DD doesn’t want play date

[LavendersBlueeee]

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

And what about the other way round? A girl in my daughter's school is really keen to have a playdate and is always asking me when she can come round, but her mum flat out refuses. Who knows why, but that's social engineering as far as I'm concerned. Maybe we are not in the right social bracket, even though the girls are besties at school. I've stopped asking a long time ago. So yes, if your daughter doesn't want to play with another child outside school that's her prerogative. If you were stopping her from having playdates with her friends that's another story and not something that I would do.

I don't think it's strange at all.

This is about the age DS started to know who he liked/wanted to be friends with and who he didn't.

It was the age he started to protest about play dates where really first and foremost it was me and the other mum who were friends, we just happened to have DC of the same age and dragged them along.

You say,, ‘DD doesn’t want to do that, and I’m teaching her the value of setting her own boundaries’

My kids have just left home so I am a bit older. But re this comment, is this really how parents communicate to each other these days? Declining playdates with a statement about boundaries? If so, things have changed a lot! I admit it feels a bit preachy to me.

Anyway OP, some people are being ridiculous on this thread. Of course you value your daughter’s feelings more than the other mum and child. You are just finding a diplomatic way to say no when the other party is being persistent and not getting the hint. It’s ok to want to let them down nicely. Being diplomatic is a social skill. I am an assertive feminist but there is still a place for politeness and decency.

I feel it is a perfectly reasonable question to ask and I am not sure you need all the lectures you are getting here. I think you’ll just have to smile and say , ‘sorry my daughter is just not in the mood at the moment. I’ve no idea why!’ If you say that she is doing no playdates at all, then if they see you going off with another child, then that may cause unnecessary problems.

We have this with DD 6 - who only wants to be friends with one child. So play dates are now mandatory and I’ve started going along too, to model good friend-making behaviour. No idea if it will pay off 🤣

I’d just say to the other mum like “I’ve asked DD and she said no thanks.. she didn’t give a reason but I’ve always taught her that no means no so didn’t want to push for an explanation. Maybe at some point in the future” at least that way you’re showing the other mum that your DD has boundaries and you are respecting them so maybe she’ll take the hint.. and it’s still being honest just omitting that her DD isn’t your DD cup of tea.

Personally I'd not force my child to spend time with anybody they didn't want to for any reason. I'd also be honest to the parents but in a very kind & respectful manner such as "thankyou for the invite, its absolutely nothing personally, but child's name just doesn't feel a connection or friendship with their child's name, as we all know not everybody in life is goingvto be a close friend and that is ok".

Every normal human knows this, its a normal part of life and I would much prefer an honest response rather than sending mixed msgs with repeated fake excuses that leave people confused.

It does baffle me why so many people in general dont know how to communicate basic things like this honestly without being rude or to recieve honest communication without taking things personally. It is completely possible for people to not be friends and not want to spend time together without there being a particular issue! It's normal and everybody should teach their kids that too instead of being fake & confusing.

100% this!

Best for everyone involved if you were completely honest rather than wheeling out an endless fake excuses.

You could phrase it as above, or how about: "Thanks for the play date invite. I have chatted to my DD and she tells me she would rather not come round. For her, your DD is a playground friend during school time but she would prefer not to hang out together outside of school. That's OK, not everyone is best friends with everyone else. That's just the way life is."

It might also be worth mentioning it to the school so that they can steer the girl towards other friendship groups. Be honest with them that your DD finds her attention suffocating.

Don’t make her go. Listen to what she is telling you and respect her boundaries.

YOU like the other mum and child. You are not your child.
Your child isn’t friends with the other kid, she is even clearly telling you she DOESN’T like her. She doesn’t have to like the other kid. (As long as she is kind, but being kind does not mean going on a play date when someone else wants that. Being kind simply means she shouldn’t be mean to the other kid).
Think carefully about which message you are giving her when you ignore her feelings for the sake of not hurting someone else.
There are a thousand ways you can say she is not interested in/doesn’t feel like a play date.

actually, reading your further comments, it sounds like the mum is very pushy and not getting the message (or doesn’t want to get the message) that your and her daughter are simply not friends.
How is she behaving towards others? Is the mum trying to force play dates with other kids aswell?
She seems to be trying to force a friendship.
I’d tell her outright that the girls arn’t friends and it’s making you uncomfortable that she keeps asking when it’s clear that they’re not friends. But I appreciate honesty in others do don’t mind directness.

Agree with saying that they don’t play much together at school at the moment and your daughter isn’t up for it right now, but keep it friendly.
Parents can’t force friendships. I’m saying this as someone who has been absolutely rubbish at dealing with similar situations in the past OP! It’s hard!!

I think it would be good to have a word with the teacher as teachers can discuss importance of having lots of friends rather than abest friend and can steer the other child to other children who might suit her better

Jesus this is terrible advice. I'm sick of girls being told to 'be nice'. Telling a girl she HAS to go to someone's house and she HAS to play with someone she doesn't want to - or else she's 'not a nice girl'

How about teaching girls it's ok to say no

I was encouraged to be a spineless people pleaser growing up, and I’d never want that for my daughter … be polite to the other mum, but don’t make your daughter go, just to ‘be kind’.

Are you okay? Have you been a victim of violence? Do you need a MN hug?

@MNetcurtains I suppose I'll have to give you one, or you might think I'm mean...

Absolutely not. “Be kind” is precisely not the message young girls need to hear more of. They get enough of that. She needs to show her daughter how to set her own boundaries by helping her set them now. Find a nice way to tell the other mum that her daughter doesn’t want to go. This was done to me once, with my son, the mum ended it with a comment like, “I just can’t keep up with who is friends with who any more”. I understood the point and appreciated both the honesty and attempt to soften it. Be honest in a nice way.

Agreed!

I had an exchange with a mum at school whereby we assumed the boys nah want to do a club together in half term so we respectively asked them. My son said yes and hers said no. They’re 6. They are in the same group.

she said that he instead wants to see his granny who’s taking him out for the day.

I said cool and will tell my son he’s seeing his granny instead. No more complicated and no hurt feelings.

Kids have their own feelings and opinions and hopefully if you reply gently she will see that.

Just reply with “I have asked her but she doesn’t fancy a play date at the moment, she has lots of other extra curricular activities so enjoys being at home. You know what kids are like! Thank you so much for asking though. If at all she changes her mind I will message.”

polite but clearly saying no.

Just say she doesn't want to go! It's not your job to make this person feel better about their (sadly) unpopular kid. My DD is fairly popular but just likes staying home so I often turn down offers of playdates/invites etc. Just say thanks but no thanks

It doesn't seem unhinged to me. Perfectly sensible

Probably just been a victim of the patriarchy. Like the rest of us, but more aware! Poster is making an extremely valid point.

Respect her boundaries - you have no idea at the age of 7 there might be a very good reason she does not want to go but doesn't have the language to explain why. You need to teach her its good she has boundaries and you will respect them - don't choose not offending a stranger over your daugther's feelings.

Teaching girls to do things they don't want to do, to be polite? That's setting them up for a lifetime of sexual abuse.

Actually, (yes, I've gone there) The most measured and sensible posts have not involved going in, guns blazing about how this child is going to end up as an oppressed individual for the rest of her life.