To ask if you’d work or stay home?

[StiffUpperNip]

I am in my thirties, have two postgrad degrees and a career that I enjoy and in which I have invested a lot of time and passion. I recently (pre-baby) started working for myself/contracting. My day rate is £450. It’s unlikely that I will earn more than this in the near future.

DH earns about £200K a year (including bonus). This is likely to rise. He’s securely employed in a famously recession proof industry.

We have one DC. I am considering staying home until she starts school, as we don’t need my income. However, a quite large part of me feels like that would be a waste of my…I don’t know, mind? Prior efforts? Being a bad feminist? It’s also not going to help my fledgling consultancy at all. I was just gaining momentum.

Also, we want more DC. So, if I stayed home with each of them, that’s a pretty solid chunk of time.

On the flipside, I recognise that the opportunity to spend this time with DC is a privilege and that I might regret it if I don’t.

DH is completely unfussed, either way. I think he might have a very slight preference I stay home, but nothing pronounced.

What would you do?

I would stay home with my babies until they were all at primary school, but if there was a way of keeping a hand in with my work, I would.

My HV told me that looking after a baby was hard work but not mentally stimulating. She was right. And whilst I was a SAHM for a couple of years (before returning P/T) I made sure to develop interests outside the home, which were entirely separate from my kids/Mum Friends. It was important to me to keep that part of me active, and it made the transition back into the adult world a lot easier.

You can still be a great Mum and not lose yourself.

In your situation I’d work part time. Do not put all your eggs in one basket! Financial independence is incredibly important.

I chose to stay home because my career was not nearly as interesting or exciting or fun as being with my child. When maternity leave was nearing its end, I quit. Never once regretted it.

In fact, I do regret the times I zoned out and wasn’t fully in the moment many times. When I had little dc, older women and elderly ladies would tell me how time flies and children are grown before you know it. I said, oh I know. I thought I understood what they meant. Op, it goes faster than the blink of an eye. I can say those years are the best days of my life. Sometimes you think the diapers, the baths, the washing of the sippy cups, the stepping on legos, endless nights of no sleep will last forever. It doesn’t. It ends. Looking back, it seems no time at all. I’m very glad I put that as my number one priority.

If you love your job, keep your hand in part time if you can during naps, during visits to family, you can work it out. Those years are a really very very short period in your life. Even if you spend twenty years raising children, it is fulfilling, and at the end it doesn’t seem that long at all. Just cut back on work somehow if you don’t want to completely take a long term break.

My career is kind of considered exciting, but it didn’t hold a candle to being a mother, for me.

This is expertly put. A content and regulated mother is the MOST important thing about having children, otherwise the house of cards simply topples.

OP, we sound very much of the same mindset - typical type A, career driven, yet wants it all and is going to have a damn good go at getting it. For that reason, please, please don’t give up your job you’ve worked incredibly hard for. It will only cause deep seated resentment in the long run if that is where you truly gain fulfilment. I’ve seen Emily Oster quoted and also love her work - finding that ratio of children time V. work time is crucial, and if it differs to others around you who feel the need to pass judgement, do not worry or guilt-trip yourself; that’s their issue, not yours. I barely made it to six months off work with each of my three - I found it Mind-numbingly boring, repetitive, suffocating, and like my brain was turning to mush. I got them into a routine immediately to try and maintain some semblance of normality, so kept up good sleep habits and found it all fairly easy logistically, but I just didn’t ENJOY it enough. I could feel myself growing to resent these happy little faces which made me feel even more frustrated, and even when our cleaner/housekeeper took on nannying duties as well to let me escape on my own for a few hours, my husband said he noticed my demeanour literally starting to change before his eyes. Once I started to ‘miss’ the children however, our whole family dynamic shifted. Time together becomes even more precious in short bursts, and it gives me the balance I need to be happy again, for their sakes! My husband and I are in the same field which I studied for many years to excel in, involves a lot of spontaneous international travel, and is something I absolutely love doing. And I knew deep down within six weeks of my first being born that I could never give it up. Our children board now, so although we FaceTime every day, physical time with them is every other weekend, and it suits our family down to the ground. They love their school, we love our jobs, and we get a weekend to ourselves as well if our assignments don’t clash! Obviously we now know lots of parents who this way of life works for, along with those who couldn’t imagine it at all, but if you are in the very privileged position of being able to afford to do so, you have to do what’s best for your family unit AS A WHOLE. Good luck x

Honestly, I think that's perfect.

My kids are adults now. With my first two I worked full time until they were 7. They were in nursery full time. When I had my youngest I decided to set up contracting which I did until she was 10. With the contracting I worked probably on average 3 days per week but 1 day would be weekend/evenings so I spent so much more time with her. I absolutely loved days out, activities and just spending time with all 3 of them.

Obviously, I love all 3 equally but my youngest is much closer to me than my older two and I massively regret not doing the same for them. If I could do it all again I'd do what you're proposing.

You'll still keep your hand in your career so can go full time if and when you want. Best of both worlds!

I work part time from home, recently started my own business. I send my DS to nursery half days, work during that time then have the rest of the day with him. It’s the best of both worlds because I love my job and have great earning potential, but I’m also spending a lot of time with DS.

I wouldn’t stay at home full time without being able to continue to work in some fashion. I need my own money and security if something was to happen with/to DH.

Stay home. You won’t get this time back with her and the years when they are tiny are so precious and will go by in a flash

If you are self employed can you not keep your hand in and work part time.

And apparently we just wouldn’t understand the meaning of plastic 🤣

I work 3 days a week. I'd go mad as a SAHM (and hence not be a very good one). I had PND with my second- going back to work sorted it out. Personally if it comes down to how u feel, I'd wait until you're on mat leave and judge- you might be loving it! But make sure youve considered pension, how easy it is to get bk into work etc too.

There’s no way anyone else can make this decision for you. There’s no right and wrong answer. For me I couldn’t stand staying at home with the kids. Im coming to the end of mat leave and I’m bored out of my mind. But other people I know would absolutely love to be off with them. Only you can know that. Can you wait until there older to decided? By a year/ 18 months you should have a much better idea of what it’s like, what your child is like. I do think if you’re a sit and think person small children 24/7 might not be for you. You don’t get much head space or chill time, well with mine anyway.

Part time is the answer. I worked 3 days while my kids were in nursery and upped it to 4 once they were at school. It was a nice balance with plenty of quality time with them but still using my brain.
I'm really glad I didn't take myself out of the job market, it can take an age to get yourself back to where you were.

Is there no middle ground e.g. working 2 days à week so there's a balance?

This.

I worked part time when mine were pre school to spend time with them but also get a break from them.

I think parenting from new born through to pre school years changes vastly. What you may or may not particularly enjoy now may change. Not knowing if being a SAHM is the right decision is only relevant to the future. You are in a fortunate position that you don't need the money. So as and when you stop enjoying it and it doesn't feel right for you any more, you could look to returning to work?

Personally I’d start with 2 days a week with the aim to work schools hours, term time only in the future. Babies are a bit boring IMO and going to a nursery or having a childminder can be good for them too.
Ultimately you are in the privileged position of having a choice. Do what you want not what not what you think you should do, as women that can be hard.

If part time was an option I'd definitely do that.
Having a large chunk of time out of work would definitely make it harder to get back into.
I also think it's important to protect yourself even If your marriage is great - if you broke up in the future and struggled to find well paid work after being out of the workforce so long, meanwhile he's happily earning £200k+. Or you're stuck in a relationship that you can't afford to leave.
No one wants to believe these things can happen, but it's like insurance. You don't want to use that either.

Never give up earning your own money. It is independence: every human being needs this.
You also have a pension that needs paying into.

I went to work because was a happier mum afterwards. You can spend 3 hours quality time after work playing with them without phones. You could also stay at home whole day and watch cartoons. Another thing to suggest is if you decide to stay home consider your partner contributing to your private pension. You are missing out on those early career days when it should be growing to multiple later.

I was in a similar position…and I thought I might stay home have another and then go back to work. But as my DD got older I just found trying to entertain her all day a lot of work. Honestly going back to work is MUCH easier than looking after an active toddler. You sound like you might be simmlar. Toddlers don’t sit, you need to be out and about at groups or parks. Or put her in nursery. My DD LOVES nursery not initially but she does now, they do so much with them and it’s the socialisation with other kids. I work 4 days. Also if you’re contracting you can have flexibility. And you might want to have a day or half day when you’re not working.

In your situation I think I’d continue to work but on reduced hours. Working for yourself presumably gives you that flexibility. careful you don’t end up doing everything at home too though.

I stayed home, not because of high income (it wasn't) but because I wanted to bring up my own children. I chose to have them close together (2 years) to shorten than period though was thwarted somewhat as one of my DD's is autistic so I ended having to work pt flexibly even through teens years as she struggled with childcare, school refusal and more