DD doesn’t want play date

[LavendersBlueeee]

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

Just read your post again -didn't take on board the mother has already been turned down three times and is still asking. Dear God! All you can do is carry on declining till the penny finally drops.

OP, I would have a quiet word with the teacher.

If things are as you describe, suffocating for your daughter, then you need to give the teacher the heads up.

Absolutely kindness is very important but your daughter's refusal to go to the party is a clear message to you that she is being imposed upon in school.

IMO there is a big difference between being kind towards a classmate and allowing them to control and manipulate your child through her tears and demands.

My youngest had a friend that ended up in a dynamic like that with another child and it ended up very poorly with school refusal, a real mess.

Speak to the teacher.
Your child needs your support.

Ask the teacher to intervene and not allow your child to be deprived of choice because this child is fixated on her.

I appreciate this is difficult, but I would be listening very carefully to what exactly is going on in the class.

Sometimes busy teachers can accommodate a demanding child despite it being not in the other childs best interests.

I fully respect saying no. I also get the awkwardness. I'd try to deflect a bit and if there are any group or school things just say DD singing there. I'd angle for group settings, as long as you arent the ine inviting them to tag along.

Unfortunately it's either a case of directly saying No or having an awkward-off and carrying on as you are

wow the spite on here to a poor girl who wants a playdate with a school friend - but is perhaps socially struggling - is unbelivable

Is this how people on mumsnet function in real life? who gives a shit about some poor 7 year old who is trying to play with kids in her class.

OP of course it's awkward!! this is a child at the heart of this dilemma.

I have been on BOTH sides of this -I have an autistic child and have felt clearly other parents trying to refuse playdates. I hated some of them for how unkind they were.

I have also had my other child say no to playing with kids he found annoying - and someties you know what - I said to him just do it once then Ill say it didn't work out.

YOu can say no kindly - I think being honest is actually best - say - sorry but she says they aren't getting on well or something -

but ignore the unbelievable attitude on here that you shouldn't care at all about the other mum or childs feeliing.

and speaking to the teacher to help your child? Has it occurred to anyone to. think the teacher will be a lot more aware of the other - less socially competent - child who may be neurodiverse/ may just be crap at making friends/ annoying - whatever it's not the fault of a 7 year old.

If the teacher helps anyone I hope it is the poor child who nobody wants to play with.

I think diplomatic but honest is the way to go. If you think the other mum can cope with hearing it I might say your daughter finds her a little overwhelming at school. If not you have some excellent kind but firm ways of saying no up thread.

I have an intense child. Luckily so far he hasn’t focused that on other children but when that happens I hope someone will be blunt about the situation so I can work on it.

I would tell the other parent that there is a personality clash.

Just reading updates. Sounds like this kid needs some help learning to relate. Could you face being honest with the mum about what the issues are, she may be grateful for it and find it helpful? Presumably she is aware anyway to some point. Sorry if someone else has suggested this andI'm repeating

There was a similar sounding kid in my daughter's class who got diagnosed with ASD in the end

It’s not ‘unhinged’ to say that ‘be kind’ is the worst thing that’s come about for girls in the last few years (or centuries). Fuck Be Kind, it’s social conditioning of the highest level.

Can you not encourage her to go.once , on the be kind route. She may completely change her mind once shes been if she doesn't its perfectly ok then to say shes sorry but she doesnt want to come.

You have some good suggestions as to how to decline politely.

I would actually have a quiet word with your daughter's teacher as well, tbh. It sounds like your daughter is constantly being pressured into letting this girl be next to her or work with her all the time, even though your daughter isn't keen to be her 'keeper', and that's not fair to your daughter. The school needs to intervene possibly to find other solutions to keep the other girl entertained/partnered up/etc. It should not always be your daughter, and she shouldn't have to endure a sobbing child stood next to her when she wants to sit next to / play with / work with someone else.

No, OP should not do this. Read the thread.

You’re being a really lovely Mum and person over this.

I am not quite understanding why Annoying Mum is being so pushy about it - do you think she realised there might be a behavioural issue and is trying to push you into broaching the topic or do you think she is also like the daughter?

I would not lie and say your DD is tired/busy etc. you’ve had some good gentle boundary suggestions citing DD not wanting to and I’d go for that so annoying Mum isn’t left wondering but you’re not saying that her daughter is super draining (she must know/have an inkling, surely..?)

Out of interest what has the school said about it as it seems to having a large impact on your DD and also, the friend won’t be the first emotional limpet they’ve dealt with

For what it’s worth I completely agree with you. We are also in this situation with the added awkwardness that we are good friends with the parents. My DD is older though and wants to be kind recognising that this girl is struggling to make friends a bit. She is one of the youngest in the year and just that but more immature and a little irritating in that way that younger children can be demanding and often make it all about themselves and what they want to do.

We have gotten around it to some extent by a) turning down 90% of the invites
b) offering to have her to our house. DD is then more in control and I can step in and change activities, enforce a going home time, etc
c) Arranging others to be there too so she has an opportunity to get to know another one or two better. You have to be confident she won’t be excluded and keep an eye though. An activity like baking or similar keeps everyone engaged and less cliquey.

DD has now on occasion agreed to go on play dates of her own volition and enjoys them in small doses. We limit the time spent so her empathy doesn’t run dry!

I am not quite understanding why Annoying Mum is being so pushy about it - do you think she realised there might be a behavioural issue and is trying to push you into broaching the topic or do you think she is also like the daughter?

I would imagine (and this is simply my spin on it) that the mum knows on some level her daughter is struggling socially and emotionally. Her daughter has probably started mentioning the op’s daughter a lot and the mum is thinking ‘finally, a friend! I should be encouraging this as much as possible!’.

I have autistic children who never get invited to play dates or parties. If one started mentioning a child a lot I’d be thrilled. But I’d also be very wary about approaching the parent, either I’d find out the other child didn’t feel the same level of friendship was going on or the other parent would probably go cold if they knew mine had ASD/adhd (yes it’s a me problem but sadly this is the life of being a parent of a child with additional needs).

Im not saying this other girl has autism or additional needs. I’m certainly not saying the op’s daughter should go play out of force nor pity. But if it is the scenario I’ve put above, I do feel a bit sorry for mum and daughter. School years can be so hard when you don’t fit in.

Seriously? The worst thing in centuries? Wtf is wrong with you?

I'm guessing you're not currently in a (successful) relationship.

I’m guessing you’re a man 🤣 wtf does being in a relationship have to do with anything important 🤣

As an adult I'd never hang out with someone I didn't like just to make them happy 🙃 why should a child do that? The child has expressed that she, for whatever reason, doesn't want to attend. As a parent it's our job to advocate for our children, not force them to do things they clearly don't want to.

And you’re the one who’s sounding unhinged, why are you derailing this thread over the fact you 1. Think that any woman needs a man to be happy/not ‘bitter’ and 2. Assuming I’m straight at all. Check your misogyny and take your weird ‘need a man’ rant somewhere else, it’s the kindest thing to do…

Jog on. I have no idea what you're on about, and couldn't care less.
I couldn't give a flying fuck what your orientation is. Have a nice day.
At what point did I make any reference anything that you have referred to in your post?

You don’t seem to have the slightest idea what you’re on about, you’ve gone off on some bizarre rant because you don’t have the comprehension to understand why ‘be kind’ is a poisonous ideology, especially for girls/women. I’d explain it to you, but I’m not sure there’s words small enough. Then seem to think I need a man for some unexplained reason 🤨.

You are very typical of the ‘be kind’ crowd, get very defensive and insulting the moment it’s called into question. I’d tell you to have a nice day as well but you seem far too angry to do that 🙂.

I'm not quite sure if I have understood this post, but I think your original post about telling kids to ignore their feelings in the name of kindness is the extremist, guns blazing, unhinged on. But anyway maybe I haven't understood you correctly, so apologies if I have missed your point.

I wonder if @MNetcurtains has spotted the pattern that she he has a different opinion to everyone else on the thread.