Page 11 | DD doesn’t want play date

LavendersBlueeee · 2023-10-05T08:18:38+00:00

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses! The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go. I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them. any advice?

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 18:53

Gerrataere · 05/10/2023 18:38

You don’t seem to have the slightest idea what you’re on about, you’ve gone off on some bizarre rant because you don’t have the comprehension to understand why ‘be kind’ is a poisonous ideology, especially for girls/women. I’d explain it to you, but I’m not sure there’s words small enough. Then seem to think I need a man for some unexplained reason 🤨.

You are very typical of the ‘be kind’ crowd, get very defensive and insulting the moment it’s called into question. I’d tell you to have a nice day as well but you seem far too angry to do that 🙂.

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I'm sorry, I missed the memo where kindness and empathy and giving a fuck about anybody was considered a bad thing. I'm genuinely astonished that this appears to have become some sort of call to arms. I'm very sorry for whatever you have gone through.

Ellie56 · 05/10/2023 19:01

@LavendersBlueeee

From this post it is clear that this girl is causing issues for your poor daughter at school.
She’s suffocating in that she wants to be with her all the time to the point where it’s too much for my DD
doesnt want DD to play with anyone as she wants her all to herself, wants to sit next to her at lunch and cries if someone else is sat next to her. Wants to be partnered up with her whenever the opportunity comes up.

This sounds unbearable. Day in, day out, week after week. Your poor child. No wonder she doesn't want it at home as well!

PP have already given you some excellent suggestions as to what to say to the mum, but if you have not done so already, I would be speaking to the school. Ask them to put support in place to steer this child away from your DD and take the pressure off her a bit. Explain that the problem is so bad your DD didn't even want to go with other friends to this child's party.

She really shouldn't have to put up with this.

Gerrataere · 05/10/2023 19:02

I missed the memo where kindness and empathy and giving a fuck about anybody was considered a bad thing.

Because girls and women are expected to show this behaviour at all times, even to their detriment. ‘Be kind, always’, ‘you never know what someone else may be going through’ and all that spiel. It’s empty nonsense, a girl or woman should always put her welfare first, then consider of kindness is appropriate. Not excuse or put oneself out to accommodate someone else on the expectation of kindness above all else. Kindness and empathy exists, it’s simply not the first consideration a girl/woman should go to when she is in a situation that makes her unhappy or uncomfortable. Because once she has the mentality that being kind to people over her own wants and needs is the priority, then we continue the cycle of expectation of women in society as the ‘fairer, kinder sex (or gender)’. It is not a positive attribute.

Is that adequately explained to you?

fruitsalad87 · 05/10/2023 19:20

It sounds like such a tricky situation, feel sorry for all parties, maybe something along the lines of:

Hi xxx's mum

I'm really sorry but DD isn't up for a play date at the moment, we all think your DD is lovely but in all honesty she is finding the friendship a little bit intense / full on at the moment. I'm really sorry as I know this might be upsetting for you / your DD. I know they are playing together nicely in school and will continue to do so, but I think a play date is a little too much for her right now. I hope you understand and again I'm sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 19:29

Gerrataere · 05/10/2023 19:02

I missed the memo where kindness and empathy and giving a fuck about anybody was considered a bad thing.

Because girls and women are expected to show this behaviour at all times, even to their detriment. ‘Be kind, always’, ‘you never know what someone else may be going through’ and all that spiel. It’s empty nonsense, a girl or woman should always put her welfare first, then consider of kindness is appropriate. Not excuse or put oneself out to accommodate someone else on the expectation of kindness above all else. Kindness and empathy exists, it’s simply not the first consideration a girl/woman should go to when she is in a situation that makes her unhappy or uncomfortable. Because once she has the mentality that being kind to people over her own wants and needs is the priority, then we continue the cycle of expectation of women in society as the ‘fairer, kinder sex (or gender)’. It is not a positive attribute.

Is that adequately explained to you?

What a load of bollocks!

My mother was a strong woman, I was always a strong woman in a male dominated industry and I was considered a bit of a ball breaker. I've never taken any shit from anybody. And I took a lot lot of shit from blokes at a time when it was passed off as 'banter'. I gave as good as I got, That doesn't mean that I can't have compassion for somebody who doesn't the same capacity for standing up for themselves.

SeulementUneFois · 05/10/2023 19:36

billy1966 · 05/10/2023 17:06

OP, I would have a quiet word with the teacher.

If things are as you describe, suffocating for your daughter, then you need to give the teacher the heads up.

Absolutely kindness is very important but your daughter's refusal to go to the party is a clear message to you that she is being imposed upon in school.

IMO there is a big difference between being kind towards a classmate and allowing them to control and manipulate your child through her tears and demands.

My youngest had a friend that ended up in a dynamic like that with another child and it ended up very poorly with school refusal, a real mess.

Speak to the teacher.
Your child needs your support.

Ask the teacher to intervene and not allow your child to be deprived of choice because this child is fixated on her.

I appreciate this is difficult, but I would be listening very carefully to what exactly is going on in the class.

Sometimes busy teachers can accommodate a demanding child despite it being not in the other childs best interests.

This OP!

Gerrataere · 05/10/2023 19:36

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 19:29

What a load of bollocks!

My mother was a strong woman, I was always a strong woman in a male dominated industry and I was considered a bit of a ball breaker. I've never taken any shit from anybody. And I took a lot lot of shit from blokes at a time when it was passed off as 'banter'. I gave as good as I got, That doesn't mean that I can't have compassion for somebody who doesn't the same capacity for standing up for themselves.

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Ok 👍

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2023 19:37

Ellie56 · 05/10/2023 19:01

@LavendersBlueeee

From this post it is clear that this girl is causing issues for your poor daughter at school.
She’s suffocating in that she wants to be with her all the time to the point where it’s too much for my DD
doesnt want DD to play with anyone as she wants her all to herself, wants to sit next to her at lunch and cries if someone else is sat next to her. Wants to be partnered up with her whenever the opportunity comes up.

This sounds unbearable. Day in, day out, week after week. Your poor child. No wonder she doesn't want it at home as well!

PP have already given you some excellent suggestions as to what to say to the mum, but if you have not done so already, I would be speaking to the school. Ask them to put support in place to steer this child away from your DD and take the pressure off her a bit. Explain that the problem is so bad your DD didn't even want to go with other friends to this child's party.

She really shouldn't have to put up with this.

Read this @MNetcurtains

Read it a few times, really slowly.

Then see if you still think this poor girl should not only have to not say a word about this behaviour, but that she should be sent on play dates around her house.

How, how can you not see that where you seem to be congratulating yourself on being much kinder/more empathetic etc than anyone else on this board; what you're actually advocating for is that this poor girl should suck up her own feelings at all times. Why? Why is being kind to the friend more important than being kind to ops daughter?

SAHMTO · 06/10/2023 00:24

@MNetcurtains I’m sorry but this is such a toxic way to approach this. What about teaching your own child their own thoughts and feelings come above doing things they don’t want too just to people please. Let alone questioning why the child is so desperate not to go for a play date.

MNetcurtains · 06/10/2023 04:32

Once you've all had your rabies shots, would you please take note that my original response was made very early on and without the further details the OP supplied.

Catsmere · 06/10/2023 05:58

novalia89 · 05/10/2023 11:32

Maybe you could think of the reason like turning down a date politely ‘thank you for the offer but she is a little shy and isn’t open to play dates with new people atm. She would rather do something that she knows’.

From a dating point of view, I tell myself this when people encourage me to go on a date ‘it’s just a date,
go and then say no’. Am I going to keep saying yes until I marry him? What’s the point on going on one just to get it over with? You have to deal with the effects of this afterwards.

This is the same, she will have to deal with future play dates. You are only postponing saying no. Is she going to keep saying yes until they are best friends? Boundaries are fine and you don’t have to be ‘kind’. This isn’t one of those situations that you have to suck it up and go.

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Yes, if DD goes once that will open the floodgates. She'll never be allowed to say no again to invitations from the annoying child and her mother. Bad enough in itself, but absolutely not the precedent that should be set in any girl's life.

Catsmere · 06/10/2023 06:20

Julimia · 05/10/2023 17:50

Can you not encourage her to go.once , on the be kind route. She may completely change her mind once shes been if she doesn't its perfectly ok then to say shes sorry but she doesnt want to come.

No, just no. DD has to put up with this child (who's needy and suffocating, cries if DD even wants to spend time with other kids - this is in OP's updates) at school. Why on earth should she be made to spend time at this child's house? Apart from anything else, she'll be pestered to go even more if she does once.

JustMarriedBecca · 06/10/2023 08:00

This post has slightly gone helter skelter.

My DD is 9 and has come through the other side of some school drama around age 7. Girls friendship groups are VERY FLUID at that age. Just because they don't want to play one term, doesn't mean they don't want to play another.

Anyone saying to tell the mother their daughter doesn't want to play is causing issues two terms down the road when they inevitably are friends or, at least, closer.

Hence a polite decline or avoidance and repeat.

caodha · 06/10/2023 13:45

I agree - listen to the child - if she’s uncomfortable don’t make her go -

enchantedsquirrelwood · 06/10/2023 14:31

Julimia · 05/10/2023 17:50

Can you not encourage her to go.once , on the be kind route. She may completely change her mind once shes been if she doesn't its perfectly ok then to say shes sorry but she doesnt want to come.

Why?

If someone doesn't want to do something, within reason, they don't do it.

It seems perfectly "within reason" to not go to someone's house if you don't want to play with them outside school.

If I don't want to go to a social event I don't go. #being kind doesn't come into it. Unless it's a family event like a wedding.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 06/10/2023 14:33

SAHMTO · 06/10/2023 00:24

@MNetcurtains I’m sorry but this is such a toxic way to approach this. What about teaching your own child their own thoughts and feelings come above doing things they don’t want too just to people please. Let alone questioning why the child is so desperate not to go for a play date.

Totally. We should be past the era of worrying about what other people think, and putting our own children first.

Again, within reason. Sometimes they have to do things they don't want to do like the aforementioned visiting elderly relatives, but having to be friends with someone because they want to be friends with them isn't "within reason".

Hickry · 06/10/2023 18:18

OP you've had a real mix of replies here haven't you! I can see why it's a bit of a divisive topic among parents but I agree you shouldn't force your child and it's tricky to not make it awkward.

I'd send a message about dd and you both being quite busy and to put a pin in the play dates for a while.

It sounds like the other child doesn't have any out of school activities going on if they're free every night? I'd be tempted to mention in passing to mum one drop off about brownies/rainbows/type of clubs near you (that your child does not attend!) and mention you've heard they're great little friendly groups. (They also tend to not be too expensive). It may be a chance for her to make some out of school friends too with guidance from supervising adults.

Reading your posts this child sounds VERY focused on your child at school. 😳 that would be overwhelming for anyone. Is this on the teachers radar?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 06/10/2023 19:09

Could you compromise? Say dd isn’t into play dates atm but you’re going for hot chocolate at nero/ McDonald’s whatever and do they want to join you? Then scoot off after half hour.

EyeScroll · 06/10/2023 20:05

Either way someone gets upset, so I would choose to stand by my daughter and I would be honest about it. I would ask how my DD wanted me to phrase it and go from there.

My parents used to make me hang out with people I really did not want to hang out with. It made me feel horrible and really messed with my image of what friendship looked like. It is only now as an adult that I am learning that I am worthy of good and kind friends. I really don't agree with those who think she should just play ball.

HauntedPencil · 06/10/2023 20:35

JustMarriedBecca · 06/10/2023 08:00

This post has slightly gone helter skelter.

My DD is 9 and has come through the other side of some school drama around age 7. Girls friendship groups are VERY FLUID at that age. Just because they don't want to play one term, doesn't mean they don't want to play another.

Anyone saying to tell the mother their daughter doesn't want to play is causing issues two terms down the road when they inevitably are friends or, at least, closer.

Hence a polite decline or avoidance and repeat.

Agree with this 100%

Simply - sorry will have to cancel play date DD is really knackered at the mo and just wants to come home and chill nowadays - I'll have your DD over one time instead.

Shumpalumpa · 06/10/2023 21:02

I will ask DD though if she’d like to invite her round here instead

I still remember having to spend time with children I didn’t like as a 6/7 year old, it was awful.

Glad you’re not making dd go for a play date.

OP, you know this girl is possessive, jealous and clingy to your dd.

Why on earth are you asking dd if she wants to have the girl over for a play date at yours?

Are you determined that your daughter has no boundaries at all?

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:19

Shumpalumpa · 06/10/2023 21:02

I will ask DD though if she’d like to invite her round here instead

I still remember having to spend time with children I didn’t like as a 6/7 year old, it was awful.

Glad you’re not making dd go for a play date.

OP, you know this girl is possessive, jealous and clingy to your dd.

Why on earth are you asking dd if she wants to have the girl over for a play date at yours?

Are you determined that your daughter has no boundaries at all?

Edited

Why on earth are you asking dd if she wants to have the girl over for a play date at yours?

where have I said that I am?

Are you determined that your daughter has no boundaries at all?

yes, that’s what I’m hoping for 🙄

OP posts:

OhcantthInkofaname · 06/10/2023 21:20

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:30

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.

Oh fast no - how would you like to made to visit some you didn't want to...

Shumpalumpa · 06/10/2023 21:21

LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:19

Why on earth are you asking dd if she wants to have the girl over for a play date at yours?

where have I said that I am?

Are you determined that your daughter has no boundaries at all?

yes, that’s what I’m hoping for 🙄

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where have I said that I am?

You literally said the below OP.

I will ask DD though if she’d like to invite her round here instead

Original poster

LavendersBlueeee · 06/10/2023 21:23

Shumpalumpa · 06/10/2023 21:21

where have I said that I am?

You literally said the below OP.

I will ask DD though if she’d like to invite her round here instead

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Where? Show me please.

OP posts: