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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regret being older mum

506 replies

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:27

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

OP posts:
PowerVandhana1986 · 07/10/2023 01:57

Right on.

MissTrip82 · 07/10/2023 02:24

Goodness I don’t know anyone who had children at 31. None of us had finished specialist training.

I wouldn’t see you as chasing financial security as though that’s greedy or soulless or whatever you’re implying. Providing for your children is a fundament part of being a parent.

Wouldn’t really describe that as chasing a career either. Nobody other than professional athletes is at their career peak at 31. Professional careers requiring university study take quite a while to establish.

lordloveadog · 07/10/2023 06:39

But... you're not old at all.

Fwiw it's worth I actually had my children younger than you. Very unusual nowadays. And I was completely and utterly knackered all all the time.

Twinsmamma · 07/10/2023 07:42

Oh I love that I had children later!! 35 gave birth to twins, I spent my 20s traveling the world living in different cities, buying a property and making sure I had savings in the bank, I don’t think I’d have coped well as a ‘young’ mum I enjoyed my life before children and know I’ve experienced both sides of life!
Why do you regret it? Is it the physical side of things too challenging? I’m probably more tired out than twins mums in their 20s with more grey hairs 🤣 but nothing a strong coffee can’t fix. 🤣

Jellybubbamama0987 · 07/10/2023 07:55

I was 36 when I had my one and only (PCOS) I do wish it had happened sooner as I would have liked to have another but life throws you these curveballs. She’s 11 now and I still feel young on the inside, I think she keeps me young (maybe not on the outside lol)

Figgygal · 07/10/2023 07:59

You are not an old mum
Yes a third at 37 would make you older but if you think you've not got the energy now just don't have a third

MaybeSeren · 07/10/2023 08:06

I was 29, 32 and 36 for mine. I thought I was older with the last one, but my Dr said I was relatively young - she had lots of mums having their first in their late 30s and early 40s.

There's lots of benefit in being a bit older and more financially settled etc, just like there are lots of benefits to being younger and having more energy. One approach isn't necessarily better than the other, they are just different. Pros and cons to both.

Hufflepods · 07/10/2023 08:08

The average age of a first time mum in the UK is 31. You’re not an older mum for conceiving at 31 and having a baby at 32. 🙄

cptartapp · 07/10/2023 08:09

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17!

Partyqueen005 · 07/10/2023 08:36

Agree with others that I don’t think early 30s is old these days.
I had my DD at 38. Fell pregnant fairly easily, had a boring and uneventful pregnancy, labour wasn’t so great but nothing related to age.

With hindset, we do wish we hadn’t procrastinated through our 30s and had got on with it maybe 5 years earlier. We’re just permanently knackered!! Although maybe that’s parenthood at any age?! And, at 42 now, for us it has stopped us having a second (by choice; just don’t think we can face baby stage of sleeplessness and crazy toddlerness again in our 40s).

So I think you do have time to have three if you really want to (although three sounds a bit crazy to me lol…you might find two is quite enough anyway!! 😆)

T1Dmama · 07/10/2023 09:41

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:32

We have stable jobs and decent Household incomes and some houses. But, I regret we kept chasing these things and feeling financially stable before we started family. We should have prioritised having a family over these things.

No point regretting it. Your earlier decisions to wait has allowed you financial stability and you can provide a better life for your kids, also hopefully because you’ve been and done everything you wanted to, hopefully neither of you will feel you hadn’t done everything you wanted when you hit your midlife crisis.
of course there are benefits to be younger, (more energy, better fertility etc) but you can’t regret the things you’ve done/not done …
For various reasons I had my DD at 33, I couldn’t conceive a second because by then I already had fibroids and husband didn’t have great fertility thanks to years of drinking / smoking… so the odds were against us and thankfully we managed to conceive one…
of course there are times when I wish I’d made other choices, but if I had I wouldn’t have my lovely daughter, sure I’d have other children (maybe) but they wouldn’t be her and maybe I’d regret having them so young?!….. I know plenty of people who wish they’d waited and got property, careers etc behind them. We humans are never happy.
enjoy your DC & maybe just have your 3 children closer together in age, or stop at 2. The 3rd one is always the troublesome child anyway 😂😂 (I’m a third child and I’m joking before the keyboard warriors bully me).

superplumb · 07/10/2023 09:51

I was 35 with 1st born and 37 with my 2nd. Wish of started earlier. I'm exhausted all the time. A few much younger colleagues were pregnant at similar times and they looked so much fresher despite lack of sleep and bounced back quicker than I did. I'm peri menopausal now too ( I'm 45) and my patience is very thin. My sister on the other hand began her family on her 20s. She is now 49 amd her children are grown up and left. She has her life back.
My problem is financially we really couldn't do ot younger...as in we didn't get our 1st mortgage until 33...I was adamant I wanted security which is totally on me. I knew if we went into provate rented and started a family, we'd never manage to save a deposit.

mysocksarehaunted · 07/10/2023 10:08

Wow this thread is still going! OP was trolling or bored, surely?

Tigernoodles81 · 07/10/2023 11:28

I was 32 when I had my first and 35 with my second, my sister had her first at 38 and both my sister in laws were late 30’s having kids. None of us regret it at all, we are far more financially stable when we started having kids, we’re more advanced in our careers so had good options on going back etc and we were all ready to settle a bit and not longing to go out clubbing or something! I’m 42 now and our kids will come to the pub with us for a while, chat with their friends, our friends and we have a laugh walking back home again. It’s lovely. I feel my husband and I are better parents for being older and having more life experience when we decided to have children. We’ve been together since mid 20’s too so it was a deliberate choice not to have kids until our 30’s

LiveLoveLifeForever · 07/10/2023 11:46

I had mine at 37 and 40, they will be 18 and 15 next month. It’s just how it happened as only met my husband at 35. Juggling menopause with teenagers / puberty was fun but other than that can’t say it’s made a difference. Also don’t think having a child at 31 is old, probably pretty average age these days.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 07/10/2023 11:59

I can understand your point OP.

Me and my sister are only a year apart yet her children are 17 and 15, whereas mine are 9 and 6.

I went to college and Uni and entered a profession so that was my focus and priority, whereas she didn’t choose that path in life.

She had her children quite quickly with her boyfriend when they were aged 23 and 25, whereas I had mine at 31 and 34.

I look at my sister now who is 40 and practically has her life to herself as her children are pretty much self sufficient, whereas I’m 39 and still feeling I’m in the early stages of parenthood.

I was married at 30 and I fell pregnant within 3 months (planned) and thankfully we managed to squeeze a second one in too.

My husband was absolutely adamant that he did not want any more children after he turned 35 as that was what he classed as being an “old parent” and it wasn’t what he wanted, but thankfully after 11 months of TTC I got pregnant 6 months before his 35th birthday! Thank God.

You may feel like an “older parent” and that’s fine, you are absolutely allowed your own definition as to what is classed as being an “older parent” but you can’t turn the clock back so please try and let go of this regret.

You’ve clearly done very well for yourself professionally so pat yourself on the back for that, and then just focus on your plans for future children without any regrets.

Ilovebudgies · 07/10/2023 13:25

I find the statements about having 'got it out the way' and 'getting your life back' so hard to relate to. Having kids isn't compulsory, it's meant to be enjoyable. I feel the opposite and will feel sad once they have grown up and gone, and actually wouldn't want to have an empty nest by age 45.

FancyRat · 07/10/2023 13:47

As someone who may be an empty nester by 45, I can't wait. I'll have more money and can enjoy my freedom. And I'll have grown up children to enjoy it with.

I think people who think young parents lives are over are the ones who seem to hate parenthood. Looking forward to having an empty nest (at any age) is normal and exciting

MrsDanversChickenSandwich · 07/10/2023 14:11

it's almost like...we're all different.

who knew.

EllieHJ · 07/10/2023 14:11

As long as you keep healthy who cares when you have them. 30s is normal these days! I had my 3 at 31,33 and then at 40 dh was late 50s by then. We are fine, kids are fine. Definitely good idea to get financially stable before having kids if you can but life happens and we all adapt.

Maray1967 · 07/10/2023 14:13

Had DS1 at 33 and DS2 at nearly 41 - no regrets.

AliasGrape · 07/10/2023 14:18

I’m an actual older mum - had DD at 40 - and in my circles you’d have been classed as a relatively young mum at 32.

I don’t regret it as such - I’d like life to have worked out in such a way that I could have had DD younger and gone on to have another, but it didn’t - I certainly tried but this is where we ended up. If I’d conceived a child earlier taker could would not have been DD, and I wouldn’t have missed out on this little weirdo for anything , she’s perfect.

I had a great time in my childfree 20s and 30s (and some really really tough times to overcome too). That’s behind us now; we’re financially secure AND we have an amazing daughter we adore. I don’t want to waste any time on regrets

Clariee45 · 07/10/2023 14:32

I’ve had kids in my teens, 20s, and late 30s, pros and cons to every age and love all my children dearly but if had my time again would definitely go for being stable in life and happy marriage before having kids. I think you seriously underestimate the impact of not having those things on how much more difficult (and less enjoyable) it makes the whole experience plus more importantly the life long impact on your children ( however hard you tried)

heyitsthistle · 07/10/2023 14:34

My mum had me at 38, and it's always been fine. There have been no times of regret in terms of age. Don't sweat it!

SpaceChocolatel · 07/10/2023 14:36

I wouldn't class you as an older mum.