To want DH to stop watching horrific stuff when I’m in the room?

[Squishystresspig]

Only one tv in our house and generally I’m not that bothered about what’s on. DH gets all the sport he wants, lots of nature programmes and documentaries he likes, some comedies which I don’t find funny but whatever.
However he also watches a load of violent stuff which I hate. I know it’s on tv so maybe it’s not that bad by most people’s standards. It’s probably stuff rated 18 - Sons of Anarchy for example.
I HATE it. I really hate the violence, people screaming, getting beaten up / tortured / shot - I think my tolerance for it is very low.
AIBU to ask him to turn it off if I’m in the room? He has a full day at the weekend when I’m at work when he can watch, plus two nights in the week when I’m not back until late.
Ive just walked into someone being tortured and then buried alive - I don’t even know what the show is. I’ve asked him to turn it off and he won’t so I’ve gone back upstairs.

Did you read the part where OP tells us that he f she tries to go elsewhere and read this leaving him to watch it as you suggest, he becomes grumpy and has a huff?

OP is trying to compromise (and he has the shared tv to himself for plenty of time to enjoy watching his choices) but her partner objects to this.

It's weird but for many years now I could stomach all sorts of horror and violence on tv. Didn't enjoy it per say but is watch it.

I don't know if it's age, becoming a mum whatever but my tolerance is very low now. In particular anything involving torture or abuse and especially rape. Won't watch it. Maybe a lifetime of many shit experiences from some men has coloured my view.

But I get that's just me and if my partner wanted to then fine I'll do something else for a bit.

To them dictate that other person STAYS in the room when they are uncomfortable is not what a loving and respectful partner does.

@Squishystresspig I agree with you, not my idea of entertainment.

Love your name, btw 🐷

Honestly people if your going to go all in and criticise the OP as hysterical, get a grip etc at least have the courtesy to READ THE WHOLE THREAD before you do

It may shape your response differently

YANBU. My DH watches a lot of noisy TV as 'background'. Lately he even works while watching TV. I find it exhausting that it's never quiet in the house when he's here and he's always focussed in the TV so we can't have a conversation. (We've been married 25 years but I seriously considered not marrying him because of the TV !I particularly hate the violent stuff, including boxing, but really because of the screaming and shooting and thumping and crashing and other noisy stuff. I find I can ignore the visual side more easily. I think I must be extra sensitive to noise because although I like to watch a couple of shows in the evenings, I really like it to be quiet!

He used to wear headphones and I've recently persuaded him to wear them again. It's easy now to connect wireless headphones to a modern TV. For me it's loads better. Could that be a solution? Do you think you could ignore what's going on if you couldn't hear it? I do think though that he has plenty of time when you're out to watch those shows, so if there are particular things you don't like, he could easily watch them when you're not there, and put the documentaries on when you're home.

I think either you should get a different TV in a different room or you should go be in a different room when he is watching TV. You have more then one room in the house so surely you can both do what you want? Unless you are saying you are watching TV too and he chooses what's on? In which case if you are watching together you should both want to watch what ever is on and he shouldn't put the violent stuff on.

Did you read the bit where if OP goes to another room to do anything right now he goes in a huff with her?!

Exactly this. I'm no longer interested in shows that use this, it's just lazy. I recently finished bingeing Supernatural & I realised that in 15 seasons there was not a single rape, two scenes that in another adult series would absolutely have been & only one actual mention of historical abuse - it was in discussion about the character & was actually used as a plot line for another character to choose to death to prevent it.

It blew my mind cos it's so bloody rare!

I don't get this.

What is wrong with him watching something and you just chilling in another part of the house?

Surely you don't have to be in the same room all the time or always watch TV together?

Sons of Anarchy is a programme I really enjoyed watching...

Your partner could also get some headphones while he is watching these type of shows. Problem solved.

Frankly if someone tried to dictate that I could watch or not, it would be a serious concern to me.

Bit of a leap, isn't it? Wrong on all counts.

Can’t he watch it on his laptop with his headphones on?

YANBU at all. He can watch it in another room or when you’re not about.

even my twatty ex showed me some consideration and respect when it came to stuff like this, he knew I hated it so he watched it when I wasn’t in or went upstairs and if I did walk in the room he’d pause it or turn it off.

My H likes action films and series’, many of which have some violence in. I’m not particularly sensitive to the violence itself (in fact I like true crime documentaries) but I cannot bear the noise of gunshots and screaming. Made worse by the fact that H’s hearing is not as good as mine so he has the volume too high. I go in a different room and watch something on my laptop/phone or if we want to sit in the same room, H will put his headphones in as he knows I don’t like the noise.

Frankly if someone tried to dictate that I could watch or not, it would be a serious concern to me.

It's much more of a concern to me that this bloke seems to be completely unnecessarily trying to coerce the op into watching stuff she really doesn't like. He's got lots of other options - he can watch this stuff when she's at workor accept with good grace her leaving the room. Or use headphones to diminish the effect, as you say.

I'm not sure why anyone seems to be blaming the OP more than her DH in this scenario. Perhaps that not the intent but it's how it comes across.

Not unreasonable at all. I wouldn't force someone to watch something which made them uncomfortable in their own home. Especially if I had plenty of opportunity to watch it alone.

We also only have one TV and my husband loves horror, but I am really frightened by it, so he either watches it on his phone with headphones in or in the kitchen while cooking etc, or waits until I'm in bed. I've never even had a discussion with him about it or spent much time thinking about the fact that he does that because it's the normal thing to do.

We watch what we individually like at times the other stays around or goes in the other room

If you are talking 'normal' viewing not some weird dark Web snuff videos there is nothing dh could watch that would make me mot cope with it

It is tv

I’m with you. We only have one TV. I can’t cope with torture or screaming in the living room when I am in it.

If DH wants to watch it he waits until I am out, or having an early night, or watches it upstairs on the computer.

Not controlling. Respectful.

(Likewise I don’t watch shows he really can’t stand when we are both in the living room)

I'm with you, OP. DH and I have an agreement that in the evening if we're both in the sitting room together, we'll only watch stuff we both like. We do have more than one TV and both have time when we can watch things the other doesn't like, though, which makes that easier to stick to. I don't like sad, violent or distressing stuff, so he watches horror films etc when I'm not there, and I watch things like GBBO when he's not there (as he has zero interest in that). If we're both around in the evening, we want to spend time together, even if it's just watching TV, so that means compromising to find something we'll both enjoy.

I hate that kind of thing too. If dh is watching eg Vikings or Peaky Blinders, I can't stay in the room. I can't relax with sounds of screaming, fighting, etc.

Though I'd find it odd and offputting to have a partner who loves to watch torture and stuff like that on a regular basis. What does that say about him??

But YANBU. He can watch torture when you're out.

Sons of Anarchy is hideous. So YADNBU IMO.

If my DH wants to watch awful violent shite, I banish him to watch it on his laptop with headphones.

I think I'd summarise as:

Never letting someone watch a particular subset of the programs they enjoy is controlling (the op isn't actually doing this, of course)

Coercing someone into watching programs that upset them is abusive (the OPs DH is trying to do this)

IF DH wants to watch stuff I really hate he watches it on another device or after I've gone to bed.

Yanbu. Hard to believe there's any argument over this. You shouldn't have to listen to simulated torture, rape and violence if you find it upsetting.

If he values having you two hang out in the same room, even if doing different things, he needs to save those shows for a time when you are out of the house or busy elsewhere.

If witnessing violence is traumatic then every time you are exposed to it, it raises your cortisol levels. A raised cortisol level has wider implications on your physical health.

If he complains your not spending time together but won't change the programme, effectively forcing you to expose yourself to something that causes distress then that is coercive control.

If he never lets you watch anything you like then that is controlling behaviour.

Are other areas of your life subject to control by him?

RTFT