can’t go to nursery. Employer is generous and so it’s paid time off, her DH is self employed so ‘can’t take any time off as he won’t get paid’. But it’s a flexible trade so he could work the weekend etc to make up any time/lost earnings, they just want to keep the weekends free.

I have 2 young kids, so understand it’s difficult, but when mine were at nursery DH and I would share the absences, emergency pickups etc, and juggle work to cover each other? I’d also work over the weekend to make up time if had time off during the week. My colleague doesn’t do that.

AIBU to think her DH should be covering some of these sicknesses, at the moment it’s having a real impact on my workload as I’m having to cover!

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 07/10/2023 21:31

Secondwindplease · 07/10/2023 20:59

@neverbeenskiing Pragmatism never wins when the bloke has more job security though, does it?

If he’s a salaried solicitor and she’s a self-employed nail technician I can bet you a pound to a penny who is going to be cancelling clients.

It always ‘he is self employed’ or ‘he earns more’ or ‘baby only wants mummy’. A constant merry-go-round of excuses from men that for some inexplicable reason women nod along with.

Because if the self-employed nail technician loses clients for being unreliable that's not going to be financially ruinous for the family, since the solicitor is the main breadwinner. It's not "inexplicable". I get that it's not fair, not even remotely, but it's also not illogical to prioritise the career of the higher earner and unfortunately in the majority of households that is still the man. It's shit, I'm not saying it isn't, but just saying "both parents need to split sick days equally" is overly simplistic, and not realistic for every family.

Freezinghotlikeaweevil · 07/10/2023 21:34

Unfortunately some people feel entitled and are not team players, she must know you are picking up her work but is just selfish. I work with people like this.

AnneValentine · 07/10/2023 21:34

NameChanged45678 · 06/10/2023 14:49

I'd be incredibly thankful that yours are healthy enough that you're able to be in work consistently.

trust me they are not! But DH and I share the time off, and I will always make up the hours later, or at weekend to catch up for any time I’ve taken.

You’re fortunate that you’re able to share it. Many are not.

HellieWelly · 07/10/2023 21:52

lilyblue5 · 06/10/2023 13:57

YANBU to complain to higher up about your workload.
YABU to complain about your colleague. Those first few months starting nursery are hellish. I remember weeks and weeks of sickness that I thought would never end.

This.

Secondwindplease · 07/10/2023 21:53

neverbeenskiing · 07/10/2023 21:31

Because if the self-employed nail technician loses clients for being unreliable that's not going to be financially ruinous for the family, since the solicitor is the main breadwinner. It's not "inexplicable". I get that it's not fair, not even remotely, but it's also not illogical to prioritise the career of the higher earner and unfortunately in the majority of households that is still the man. It's shit, I'm not saying it isn't, but just saying "both parents need to split sick days equally" is overly simplistic, and not realistic for every family.

Show quote history

Forgive me but I’ve worked in large legal firms. The solicitor would have paid leave to care for their own children - perfectly legitimate to take it and no risk of financial ruin. And yet still, daddy is somehow unavailable.

Snowflakeslayer · 07/10/2023 22:05

This is why, rightly or wrongly, employers don’t give the same opportunities to women of child bearing age, or new parents. They are trying to run businesses, not a crèche. I understand the difficulty, but people these days don’t understand what it takes to run a business. The obligation for flexibility is with the employee, not the employer who has a job to do!!

pawpaw15 · 07/10/2023 22:21

My DH is self employed but works in schools so rearranging work for a weekend is impossible. He would lose approx £300 per day and, even if mine went unpaid, I would lose around £60. I always take the time off for illness as we wouldn't be able to pay the rent otherwise. All this 'needs to be 50:50 as he needs to pull his weight' is complete rubbish and depends totally on individual circumstances.

Honeybee798 · 07/10/2023 22:27

Honestly, you don’t know her home situation so I’d just keep out of it. Yes, in an ideal world her DH would take some days off work to have their DC too, but he isn’t doing. For all you know, he is just point blank refusing and there’s nothing she can do to force him. She might just be using money as an excuse. She’s legally allowed to take parental leave so regardless of what you think, you can’t stop her.

Rcgc · 07/10/2023 22:50

You could complain to management they could speak with her. Chances are without the flexibility she will just quit, find somewhere else to work that are flexible. Plenty of work out there. The you can enjoy even more workload while they find a replacement. Then you can deal with the next colleague and the issues they bring. Grass may not be greener. If she’s good at her job when she is working then I wouldn’t rock the boat. Or you may find yourself working twice and hard all the time.

Eeemax · 07/10/2023 22:56

To be fair, it isn't her fault. Everyone knows that the first few years of nursery/school, kids get everything going.
I'm sure she doesn't want to be off all the time and probably feels awful about it. It is what it is though. There were times I couldn't take off work because of essential meetings and times my partner couldn't take of work for the same.
At the end of the day, the kid is sick and the parents can't do anything about that.
I think YABU.

coconu · 07/10/2023 23:00

Sorry OP but I think this attitude is awful! The first couple of months of nursery were hell for us - I didn’t have a full week of work for six weeks between chicken pox, vomiting bugs and viruses. Add to that the apprehension about being back to work after so long, and I’m sure your colleague is already giving herself an awful time without you adding to it. Would advise you to take it up with your manager

Original poster
NameChanged45678 · 07/10/2023 23:04

Andrea87 · 07/10/2023 19:16

I assume you do extra hours to cover her work and get paid overtime for this?
I know money isn’t everything though.

its not the type of job that pays overtime. We just work the hours needed. We do get a very good salary to cover this. i.e. me ~£66k and colleague ~£64k.

colleague openly shares that she earns a lot more than her self employed husband, even when taking into account his tax saving and cash in hand work.

OP posts:
Secondwindplease · 07/10/2023 23:10

NameChanged45678 · 07/10/2023 23:04

its not the type of job that pays overtime. We just work the hours needed. We do get a very good salary to cover this. i.e. me ~£66k and colleague ~£64k.

colleague openly shares that she earns a lot more than her self employed husband, even when taking into account his tax saving and cash in hand work.

Show quote history

Yep, knew it. Husband earns the pin money and yet still he cannot be disturbed.

Original poster
NameChanged45678 · 07/10/2023 23:10

Secondwindplease · 07/10/2023 21:53

Forgive me but I’ve worked in large legal firms. The solicitor would have paid leave to care for their own children - perfectly legitimate to take it and no risk of financial ruin. And yet still, daddy is somehow unavailable.

Edited
Show quote history

In my colleagues case…her job is more akin to the salaried solicitor and her DH self employed nail tech … in terms of earnings and flexibility on clients etc…

OP posts:
Pinkfluff76 · 07/10/2023 23:13

Oh ffs only on mumsnet are you being made out to be unreasonable! She’s being very unreasonable. Of course her and her husband should share but of course they’re not because she’s still getting paid and so is he. Can you speak to your boss? It’s unreasonable of them to expect you to constantly cover for her.

Secondwindplease · 07/10/2023 23:19

So basically men cannot be disturbed when

  • They are self employed, even if they earn less
  • They are not self employed but earn more, even if they have paid leave
  • They work away overnight (so cancel, not hard!)
  • Pretty much any other eventuality

And even if, in principle, daddy could be disturbed…. mummy would be better at soothing baby anyway.

And nobody is allowed to criticise because perhaps he’s just a twat and she’s already privately embarrassed about his uselessness.

And we wonder why women of childbearing age are considered a liability.

Original poster
NameChanged45678 · 07/10/2023 23:23

bluetongue · 07/10/2023 19:49

Have you never worked somewhere with urgent tasks or deadlines? If work doesn’t get done at my office it can mean court deadlines get missed and hearings have to be adjourned. Some tasks can’t just be ‘left to pile up’.

Show quote history

exactly….the work just has to get done in our business too.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/10/2023 23:24

I think you are very unreasonable and it really is not your business. Do the work that you can and that is all you can do. If there is an issue and manager feels your work not up to par than tell her that you are trying to do both and need someone to cover when colleague off.
When children start nursery there is lots of illness so it is between her and the manager and it would be very mean spirited of you to go running to your manager. Everyone's situation is different and I am sure if he could take the time off he would and really I think it is very unkind to be starting a thread about her and bitching about her situation if you consider yourselves friends or is she just a work colleague.

FindingNeverland28 · 07/10/2023 23:24

Do you know for certain that her husband isn’t taking any time off? I have a colleague who was off quite a bit due to their DS being sick. Our boss would question why her DP wasn’t taking any time off from work, but her DP had been taking time off too. My colleague just didn’t announce it (because it isn’t anyone else’s business). I told her that in future she should come in to work and say DS is at home sick, but DP is with him.
Regardless of whether your colleagues DH is taking time off or not though, it really doesn’t have anything to do with you. Speak to management about your workload. Your colleague will already be stressed enough about leaving their child at nursery and then worrying about them being sick. They don’t need to worry about you complaining about them either. Have some compassion.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/10/2023 23:25

If work is so generous with sickness for kids why didn't you use their policy yourself when kids were poorly .

Rather then Struggle with you and dh deciding who was taking time off

If work Havnt an issue with her not finishing her work due to being off then I wouldn't worry

Just say to manager that abc didn't get done due to your doing your work
And colleague not there

Bornonsunday · 07/10/2023 23:25

I find sexism cuts both ways though. My husband works in a team of women who expect to have complete flexibility for childcare while he's expected to work late every day so the office is open for client walk-ins. It has a knock-on effect on me and my career as I have to pick up the slack.

Ruffpuff · 08/10/2023 00:05

Sounds right in theory. My arsehole of an ex refused to ever take any time off when baby was sick and it left me in a difficult position. I had to take the time off- which is why he’s now an ex.

Happilyobtuse · 08/10/2023 00:21

When I went back to work after my second DC he was nearly 2 years old. He was ill constantly after joining nursery. I ended up paying a lot to hire nannies to help cover childcare, even though I WFH as my job involved speaking to clients which I couldn’t do with a sick child on my lap. But on the days I couldn’t get nannies at short notice I managed as best I could with re-arranging meetings etc. On no occasion did my DH take time off work as it would involve cancelling clinics etc. for which he needs to give 6 weeks notice and it is very hard to get others to cover at short notice. So I was always the default parent for childcare for the greater good. To be fair I think my children preferred that, as much as they love their dad when they are ill they both want mum.

I don’t think you have any business in telling your colleague how and when she should take her paid sick leave to care for her child. If the company allows it then it is part of the policy. If you don’t like it then speak to management about it.

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2023 00:25

If the work can be done from home then stop doing paid time off without making up the hours

Happilyobtuse · 08/10/2023 00:40

Also forgot to mention, I never had paid time off so I just worked from home as usual but re-arranged meetings or gave updates to colleagues who were also going to be present on client meetings if I couldn’t attend due to sick child. And also ended up putting in extra hours in the evening to catch up with work and stay up to date on work load. Your employer is very generous!