To step on MIL's toes?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

This is a bit bizarre.

MIL isn't bothered about your traditions so why are you so fussed about upsetting her and hers?

Your daughter obv wants you to buy the shoes. Probably needs them too (I'm assuming august shoes aren't suitable October shoes in this weather). If she wanted to approach mil she would've but she approached you. I think texting MIL may annoy your daughter.. she is an adult and surely capable of making this decision herself.

I'd go at the weekend. The way things are going she may just end up buying them herself or these kids in soft shoes may end up with soggy feet.

Sorry have I missed something?
Hi daughter,didn't your MIL say she liked to get first shoes? Has your DP checked with her first?

Seriously it's family just ask

I don't get it. Just buy the shoes. Say nothing to mil. She buys a pair of shoes for them. They have two pairs of shoes which is useful. Job done. If mil sees the other shoes just say 'oh yeah, bought them on xdate (after mil had bought the other shoes)'. A few white lies is fine in situations like these.

Surely it's up to the parents who buys the shoes and no one else's opinion matters.

When my DSs were small I just took them to the shop myself, just me and the DCs. Making arrangements with both sets of grandparents and taking an entourage into Clarks is just a bit much.

This whole drama is so infantalising of the actual parents! Their choice what happens re shoes, their choice if they talk to his mum or not. It feels mad to me that one grandma would ask the other grandma's permission to buy shoes for the grandkids. Where are the parents in all this strange, unnecessary stress?!

Sorry OP but this is such a NON ISSUE.
Please just go and buy the blasted shoes!

Yes - they had soggy feet (and trousers) recently after MIL let them loose in the park (early morning dew). That's probably why daughter wants shoes.

If that hasn't worked, I'm assuming its funding and that's why I daren't push the subject with MIL or son in law.

I wondering if we should wait?

Or I could get some trainers or wellies - so not first shoes.

Agree with the suggestion to just text the other grandmother and say, "we were just chatting about the twins needing their first pair of shoes. Me and DD have a shopping day planned next week and can get them then, but not Sur eif you want to be involved? Looking forward to seeing you for lunch on Tuesday (or whatever). xx"

Nice pun in the title, OP …

I feel sorry for your DD. She doesn't sound very assertive TBH and I hope she is not railroaded over other things WRT her children.

How sad for your DD that she can't just rock up to the shoe shop on her own terms without turning it into a massive palaver. By the time you all get there, her DC may have grown a shoe size.

I worked for a shoe shop for 4 years, and fit a lot of baby's first shoes. It is a really precious experience for the mother. Sometimes I saw a GP with them, who sat and watched, but I have never seen one take over. In fact, I would think it very bizarre if I saw a GP bringing them on their own, or making it all about them.

These firsts are very precious to a mother. I do hope that her MIL, and yourself are not taking over. It's OK if your DD/ DIL invite you along, but I think you are both very much overstepping the mark.

My own MIL had form for crossing lines, but I would have gone ballistic if she had started throwing her weight around WRT first experiences with my children.

What’s the problem with asking the other MIL? Hey MIL, we need some shoes for the twins, other grandmother has offered to buy them but just checking you weren’t planning to?

I can’t get over how many problems would be solved by simply asking the question.

What a lovely thread. In laws getting along and wanting to avoid hurt feelings - this might actually be against talk guidelines.

I'd text her OP, it's sweet of you.

I just tell my dc to let me know how much the dgc shoes have cost and then transfer the money.
I was a bit sad when the other granny bought shoes last time and then I got a grip and thought about the money I saved.

I HATE the word 'tradition'. It grinds my gears like no other. Its rough translation is: you are compelled to do what's always been done, no matter how bonkers, dull and dated this may be, and to throw aside your own inclinations because a 'set-in-your-ways' process means it's expected that you'll follow precisely that process. 'Tradition' is myopia. It's pressure to do things the way someone else wants them, and if others have other 'traditions' that conflict with these, well, too bad.

It's the reason I lack patience with the Christmas brouhaha and most weddings. We eloped, and have never been forgiven by my very small 'c' conservative in-laws for happening not to want the wedding they wanted us to have, when they barely contact DH as it is. It brings out the DM-wearing, aging rock chick in me, and makes me feel compelled to do precisely the opposite.

We wanted to buy our own child's first shoes. We did. Do what suits the child's parents, who might have entirely different ideas of 'tradition' (or lack of it) than others might expect of them. And good for them.

Can't your daughter just mention in passing to her MIL that she's planning to take the twins to get shoes, maybe as part of general chitchat about plans for the week?

Everyone is really close but no one can say anything??

Mother wants shoes for child who needs shoes. Buy the shoes.

Just text her and ask.

Honestly you're massively over thinking this. Just go and buy the shoes. Otherwise you'll have a very uncomfortable grandchild, walking around in tight shoes. Mil may never offer to buy shoes again, and it would be rude to ask.

@PinkArt

My feelings would not be affected if my daughter and son in law went and bought their twins' shoes. MIL's? Maybe?

There would be more money in my pot if they did.

I just do this to help my children out - like my mother did for me. It saves them money.

My daughter has only just returned to work after a year's maternity. I would probably say that they're appreciative of this bonkers fund. (I also buy kitchen items, including food, for them as well - every little helps).

We don't want to offend MIL if we just go and buy shoes. We also don't want to make her feel bad if she can't afford them right now.

Please dont text MIL if your daughter does not want.

Dont over think and buy the shoes. Your daughter has asked for them, you can afford them, it's about comfort of the grandkids not race between 2 grandmothers. If she is so rigid about this egoistic tradition, then she should have brought the kids to the store for shoe sizing by now.

Completely intentional. <cough cough>

You've said you often include her in plans so just contact her (or have your daughter do it) and say you are planning a shop trip that will include buying shoes for the twins does she want to come. Then she can say yay or nay and either volunteer to pay or not as she sees fit.

Maybe the MIL doesn't want to buy them as Clarks and Start-Rite are now £45 -£60 a pair, and there are 2 of them.

Maybe MIL is deeply regretting opening her mouth.

Yes - because we don't want to put her on the spot.