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Original poster

So upset about dp prospects

397 replies

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 09:38

I don't know what I wish to achieve by posting here but I need it off my chest.
Dp came from another country several years ago and was granted work permission last year I helped him get work through an agency in a factory setting but it's only minimum wage and he has relatives back in his home country who are always looking towards him for financial help due to extremely low wages there.
Dp attended school in his home country but he left at age 14 to work and help his family who where quite poor.
Dp said there was no such thing as leaving school with grades etc and he was never able to release any potential.
What I've found is that dp is actually very clever and appears to pick things up very quickly and is very capable but we are stuck we can't afford training and he is working full-time so no time and I've helped apply for jobs but we are finding his cv is very tricky as hardly any work history here in the uk and no UK education.
He is never selected on any job application rejection after rejection and he is 46 now.
His current employer is so happy with him thinks he's great etc but it's minimum wage and he can't increase his income or learn new things. Please go easy on me I'm upset about this.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
jenpil · 05/10/2023 16:25

CHRIS003 · 05/10/2023 16:01

You say he is working in a factory ? Has he thought about fork lift training ?
My husband retrained as a fork lift driver - some courses you pay for yourself but others can paid for by employers.a
You get an average £11+ an hour depending where you are in the country. Mainly short term contract agency 12 weeks probation with possible permanent afterwards.

An average of £11 an hour really is pretty much minimum wage.

(It is currently £10.42 for adults in the UK.)

It may not be worth the cost of training just for an extra 58p per hour.

Redpaisley · 05/10/2023 16:27

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 14:58

PikachuChickenRice
He gives me full access to his wages and leaves me to do what I can but all of the time he is coming off the phone with relatives having asked for help he doesn't force me or guilt trip me into sending money but we both end up feeling guilty if its not sent and his siblings keep reminding of the deceased fathers request for him to look after his siblings as he's the eldest.

Of course, he doesn't force or guilt trip you. He knows you would do it anyways.
He is smart enough to know, you are his only option, he is not going to upset you.

8 years ago, he was about to be deported and he went online to find a partner? Anyone in his situation be so stressed, not looking for a relationship. It makes sense why he went online to find someone.

CHRIS003 · 05/10/2023 16:31

This for a starter wage - once you are experienced you can do nights etc up to £20 an hour and you do different licences types of vehicles as well

NortieTortie · 05/10/2023 16:34

CHRIS003 · 05/10/2023 16:01

You say he is working in a factory ? Has he thought about fork lift training ?
My husband retrained as a fork lift driver - some courses you pay for yourself but others can paid for by employers.a
You get an average £11+ an hour depending where you are in the country. Mainly short term contract agency 12 weeks probation with possible permanent afterwards.

Most people in factories who drive a forklift haven't done a forklift course. Minimum wage is going to £11 an hr soon so it's not really worth the paying for it imo. Be better off trying out welding I think.

Againstmachine · 05/10/2023 16:35

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 14:26

TheLightProgramme
Part of the reason is time and lack of funds to a certain extent anyway.

But this is part of problem, of you and him want better jobs then he needs to make time to better himself, and take a lot of the free courses that are offered.

Alstroemeria123 · 05/10/2023 16:42

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 13:24

overwhelmed2023
Can't manage the costs involved in plumbing and electrics and he can't get onto any free training

How long has he been in the UK? I thought that level 2 functional skills courses were normally free if someone’s been resident here for more than 3 years.

Or would he be eligible for a skills bootcamp? https://www.gov.uk/guidance/find-a-skills-bootcamp

Normalsizedsalad · 05/10/2023 16:54

@Alstroemeria123 the bootcamp has 3 years too

TheLightProgramme · 05/10/2023 17:47

To be honest op if you cannot/will not put in either time or funds for training,working on language skills, cv writing etc, you may as well accept it is what it is and its unlikely to improve.

LIZS · 05/10/2023 18:00

Normalsizedsalad · 05/10/2023 16:54

@Alstroemeria123 the bootcamp has 3 years too

Most government funding courses would. Op, how hard has he really tried? Or is he happy enough muddling along with you to sub him and his family? Iirc your ds was unhappy with his presence in your life and sounds as if he has moved on.

PikachuChickenRice · 05/10/2023 18:52

LIZS · 05/10/2023 18:00

Most government funding courses would. Op, how hard has he really tried? Or is he happy enough muddling along with you to sub him and his family? Iirc your ds was unhappy with his presence in your life and sounds as if he has moved on.

Show quote history

The DS is the only sensible one here.
Also OP whatever you do please don't marry this man. Your DS doesn't deserve to be disinherited.

jenpil · 05/10/2023 19:27

Which country is your husband from?

TiredCatLady · 05/10/2023 19:42

OP, I read your previous post. Said as kindly as I can, it seems like you’re on the vulnerable side and it sounds a little like you are being used?
Your DS isn’t ok with this are they?
Think on a few years - your DP has been around for 8 years and not improved their English or their prospects. You met on the internet but their written English you say is poor. They finished school at 14 without formal qualifications and still have none nor an English cert for residence nor a driving license. They are reliant on you for a visa and you’re paying for it. That is a carers visa but they don’t seem to be your carer - if it were income contingent like many on here struggle with then you likely would not meet the criteria on NMW.
Are they reliant on you for housing?
Down the line - 20 ish years on minimum wage while sending money to family doesn’t leave a lot to build a pension - especially not if they don’t have indefinite leave to remain - what will you do when you both come to retirement age?
This might need a step back and a longer think than wanting your DP to have a “better job”. I’m sorry, I really do hope you’re ok.

TheShellBeach · 05/10/2023 21:32

Terrribletwos · 05/10/2023 15:36

It sounds like he has taken advantage of you and thought the uk is the land of milk and honey. Unfortunately for him and you he has found it is not. Send him home to his grasping relatives.

I kind of agree with this.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/10/2023 07:15

TheLightProgramme · 05/10/2023 17:47

To be honest op if you cannot/will not put in either time or funds for training,working on language skills, cv writing etc, you may as well accept it is what it is and its unlikely to improve.

Yes, this. You’ve spent eight years with this man and nothing has changed yet. And everything suggested is shot down.

I fear, this is going to be your lot.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/10/2023 07:39

jenpil · 05/10/2023 19:27

Which country is your husband from?

India.

OP, I’ve read your other threads. You’re a few years older than this man, you’ve given a lot of time and money to him, and you sound really vulnerable and lonely. Your life is hard and having this man in it, sending your money back to India, is not going to be making it any easier. I really can’t see his situation changing.

What is your son’s take on all this?

LizzyLongbow · 06/10/2023 07:53

Hi OP, I remember your previous thread. I'm sorry you're still so worried about this.

I think you know in your heart that even if your DP were to magically get a better paid jobs with prospects that the extra money would just get sent to his relatives.

Unfortunately you are the provider here, not just for your DP but for his whole family, and it sounds like you can barely provide for yourself, given your health.

The situation almost certainly isn't going to change for as long as you choose to stay with him. I'm so sorry.

WrongSwanson · 06/10/2023 07:55

It's the classic romance scam love story , isn't it? Need visa. Meet girl. Get visa. Persuade girl nearly all our money needs to go back home to my relatives.

Op- open your eyes.

Ginmonkeyagain · 06/10/2023 07:59

How about cleaning? Commercial cleaning can be a job that can be done around studying as employers want the cleaning to be outside of working hours. It can open doors to other jobs like facilities management and caretaking.

He only needs enough English to be able to follow instructions.

If he is hardworking and has initiaive he could make a decent living.

Our block cleaner came to the UK 20 years ago and now he runs his own successful cleaning company.

widowtwankywashroom · 06/10/2023 08:00

What exactly do you get out of this relationship OP

CharlotteRumpling · 06/10/2023 08:02

There are jobs in India. Growing delivery services, the gig economy, call centres...
An increasing number of women do work, especially in the cities.
It's not so damn corrupt that no one in an entire family can work.

You are being taken for a ride here. Your son will suffer in the end. Put him first.

Wakeywake · 06/10/2023 09:17

Op, you've posted about him previously quite some time ago and got similar answers. If he started some free English courses last year when this was suggested, he would by now have some qualifications and at least be able to write English. I think you're overestimating either his intelligence, his drive or both.

He's never going to get any job outside manual labour with poor literacy, the sooner he understands this, the better. There's a huge difference between British people who failed English gcse because they couldn't get their head around Shakespeare and non-native speakers who can barely write.

Milliondollars · 06/10/2023 09:25

I do think it’s unrealistic to expect him to gain qualifications at the age of 46 when he has low literacy skills in English and it’s something he could have done a long time ago but chose not to.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 06/10/2023 10:21

Redpaisley · 05/10/2023 15:56

A person who worked as a diplomat should not seek financial support.

Show quote history

I’m guessing this is to me. If course I know millionaires from some industries aren’t known to be generous.

I think the brother had mental health issues, his family kept on trying to persuade him to return to his home country and he said no.

I also agree that a person who worked as a diplomat shouldn’t need financial support.

My friend as far as I recall just had to “send money home”.

I often wondered why her parents didn’t buy a house for her in London as an investment and to be rented out and her live there too as they had the money to do this. She might’ve returned home now, we lost touch.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 06/10/2023 10:25

Milliondollars · 06/10/2023 09:25

I do think it’s unrealistic to expect him to gain qualifications at the age of 46 when he has low literacy skills in English and it’s something he could have done a long time ago but chose not to.

Why would he learn now when he has a meal ticket in form of OP?

And if it’s in India, of course women work there, call centres etc, probably unmarried but they certainly work when younger and if near cities.

I’ve got a friend from South India, I don’t think she sends money home from London but then again her family in India are wealthy.

Janieforever · 06/10/2023 11:21

I feel very sad for the op. I think she’s vulnerable and this man is living off her and so is his family. I also think she’s a single parent and on a low income, so money she could he using to support her kid she’s giving to them

its very clear if he was willing to train to progress he’d have done so, and is coming up with excuses not to. Whilst he has his family pressurise her for money so he can look like the good guy.

its a very bad situation and I hope she finds the strength to kick him out.