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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset about dp prospects

397 replies

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 09:38

I don't know what I wish to achieve by posting here but I need it off my chest.
Dp came from another country several years ago and was granted work permission last year I helped him get work through an agency in a factory setting but it's only minimum wage and he has relatives back in his home country who are always looking towards him for financial help due to extremely low wages there.
Dp attended school in his home country but he left at age 14 to work and help his family who where quite poor.
Dp said there was no such thing as leaving school with grades etc and he was never able to release any potential.
What I've found is that dp is actually very clever and appears to pick things up very quickly and is very capable but we are stuck we can't afford training and he is working full-time so no time and I've helped apply for jobs but we are finding his cv is very tricky as hardly any work history here in the uk and no UK education.
He is never selected on any job application rejection after rejection and he is 46 now.
His current employer is so happy with him thinks he's great etc but it's minimum wage and he can't increase his income or learn new things. Please go easy on me I'm upset about this.

OP posts:
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Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 11:25

Yes, it is the expectation that he helps. But why should you? They are not your problem. Hard-hearted as that may seem.

This is likely to continue for ever, as the Pakistani economy is in deep trouble.

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 11:30

You do know the problem isn’t him sending money to family. That’s what many do. The problem is how much and to whom and to your household’s detriment. Many over there have solar power including most in my family’s relatively poor village, maybe he could look into that and other ways of reducing bills. Won’t cost what they do over here. ££ gets you a lot more over there than over here.

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 11:33

You have your own child fgs. A decent man would not being doing this as he would know your own child deserves better but nope, he’s putting his own first. Think about that.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 12:12

WomanHereHear
Admittedly I do find the 400 alot has for my own child I am supporting him by sending a weekly amount and I send him extra when he runs short. My son is almost 23 and will hopefully will earn a decent wage when uni finishes he will also inherit money and a house

OP posts:
WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 12:23

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 12:12

WomanHereHear
Admittedly I do find the 400 alot has for my own child I am supporting him by sending a weekly amount and I send him extra when he runs short. My son is almost 23 and will hopefully will earn a decent wage when uni finishes he will also inherit money and a house

Yes I gathered he was university age but still your child who I assume you want the best for rather than sending money to someone else’s adult children, just because your son will be in a good position doesn’t mean he’s less worthy just because he isn’t a charity case. Anything can happen and I’d be making sure my son’s future is more than secure first. I understand if you want to fund your own retirement, do hobbies etc then it makes sense not to do too much for your own child. I don’t know if your son knows all this and how he would feel in the future if perhaps things haven’t gone to plan for him for whatever reason.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 12:28

WomanHereHear
My son seems okay but has commented he thinks it's awful what I send and thinks I could do so much for myself with 400

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 12:29

WomanHereHear
Tell me something I can do for my son right now I'm upset and confused.

OP posts:
Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 12:41

Op how much are each of you bringing home ? Not combined

LIZS · 07/10/2023 12:43

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 12:29

WomanHereHear
Tell me something I can do for my son right now I'm upset and confused.

Stop subbing people you don't know? Where does your p money go if you are paying £400 out? Or is that just your contribution towards a larger amount?

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 12:45

I’m really sorry to hear that. What if you told him that your son accommodation cost has increased and you’re going to have to help him out more and that he’d have to rein in what he sends over there, not stopping it entirely but cutting in half or something. I mean I don’t even understand why you can’t just say what you’ve said here, it’s too much surely he should respect that. Don’t let him fob you off when you bring it up.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:03

Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 12:41

Op how much are each of you bringing home ? Not combined

I bring £1000 a month he brings £1375 per month this is net figures after tax, insurance, and pension.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:10

The 400 is alot for us but its nothing to them as its split between several families his brother has apparently been in a situation of not even having the money to pay for transport to work.

OP posts:
PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 13:12

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 12:28

WomanHereHear
My son seems okay but has commented he thinks it's awful what I send and thinks I could do so much for myself with 400

You said earlier he was from an African country OP!
Pakistan is completely different. Nobody's going to starve. As a PP said they have land, animals to grow food etc.
£400 is too much.
I am sorry but your son is the only one who has his head screwed on in this situation.

Also if he's from Pakistan there are PLENTY in the UK, business owners etc all quite well off who would give him a chance you don't need to faff about with trainings and the like. The fact he won't reach out to any means he doesn't really want to improve.

Who knows - he has these contacts lined up already. As soon as he gets permanent residency he can dump you and off he goes to earn more money and keep it all for himself.

You are being lied to for sure about one thing - the urgent need to send £400 home every month.

Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 13:13

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:03

I bring £1000 a month he brings £1375 per month this is net figures after tax, insurance, and pension.

Show quote history

Are you both paying proportionately into the household expenses and then each has something left? Have you done actual calculation on money in and out on paper so you can actually see it on black and white?

Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 13:14

@PikachuChickenRice he must know some and had to reach out before if he had jobs during the no papers period. No way would anyone else give him job really.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:18

PikachuChickenRice
It's not that simple where to find these business owners he doesn't know any and if he did he wouldn't be able to live with me as they would likely be in another part of the country.

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Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:19

Normalsizedsalad
Yes we have and it doesn't look so bad on paper he doesn't carry any money I have full control and manage everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:22

We have even looked at him on his own and no way would he manage anymore than 400 even that amount would leave him short probably.

OP posts:
Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 13:22

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:18

PikachuChickenRice
It's not that simple where to find these business owners he doesn't know any and if he did he wouldn't be able to live with me as they would likely be in another part of the country.

You live in West Midlands? He is Pakistani? There is quite some community?

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 13:22

I think you should go away for a little break. Visit your son. Or visit family. Anywhere you can think clearly about this situation on your own. A little therapy might also help if you can access it.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:24

Normalsizedsalad
He only knows any pakistani people in other parts of UK.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:26

Some people in Pakistan talk absolute rubbish about him reckon he earns £3000 net per month but his relatives are still struggling.

OP posts:
Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 13:27

You are an enabler, Op. Sorry.

It's excuse after excuse. I know you mean well but I am getting really more and more sure Pikachu is absolutely spot on.

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 13:28

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:18

PikachuChickenRice
It's not that simple where to find these business owners he doesn't know any and if he did he wouldn't be able to live with me as they would likely be in another part of the country.

They will know others who are local. Everyone helps each other out.
I've helped people from home country in other parts of the UK, so have others , people have helped me. Every immigrant knows this.
Being white British if you lived in the UK all your life you may not understand but these things are always possible people go out of their way to help others from their home country because we know how hard it is. He just doesn't want to put in the effort.

Or maybe has sullied his reputation? Idk.

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 13:28

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 13:26

Some people in Pakistan talk absolute rubbish about him reckon he earns £3000 net per month but his relatives are still struggling.

why is this your problem? You are worrying about what some people you don't know are saying about a man you are not married to and have no children with on the other side of the world?