To ask if you’d work or stay home?

[StiffUpperNip]

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future.

DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry.

We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t need my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum.

Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time.

On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t.

DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced.

What would you do?

If you own your own business, does that offer you more flexibility to scale up or down how many clients you have and therefore how much work you take on? You're not quite in the same situation as mother's who work for someone else, and who may not be as open to part time working.

The biggest driver for me continuing with my career (mostly full time until more recently) was financial independence should my marriage break down. Dsis was a sahm and when her dh became the major earner, he began treating her like staff. She was out of work for so long that she lost her earning potential and, when they finally separated, she had to find a (low paying) job and start again at almost 50yo. Nobody thinks their marriage will end, or expects such an imbalance to kick in, but there are so many examples of this happening.

Similarly, a colleague of mine went off to have her second baby and came back on three days per week. There was a restructure and she was passed over for promotion. During her interview for the managerial role it was obvious they didn't want a part timer in that post, and they said it couldn't be job share. So her career is on hold.

But if you own your own consultancy firm, you have every opportunity to have the best of both worlds I would think? And with your joint income being so high, a nanny could be an option.

My advice would to not make yourself financially dependant on another person. Take a years maternity leave. Go back to work (full or part time).

If you do decide to take a prolonged period of time off work make sure your partner is paying as much into your savings and pension as he is into his own. And make sure you continue to pay national insurance so that you don’t have a big gap as this will affect your state pension entitlement.

Yes, this is exactly what happened to me. Although the kids benefited by me staying home for 6 years, I bitterly regret not returning straight back to my career after having DS.

Once the kids were school age, my previous industry had moved on and I couldn’t get back in. I took local part time work to fit around the kids and because by this point nothing was to stand in the way of his career as sole breadwinner, I took on the emotional load of running the household and family stuff. Which meant I could never really progress particularly far.

I sacrificed my earning potential and pension contributions on the understanding we’d be together for life, only to be discarded 2 days after our youngest’s last a-level exam.

I earn enough to keep my head above water working freelance in my field but he earns 10x what I do because I literally took everything other than work off his plate so he could maximise every professional opportunity that came his way. I freed up so much of his time he had a four year affair - and there were probably others, that’s just what he’s confessed to.

If you stay home, make sure you always have a way to make money, that your husband is making contributions towards a retirement fund in your sole name and have a plan in case he turns into a selfish arse. Because if he does, society will side with him.

https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/please-dont-become-a-stay-at-home?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

I work because I need the mental stimulation and fulfillment I get from my job. It challenges me in a way parenting doesn't and honestly if I was SAH, no child needs that level of focus. I am the higher earner but DH earns well too so I don't need to work or to work full time. I've also gained promotions since having DS because I'm passionate about what I do rather than chasing the money (which is nice of course).
I've also never been financially dependant on anyone as an adult and don't want that to change.

I’d work if I was you. I don’t ‘need to work’ but I always have, even if just part time, for my independence, and for something different to talk about. Mum life can be pretty lonely, and if you’re not a ‘out and about’ kind of person I think you’ll find it even harder. Since you work for yourself you could choose to work 3 days a week? And then move to working school hours 5 days a week when your kids are in education?

I’d work 2 days a week

I’m just coming on to say that that is really a decent day rate. You seem a little damning of your earning ability, as if it might not be worth it for a day rate that doesn’t improve above £450. Compared to £200k p/a, sure. But to be commanding that in your “fledgling consultancy” I think is well worth applauding and continuing to invest time in shoring up. I would suggest you consider putting your child into day care for 0.5-1 day more than you intend to work, to give you breathing space.
FWIW that quote from an OP that the 8th hour of a job is a lot less shattering than the 5th hour of childcare - that really resonates with me. You love your work. Continue to hold onto something that you love, a business you are proud of. And hold some balance in your life.

I was a housewife for about two years and I loved it. DH has a much better paying job than me and we have no mortgage so I really enjoyed it. He never once made me feel guilty for not working and he was very supportive of my choice - he was always glad to come home to me. Now I’m back at work full time and I miss being a housewife but it’s nice having my own money again!

Maybe go part time first and see how you feel. It’s nice to have your own money!

I’m currently on maternity leave but intend to go back to work full time. The money though not absolutely necessary is very helpful and allows us a lifestyle and to save. I keep my independence, build a great pension and keep myself up to date professionally. I would like to be in a position when my kids are older to help them with house payments, weddings and university.

Plus, I find staying at home, lonely and a bit boring as much as I love my girls. I am quite introverted and don’t want to go to baby classes etc.

Agree with other posters, look at part time if that works. See how it feels for you. You can always go back to full time or take a break altogether once you get a sense of how you feel.

You say your consultancy is in its fledgling stage? Could you just keep it low key as it is and not make effort to grow the business? Do you have anyone who could provide you with flexible childcare that you could use on an adhok basis if needed or can you work evening/weekends when oh is home?

I started my company when my youngest was 15 months and its been an absolute wonder for my mental health, self esteem, energy levels. I love my children and don't regret my time off but my god its gets exceedingly dull and monotonous.

My work is only a day or two a week and its flexible enough that i can work around the kids but in a year or so when my youngest goes to school i am in a good position to expand and already have a great reputation with the clients i already have so word is spreading already, could you do something similar?

We’re all very different and what’s preference for one may not be the same for the other. Personally I love my job and what I do, and I’m financially rewarded very well. My partner has his own business employing hundreds of people and it’s extremely profitable also in an industry that never dips. I chose to go back to work. I done it so I could keep a piece of my own identity whilst still choosing to be the best version of mum that I could be. Being SE has many perks, arranging your own timetable for one. Why not start touching base and doing some BD and start back (when you’re ready) with a much smaller client base just to get your mind active in the areas it’s craving? If that means baby being with a nanny/nursery setting one or two days a week and you being full time mum the other days it may just give you that small piece of independence back that made you, you. Whatever you chose will be the right choice as it’s whats right for you x

I stay home (3 school age kids, dog), because I'm too stupid to get any kind of a decent job to warrant working, I'd only be on minimum wage and it's not worth the expense of babysitter etc. I've been searching for a term time job for over 4 years now but none start after/end before school run. I'm secured in the event dh dies/leaves, so it's fine. I never had a career, just dead-end minimum wage high stress jobs, so I'm far happier in this life than before.

If you’re not an out and about person, I would put DC in nursery once she turns one, even if it’s just a couple of mornings a week. I chose to be a SAHM but hated baby groups so much, so didn’t go to many. I have a fairly shy and unconfident 5yo now, which I think is from lack of socialisation.

I should also mention that I don’t have friends or family in the area, so DS really didn’t get much socialisation at all.

I now work part-time (financially need to now) and it absolutely sucks only getting two days a week with DS in school holidays.

I don't need to work, but I went back to work for my mental health and well-being. I'm so much happier working.

Oh, as they get older it won’t be boring. Tiring, relentless perhaps, but not boring!
they’ll do playgroups, play dates, want to go to park endlessly, they sleep less so need more interaction etc.
I had to go back, but I wish I’d gone back at least part time. Total cliche but it does fly by, suddenly they’re in school and that time is gone.
not to say it’s easy, or all fun. And sahm life isn’t for everyone. But if you can afford to, and you want to, then do!

This, albeit pt. And my DC were only four and five months old.
Twenty years on never a single regret.
All bonded just fine and my pension looks great.

I’ve got a two year old daughter, and have come to the firm conclusion that the ‘winning’ solution is when the one that feels right to you also works with your household budget and other circumstances so you get to do it.

I went back to work when daughter was 11.5 months and work 3 long days a week (70% FTE), over a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. That pattern means I can keep all my own work, as everything can wait til ‘tomorrow’. People I’ve know who do three consecutive days seem to mainly get joint work.

Thats definitely my ideal at the moment. I couldn’t do full time stay at home mum, my mind needs the adult time and stimulation that work brings. I’d also not enjoy working full time, I’ve done the odd full week and it’s always felt for us like our daughter becomes a logistical challenge to be solved rather than part of the family. It works just fine for some people, it’s just not the right answer for us.

In hindisght, I should have gone back slightly earlier. I wasn’t loving being off, but the hyped wonder of ‘all that time with your child’ make me feel I had to use all my mat leave.

I’d also say it’s tough to think straight with a small child. If you can park the topic til their closer to 8 months it might be easier to think.

(And in my view, the be set feminist is the one that’s doing what’s right for them without screwing others over. Whether that’s full time parent and domestic goddess, working full time with nanny and cleaner or anything in between).

👆This with bells and whistles on. I know it seems impossible now but in 10/15 years time it is a vanishingly small cohort of relationships that can accommodate that power imbalance and remain a truly balanced team with no resentment in either direction. If you go down the high earner/high powered job and sahm domestic care total split route you are talking about two very very different roles. If neither side get to experience very much if the other you risk lack of understanding and empathy and it the societal status of both edge in. It's corrosive and to be avoided I think.

I should add, balance is key. Part time working for either of you or both/ DH getting more actively involved (pick ups drop off, weekends sick days/compressed and or Flexi hours...Or agreement on who will press in and take up career opportunities when/in which phase of life...

I am 50...An have seen this happen so many time it's a boring cliche. Younger women often think their DH would never do this, but years of a power imbalance has an impact.

I think that OP’s statement that being AH wouldn’t be about ‘chores’ is naive. Few male ‘sole breadwinner’ men seem willing to do much domestic work or weekday parenting.

And the risk of power imbalance is high.

I know one heterosexual couple, who are very much a team and the man does loads and has good attitude on equality etc. But many more when the man does bugger all domestic stuff and has the full ‘facilitated man’ attitude.

Great points made on this thread but just to reiterate this. Some many different phases and school age kids and then teenagers also need you and your time just not in the same intense way babies and toddlers do. You obv have the whole day when they are at school.but wrap around childcare is expensive and you have less you time in the evenings with older kids activities/bedtimes later etc... So being able to be part time and making this work long term would be great for school years.. stay in work some way or other.

I chose work.

And given our subsequent divorce, am v relieved I did.

I stayed at home until my son started school, I wouldn’t have missed that for the world even tho financially it was really tough but I feel strongly that it’s important for kids to be looked after at home where possible (I know it isn’t always) But I’m not at all career driven, I have worked for women who are (as a nanny) and all admitted they couldn’t stay home. Think it depends how you would feel not working, it can be very dull and hard work especially when kids are ill, lonely if you don’t know other mums, I found meeting new people hard, they seemed to have own groups already and it’s only since my son started school that I’ve found some lovely mum friends there. Could you work 1/2 days a week? Gives you both worlds and if you find one works better for you then you can change it around.

@hettie yes - I’m a similar age as you and I was one of those who thought he’d never do that to me.

My family of origin was very dysfunctional (I may as well have been an orphan since my teens) so I’ve had to figure out everything by myself with no family to advise and support me.

It’s was always the two of us against the world. TBF, many of our social circle with similar lifestyles are still together. It feels like there’s only been a handful of breakups over the years. It’s all over mumsnet though, quite shocking how much of a pattern it is. They all work from the same playbook it seems.

My consolation is I know my kids won’t make the same mistakes I did.