So upset about dp prospects

[Desperatetime]

I don't know what I wish to achieve by posting here but I need it off my chest.
Dp came from another country several years ago and was granted work permission last year I helped him get work through an agency in a factory setting but it's only minimum wage and he has relatives back in his home country who are always looking towards him for financial help due to extremely low wages there.
Dp attended school in his home country but he left at age 14 to work and help his family who where quite poor.
Dp said there was no such thing as leaving school with grades etc and he was never able to release any potential.
What I've found is that dp is actually very clever and appears to pick things up very quickly and is very capable but we are stuck we can't afford training and he is working full-time so no time and I've helped apply for jobs but we are finding his cv is very tricky as hardly any work history here in the uk and no UK education.
He is never selected on any job application rejection after rejection and he is 46 now.
His current employer is so happy with him thinks he's great etc but it's minimum wage and he can't increase his income or learn new things. Please go easy on me I'm upset about this.

Have you yourself visited the family in India?

How do you know they are desperately poor?

Are they all living in a one room shack in rural India?
I doubt it, and they manage to phone your husband regularly to nag him to send more money. So if they have a phone, they must be doing alright.

You've been sending money over there for years now, has this not improved their lives already?
What is the need for more money? What exactly will any future money be spent on?

Does this man you're with have a wife and children in India?

He is from India, which is not a war-torn country, so his reasons for coming here were entirely economic. How much are you sending back to India per month? I'm sure it's plenty by Indian standards.

We really do need more details.....

Some responses have upset me he isn't using me I know him well he is very respectful and kind and is my soul mate.
I trust him fully. I am glad I have helped him it makes me happy to have helped him.
Yes I know the situation isn't ideal for now or the future but I'm taking a day at a time.
Ds is fine about it doesn't bother him and we have a good relationship ds won't be affected financially he stands to gain alot.

jenpil
No he has himself and I've seen on video call

I think you have run out of options. You will either have to support your "soul mate" and his relatives for the rest of your life, or leave him. if you are that happy to help him, I guess none of us can say anything that will change your mind. It is what it is.

Some of the Indian based call centres only employ graduates, male & female

However, they may not receive the extra benefits like paid holiday, pensions, sick pay etc

I have heard that people chase the money. So no loyalty to any company. Which is similar to people changing jobs in the UK due to the cost of living crisis.

Agree, but you also have to accept he does not have any motivation or need to improve his prospects. What happens when you retire or become to infirm to support him?

As OP said @LIZS she is taking it one day at a time.

Just don't marry him.
If you 're a carer, how did you get way with saying he was your carer?
I'm sorry, but it sounds like you're his meal ticket. And I think you know it.

She may be taking it one step but there is going to be more issues as OP gets older and also she will end up really supporting him if they get to pension age.

Burying her head in the sand isn't a great idea.

I work with learning disabilities but I myself have mental health issues our case wasn't solely built on my needing him for emotional support we are together in a genuine relationship with all proof.
I do appreciate the concerns with posters thinking he isn't trying but he is working full-time and never takes a day off and works really hard at his job and the employer is very pleased with him he isn't sitting about at home he has a strong worth ethos this is a man who dealt with me collapsing at home getting me to hospital and cleaning up the trail of mess at home and at the hospital whilst I was completely out of it.

Againstmachine
He will also get a pension he's paying into workplace and private

In a minimum wage job the workplace won't be paying very much when he retires. And a private one elsewhere it seems money isn't that much of a problem as most people don't have a workplace and a private one.

I thought you had no money to invest in him battering hisself it's seems you do now and couldn't he divert the private pension money to his relatives.

Well I don't know but alot of people's pensions are poor now so I'm guessing we will top up with a little work I don't want to fully retire anyway.

Most people don't pay into a private pension they can't afford to.
Surely if he gives you the sadface 'money for relatives' you just point out that he has his pension money. Which, by the way is solely for him and not you as you're not married.
What do you mean 'I don't know' how have you not questioned him about this.

OP I appreciate this kind of work isn't for everyone, but it he can show that his English skills are good enough & if he has personal experience of supporting family, I would he consider working with children/young people?
I have a few friends who have gone this route, working with children in children's homes or as assistants in SEN schools or PRU. Training for NVQs come with the job, and there's scope to progress. It's an area where they value life experience, different ages & where they're often short of male staff in particular. Obviously it's not a job that just anyone can do but they do tend to look at personal experience and values not just a traditional CV. One of my friends did this and eventually ended up a children's home manager.

I am beginning to wonder why they aren’t married. Yes it seems a bad idea for op to marry this person but when you think about it she says he’s her soulmate and many people tend to marry when the feeling is mutual. I do wonder if it’s him that doesn’t want to marry her because it will turn out he is the one with the assets he’s probably been building up either for himself or family. I think there is a nice pot somewhere the more I think about it.

I don't think that would be a problem for him tbh. It's not that hard to hide what you own abroad if the spouse doesn't know about it. Ex friend didn't declare flat in her native country she bought essentially with his money (cash movements over the years so not easy to trace anyway)...

Personally, I would ignore people saying he's here for nefarious reasons, that's said on every thread where there is a husband or wife coming from a less advantaged country, but a lot of cross-cultural relationships work just fine, it's sensible to keep your eyes and ears open nevertheless about where money is going and making sure that you and your son are never disadvantaged in this situation.

I would also congratulate him on his full time job! He has no references, no qualifications and no driving license, and this will be a valuable reference/job to put on his CV going forward. I think you need to try to limit getting upset all the time and feeling the world is against him, I have a feeling this reflects a little bit on your own MH more than his lack of success- actually he's working, that's great, and helps your overall position going forward. It's not realistic for him to earn a great wage from where he is starting at right now, but it is there in the future and give that retirement is 67, he has at least twenty years to build on that!

There is a difference between coming from poor country and not having papers here when it comes to relationship with what appears to be a vulnerable woman dunsing the person for years. I am pretty sure OP posted before he got the papers under different username because I remember threads about exactly this situation which even then rang alarm bells and the change of that match is low even in multicultural UK.

Hello, person from 'disadvantaged ' country speaking here. It's not about country but him being an illegal immigrant, squirreling away money giving in to family guilt-tripping etc all of that is the issue. If OP had married a man here on a work visa, or even a refugee well on the way to getting supported settling into life here everything would be hunky dory.

*not married but partnered with!

@Normalsizedsalad @PikachuChickenRice I hear what you are saying- this isn't someone who has come in legally. That said, I have seen it many many times on threads about cross-cultural relationships that people are just marrying for the money. I don't want to be awful about it- but if he was, would he find someone who isn't very rich? And needs a lot of support? It does sound like he supports and cares for the OP and perhaps there aren't a queue of people around willing to do that, so even if there is a transactional aspect to it, then it's one that works for the OP as well as him.

I agree the OP should have her eyes open about where his money is going, but as long as he is not taking her or her son's money and squirreling it away then I think that's fair enough if he wants to send some of it home, this is not uncommon and certainly my husband invested in property in his home country although he did make sure I was on the deeds as well!

I just think it's unlikely he's working in a min wage job supporting the OP and all her issues just to stay in the country and live a similar lifestyle. He might be playing the long game, but I get the impression they are ok as a couple but there is an odd dynamic where the OP wants more from him than he's actually able to give- working in a min wage job and being a supportive partner IS what he has to offer, he's not going to suddenly have amazing prospects because his background or experience doesn't facilitate that.

We don't know the state of their relationship and constantly insinuating he's some type of scammer probably isn't helping the OP, he's doing a good job of pretending for not much gain IMO if that's the case.

Au contraire he has plenty to gain! He was found out and about to be deported. If not for the OP he'd be back in his home country where apparently people are incapable of earning a living wage, so much so his relatives constantly have to beg for money or 'starve'. If that was true he'd be basically condemned to death by going back. Anything is preferable.

If what you said 'not much gain' is true that doesn't put him in a good light either. It means he's lying about his relatives as his home country offers at least enough prospects for him to survive despite what him/his family's claiming that money is urgently needed. If he could do it don't see why they can't.

You talking about him going for someone 'not very rich' again what other choice did he have? I highly doubt that there's a queue of women waiting to date someone like him. The bar is set really low on MN for 'good' men but there are plenty, my own husband has cleaned up my sick, dealt with issues etc multiple time and he's a good provider. There's much better out there.

The OP doesn't want more from him. If you read all her posts they are good on 33K household income with no young children (son at uni but that's temporary).

The MAIN cause of OP's financial issues and stress is him sending money home. And that's what's raising alarm bells. What your husband does is irrelevant, if you've got enough and are happy to send home fine but OP and her DP don't. If they did then she wouldn't be stressing about it to the extent of her 'MH being greatly impacted'.

Regardless of scammer long game or otherwise this issue has to be nipped in the bud.

@Desperatetime how much money (approximately) is sent back to India every month?

My husband came here.fron Greece aged 8 and is now british with a degree and frequently sorts out his workmates poor work out and works hard but they constantly get promoted over him. He struggles to find a better job. He constantly gets a hard time despite doing so much.

Mumsnet will pick holes but it is true

Some of if is discrimination.

I'm British and I see it