To step on MIL's toes?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

You've actually reinforced my point here, rather than answering it. You're centring the other grandma in all of this rather than the fact there are two small kids who need shoes and their parent who wants to get some for them. It's not about her and it's not about you but you are making it all about both of you.
If it's so important to keep her in the loop, her son should just give her a shout to say they are taking the he kids shoe shopping on X date. Then if she wants to pay, grand, if she doesn't, also grand. But it shouldn't be all about her wants here - let the parents parent.

This is yet another issue that makes me so glad I never had kids.

*I think you know MIL 🤔

If she knew MIL she'd know the name of the twins as well?!*

Nah - messing.

She's not called Janet.

Yes, as they're twins, you could buy one pair and mil could buy the other

There is no centring here, no hidden agenda, no malice.

Simply just too embarrassed to enquire about the monetary situation.

Let the grandparents help out - unless that's illegal on here

Forgot to @PinkArt

Two mothers in law. Twins. Each pick a twin and buy that twin a pair of shoes.

What a lovely problem to have. You all sound like a lovely extended family. Just ask her. Or say you want to buy the kids some footwear for the wet weather, should you get them shoes, or would she rather you got trainers or wellies. I liked the message about crazy grannies too.
My kids don’t have any active grannies, can I adopt yous?

Wish I had this problem 😂

I don't think you're modelling good behaviour to your daughter, OP. All of you are walking on eggshells around the MIL. Just say, "Fancy coming shoe shopping on Saturday? The twins need new shoes" - then you can either pay at the till or accept her offer to pay. No need for subterfuge or a Mrs Doyle fight over it, either.

Yes, pick the twin you like best

I never realized how many grannies have a 'shoe tradition' of some sort. My mum always bought my DC their shoes (Stride-Rite in the US) from the day they first started toddling. She believed in ONLY Stride-Rites for 'little growing feet'. Once DC started wanting to choose their own shoes she 'let me' start purchasing them.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

If your concern is financial for MiL I'd word it along the lines that 'Winter is coming and sturdy shoes are needed for the twins before the bad weather sets in' so you and DD are going shoe shopping 'soon' if she would like to come along. If she can afford the shoes, she'll accept, if not she'll decline. But I wouldn't put off getting good shoes simply because MiL 'can't afford them now' (if that's the case).

It's twins! Perfect. Ask her whether she wants to come along and you can each buy for one of them.

Buy the frickin shoes. They're your daughter's children.

I feel like some are thinking that I'm either a doormat or a dictator.

It won't put me off helping wherever I can. I'm fully aware that children need more help when their own children are young and also aware that they grow away from the family. I'll still be on hand.

When I'm supermarket shopping and think that an item is expensive (what isn't) I usually buy it for my daughters as well.

For example, butter, large blocks of cheese, coffee, hot chocolate, tin foil, kitchen roll, dish wash blobs, laundry blobs etc.

I don't shop as often as when my children were at home.

I try and buy the brands that they would normally buy - so I don't want snide comments saying I'm interfering or dictating.

I just look at prices and think that any little bits would be appreciated - my mum did the same, I used to receive 6 duck eggs every week 🥹 without fail (as well as other things), because she saw them as a luxury they didn't have when they were young.

I always go shopping with my daughters to make sure they pick out clothes for the grandchildren of their choice. I don't force them to accept my ways/choices at all.

I must say I'm feeling bad for helping as it's seen as detrimental to my children's welfare. I'm not allowed to parent once I have grandchildren?

And there are those posts which call parents up and down for not helping?

Parents can't do right for doing wrong.

It sounds bonkers to me. The children need shoes so why doesn't the mum just got and get them. All the worrying about the MIL and her tradition, it's the other grandma's tradition too hence the shoe fund. Forget the traditions, it's the children's feet that are important not the potential hurt feelings on both sides

@OhComeOnFFS

You made me laugh - there is a clear winner for the twin I like best!

😉🤣

I know how hard it can be to accommodate people so I just go with the flow

You really aren't going with the flow here!

I would stop making this about money. It's coming across as rather crass that you are placing the MIL's presumed finances at the centre of this. Either you or your daughter need to communicate properly.

Could your daughter invite her mother in law for day out with you all to pick shoes and whatever else want to do. Then when it comes to paying you can just pay if she doesn’t offer. Make it part of day out and then no one needs to ask or feel awkward

🥰

Don't feel bad for helping, ever!
My mum still does something similar as your shoe fund for me, she has a money box which she'll put her loose change in and every couple of months she empties it out and tells me to use it for my next shop. It is their way of helping out, sometimes it'll be quite a bit of money so she'll swap out the change for notes and give me £50.
The children all attend the local mosque and it's my parents who buy all the grandchildren their first Qur'an when they're at the right stage. The kids cherish them.

Aye - we're always procrastinating and beating around that bush. 🙄

I want to agree with other posters it’s lovely to see grandparents involved. I wish my children’s grandparents were as involved as you and so lovely you have traditions

You're being very kind and understanding towards your daughter's MIL. Honestly, I think just go and buy the shoes. Or, if I was your daughter, I think I'd just phone MIL and say 'So I was planning on getting DGD her first pair of proper shoes at the weekend - I know when we had older DGD you wanted to get her her first pair of shoes, so just wanted to check if you wanted to be involved? It is absolutely completely fine if not, we can easily get them ourselves and I don't want you to spend the money unnecessarily, but I also wanted to make sure I wasn't leaving you out - totally up to you!'

Execpt at the moment no-one has even given heer the option or is aware she knows the twins need or want shoes.