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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset about dp prospects

397 replies

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 09:38

I don't know what I wish to achieve by posting here but I need it off my chest.
Dp came from another country several years ago and was granted work permission last year I helped him get work through an agency in a factory setting but it's only minimum wage and he has relatives back in his home country who are always looking towards him for financial help due to extremely low wages there.
Dp attended school in his home country but he left at age 14 to work and help his family who where quite poor.
Dp said there was no such thing as leaving school with grades etc and he was never able to release any potential.
What I've found is that dp is actually very clever and appears to pick things up very quickly and is very capable but we are stuck we can't afford training and he is working full-time so no time and I've helped apply for jobs but we are finding his cv is very tricky as hardly any work history here in the uk and no UK education.
He is never selected on any job application rejection after rejection and he is 46 now.
His current employer is so happy with him thinks he's great etc but it's minimum wage and he can't increase his income or learn new things. Please go easy on me I'm upset about this.

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Zimunya · 05/10/2023 12:24

talknomore · 05/10/2023 10:13

I think he may have to tell his relatives to stop asking for money. Thst money should be spent on him bettering himself. Eventually... 5-6 years down the line the same amount won't be an issue. He must have promised he would send help. He can apologise ad tell them to back off.

@talknomore - it's clear that this is a large part of the problem for OP and her DH, but it is not so easy to cut off help. If her DH is from Africa (as I am), I can tell you that the money from the diaspora is often the only difference between eating and starving. There is no social support whatsoever - if the harvest fails, and / or no-one in the family has a job (and unemployment is rife) you literally starve to death. It is impossible to condemn your relatives to that fate, even though their dependence on your income is causing a great financial and emotional strain on your own marriage.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:25

So many helpful suggestions on here I will keep referring back to try and guide myself.
I am quite disorganised due to adhd well I'm gathering that's the cause.

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Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:26

This is his situation spot on

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Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:27

Zimunya
That's spot on with his situation

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Zimunya · 05/10/2023 12:30

Beezknees · 05/10/2023 12:10

I was a teenage mum and have no A levels or degree, only ever worked crap jobs. My current company don't care about qualifications, they take on people from all walks of life and you can work your way up as long as you put in the effort. I'm on track to be on £34k in a year, not huge but a nice amount for someone with absolutely no skills or education. Opportunities are out there.

I just wanted to celebrate your achievements, Beezknees! 🌻

Zimunya · 05/10/2023 12:32

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:27

Zimunya
That's spot on with his situation

I feel your pain, @Desperatetime I'm so sorry you're both in this situation. Lots of good advice here about free courses though, which would be a great start, and will beef up his c.v. Good luck 🍀

PikachuChickenRice · 05/10/2023 12:32

IslaWinds · 05/10/2023 10:31

? Wtf? It’s not the relationship that is the problem, it’s the hostile environment towards immigrants that is the problem.

Show quote history

How exactly is this a 'hostile environment'? Why should a country be offering free training etc to improve the prospects of people who don't have permanent right to reside?
OP you have two problems here:

  1. Assuming responsibility for your husband's relatives. I get it, I'm from a similar country. People think the UK is the land of milk and honey and while to a certain extent it's true, even minimum wage in the UK is a lot in our currency. Your partner isn't a single man sharing a room with 20 other people in order to send money home as if often the case. He's trying to live a proper life, with you, and that's taking up all his money. So he can't help his relatives, unless YOU are willing to sacrifice your lifestyle.
  2. Qualifications. With his background he's very unlikely to get anything 'official'. You need to stop thinking like a UK citizen and start thinking like an immigrant. There's a huge shortage of builders etc - can he do some physical work, and then get funded to train? Can he work for a small business and eventually take on more responsibility?

Immigrants who 'make it' don't usually upskill into cushy office jobs they find work within their own communities, business etc then slowly build up. Your partner is at a massive disadvantage coming here blind. Of course try charities etc etc but the job market is terrible now. I work in tech, usually the PREMIER option for people wanting to get rich quick and there have been loads of redundancies, people laid off, etc.

Post on the local FB page as well - see if anybody's looking for employees?
Cleaning, caring all can lead to other opportunities like starting your own business as well.

horseyhorsey17 · 05/10/2023 12:32

A lot of companies within the facilities management space will take on employees at shop floor level as cleaners, receptionists, security guards etc and grow them through the organisation, and also pay for apprenticeships for them to increase skills along the way. Mitie, OCS Group, Churchill Group for starters. It might be worth your partner exploring this.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:33

Beezknees
Are you able to disclose your company would love for somebody to just give him a chance

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MojoMoon · 05/10/2023 12:37

To be honest - if he is failing at interviews at McDonalds or other restaurants and retail, it probably isn't because he doesn't have any GCSEs etc. If that was an issue, he wouldn't get called for interview at all.

If he is getting interviews and not jobs, then he is doing interviews badly. Unemployment rates are still low by historical standards and hospitality industry still short of staff so if he isn't getting offers after interviewing, it suggests that the way he presents himself if an issue.

Where is the country are you based and someone may be able to steer you towards a charity or course that can help him learn to interview better.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:37

PikachuChickenRice
I see what your saying but unfortunately he wouldn't have been able to remain here without been in a relationship with myself he would have been back in his home country suffering like the relatives he tries to help.

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Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:38

MojoMoon
He's never got to interview stage

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Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:39

We are West Midlands

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babyproblems · 05/10/2023 12:39

Have you had a look at coursera? If I was in his position I’d be seriously considering a total re-training even if it took some time and had to be evenings etc. An apprenticeship or even a new career he hasn’t considered yet? I say this as someone who is currently retraining as a UX Designer. I have some relevant experiences already in a similar field but many do not. Best of luck xx

Summerishere123 · 05/10/2023 12:40

Why doesn't he do an apprenticeship and learn a trade?
People of all ages can do them now. I used to teach on them and there were a few men his age learning bricklaying or electrician trade.

TiredArse · 05/10/2023 12:41

Can he not do an ESOL reading and writing course either in person or online? They are usually free. Then from that he can move into other courses.

Realistically, until his written English improves he will be stuck.

PikachuChickenRice · 05/10/2023 12:41

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:37

PikachuChickenRice
I see what your saying but unfortunately he wouldn't have been able to remain here without been in a relationship with myself he would have been back in his home country suffering like the relatives he tries to help.

Well that's my point. You're his meal ticket.
@Zimunya , I understand you cannot condemn relatives to essentially death I myself have had a similar situation but as OP stated above she is the reason he can stay.
I don't understand what he was doing before you met him OP - if he's been here several years - was he working illegally, living in overcrowded conditions and sending more money home?
Now that he's met you - obviously your living expenses as a proper partnered household are going to be much much more.

What I'm trying to say here is that it's not just increasing his wage that's the issue. he can earn even 30K but if your outgoings are going to be massive due to needing to send relatives money you will always be on edge.

So you need to put a stop to that first before you focus on the job. The UK currency is much stronger, whatever little you can send should be enough - not demands for more and more.

I faced this with my relatives, giving enough to keep them from starvation was not the issue it was the increasing demands for all sorts of things and eventually I put my foot down.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:41

Dp says some of his friends from similar backgrounds have done training and spent hundreds but still haven't managed to secure decent jobs.

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ferretface · 05/10/2023 12:42

This sounds random but jobs like chimney sweep only require the kit and maybe a basic course on how it works (easier to set up as not sure it's truly accredited like other trades). It can be flexible and there are a lot of people with woodburners, you're supposed to have them swept every 6 months. Could be an option if he had any way of funding the initial set up?

HermioneWeasley · 05/10/2023 12:42

IME retail is an industry where you can join with no qualifications and with hard work and common sense, can build a good career. Money at management levels can be good too - manager of a big supermarket with some experience under their belt will be on £60k+ and £90k+ for really big stores

jeaux90 · 05/10/2023 12:42

www.gov.uk/guidance/find-a-skills-bootcamp

Have you looked into these?

ferretface · 05/10/2023 12:43

BTW the last chimney sweep we had to do ours had career changed from the police - it's a potentially lucrative job.

PikachuChickenRice · 05/10/2023 12:45

Summerishere123 · 05/10/2023 12:40

Why doesn't he do an apprenticeship and learn a trade?
People of all ages can do them now. I used to teach on them and there were a few men his age learning bricklaying or electrician trade.

I would definitely go this route.

Janieforever · 05/10/2023 12:45

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:41

Dp says some of his friends from similar backgrounds have done training and spent hundreds but still haven't managed to secure decent jobs.

Your replies are confusing me, they seem evasive or defeatist. If he’s 46 he’s got over 3 decades of work experience, irrelevant of country, he will have transferable skills, if he has poor written English and has been here a a few years there are plenty of resources he could have used to fix this, if you can drive you can teach him.

if you wish to progress then he needs to actually start doing these things

and what was his plan? Both your plan? You both must have know no qualifications, poor literacy and no driving ability would be a major hurdle?

Original poster
Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:46

PikachuChickenRice
So many times I've wondered if he'd be better off on his own dp doesn't want us to part says he loves me is used to life with me that he respects the help I've given him etc etc.
On his income alone he still can't increase the money to relatives unless of course he lives in a shitty house share he may manage then but he only has his visa because of me.

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