To step on MIL's toes?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

.. it all sounds lovely by the way

but you are overthinking it

That's just it - she may well want 'the clean sweep'.

And I daren't ask (at the moment).

Don't I know it!

How to keep everyone happy.

Torn about it really.

Buy the shoes. Just to add, this is a bit of a thing in my family also. My DCs are 18 and 23 now, but my DM purchased all the shoes and randomly underwear for many years.

How can she have rights over a tradition for grandchildren- buy the shoes

My mil bought Dts first shoes because of tradition. I thought it was a bit bonkers at the time (but grateful!), didn't realise it was a thing!

Surely the mil knows they'll proper shoes going into winter? I'd message her along the lines suggested above. Easiness solution would be to buy a pair each!

Yes! I do underwear! (Like my mum did.)

Should start a thread about bonkers family traditions.

This is where it starts. First shoes, first Christmas, first day at school. Nip it in the bud

This is type of batshit thing that people in my family stress over too, does my head in.

If DD sees MIL before the weekend she says along the lines of "oh gosh look at them, they're off, I'm going to have to take them for shoes at the weekend"

If MIL wants to buy said shoes she will then say so. Job done

I think you should text her, then she's been asked but your daughter doesn't have to do it and seem cheeky.

Doesn't bother me at all. I'll work around anyone and anything.

I know how hard it can be to accommodate people so I just go with the flow.

Why don’t you and other MIL buy the twins a pair each… 🤷‍♀️ then the cost is shared (if that’s an issue?)…. It’s a shared outing so nobody would be offended or feel left out?

So get the twins' father to ask? Surely?

What a palaver!

Can't your daughter just message her mother in law to tell her she is going with you to buy shoes and she is welcome to join you if she would like to

There are technicalities here. 🥴

@Nanny0gg

Tell me about it 😩

I'm concerned that my daughter will be seen as going against 'the tradition' and MIL might feel miffed.

Why do women do this to themselves and others? Can you imagine men getting het-up about who buys the shoes ffs? It's controlling and passive aggressive of MIL to assume her wants trump everyone else. And you never get to go out with your daughter without inviting her?! Sod that for a game of soldiers. I have adult DC and young DGC, and while I'll happily socialise with their partners' parents at big family functions, they don't enter my sphere of consciousness other than that. But if you want to play the game that MIL is queen to whom all others must defer then crack on.

The debil in me wants to shout "Come on MIL-Y! Get your chequebook out!

But I'm not yet sure she has our sense of humour.

Can't her OH speak to his mum and say kids need shoes, do you want to do it or shall we just go ahead....if she says go ahead its none of her business if parents pay or you pay

This. They're shoes ffs, not paying their university fees!

‘Hi MIL, DD was talking about getting the twins some proper shoes. I’d like to buy them from my ‘shoe fund’ but wasn’t sure if you wanted to get them for your ‘first shoes tradition? And I realise this makes us sound like the craziest grannies a kid could ever want….’

Quite right.

But I'm not sure I can ask SIL or ask my daughter to ask him.

It's getting a bit cloak and dagger.

And I thought I was trying to be fair - not passive/aggressive.

I'd message her and say as they're twins, shall we buy a pair each.That way you can use your shoe fund and it's takes the pressure off the MIL if 2 pairs are more than she wanted to spent at the moment whilst keeping her tradition.

I'm definitely a crazy granny - makes me want to buy one of those t-shirts.