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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset about dp prospects

397 replies

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 09:38

I don't know what I wish to achieve by posting here but I need it off my chest.
Dp came from another country several years ago and was granted work permission last year I helped him get work through an agency in a factory setting but it's only minimum wage and he has relatives back in his home country who are always looking towards him for financial help due to extremely low wages there.
Dp attended school in his home country but he left at age 14 to work and help his family who where quite poor.
Dp said there was no such thing as leaving school with grades etc and he was never able to release any potential.
What I've found is that dp is actually very clever and appears to pick things up very quickly and is very capable but we are stuck we can't afford training and he is working full-time so no time and I've helped apply for jobs but we are finding his cv is very tricky as hardly any work history here in the uk and no UK education.
He is never selected on any job application rejection after rejection and he is 46 now.
His current employer is so happy with him thinks he's great etc but it's minimum wage and he can't increase his income or learn new things. Please go easy on me I'm upset about this.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 14:03

LIZS · 07/10/2023 13:58

But you spending more on them than him! What outgoings does your p have if he has no ready cash to spend? He cannot afford the £400 himself. I suspect he has given the impression of earning more, having a flash lifestyle and a white British partner willing to house him.

His outgoings are mine and his together I manage everything he doesn't hold any cash and never even looks at the bank account

OP posts:
Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 14:05

Pretend for few months that there is an issue with internal transfers... Bet you no one will starve. But he will have money for course and then you can see how much he really (if) wants it

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 14:07

Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 14:05

Pretend for few months that there is an issue with internal transfers... Bet you no one will starve. But he will have money for course and then you can see how much he really (if) wants it

Edited

Would love to try this

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/10/2023 14:08

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 12:53

Janieforever
I guess I'm saying I don't know if all the effort of training etc will lead to anything due to possible prejudice like his friends may have suffered who knows

Have you thought of somewhere like Timpsons? https://www.timpson-group.co.uk/working-for-us/who-we-recruit/

Who We Recruit - Timpson Group

https://www.timpson-group.co.uk/working-for-us/who-we-recruit

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 14:11

widowtwankywashroom
I've asked myself that but we do get on very well in alot of ways.

OP posts:
PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 14:11

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 14:07

Would love to try this

Show quote history

You should definitely do this.
Or if you want to go nuclear tell them his company has money issues and is not paying staff, they are going to court blah2.
See what happens.

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 14:12

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 14:11

widowtwankywashroom
I've asked myself that but we do get on very well in alot of ways.

He seems to be causing you more stress than peace. And you think it's worth because you get along well... in 'a lot of ways'? Hmm.
I don't know OP. I mean. We've all had our fair share of relationships like this.
I think if you have to justify and rationalise it's not great.

You know when women on here list their husband 'cooks', does housework blah but there's 'one thing' that's bad.. and then as you get deeper into the thread a whole list of red flags appear.

We're socialised into having our bar so low. We accept whatever scraps we're thrown. Rather than angling for everything that we deserve.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 14:16

PikachuChickenRice
We thought for his visa how to forget all of that and throw it away.

OP posts:
Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 14:17

You are not throwing anything away. He is

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 14:20

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 14:12

He seems to be causing you more stress than peace. And you think it's worth because you get along well... in 'a lot of ways'? Hmm.
I don't know OP. I mean. We've all had our fair share of relationships like this.
I think if you have to justify and rationalise it's not great.

You know when women on here list their husband 'cooks', does housework blah but there's 'one thing' that's bad.. and then as you get deeper into the thread a whole list of red flags appear.

We're socialised into having our bar so low. We accept whatever scraps we're thrown. Rather than angling for everything that we deserve.

Edited
Show quote history

Ultimately you are not responsible for his visa. You are responsible for you.
Look it's up to you. Once he gets ILR he is free and you don't know what he's going to do then. He might leave, and that's entirely his right. Just like how anybody in any relationship can.

But if he he needs the 10 year route that's a long time... if you are guilted into staying with him because of his visa then it's you who's being trapped and imprisoned. Not him. So he has managed to restrict your freedom too.

Perhaps you think he's the best you can get... so all this is worth it.. take it from another damaged individual, it's not. It never is. But we are constrained by our own beliefs.

@Normalsizedsalad exactly, It is simple he just needs to stop sending money to his family. Why is he not doing that?

You are doing nothing wrong here. He is.

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 15:20

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 14:07

Would love to try this

Show quote history

You can absolutely try this or tell him your son is needing more money. I would love to see how much he actually cares about your son and if he would be willing to forego money for his family which he has been sending for years, to your son who is more or less getting on with it, conveniently out of the way, so he can and working hard to build his future who might need extra topping up, as many students do as it’s expensive living on your own it’s hard to budget well at that age etc are you afraid of his reaction? Is that what’s stopping you? Because then you’ll know this relationship is probably a whole lot more red flaggy than you think. And maybe you don’t want to face up to that as ignorance is bliss.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 15:48

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 15:20

You can absolutely try this or tell him your son is needing more money. I would love to see how much he actually cares about your son and if he would be willing to forego money for his family which he has been sending for years, to your son who is more or less getting on with it, conveniently out of the way, so he can and working hard to build his future who might need extra topping up, as many students do as it’s expensive living on your own it’s hard to budget well at that age etc are you afraid of his reaction? Is that what’s stopping you? Because then you’ll know this relationship is probably a whole lot more red flaggy than you think. And maybe you don’t want to face up to that as ignorance is bliss.

Show quote history

Not at all dp is okay and doesn't mind me sending ds money and extra as needed.

OP posts:
Againstmachine · 07/10/2023 15:53

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 10:23

And he’s paying into his own pension. Honestly op I am shocked you don’t think there is anything strange about this whole set up. Where is the mother of his kids? I highly doubt they are divorced unless you’re going to tell me she’s dead.

Show quote history

Apparently from the OP she has passed away.

This might be why he can't get help from his own community locally he's shacked up with a English woman out of wedlock, whilst still married.

Are you 100% sure his wife has passed away and this isnt someone else you are supporting.

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 15:54

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 15:48

Not at all dp is okay and doesn't mind me sending ds money and extra as needed.

Show quote history

No I meant money for your son’s increased costs or debt that your do needs to rein in what he sends to his own family. When it directly impacts him/his own family, how will he react? The point is you get him to restrict what he sends over there and tell him your son now is in the position his family has been where he’s got himself into a bit of student debt, shoe on the other foot how would he feel. And your son imo is more deserving because he is working hard at uni to better his further unlike the lazy shits he’s sending money to.

LIZS · 07/10/2023 17:10

Not at all dp is okay and doesn't mind me sending ds money and extra as needed.

He is hardly in a position to argue and why would he rock the boat.

NonMiDispiace · 07/10/2023 17:23

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 07:09

£400 is sent every month then sometimes extra amounts for certain other expenses.

When the average salary is c£170?
He’s ripping you off OP.
https://bdeex.com/en-gb/pakistan

Salaries in Pakistan in pounds sterling, average salaries in 2023 and 2022 | BDEX Great Britain

Average salaries by profession and type of activity in Pakistan in pounds sterling. BDEX Great Britain.

https://bdeex.com/en-gb/pakistan/

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 17:45

NonMiDispiace
Maybe they are in the poor minority

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 17:50

NonMiDispiace · 07/10/2023 17:23

When the average salary is c£170?
He’s ripping you off OP.
https://bdeex.com/en-gb/pakistan

Edited
Show quote history

It's true that I've never seen evidence of his brothers and children's wages but that is a very interesting link.
I feel that rather than him taking advantage of me it's more they are taking advantage of him

OP posts:
widowtwankywashroom · 07/10/2023 18:03

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 17:50

It's true that I've never seen evidence of his brothers and children's wages but that is a very interesting link.
I feel that rather than him taking advantage of me it's more they are taking advantage of him

Show quote history

When are you going to wake up and smell the roses?

Blinkityblonk · 07/10/2023 21:12

I send my dd approx that amount every month for university, and the Op is (between her and her ex) also sending £320 plus phone, plus Spotify for one person, so around £400 a month. I don't see why paying for her son is ok and paying for his sons/daughters isn't ok. He earns slightly more, he sends slightly more, she earns slightly less, she sends slightly less. Both are subsidising the next generation (and in his case, brothers and sisters). I don't find this outrageous but clearly lots do.

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 21:27

Blinkityblonk · 07/10/2023 21:12

I send my dd approx that amount every month for university, and the Op is (between her and her ex) also sending £320 plus phone, plus Spotify for one person, so around £400 a month. I don't see why paying for her son is ok and paying for his sons/daughters isn't ok. He earns slightly more, he sends slightly more, she earns slightly less, she sends slightly less. Both are subsidising the next generation (and in his case, brothers and sisters). I don't find this outrageous but clearly lots do.

OP's son is in university. Not only will the contribution end in a short period of time, parental contribution is also expected and factored into the amount of maintenance loan he gets. So she should contribute. Also when he's a working adult presumably he'll get a job and pay for himself.

Unlike the DP's feckless family. He is not only subsidising full-grown, working adults - but TWO generations of them. HIs siblings, and his children.

Contribution to eventually make something of yourselves is fine. Handouts for the rest of your life isn't. HTH.

Especially for the ungrateful who keep moaning about wanting more, for evermore.

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 21:27

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 17:50

It's true that I've never seen evidence of his brothers and children's wages but that is a very interesting link.
I feel that rather than him taking advantage of me it's more they are taking advantage of him

Show quote history

Then he needs to grow a spine as by allowing them to do so he's also taking advantage of you.

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