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Original poster

To step on MIL's toes?

252 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 11:48

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

OP posts:
mumto2teenagers · 06/10/2023 10:21

Could you offer to go together and as it's for twins you could pay for a pair each

Lwrenagain · 06/10/2023 10:41

Just throwing it out there, but I'd absolutely love someone to buy me shoes.

Any takers? 😁

Also, absolutely lovely tradition, not bonkers at all, I shall be using that if I'm ever a nana myself!

Islandgirl68 · 06/10/2023 10:55

Sometimes traditions are good and sometimes they become a nuisance. My MIL spent quite a bit of Money on the first born, but years later, it became too much, 12 GC later and retirement. Maybe it sounded like a good idea with the first one, but became unaffordable by the time the twins came. Go buy the shoes.

JLM1981 · 06/10/2023 11:45

My mum has bought my 4 daughters their 'first' pair of shoes. She does it for all grandchildren. I would just text the water and ask 🙂

JLM1981 · 06/10/2023 11:45

JLM1981 · 06/10/2023 11:45

My mum has bought my 4 daughters their 'first' pair of shoes. She does it for all grandchildren. I would just text the water and ask 🙂

*test

Mooshamoo · 06/10/2023 12:18

I think it's such a ridiculous non issue. Woman up OP!

Just text her and say "I've noticed that the babies need new shoes. I can buy them , but I remember that you said that you like to buy the baby's first shoes. What would you like to do"

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 06/10/2023 12:20

Bellyblueboy · 06/10/2023 09:51

Why are you and your daughter trying to manage this woman? Where is her son in all this?

He probably daren't ask either.

OP posts:
Katela18 · 06/10/2023 12:55

I have zero advice really but came to say such a sweet tradition!

My parents in law always buy our kids their winter coats
My own parents always buy pjs, vests, socks, undies through the year
Plus ad hoc stuff they pick up.

I always think it's so lovely and my kids (3 & 1) love to be spoiled by their grandparents! Also, we are super appreciative (but not expecting) of the help.

In this situation I (the DIL) would message my MIL saying something casual "hey, we are headed to get Rosie and Jim some shoes this weekend, with the cold weather creeping in it's time! Did you want to come? No worries if it doesn't work for you". Or I'd ask hubby to do it. We do have a v transparent relationship though and speak very matter of fact.

Mooshamoo · 06/10/2023 13:32

Have you texted her yet

Just do it.

CatMattress · 06/10/2023 13:42

BarnacleBeasley · 06/10/2023 09:14

Okay, I've been overthinking this too in the meantime, and I think the solution is: OP, since you do think you should tell/ask the other granny, but your main worry about this is that she might not have enough money, you could text her and ask but make it sound like you would really like to be allowed to buy the first shoes (i.e. imply it's meaningful for you too, even though it isn't) but you know it's her tradition so she can have first dibs if she'd like to get the full house. That way, she can 'let' you have this one if she doesn't want to buy the shoes for any reason, but you don't have to create awkardness about money.

Just re-quoting this as I think it's an e3xcellent suggestion and wondered if OP had spotted it...

Alwaystiredmum123 · 06/10/2023 13:54

I just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely and thoughtful person! It’s so important to have good family relationships all round if you wish to spend time together. It sounds like you really make the effort!
I would message mother in law explaining that you are happy to buy them but didn’t want to stop her if this is a tradition she wishes to continue. Maybe you can go together :)

clarehhh · 06/10/2023 14:09

Go together and buy a pair each

Saz91x · 06/10/2023 14:25

It’s nice that you are all so close and it isn’t about sides. Often it is!
id say hey, I know you like to buy the grandkids first shoes and as the twins need new ones I was wondering if you where planning on taking them for some anytime soon as they could both do with the shoes as they’ve been walking since august now. Happy to go halves as there’s two and it’s twice the price.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 06/10/2023 15:49

Mooshamoo · 06/10/2023 13:32

Have you texted her yet

Just do it.

Nah - don't want to put her on the back foot.

Pun intended

OP posts:
ChimChimeny · 06/10/2023 16:00

I've just realised who you are @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche and I'm sorry to hear that your grandson and DH are still poorly.
You do indeed sound like a lovely mum/grandma 😍

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 06/10/2023 16:06

ChimChimeny · 06/10/2023 16:00

I've just realised who you are @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche and I'm sorry to hear that your grandson and DH are still poorly.
You do indeed sound like a lovely mum/grandma 😍

It's been an awful two year period. One thing after another.

I sat in the car crying after the school run - couldn't face going home.

And that's not because of the shoes 😬

OP posts:
HouseOfNoJudgement · 06/10/2023 17:06

This doesn’t need to be complicated. Just buy the shoes! If the MIL gets upset it’s easy to explain that they were needed and she didn’t want to ask and appear rude.

YerArseInParsley · 06/10/2023 19:33

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 11:48

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

I don't know about anyone else but this post is now stressing me out about shoes🤣

Me, I'm the kind of person that would just go ahead and get the shoes, my daughter asked me🤷‍♀️

BUT

If you feel you can't do that, just text MIL and say yous are going to get the kids shoes would you like to come? If yous go everywhere together anyway then it doesn't sound obvious you are mentioning shoes. If MIL says but I want to buy the shoes, just that's fine, we are going on Saturday at 11am or whatever tye arrangements are.

Just to follow up from a previous comment, I agree, it's a bit mad that you can't have a day out without MIL. I know you said yous all get along but come on, this is your daughter. Do you now feel obliged to invite her everytime yous go out? Would she cause a fuss if you had a mother/daughter lunch date?

LockedDownKnockedUp · 06/10/2023 19:50

Why don’t you message saying that you think the twins need their first shoes. As there’s two of them, maybe you could do one each and then that way you both get to carry tradition on this time?

Blondebrunette1 · 06/10/2023 20:26

Just give your daughter the money for the shoes and don't make it all about who actually bought the shoes? She knows, you know, the mil not the kids need to know xx

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 06/10/2023 20:56

You sound like a lovely conscientious family with some really nice traditions.

I think you're over thinking this, as we all do, trying to find the balance between not excluding MIL, and not pressuring her to spend a lot of money.

I would text 'Hi firstshoeMIL, I noticed the twins might be ready for shoes what do you think? I was going to buy some but remembered you like to do the first pairs. Happy to chip in as two if it helps, otherwise I ll save it towards some bits for Christmas for them. Insert unrelated pleasantry."

Luckyduc · 07/10/2023 10:26

Weird. Its your daughter and your grandkids, buy them what you want when you want. None of the MIL business.

LT1982 · 07/10/2023 20:05

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 11:48

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

As they are twins why dont you suggest buying one pair each?

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 13/10/2023 07:18

regardless of how the shoe situation gets resolved - you need to have some mum/daughter time alone without MIL. I think the whole tip toeing around this person needs to be stopped.

I would suggest you all go together and get shoes of your daughters choosing for the twins and you buy a pair each. Or 2 pairs of shoes for them. Just have a conversation about it.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 13/10/2023 11:05

MIL doesn't accompany us every time - she's a very busy person. Her social life is quite spectacular. I feel like a little brown mouse (country mouse) at the side of her. We just invite in case she's free. We thought it would be nice and we do enjoy her company.

There was a plot twist - it turned out that - she said that she thought that the pram shoes (fabric shaped shoes) that they'd been wearing were their first shoes. She didn't seem upset or offer to buy any further shoes.

We've not been shopping yet as other events have kept me busy this week. So hope to be going for shoes when we both get a free day, with or without MIL, she'll be invited when we arrange a date and the shoe fund grows a little every week in the meantime.

OP posts:
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