Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

32 isn’t old to start having kids… it’s a really normal age.

I have the same thoughts as you. I think it’s because both my parents were older parents & act like older parents too. I had my first at 28 second at 30 & I want a 3rd but worried about being an older mum

Comparison is the thief of joy- you’re healthy and happy. Age is very subjective when it comes to kids and people make weird judgements. I dint see 32 as ‘old’ for a Mum in the same way I was baffled to hear everyone harping on about me being a ‘young mum’ at 22. I wasn’t young imo, I was at a perfectly normal age to have kids as you are- it’s a pretty window

I had my first at 40, DH 47. Yes, it would have been nice to meet and have them earlier but that isn't the way it worked out and I conduit myself profoundly blessed to have my girl in my life. What I am also profoundly grateful for is that DH is established in a well-paying career and although my career is nothing to speak of, I was lucky enough to get on the property ladder, as was he. We're both sel-employed so to have that fall back of owning our homes and having a property as pension really helps me sleep at night.

Try to look at it like that? That you're able to give your kids a settled and stable life and that is an enormous blessing. And believe me, if you were the 42 year old mum in a sea of 27/30 year olds at playgroup, you'd see you really aren't that old!!

I had my first a few days before my 30th and second a few days before my 33rd.
I never considered myself an older mum. Most of my friends had children at the same time or after me. Some still haven’t started but want kids. My auntie had her first just before her 40th and we were pregnant at the same time!
I mean DH mentioned wanting 5 kids and I said we would have had to start a lot earlier (and be a lot better off) for that to happen but as I don’t want 5 it’s all good 😂.
I personally don’t want to be having kids in my 40s but partly due to the age gap to my current children and partly because I hate being pregnant anyways!
I don’t think waiting helped us much financially (teachers so just climbed the pay scale) but I guess it allowed us to buy a house and get married first.
My husband is 2 years younger than me if that makes any difference. He was the first of his friends to have kids by a country mile. Even now most of them want kids in the future but not yet.

Ive not read thread, but I think the grass is always greener. I had kids at 35, not through choice and I'm shattered (now 43). But on the other hand when I think about how much I was earning in my late twenties, where we lived, how we lived, I don't actually have any regret as those things would have brought their own stress and worry. So yes we are a bit more tired and probably a bit more neurotic as older parents, but don't have money / childcare worries and are generally much more stable in every way. We also got to really enjoy our twenties, out all the time and travelling a lot and I definitely don't regret that.

I had my little boy at 41, I'd done all my partying and don't regret it at all. I wasn't a fan of being referred to as a geriatric mum though 😕

That’s not late imo. If I were you I would count my blessings and stop worrying about things you can’t change.

I had my first at 34 and my second is due next month just before I turn 37. I wouldn't have been anywhere near ready in my 20s and I was just about as settled as I needed to be when I got pregnant, so I think that's a lot more important than perhaps the payoff of having a bit more energy, or even leaving enough room for the (possibly hypothetical) 3rd child. Each to their own of course but in your shoes I wouldn't waste mental energy on regretting how things have gone, and as pp have said, you're not that old especially by today's standards - probably bang on average in fact!

I had my first at 32 (just turned 32), second at 35, third at 36. We weren't buying a house or anything either - just trying to establish ourselves in our careers etc. I don't regret anything. I am the same age if not younger than many of their friends (although dd2 did tell me once that they were doing a numbers thing in their spanish class so they had to give the ages of everyone in their families and she said for me "my mother doesn't like me to give her age" just as well as the next girl up had a mother who was 34 and a grandmother who was 54!)

Don't regret anything. You are the age a lot of women are having children.

Well you wouldn't have the kids you have now if that had been the case?

I wouldn’t consider you an older mum at all.

My eldest is 16 and the vast majority of her friends parents are in their mid 50s. I’m the youngest at not yet 40. Our youngest is 11

It’s a relatively affluent area and their parents all own homes and can give their kids far more than we can. We rent and probably won’t ever be able to own a house until our kids are no longer at home (starter homes won’t fit us all in!!)

There are pros and cons to both scenarios, I wouldn’t change anything but we often think some things would be a whole lot easier if we’d have had the jobs we have now and got on the property ladder before starting a family.

Had my first at 38.
didnt consider that old and I don’t regret the childless years I had before that.
im happy I waited.
31 is not old. You can’t go back and have them younger now so just appreciate what is happening to you now. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I planned mine for my thirties, didn't even occur to me that that could be considered older. I know people whove had their first, perfectly healthy beautiful baby, in their 40s and they are simply amazing parents with the life experience, finances and stability to provide a wonderful home. We are busy raising ours, they are 5 and 3, and I can't imagine having had them at any other time. Put it this way, if you'd had them earlier you wouldn't have the children you have...and can you even imagine that world?? I had fun in my twenties and now I'm having a different kind of fun, but one I'm mentally and physically better prepared for, now with my little family. Life is what you make it :) don't sweat things you can't change and embrace the opportunities you can x

It's definitely not unreasonable to have worries and mum (or indeed dad) guilt about being an older parent. I had my daughter at the age of 40 and it's true that there are some disadvantages - I especially feel bad that we have less energy to play with her than we would have in our 20s, and as I have recently been diagnosed with a degenerative condition that affects mobility, this is even more sharply felt for me. However, I don't regret being an older parent at all. Our financial and housing situation is much more stable than when we were younger, which is a bonus, though I think as long as your kids have a warm home and decent food they wouldnt worry about this nearly as much as you. The biggest advantage for me is in my massively increased patience, knowledge and understanding at the age of 40 compared to twenty years ago. I KNOW I am a better parent for those extra years and what my daughter misses out on in fun energetic games with me (though I have enough money to pay for her to attend energetic classes and activities that give her what she needs in that regard so she doesn't miss out altogether), is more than made up for by having a more emotionally intelligent and patient parent. I think if I'd had her in my 20s I would have just parented her exactly how I was parented (which was fine in the main, but of its time) whereas those extra years have me plenty of time to consider what I think is good parenting. I also think I would have been more at risk of feeling suffocated by parenthood (and I think we've all felt that way at times) if I hadn't had the chance to enjoy my youth without any real responsibilities, but that's perhaps more of a personal thing. If you're a parent you're going to beat yourself up about all the different ways you will mess up your child, so whatever choices you make inevitably come with all kinds of guilt, but I really don't think this is one to worry about. X

I had my first 2 kids at 29 and 32. I was almost 40 when I had my third. The last one has been more tiring as I’m older. I find it hard to divide myself between all 3. They each have different needs at their ages: playing Lego or drawing for long periods of time vs secondary school homework help vs navigating a new social life and needing lifts etc
I find I can’t give each one the time I’d like to give them. I also work full-time as the main bread-winner so there are lots of demands on my time.
I don’t regret my third at all but I do realise I feel the same sense of completeness that I did before having him. It’s just completeness with a bit more stress on my time (and body!). I think I thought a third would “complete” my family but the feeling is just the same as it was with 2 kids.

The average age of a new mum in the Uk is now 30.9 so you are definitely not old!

@Lizziethepink666 Agree with all you’ve said, I was 40 when we had our Dd after years of infertility, but I felt too young probably even before 35
Which games/energetic activities do you not feel you can do with your dc, I mean if you didn’t have your illness (so sorry about that 😢)

Dd1 is expecting her first baby and she'll be 32 when it's born. That seems quite normal within her friendship group. I think she's only planning on two. Dd2 had her first when she was 28 (almost 29) and she's considered young these days.

Same, had dc3 aged 37 and dc4 at 42 and now I'm pushing 60 having to find the money for essentials for a child still at school. We waited for the last two as I wanted us to have a secure income, house etc but then my now ex dh decided he'd jack in his £200 k a year job, gamble away our savings and his pension and live on benefits instead! I now work in a minimum wage job, as I was a SAHM for years (did a degree in the 1980s) and am going blind. That worked out well!

You’re pretty average age having you DC tbh and don’t think you’ve made the wrong decision to be financially stable before having them. You didn’t plan to start having your first at 40 or anything like that. There’s definitely a balance between finances and age/health, but starting in your early 30s is probably a good balance.

im in the minority on mumsnet for thinking that age and health should be bigger concerns than financial security when deciding to have kids and that having a baby at 25 is usually better than having one at 45 despite possibly being less well off. However what youve done is fine and wouldnt consider you and older parent at all.

I just had my first at 37… how very dare you 😂

I'm 33, pregnant with my first and feel the same way. I always wanted to be a young mum and have kids in my 20's, but society seems to frown on that nowerdays in the name of "feminism". Don't worry though, your not too old and you had your first when you were only in your early 30's. If you had started at 37 that would be a different story.

@Gmary20

what do you mean by ‘feminism’?

At a guess I’d say they don’t really know what they’ve written or why they’ve written it. The inverted commas are an interesting choice, though.