To step on MIL's toes?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

That's why we don't know what to do for best.

You could go with best for the children. Instead of best for the MIL.

I love this thread 😂

OP, my mom & dad have always brought my kids their shoes, including 'first' shoes.

When my youngest started school, MIL gave us the money to buy them.

No-one died and no-one was offended 😃

If you really are worried though, i'd just text your daughters MIL and say:

'we're potentially going shoe shopping this weekend, I know you like to buy all the first shoes so just checking I'm ok to get this pair or would you rather me not break your streak'

Ultimately this is all about power and being "involved"...on both grandmother's part.

If it was just about helping out financially then the help wouldn't be limited to shoes and underwear....it would just be a sum of money handed over to be spent on what was needed.
MIL wants the photo op of the "first shoes" OP wants to be the granny who buys all the shoes.

All this claiming you can't ask or hint is absolutely ludicrous.
Maybe MIL hasn't noticed or doesn't realise shoes are needed....or doesn't want to seem pushy. She has previously made it clear her tradition is first shoes, it's reasonable for to expect one of the parents just to ask!

If OPs DD can't ask (heaven knows why not) her OH should be able to.
OP shouldn't ask, and doesn't need to be there. She could just hand over the money....but she won't even suggest to her own daughter that someoshould ask MIL and is instead pretending she cannot afford it.

what sort of family is paying for shoes more important than just being able to talk about simple stuff.
Stop making excuses

Hmmmm - I've certainly rattled some cages.

We just need to avoid any hurt/offence and that's why it's become an elephant in the room.

Don't want her to feel she has to pay right now this minute, if she can't. Her tradition came from her family and is widely respected.

Whether traditions or 'routines' are right or wrong .... most people have things that they 'repeat' periodically.

'Hi Janet. Are you still doing that first shoe tradition as I'm planning on getting X some wet weather shoes this weekend and wasn't sure if you wanted to get them a pair first. Ta.'

I'm thinking that there's some lovely ways of messaging MIL here. Some people have a lovely way with words.

However way we put it - it forces MIL to either 'stump up' or break her widely spoken tradition - possibly 'proud tradition'.

We'll give it another week and keep the twins inside. (Just kidding.)

It's a no win situation.

Knowing the price of shoes this was my first thoughts.

Probably keeping her head down and hoping the tradition of buying shoes will never be mentioned again. Ever.

I think you know MIL 🤔

You sound really lovely and thoughtful but you’re overthinking this.

Just go and buy the shoes

Probably keeping her head down and hoping the tradition of buying shoes will never be mentioned again. Ever.

@Crumpleton

This is why it's so difficult.

What a load of fuss over nothing. What's so special about 'tradition' anyway.

If they’re twins buy them a pair each.

Try some communication...

Your daughter just needs to get her husband to say "Mum, the twins need their first proper shoes. Do you want to carry on your tradition and buy them this weekend?" If she says yes, then great. If she says no, then you can take them.

I just wanted to say how refreshing it is to read a thread about how people are being kind and thinking of others @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche. Of course, you need to message, pick the wording that feels least uncomfortable and send it..

I absolutely love your traditions, and these rituals are the glue that keeps families close. Just love them. Is there some kind of application form to join your family as an honorary member?

Jeez just ask her. If I was her I'd rather have the chance to buy 10 and 11 grandchild their first shoes than not.

It can't be that great a relationship if none of you can communicate over such a simple thing.

It's like when people come on and say "he's a great dad...but he never lifts a finger around the house or spends any time with the kids"

If she knew MIL she'd know the name of the twins as well?!

Traditions should be lovely things to do, not emotional enforcement.

Buy the shoes. The children need shoes. Your Dd has indicated that she would like you to buy them. She can claim ‘oh no, sorry I thought it was just first child’s first shoes.,,’ or leave it to her DH to tell his Mum to not take it personally.

I wish my mum had a shoe fund btw. My toddler has giant fucking hooves and grows out of his £50 shoes approximately every three months.

In all honesty by the sound of it the MIL has made such a thing about it being a tradition for her to buy her Grandchildren's first pair of shoes so can't be expected to not have someone mention that the twins are now in need of their first pair of shoes.

Just ask her...
"Hi little one's are due for their first pair of shoes, obviously as there's two of them just wondering if you'd like me to purchase one pair and you buy a pair"

This should be simple - your daughter should check with her MIL (via DH if possible) or if this doesn't happen then just discuss it the next time you are all out together. Say that you're happy to get them but also equally happy to get them some wellies, boots or trainers as they need more than one pair of shoes (obvs don't say this but Start-rite, Clarks etc. look out of place with some outfits and don't do well in puddles!). Is there a 'first pair of school shoes' tradition too? I think bright and breezy is the way to go. Is MIL a nice person? Is there an issue if you're handing her this much power to decide? I know my own Mum was a nightmare with anything she purchased - thought it gave her divine rights over anything and everything so very much not worth it and I should have refused more often.

Clarks toddler shoes are under £30 a pair.... it only gets really pricey once they've hooked you.

Can't you just ask if she would object?

You don’t want to offend the MIL by buying the shoes. At the same time you don’t want to ask in case she can’t afford it.

But the bottom line is that your DD asked you to go with her to get shoes as they are getting wet feet now.

I wouldn’t enter into communication with the MIL separately as that could upset your DD who just needs shoes, quickly, for her DC.
Just take your DD’s lead go and go get them.
Your DD then deals with any fall out but it seems there won’t be any fall out otherwise the MIL would have been on to it when their feet first became wet.