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Original poster

To step on MIL's toes?

252 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 11:48

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 05/10/2023 11:50

Just go and buy the shoes.

heldinadream · 05/10/2023 11:51

DustyLee123 · 05/10/2023 11:50

Just go and buy the shoes.

Word-for-word what I was going to say.

UncleHerbie · 05/10/2023 11:52

heldinadream · 05/10/2023 11:51

Word-for-word what I was going to say.

Show quote history

Thirded

IAmHeartless · 05/10/2023 11:53

DustyLee123 · 05/10/2023 11:50

Just go and buy the shoes.

Fourthed (or what ever it is)

chaos76 · 05/10/2023 11:54

Maybe your daughter wanted you to do this tradition and felt pressured to let her MIL to do it and now is trying to get back control of the tradtion you have together

Acheyknees · 05/10/2023 11:57

Just buy the shoes, you're over thinking this. I didn't know buying 'first' shoes was a thing.

phoenixrosehere · 05/10/2023 11:57

Buy the shoes.

MIL already bought the first pair for the oldest so there is no reason you can’t buy them for the twins. If MIL was so keen to do so for the twins, wouldn’t she have mentioned it already to your daughter since she was so adamant with the oldest?

It is really your daughter’s decision, not MIL’s.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 11:58
Grin

I really don't want to hurt her feelings.

We both look after the twins (MIL and I, obviously not at the same time) and swap tactics.

My daughter doesn't want to hurt her feelings and possibly jeopardise their relationship (which is a great relationship - we all socialise regularly).

Wouldn't be a problem if she didn't insist on buying the first pair.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/10/2023 11:59

I would text mil myself and say that the twins need their first pair of shoes. You were going to get them but her son mentioned that his mum likes to buy the first pair so just checking in with her to avoid any upset or misunderstanding.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 12:00

Acheyknees · 05/10/2023 11:57

Just buy the shoes, you're over thinking this. I didn't know buying 'first' shoes was a thing.

Well - it's MIL's tradition to buy the first pair as she has done for her other 9 grandchildren.

My 'tradition', bonkers or not, is the shoe fund for anyone to dip into.

OP posts:
Olika · 05/10/2023 12:01

I would go and buy.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 12:02

Hankunamatata · 05/10/2023 11:59

I would text mil myself and say that the twins need their first pair of shoes. You were going to get them but her son mentioned that his mum likes to buy the first pair so just checking in with her to avoid any upset or misunderstanding.

I think I have to - if that's not being cheeky.

Think my daughter may be mortified if she finds out.

OP posts:
eosmum · 05/10/2023 12:02

It was the same in our family, and I can't wait to start it when I have my own grandchildren.

I would text the MIL and say you were thinking the twins needed their first shoes, but you remembered she wanted to do that for the eldest, does she want to do it again or can you do it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/10/2023 12:02

Does her mother in law know they've been walking since August and wearing indoor shoes? (Or did she buy the indoor shoes?). If so she has had ages to offer to buy them if she was that bothered about it!

Poppasocks · 05/10/2023 12:03

If you all get on so well could you not all go together and go halves?

Sunshineclouds11 · 05/10/2023 12:04

Go buy them.

If anything, ask she wants to go halves.

I wouldn't text asking her if it's ok you buy your grandchildren shoes.

fungibletoken · 05/10/2023 12:05

"My daughter doesn't want to hurt her feelings and possibly jeopardise their relationship"

If this is a realistic possibility then as your daughter I'd probably drop MIL a quick text to say the DC need shoes and you're happy to get them, but just wanted to give the heads up as she's aware MIL was keen to get them before.

Then if MIL feels strongly maybe the three of you can go. If your daughter doesn't want to do that, though, it's her call and I'd probably buy the shoes and let her handle any MIL fallout.

Phleghm · 05/10/2023 12:07

"Was thinking of buying the twins' shoes at the weekend. Is this okay with you?"

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 12:09

All three of us regularly go out together and MIL is included (asked) as a matter of course when my daughter and I plan outings.

Was just thinking of not wanting to embarrass MIL 'money wise' - if you see what I mean.

Just feeling very awkward all round really. Between the rock and the hard place.

OP posts:
Knivesandforks · 05/10/2023 12:11

Phleghm · 05/10/2023 12:07

"Was thinking of buying the twins' shoes at the weekend. Is this okay with you?"

This, not a big deal. Really its your dd call

KookyAndSpooky · 05/10/2023 12:12

If you speak to MIL regularly then I would casually mention that you're seeing your DD for coffee and to pick up some shoes the next time you 'swap tactics'? She can then offer to pay if she wishes. Alternatively, your DD could invite MIL along on your shopping trip as you all get on so well. That way she isn't directly asking.

I wouldn't go over your DD's head though. It would upset me if my DM did that.

littlemousebigcheese · 05/10/2023 12:12

If she looks after them and sees them regularly than surely she knows they need shoes? Maybe it's a cost thing but she's embarrassed? Drop her a text but also just go buy them!

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 12:13

Phleghm · 05/10/2023 12:07

"Was thinking of buying the twins' shoes at the weekend. Is this okay with you?"

There's more than enough money, even for my daughter's other, older child.

The shoe fund is open access and we often make it a day out as our favourite shoe shop is a good way away. We usually go and feed the greedy fish afterwards. (I know ...)

The children love it.

OP posts:
Colourfulponderings · 05/10/2023 12:13

You sound lovely and thoughtful. I’d text her to tell her you plan to go and buy them but wanted to check she was okay with that.

That way there’s no pressure for her to pay for them but likewise she knows and has the chance to intervene rather than not getting the full sweep of all 11 children’s first shoes.

theduchessofspork · 05/10/2023 12:15

Op this is quite cracked

Buy the shoes