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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset about dp prospects

397 replies

Desperatetime · 05/10/2023 09:38

I don't know what I wish to achieve by posting here but I need it off my chest.
Dp came from another country several years ago and was granted work permission last year I helped him get work through an agency in a factory setting but it's only minimum wage and he has relatives back in his home country who are always looking towards him for financial help due to extremely low wages there.
Dp attended school in his home country but he left at age 14 to work and help his family who where quite poor.
Dp said there was no such thing as leaving school with grades etc and he was never able to release any potential.
What I've found is that dp is actually very clever and appears to pick things up very quickly and is very capable but we are stuck we can't afford training and he is working full-time so no time and I've helped apply for jobs but we are finding his cv is very tricky as hardly any work history here in the uk and no UK education.
He is never selected on any job application rejection after rejection and he is 46 now.
His current employer is so happy with him thinks he's great etc but it's minimum wage and he can't increase his income or learn new things. Please go easy on me I'm upset about this.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 07:09

£400 is sent every month then sometimes extra amounts for certain other expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 07:13

Sorry if I misled people but he's from Pakistan not India I didn't want to be too outing.

OP posts:
WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 07:48

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 07:13

Sorry if I misled people but he's from Pakistan not India I didn't want to be too outing.

It’s okay OP I knew it was a Pakistan, this is very common over there, as I mentioned in my post. Are you from the culture yourself? Do you have family who have met him? Because British born girls who marry a cousin have the same problems with these men, they take the absolute piss when it comes to depriving their household for money, they want to be seen as doing a ‘good thing’ so you can’t argue and so they can make you seem like the bad guy. You say he’s not ‘forcing’ you but like a pp mentioned, he doesn’t need to force you as he’s got you where he wants you. If he tried to force you you’d dump him and he’d have lost his meal ticket.

I know of people men that arrive in Europe as illegals and their families are certainly not poor. Yes things improve when they have money coming in (whose circs wouldn’t?!) but honestly he can say no and they won’t starve. He does not respect you and will carry on doing so because it is his “right” and you’re doing fine being from England, his family and him are of the same mindset, they think they are more entitled than you are because you are doing fine. He married you for that reason and you know that but because of your own self esteem issues your bar is extremely low and you think he’s someone special but what he’s doing and his relationship model is very common when they get with British women, until she puts her foot down and their true colours show. And I think you’re afraid of that. So he’s not going to change what he sends back, if he starts earning more, all that will happen is he’ll send a greater proportion back home or put in his own investments over here, for himself as he’s doing with his pension. He’s not stupid, they never are!

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 07:54

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 07:48

It’s okay OP I knew it was a Pakistan, this is very common over there, as I mentioned in my post. Are you from the culture yourself? Do you have family who have met him? Because British born girls who marry a cousin have the same problems with these men, they take the absolute piss when it comes to depriving their household for money, they want to be seen as doing a ‘good thing’ so you can’t argue and so they can make you seem like the bad guy. You say he’s not ‘forcing’ you but like a pp mentioned, he doesn’t need to force you as he’s got you where he wants you. If he tried to force you you’d dump him and he’d have lost his meal ticket.

I know of people men that arrive in Europe as illegals and their families are certainly not poor. Yes things improve when they have money coming in (whose circs wouldn’t?!) but honestly he can say no and they won’t starve. He does not respect you and will carry on doing so because it is his “right” and you’re doing fine being from England, his family and him are of the same mindset, they think they are more entitled than you are because you are doing fine. He married you for that reason and you know that but because of your own self esteem issues your bar is extremely low and you think he’s someone special but what he’s doing and his relationship model is very common when they get with British women, until she puts her foot down and their true colours show. And I think you’re afraid of that. So he’s not going to change what he sends back, if he starts earning more, all that will happen is he’ll send a greater proportion back home or put in his own investments over here, for himself as he’s doing with his pension. He’s not stupid, they never are!

Show quote history

I am white British and my family here have met him yes.

OP posts:
Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 09:31

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 07:09

£400 is sent every month then sometimes extra amounts for certain other expenses.

That is just so much if you guys then cannot improve your life.
How many family members does that sponsor? That is a lot of money as a "help to keep from starving"...

Look, if you guys met when he was already self sufficient etc it would be totally different but this is just... Sadly the suspicious posters, including me, are suspicious reasonably.

Besidetheriver · 07/10/2023 09:49

£400 is a lot of money per month

If he worked for a permanent employer, he could pay into a private pension & receive the 20% tax relief on top. Some employers also pay free contributions into pensions too.

However, pensions can only be accessed at 55 at the earliest

How will he fund his retirement ? Or will he be eligible for the state pension?

Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 09:54

Or will he be eligible for the state pension?
Partial presumably. It's 35 years of contributions for full one, isn't it

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 07/10/2023 09:56

What would the family do if he was still living over in Pakistan and didn’t send £400 a month from the west? They’d survive.

I know quite a few people from eg Pakistan/Egypt/India etc and people can improve their lot and work, they don’t simply choose to starve!

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 10:00

I’m wondering if there is a wife/ex and kids he’s supporting too with that large sum. I just find it hard to believe he’s never had kids or willingly does not want any considering life is all about that for many over there. And also find it odd he’s not married to you, it’s seen as the honourable thing to do unless there is some deception. Perhaps you’ve done the nikah at least? The problem with not being of the same community is you can’t do proper background checks abroad and maybe he’s banking on that with you and your family.

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 10:06

Yes many have land over there and small animals that keeps them fed day. Things are cheap certainly don’t need £400 a month blimey. I doubt they’d starve without his money. If he really is sending it over it’s probably for stupid things like house renovations etc nice to have but definitely not essential and does not account for the rest of the money unless school fees maybe.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 10:13

Besidetheriver · 07/10/2023 09:49

£400 is a lot of money per month

If he worked for a permanent employer, he could pay into a private pension & receive the 20% tax relief on top. Some employers also pay free contributions into pensions too.

However, pensions can only be accessed at 55 at the earliest

How will he fund his retirement ? Or will he be eligible for the state pension?

He will get a state pension but not full

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 10:16

He's supporting 3 brothers 2 sisters and his own 3 adult kids

OP posts:
WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 10:23

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 10:16

He's supporting 3 brothers 2 sisters and his own 3 adult kids

And he’s paying into his own pension. Honestly op I am shocked you don’t think there is anything strange about this whole set up. Where is the mother of his kids? I highly doubt they are divorced unless you’re going to tell me she’s dead.

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 10:23

This just gets worse and worse. You are effectively supporting 8 people. He had 3 kids without any way of supporting them?

I am Asian myself, DH comes from a desperately poor family in a rural area, so I understand full well the culture of supporting family. But this is really taking the piss, especially as it's not a one time thing, but has been going on for years, and will go on for the rest of your life if you allow this.

I don't send a penny to mine or DH's family, btw. If they had an emergency, I would, but they have never asked. I certainly would not agree to a long term financial arrangement.

Also, millions of Asian men help their sick wives. You really have a low bar.

Sausagenbacon · 07/10/2023 10:23

In the end it's up to you if you want to subsidise his family. I wouldn't choose to, but it's your choice.

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 10:25

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 10:23

This just gets worse and worse. You are effectively supporting 8 people. He had 3 kids without any way of supporting them?

I am Asian myself, DH comes from a desperately poor family in a rural area, so I understand full well the culture of supporting family. But this is really taking the piss, especially as it's not a one time thing, but has been going on for years, and will go on for the rest of your life if you allow this.

I don't send a penny to mine or DH's family, btw. If they had an emergency, I would, but they have never asked. I certainly would not agree to a long term financial arrangement.

Also, millions of Asian men help their sick wives. You really have a low bar.

Exactly, he sounds like a grade A pisstaker doesn’t he and those of us from the background can see it.

WomanHereHear · 07/10/2023 10:27

Actually because your bar is so low you’re probably accepting that he has another wife, probably the usual story of he was forced into it blah blah and you’re the one he actually loves yes.

Lentilweaver · 07/10/2023 10:28

Absolute pisstaker. Yes, the Pakistani economy is doing very badly. But that is no reason for you to support an entire family on your quite low income, especially as you have a son of your own, and possibly medical conditions.

I would stay single for the rest of my life rather than support someone else's DC over my own.

Sausagenbacon · 07/10/2023 10:35

Has he got a wife already OP?

JamMakingWannaBe · 07/10/2023 10:36

Does he enjoy his job? Does he want to apply for other roles?

Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 10:38

Just to recap into one so it's obvious:
-11 years in UK without papers (12total)
-Met a woman online (sounds like bit vulnerable, nothing personal, many people are in one way or another) happy to subside him
-Got papers via her after 5 or 7 yeras (depends which thread one reads)
-Still subsiding him AND his family to own detriment
-Doesn't show much self improvement to improve situation, most likely because the subsiding and tolerance of sending significant sum away

You have to admit that just doesn't sound good, does it. At the end of the day OP it's your choice of course, but I think you really have to think hard about it to make sure you can make peace with this life forever.

I also just realised I answered your thread about withheld wages for him. Hope that got sorted. The online immigration system is shite. Though his employer should have had that information before salary was due.

LIZS · 07/10/2023 10:41

Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 10:16

He's supporting 3 brothers 2 sisters and his own 3 adult kids

Have you met any of them? None can stand on their own two feet, or don't have to as long as the gravy train keeps coming. Not sure he will get a state pension tbh. He does not have ilr in his own right yet. His workplace pension is also unlikely to amount to much.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 11:18

Wife passed on several years ago
His kids and Co earn extremely low money in the region of between £80 to 250 a month maximum in our money and electric costs have soured to almost all of some people's salaries out there.
There is the expectation that if he's here in the uk then he should help

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 11:19

Normalsizedsalad · 07/10/2023 10:38

Just to recap into one so it's obvious:
-11 years in UK without papers (12total)
-Met a woman online (sounds like bit vulnerable, nothing personal, many people are in one way or another) happy to subside him
-Got papers via her after 5 or 7 yeras (depends which thread one reads)
-Still subsiding him AND his family to own detriment
-Doesn't show much self improvement to improve situation, most likely because the subsiding and tolerance of sending significant sum away

You have to admit that just doesn't sound good, does it. At the end of the day OP it's your choice of course, but I think you really have to think hard about it to make sure you can make peace with this life forever.

I also just realised I answered your thread about withheld wages for him. Hope that got sorted. The online immigration system is shite. Though his employer should have had that information before salary was due.

Edited

Yes wages where sorted

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 07/10/2023 11:23

LIZS · 07/10/2023 10:41

Have you met any of them? None can stand on their own two feet, or don't have to as long as the gravy train keeps coming. Not sure he will get a state pension tbh. He does not have ilr in his own right yet. His workplace pension is also unlikely to amount to much.

Show quote history

I've met them on video call and his relatives are working not just sitting at home has for state pension it is stated in his decision letter he can get that.

OP posts: