Page 17 | Regret being older mum

Oldermumhum · 2023-10-05T17:27:05+00:00

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40. I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then. Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/10/2023 14:39

31 is the average age nationally for a first child so you're not an older mum at all.

BananaPalm · 07/10/2023 14:44

Oldermumhum · 05/10/2023 18:39

One of the reasons for us to wait and build our lives first was that both me and DH came from families who didn't had much financial security and stability while growing up and that was an absolute priority for us to give to our children.

You and your DH acted sensibly and very responsibly. Now you can focus on your children and not panic whether you'll be able to pay the bills or be thrown out by some ruthless landlord.

You should be really proud of yourself.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/10/2023 15:21

The OP apparently has several homes and considers 31 to be ‘old’ to have children. I wonder if we’ve been trolled. 😂

FancyRat · 07/10/2023 15:31

MrsDanversChickenSandwich · 07/10/2023 14:11

it's almost like...we're all different.

who knew.

No shit

Panjandrum123 · 07/10/2023 16:27

@AndrewGarfieldsLaptop had mine at 37 and 39 (he was 42 and 44) because that’s how life worked out. Definitely wasn’t ready to have them in my twenties. You can sit around regretting your life choices or accept them and move on. If you want to have a third child do it if it works for you and your husband.

I did desperately want a third for a while but it wouldn’t have been the right thing on many levels (not least when it came to childcare costs), so we didn’t.

I worked with someone who had her DC at 47 and 49, which was incredibly hard but she was determined and it’s worked out alright.

SallyWD · 07/10/2023 16:29

Why do you regret it? It's really normal to have kids in your 30s these days. Most people I know have.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 07/10/2023 17:19

FancyRat · 07/10/2023 13:47

As someone who may be an empty nester by 45, I can't wait. I'll have more money and can enjoy my freedom. And I'll have grown up children to enjoy it with.

I think people who think young parents lives are over are the ones who seem to hate parenthood. Looking forward to having an empty nest (at any age) is normal and exciting

You say people who think young parents lives are over clearly 'hate parenthood,' then appear be rubbing your hands with glee at the prospect of all your children being gone by the time you're 45. Spectacular irony at its finest!

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 07/10/2023 17:34

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/10/2023 14:39

31 is the average age nationally for a first child so you're not an older mum at all.

Exactly this. That's why I find it hard to believe all the anecdata on here of all these women having their first baby at 43-44+.

The average is, in fact, 30-31 years old.

Birth characteristics in England and Wales - Office for National Statistics (ons.gov.uk)

And it's got fuck all to do with class or socio economic bullshit la la la. I know/have known women who are vicars, consultants, opticians, dentists, teachers, nurses, GPs, paediatricians, factory workers, checkout operators, bankers, sculptors, hairdressers, architects, graphic designers, musicians, artists, car mechanics, receptionists, admin assistants, nannies, childminders, engineers, florists, electricians etc etc. From working class to middle class to upper class. Dozens and dozens of women. Apart from 2, they ALL had their first baby by 37 years old.. The other 2 were 38 and 39... (The vast majority had their first baby by 33-34.)

Maybe some women DO have their first baby at 43-45 or older. I have just never met one. (And I live in a very middle class 'naice' area too. Full of very expensive properties. Some upper class folk here too.) Still, every woman I know in my village (of 700 people) had their first baby by their mid 30s. From the checkout operator to the admin assistant, to the farmer's wife, to the architect, and the sculptor. No first time mummies at 43+. Not one.

FancyRat · 07/10/2023 17:42

You say people who think young parents lives are over clearly 'hate parenthood,' then appear be rubbing your hands with glee at the prospect of all your children being gone by the time you're 45. Spectacular irony at its finest!

Oh it's you again. Yes, I'm looking forward to the next stage in my life when that time comes. I have a life of my own, I'm not going to be sitting sobbing when they leave, though I'll miss them of course.

Do your children disappear when they leave home? They're not dead are they? Mine certainly aren't.

Festivfrenzy · 07/10/2023 17:49

I voted YANBU cos you’re entitled to your feelings and childcare/career progression/life balance/timing everything is massively difficult, hugely personal to you only (sorry but men cannot comment on this as not the same impact no matter how hands on they are) and you can’t exactly change your mind if you decide halfway through parenting that you’d like to pause and go travelling for a year. However I had kids at 36 and 38 and whilst I totally agree with feeling (sometimes) that I wish I had the energy that I did when I was younger, I felt absolutely ready to have kids and not like I was missing out on single shenanigans like I would have if I’d had them younger.
So each to their own really- there’s always pros and cons and you only get one shot. My advice is make peace with where you are, think how many people would envy your career position/fun free life pre-kids or whatever else you did in the years before you had them, and make the best of what you have xxx

Hubblebubble · 07/10/2023 17:55

What an old or young mum is depends on socioeconomic demographic. So, if you're from a working class background you might feel like an old mum in your 30s, if all your peers started their families in their 20s. Which would make sense if you and your partner started working at 18. Whereas if you're middle class, you might not start earning properly until after atleast your first degree, so 22. Then you'll likely want to travel for a bit and career build. So, you'll likely not consider yourself an old mum unless youre in your mid 40s.

Alika · 07/10/2023 18:00

Hubblebubble · 07/10/2023 17:55

What an old or young mum is depends on socioeconomic demographic. So, if you're from a working class background you might feel like an old mum in your 30s, if all your peers started their families in their 20s. Which would make sense if you and your partner started working at 18. Whereas if you're middle class, you might not start earning properly until after atleast your first degree, so 22. Then you'll likely want to travel for a bit and career build. So, you'll likely not consider yourself an old mum unless youre in your mid 40s.

...Eh? I'm currently working through my second MSc and still feel like starting at 31 was "later".
Interestingly, during my first postgrad, a lot of research was based around the outdated class system. It's not a particularly reliable indicator these days.

Hubblebubble · 07/10/2023 18:05

@Alika if you don't mind me asking, are your friends mostly university educated too? Almost all of mine are, and only 4 of us (myself included) have children. We're in our early 30s. So, I feel like a young mother, because it's not the norm for my demographic. Whereas lots of people I went to school with, who left at 18 and started working straightway, got married in their mid twenties and have kids.

Hubblebubble · 07/10/2023 18:06

Which I thought made sense, as if you start working younger, you become financially secure sooner and it makes sense to start a family younger?

Alika · 07/10/2023 18:09

Hubblebubble · 07/10/2023 18:05

@Alika if you don't mind me asking, are your friends mostly university educated too? Almost all of mine are, and only 4 of us (myself included) have children. We're in our early 30s. So, I feel like a young mother, because it's not the norm for my demographic. Whereas lots of people I went to school with, who left at 18 and started working straightway, got married in their mid twenties and have kids.

I don't mind, all are apart from one (who went to college to become a mechanic). One doesn't use their degree, the rest are mostly in medicine, law and IT. If I think about it, it's almost the same number as yourself, as 5 of us (the minority) have children.
The youngest to have kids was 25, another at 27, then it was me (at 31). The others were later.

Ihadenough22 · 07/10/2023 18:15

A 1st child at 32 and a 2 nd child at 34/35 would be normal in a lot of area's.

Most of my friends decided that they wanted to go study after A levels to get a good job.
They got jobs, moved jobs, saved up and then got married. They bought a house and were financially stable before having kid's.
To me being financially stable and owning a property before having a kid or kids is a good thing.

I would also say that having 2 kids is fine. As kids get older it gets more expensive for food, clothing, footwear, extra circular activitys and education costs.
People are more aware that a woman over say 35 can have higher chance of having child with special needs and this rises as a woman gets older. Older man can also have a higher chance of a sn child or a child with autism.
I would not have a child with a man much over 40 for this reason.
I know a couple where he was much older than his wife. He was in his mid to late 40s when they had 2 kids. Both kids had autism and are now young adults who are unable to work.
They will both need long term support.

inquisitiveinga · 07/10/2023 18:25

Hey OP... thought I'd shed some light on my experience as a younger mum.

I decided to NOT wear my sensible hat and had my first child on my 21st birthday with a boyfriend from university. We continue to be great friends but he lives 200 miles away and ultimately things failed because we were from 2 very different parts of the country and missed family. Also, our son came into the world when neither of us had completed university, we had no house and no real career prospects. I also had hyperemesis and an emergency c section so my youthful body did not assist me in any way shape or form there. Our son also did not sleep for 3 years and I think I would have felt the same kind of knackered had I been 40 (it was horrific 🤣).

I have since completed my degree but MY GOD was it challenging. No money, no real life experience and navigating the world as a single mum was hard. I'm not saying this is every young mum's experience but I just thought I'd shed some light on how having them young can go.

I am now 26 and expecting my second child with my long term partner. We have a house and stable jobs, but he (despite being 38) wanted to hold off a bit longer. I insisted as I just want my baby making days over and done with and knew I wanted one more with him. I feel horrific, I have hyperemesis AGAIN and am struggling more now I have a 5 year old.

I really don't think there's a "right" way of doing things so don't fret. As you can see, my experiences to date have not been plain sailing and they've also been summarised in incredibly small nutshells. I'm sure you're a fabulous mum, don't you worry about your age! I bet you've got it more together than I have 😜

Wtha · 07/10/2023 19:28

Ihadenough22 · 07/10/2023 18:15

A 1st child at 32 and a 2 nd child at 34/35 would be normal in a lot of area's.

Most of my friends decided that they wanted to go study after A levels to get a good job.
They got jobs, moved jobs, saved up and then got married. They bought a house and were financially stable before having kid's.
To me being financially stable and owning a property before having a kid or kids is a good thing.

I would also say that having 2 kids is fine. As kids get older it gets more expensive for food, clothing, footwear, extra circular activitys and education costs.
People are more aware that a woman over say 35 can have higher chance of having child with special needs and this rises as a woman gets older. Older man can also have a higher chance of a sn child or a child with autism.
I would not have a child with a man much over 40 for this reason.
I know a couple where he was much older than his wife. He was in his mid to late 40s when they had 2 kids. Both kids had autism and are now young adults who are unable to work.
They will both need long term support.

I haven't heard much about men and their fertility until they are over 50.

eastegg · 07/10/2023 19:45

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 07/10/2023 17:34

Exactly this. That's why I find it hard to believe all the anecdata on here of all these women having their first baby at 43-44+.

The average is, in fact, 30-31 years old.

Birth characteristics in England and Wales - Office for National Statistics (ons.gov.uk)

And it's got fuck all to do with class or socio economic bullshit la la la. I know/have known women who are vicars, consultants, opticians, dentists, teachers, nurses, GPs, paediatricians, factory workers, checkout operators, bankers, sculptors, hairdressers, architects, graphic designers, musicians, artists, car mechanics, receptionists, admin assistants, nannies, childminders, engineers, florists, electricians etc etc. From working class to middle class to upper class. Dozens and dozens of women. Apart from 2, they ALL had their first baby by 37 years old.. The other 2 were 38 and 39... (The vast majority had their first baby by 33-34.)

Maybe some women DO have their first baby at 43-45 or older. I have just never met one. (And I live in a very middle class 'naice' area too. Full of very expensive properties. Some upper class folk here too.) Still, every woman I know in my village (of 700 people) had their first baby by their mid 30s. From the checkout operator to the admin assistant, to the farmer's wife, to the architect, and the sculptor. No first time mummies at 43+. Not one.

Show quote history

You have to remember that all the ‘anecdata’ is in response to a thread which had ‘older mum’ in its title. So it’s attracted them understandably. What’s genuinely ‘hard to believe’ is that women would come on a thread and claim to have had their children at a fictitious age!

Tessabelle74 · 07/10/2023 20:02

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 07/10/2023 17:34

Exactly this. That's why I find it hard to believe all the anecdata on here of all these women having their first baby at 43-44+.

The average is, in fact, 30-31 years old.

Birth characteristics in England and Wales - Office for National Statistics (ons.gov.uk)

And it's got fuck all to do with class or socio economic bullshit la la la. I know/have known women who are vicars, consultants, opticians, dentists, teachers, nurses, GPs, paediatricians, factory workers, checkout operators, bankers, sculptors, hairdressers, architects, graphic designers, musicians, artists, car mechanics, receptionists, admin assistants, nannies, childminders, engineers, florists, electricians etc etc. From working class to middle class to upper class. Dozens and dozens of women. Apart from 2, they ALL had their first baby by 37 years old.. The other 2 were 38 and 39... (The vast majority had their first baby by 33-34.)

Maybe some women DO have their first baby at 43-45 or older. I have just never met one. (And I live in a very middle class 'naice' area too. Full of very expensive properties. Some upper class folk here too.) Still, every woman I know in my village (of 700 people) had their first baby by their mid 30s. From the checkout operator to the admin assistant, to the farmer's wife, to the architect, and the sculptor. No first time mummies at 43+. Not one.

Show quote history

Tell us you don't understand averages work without telling us you don't understand how averages work 🙄

avocadotofu · 07/10/2023 20:07

That doesn't seem that old to me. I had DS when I was 34. I'm happy with our decision to wait until we were financially secure, owners etc, especially with the increased cost of living. Must people I know had kids in their mid to late 30s or early 49s.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/10/2023 20:07

I had last dc at 36 (dc3) and it felt not too old then, but now he”s 24 I feel I’m too old a mum. If I had my time again I’d have squished 3 dc in by aged 30/31. Parenting is a young persons game.

professionalnomad · 07/10/2023 21:01

First at 38 and second at 40. Everything hurts...

JustAMinutePleass · 07/10/2023 21:46

FancyRat · 07/10/2023 17:42

You say people who think young parents lives are over clearly 'hate parenthood,' then appear be rubbing your hands with glee at the prospect of all your children being gone by the time you're 45. Spectacular irony at its finest!

Oh it's you again. Yes, I'm looking forward to the next stage in my life when that time comes. I have a life of my own, I'm not going to be sitting sobbing when they leave, though I'll miss them of course.

Do your children disappear when they leave home? They're not dead are they? Mine certainly aren't.

It was a shitty thing to say in THIS thread where a mum is agonising about being an older mum.

FancyRat · 07/10/2023 22:03

It was a shitty thing to say in THIS thread where a mum is agonising about being an older mum.

What's shitty?