To want DH to stop watching horrific stuff when I’m in the room?

[Squishystresspig]

Only one tv in our house and generally I’m not that bothered about what’s on. DH gets all the sport he wants, lots of nature programmes and documentaries he likes, some comedies which I don’t find funny but whatever.
However he also watches a load of violent stuff which I hate. I know it’s on tv so maybe it’s not that bad by most people’s standards. It’s probably stuff rated 18 - Sons of Anarchy for example.
I HATE it. I really hate the violence, people screaming, getting beaten up / tortured / shot - I think my tolerance for it is very low.
AIBU to ask him to turn it off if I’m in the room? He has a full day at the weekend when I’m at work when he can watch, plus two nights in the week when I’m not back until late.
Ive just walked into someone being tortured and then buried alive - I don’t even know what the show is. I’ve asked him to turn it off and he won’t so I’ve gone back upstairs.

Spot on Chocolate

That's exactly what we do. It's just basic consideration for another person.

DH is not really interested in torture and stuff. But really anything I’m not interested in he’ll watch on his laptop with headphones and I do the same for him.

Think people (strangers) are judging your relationship a bit too much. I don’t think either is wrong, not him wanting to watch what he wants or you wanting to avoid watching these.
my husband loooooves world war movies and messed documentaries about kidnappings, murders etc.
I never enjoyed them but sometimes I sit through and scroll on my phone or watch some with him (and they actually grew on me a little) and sometimes I really don’t fancy it and I just say “can we choose something we both like? Put a nice movie on?” And he usually is more than happy to or just says he’d like to finish the episode which is totally fine.
It’s just a give and take between you both :)

So he can watch what he wants but you can't?

It's really not. Its has more to it than that. God peoples responses are ridiculous

From what the OP is saying it is hard to judge whether:

-There is a real issue with this guy, ie he is doing this on purpose to make her uncomfortable and then berates her for not watching. This is obviously unacceptable, toxic behaviour and the OP should see this as a reason to end that relationship.

-Or whether the OP's partner just happens to enjoys things that frankly are popular, mainstream viewings for many people like SOA or the Walking Dead and does not quite understand why she insists on him not watching them when she is the house.

My tastes are similar to the OP's partner (and no, I am not a raging sociopath...). I love horror films/books and ''gloomy'' music. SOA, the Walking Dead or Hannibal are the types of things I watch. I would not be able to be with a partner who really struggled with me watching these shows or me being into that kind of stuff in general because it is just part of who I am and has been since my teens.

Ultimately it might simply be that neither side is wrong and that you are simply not compatible.

SOA is not ''violent shite'' by the way. It is also about family, friendship, love, betrayal and it has some really interesting female characters. Including the wonderful Katey Sagal who is amazing in this and plays a strong female character over 50 who is actually a multidimensional character and kicks ass (rather than the usual grey middle aged type roles that are so often given to older women on screen).

Absolutely with you. Why would anyone enjoy watching people suffer? And it’s nearly ALWAYS women. Seeing women ( or any vulnerable person ) tortured, raped, attacked, abused, is not my idea of fun. Any man that was offended because I wouldn’t watch this with him needs to rethink his attitude.
It’s all very well watching this total shite if you’re a man and it’s unlikely to happen to you. But when you can imagine actually being the target? Ffs.

So... he's watching a series he hasn't seen before, it's getting to the good bit, and because you're there, he has to race for the remote and switch it off???

I don’t have a partner but do have kids. I don’t watch things unsuitable for them in the room but I will watch things they aren’t interested in whilst they watch a device with headphones. They also have tvs on their rooms but see to prefer a tiny screen in the company of me - 11&14 year olds. I also have a tv in my room but don’t often watch it. Mostly for sick days - I had a lot of those when pregnant!!

what we have done though is found box sets we can all enjoy together so we have been watching those. The aren’t necessarily things I’d choose to watch but I’m happy to watch wit the kids. I think the OP and partner should try and find some compromise programmes they both like to watch if they’re in together and watch their own things when the other is out. I watch stuff when kids are in bed or my days off.

I used to have an issue with my ex and football, oh and also jogging the tv to play PlayStation games. This was a main reason we got a tv upstairs in the early days. I did used to resent that I was the one sent upstairs to watch telly when the footie was on - bigger screen downstairs at the time. And the same for the gaming!

I’m not phased by violent stuff personally but it is the kind of thing I’d turn off if the kids were downstairs.

How is it odd?! Perfectly reasonable considering he has plenty of time to watch it when op isn't there.

When DP is watching something I don't want to watch, I either watch something on my laptop with AirPods or listen to white noise and read my book.

I think so long as it's not all the time it's okay. If there are things you like watching together make them the priority when you're both there, but then any other time should be shared between you.

I really hate violence on TV and movies, used to love it when I was younger and then one day I remember watching something and just feeling sickened by it and now I can't watch anything even a bit violent. It's kind of annoying because I watch a few TV shows and I really want to like but they're too much and I have to switch them off.

My OH doesn't feel the same way however and we find stuff to watch together but if she wanted to watch something I found too much I wouldn't ask her to switch it off I'd just find something different to do

This isn't a long thread. It won't take long to read the OPs update where she states that if he wishes to continue watching when she enters the room (and an entire day to watch plus 2 evenings a week isn't enough apparently) and she doesn't wish to see/listen she goes elsewhere to read.

At which point he has a toddler moment and gets grumpy with her.

But if you read the thread you'd know this

Overall you are certainly not being unreasonable- I think it was a bit unreasonable to expect him to just turn it off when he was already watching it, but you're not unreasonable to ask that in future he watches such things when you're out given how often that is. I pretty much only ever watch anything I'm interested in when DP is out. Your DP certainly should not be pissed off with you for not spending time with him when he knows why you aren't in the room. That makes him sound really unpleasant and selfish.

It can be a real pain not liking the same stuff on TV as your partner, it shouldn't matter but actually it can really affect your day to day. It makes it so the majority of the time, when you're together, you're both somewhat bored watching Tv as you've compromised on something neither of you dislikes but neither of you particularly likes either.

He objected to her leaving the room!

If my DH wants to watch awful violent shite, I banish him to watch it on his laptop with headphones.

Weird that some people think they should have the right to 'banish' someone in their own house.

He benefits from the fact that if you're both in the same room, you don't put on (or insist on watching) stuff you know he doesn't like, but he won't pay you the same courtesy. Bit of a double standard (but it sounds like he can't or won't recognise that). As you say, he has predictable occasions when you'll be out, so it's not as if you're trying to prevent him watching it entirely. I think it's unfair if he knows that you'll then have to leave the room if you don't want to watch it.

I also think it just isn't a very kind thing to do to your partner. I feel like the normal thing to do would be to see whether there's something you can watch together. TV can be a social thing that you can enjoy together, but it sounds like he is more focused on himself. (And I assume it isn't something he can only watch at that time - in 2023 I'm guessing he's streaming, so it would be easy to pick it back up again)

YANBU, and I'm saying this as someone who does watch fairly violent stuff, but would never insist on watching it if my partner disliked it.

But he has the tv nearly all the time and a full day while she works and two evenings .
Selfish much

He sounds more controlling than you .
your not controlling
He’s selfish and sounds me me me

It's not controlling to ask, for goodness sakes.

It is however controlling to guilt trip someone to stay in the room for the sake of "quality time" whilst putting them through an uncomfortable situation.

My husband can be a complete selfish idiot at times, but even he respects how uncomfortable I am with violence on TV. We only have 1 TV. The fact that your husband can’t or won’t turn it off suggests he’s either getting a lot of dopamine from it or he doesn’t respect you, or doesn’t know how to respect your feelings. Does he do any other selfish / emotionally immature stuff?

Yanbu
My husband likes horror, I find it upsetting. Maybe once a week he will watch something, he'll either let me know in advance or pause it when I walk in the room. He'll pick a night when it's my turn to put the kids to bed and/or I'm tired and planning to go to bed early anyway.
Your husband has plenty of built-in opportunities to watch, there's others things he enjoys. He's being a jerk.

YABU

If he’s watching TV then it’s not fair he can’t watch what he wants to watch.

You can leave the room with the TV in.

You need to have days where you watch something you both like and days where you take in turns watching what you want to watch, if the other one doesn’t like the show then they can go into a different room.

If he’s refusing to let you watch anything that you want to watch then that’s obviously not ok.

That’s so dramatic, why not watch something else