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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regret being older mum

506 replies

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:27

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

OP posts:
FancyRat · 07/10/2023 22:11

No, you're right @JustAMinutePleass. I have no right to engage in discussions with other people, including those who respond directly to me. Not degrading my own experiences to uplift others is a shitty thing to do.

Literally made no comment about op who has children at a very normal age and (fingers crossed) will be able to have more dc. I think there's been a pretty unanimous consensus about that.

Nepmarthiturn · 08/10/2023 00:19

What an odd thread. 31 is now the average age of a first time mother in the UK. How is it old"?

AllesAusLiebe · 08/10/2023 01:59

Nepmarthiturn · 08/10/2023 00:19

What an odd thread. 31 is now the average age of a first time mother in the UK. How is it old"?

It isn't anything unusual or abnormal. The op fucked off within the first pages, either because she realised that she was being an idiot, or the thread didn't turn out the way she planned. I think that someone with her naivety should probably gain a little more life experience before she considers any more kids, for their sake.

saffy2 · 08/10/2023 07:55

Hilariously apparently I’m wrong about my age 😂 mentioned yesterday to a friend that I’m 37 and pregnant and my boyfriend said no you’re not, you’re 38, about to be 39. 😂😂😂😂
so to amend my previous post, I was 25, 34 and will be 39 when having my children 😂👍🏼

Snkt · 08/10/2023 08:54

I had my first at 31 and in no way do I think it’s late! We were the first of our friends to have a kid and most still don’t have one. We are planning baby 2 to be born when I’m 34 and I literally never thought of how old I am or would be until now
who cares how old you are as long as you are fit healthy stable and able to take care of them?

Findinganewme · 08/10/2023 09:05

What makes you feel that 32 is older? Is it your social circle, colleagues, news, health concerns, or something else?

I had my first born a week after I turned 32 and I was one of the youngest amongst my group of friends, to have a baby. We had all been to university, worked in busy jobs, then got married and bought houses. I preferred it this way and felt that this was the ideal age.

life and challenges happened and I had my second just after I turned 39. I do feel that this is on the older side, but at least I got there, with a healthy child.

I don’t regret it. Life happens. We can not control every single variable, eg when we meet mr right or our own fertility.

what I do focus my energy on, is making memories together. I make a big effort on health and vitality. I have above average cardio fitness, my metabolic age is lower than my chronological age, I move every day and eat well as well as feed my family well. I celebrate all the festivities with gusto, decorate the house, take them on outings and let them have ice cream with giggles.

Hibiscrubbed · 08/10/2023 09:14

FancyRat · 07/10/2023 22:11

No, you're right @JustAMinutePleass. I have no right to engage in discussions with other people, including those who respond directly to me. Not degrading my own experiences to uplift others is a shitty thing to do.

Literally made no comment about op who has children at a very normal age and (fingers crossed) will be able to have more dc. I think there's been a pretty unanimous consensus about that.

I think they objected to you seeming to gloat about having your children in your early/mid twenties and frothing about your impending ‘empty nest’ by your mid 40s. Which, on a thread about a poster apparently panicking about being older as a mother, appeared goady.

FlipFlop1987 · 08/10/2023 09:21

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:27

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

These are pretty much my exact ages but DH is older. I was 31 for first baby, DH was 40, just had our second baby this week and I turned 36 two weeks ago and DH about to turn 45. We considered a third but DH would be 47/48 by then, I would be 38.
I have no issues having a baby at that age in theory, my Down’s test came back high risk this pregnancy but NIPT came back clear. My placenta wasn’t as good this time so had growth scans every 3 weeks but baby was born on 50th centile so perfectly healthy.
If I didn’t have to go through pregnancy again, I absolutely would have another baby in late thirties. I just really dislike being pregnant, it’s a marathon and much harder with other kids to look after. If you enjoy being pregnant then go for it!

Isthisasgoodasitis · 08/10/2023 10:56

I was 47 and my husband was 60 when my youngest arrived your fine

DottyLottieLou · 08/10/2023 11:08

There are pros and cons for both. There is stuff you would have missed out on if had them early too. I had my kids at the same ages as your first two. Absolutely no regrets. Just grateful i have them (mostly). Make the most of your life. What's the point in regretting something you can't change.

frumpalertt · 08/10/2023 11:16

Jesus Christ on a bendy bus, some of us haven't been able to have kids at all. Yet here you are, playing the world's biggest victim because <checks notes,> you have a couple of happy healthy kids and are financially secure.

Some people will create an emotional drama out of absolutely bloody anything.

DancingFruits · 08/10/2023 11:37

As a lot of PP have said, I don't think you should class yourself as an 'older mum' at 32. I had my first baby at 36 and a lot of people in my NCT class were also I'm their 30s and having their first. I personally feel glad I had my baby when I did. I'm settled and have financial security. I also feel like I have more patience now I'm older and my baby keeps me feeling young, as I walk everywhere with her. Try not to regret what you cannot change x

Paws81 · 08/10/2023 11:54

I had my boys at 32, 36 and 38.
I never planned to have children but eldest DS was a lovely surprise!
Currently they are 10 and 5, sadly my middle DS passed away, hence the age gap. If my middle DS had survived I would have stopped at 2 DS. Having said that, we love our rainbow DS and he completes the family.
I would say in honesty, having my 3rd at 38 was much harder physically, but once he arrived it was perfectly fine and I don’t regret being an older mum.
I got my 20’s child free and now I get to spend more time with my boys.

MamaBear4ever · 08/10/2023 12:18

First at 39 second at 41, not planned that way just hadn't met the person I wanted to settle down with. But I'm very content I've been and done lots of things whilst I was younger and now enjoying bringing up my kids.

Casperroonie · 08/10/2023 13:08

Oh please, thats hardly "late" 🤣🤣🤣. Thought she was going to say started late 30s / 40s. 🤣🤣

Casperroonie · 08/10/2023 13:11

How did you" wait"... at your age thats not even "older". 🤣🤣🤣

Disabledmomma · 08/10/2023 14:19

I was 32 having my first, fit healthy -ran marathons, swim and gym daily as well as working a 70-80 hour week.

A DV incident, just after dc1 was born uncovered spinal damage plus a condition that has robbed me of my mobility over the last few years. I had no symptoms at the time.
I had dc2 at 35 when my condition was stable. I had dc3 wheelchair-bound at 40.

My point is that you get one life to do the best you can at the time that's right- for you. Comparison IS the thief of joy. You never know what's around the corner ready to overhaul life as you know it.
Don't regret things or carry hate with you, it robs you of what's left of your life, which is precious.

Beautiful3 · 08/10/2023 15:15

I don't class 30s as an older mum?! My parents had me in their 40s, and now I'm caring for them. My sister had her last baby at 52!! She massively regrets that, as she feels too tired to chase her toddler. Peri menopause isn't helping her right now either.

NojudgementGem · 08/10/2023 15:31

But if you’d prioritised family you may have regretted not having your finances in order, you may be feeling the cost of living crisis more, etc. You can always wonder what if, but you’ll never know.
If it helps I just had my last baby at 39 and my partner is 47. Yeah we’re older but we don’t feel it. Don’t be put off having another if it’s what you want

Jem123456789 · 08/10/2023 15:44

That’s not old at all! I had my first DC at 32 and my second at 34. My sister had twins at 40 and my friend had her third child at 47! Zero regrets. In fact I couldn’t have comprehended having a child earlier as I was far too busy building a career, buying a house, saving money. You have time. Don’t stress!! I’m a young 54 year old now, loving life now they are grown and enjoying getting some freedom back whilst I have the money and health to enjoy it.

TurkeyLurkey4 · 08/10/2023 16:09

FWIW OP, I’ve had 2 kids at 32 and 34. We’re under financial pressure because of cost of childcare and there are times I wish I’d waited a bit longer. The grass is always greener. You could think of it very positively, in that by taking care of those material things first, you’ve taken the financial pressure of yourself, which can affect your relationship and your lifestyle. Sounds like you’ve made responsible life choices that will benefit your family. 👏🏼

Abitslow · 08/10/2023 16:17

I dont think 30s are old at all loads of mums have babies in their 30s.
i had my son when i was 19 he will be 19 in january only child.

I was called all sorts of young mum this young mum that you missed the best years etc ( thanks sis ). But i really did not miss much im more confident now than what i was when i was 19.

Then there was its gonna be so hard for you being a single mum ( thanks again sis )well when you was partying and sleeping around i was studying im now a health worker for young mums.

Sister had her second child at age 40 3 weeks ago had her first at 36 shes a single mum now love them all dearly but karma comes after years of bullying .
Im off to cuba for 2 weeks ( by sis im not your baby sitter )

There is always gonna be stigma at whatever age you have a child.
My cut of point would have been 34 for a baby but things dont always go to plan
i had him at 19 instead i wouldnt change it for the world .

MistyBean · 08/10/2023 16:29

Op I think your are the perfect age. People who have kids in their mid twenties have been an adult for less than ten years, in a lifetime where on average we will have fifty years of being an adult. However mature anyone in their twenties is, they still have limited life experience and there is a whole world out there.

Cetim · 08/10/2023 17:10

yanbu but you are not actually that old when it comes to parenting. I had my twins at 34 and I am due my 3rd at 38. I like you feel some way about the fact that I will be 60 with a 22 year old because I worry they will still need support and I will feel too old. I wish I had started younger but I just wasn't in the right place or relationship or financial situation. I definitely had them at the right time for me but I sometimes wish the right time was 5 years earlier. You may feel differently in a few years time when they are more independent.

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2023 17:15

MistyBean · 08/10/2023 16:29

Op I think your are the perfect age. People who have kids in their mid twenties have been an adult for less than ten years, in a lifetime where on average we will have fifty years of being an adult. However mature anyone in their twenties is, they still have limited life experience and there is a whole world out there.

Edited

Do you think life experience matters? In what way? I don't really think it does tbh. I was 21 having DD and 26 having DS (I'm 38 now) and don't think I'd have done anything differently if id had them 10 years later.