DD doesn’t want play date

[LavendersBlueeee]

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

Sorry, but this is your job, your daughter doesn’t want to go to someone’s house and really why should she go?

If you are making her then you are teaching her that other people’s wants are more important than hers.

Okay sounds like having her around yours isn’t an option either. It actually sounds quite tough for your dd so I’m glad you’ve got her back!

Read the rest of the thread, or the very least my replies.
To summarise for you - she doesn’t have to go and I’m not making her.

OP we have had this. My advice:

• do not give an excuse of being busy. Say a polite no:

’i said I’d talk to DD and she’s said she doesn’t want to do a play date at the moment, sorry’

AND then I’d talk to the school and ask them to help change the dynamic between them.

it’s not ok for the other girl to try to control your DDs choices on who to play with. If your DD doesn’t want to play with her it should be ok for her to say ‘no thank you’ and have that be respected. The other girl may be upset, that’s not your DDs responsibility and neither you nor the school should say it is.

it sounds like the other girl needs some support with her social interactions and to find her group of friends. That’s the school’s responsibility.

i know they vary but our school has dealt well with a similar situation, and then that made it easier to give a polite and simple ‘no thank you’ to a play date invitation.

Good.

no I haven’t got time to read the entire thread! Glad you aren’t making her. Your opening post really made it sound like you were quite uncomfortable asserting boundaries for your daughter

I remember those days.
Ds when 6/7 years used to be chased around the playground every break time by a dc who was very tall and kept picking ds up.
I had to steel myself to knock on the mum’s door and explain what was happening and how ds hated it.
Fortunately the other dm was lovely and put a stop to her over enthusiastic ds.
They don’t tell you any of this in parenting class.

OP reading your updates I would go a little further. Have a word with the school as others have suggested - it is poor form if this little one is impacting on your daughters other friendships/enjoyment of school.

You sound so nice OP. I’m not surprised your DD is in demand.

Tricky one. Would it be worth having a gentle and honest chat with the mum as to exactly why your DD doesn’t want to go? Blame the behaviour and not the child etc. Give the mum something to work on to help her DD to make friends. She may genuinely not know what’s going on.

I get this, I have been on both ends. I would say something like.

”Appreciate the invite, thank you. DD however isn’t keen at the moment, and I don’t want to push it as I don’t think the girls play at school very much at the moment. Will discuss it again in a month or so and get back to you if she changes her mind. Have a super weekend!

Acknowledging the invite, making it clear it’s no currently and won’t change mind.
Will only come back to you if changes mind at a later date.

I am a terrible people pleaser and just hide or do things I don’t want to do but really trying not too.

Hard one, I agree with others that she shouldn't be forced, her boundaries and right to say no, need to be respected. But, what's the reason she doesn't like this girl- is this girl a bit of a social outcast or is she unkind? If she struggles to make friends maybe her Mum is worried and is really trying to help her. If that's the case, maybe your dd does need to be encouraged tobe kind and include her. Meeting in a neutral place like a park or soft play where you can go too might work, instead of going to her house? Then you can say to her Mum she doesn't really want to go to friends houses without you at the moment, but make another suggestion to meet up somewhere.

I have this all the time with my son,.he's very much a homebody and loves being at home after school. Nothing wrong with that! So I use the line 'we'll sort something out soon but at the moment he's a real homebody and just loves pottering indoors and chilling out after school'.

Basically don't lie, any offense caused is really not your problem. X

If your DD has never had a play date with this girl and the girl is generally nice, why not ask her to go once and see if she has fun?
If she doesn't she won't have to go again, but if she does then she's gained a new friend.
My DC who is the same age often whines and doesn't want to go places, but once there he has so much fun he doesn't want to go home. I always encourage him to try new things before deciding they aren't any good.

Sorry, just read further replies and understand she is difficult. The Mum is probably worried about her daughter but can totally understand your daughter not wanting to spend any extra time with her. I'd say to the Mum that she is just going through a period of wanting to be at home at the moment, maybe due to all sorts of other activities going on so she is tired.

I think at 7 she probably can’t fully explain why she doesn’t want to go. If it was an adult thinking they didn’t want to go to a social event, you would probably follow your gut. I had a similar situation with one of my children turned out the other child was verging on bullying them. You could always offer for the child to come to your house and see how your dd feels about that?

I would say - Really sorry but she is suffering from attachment and is worrying about being in new places away from her family. We need to leave the play date until she is through this phase. I don't want her getting anxious and worried about something like play date.

The daughter doesn’t want to be friends with this girl and shouldn’t be made to even ‘once’. She evidently doesn’t want a new friend, why on earth would anyone push their kids into a social interaction they’re not happy with? Stinks of ‘parents want their child to be popular’.

Also it’s quite mean to the other girl to make her think that there may be an opportunity for friendship for the daughter to say ‘no never again’.

Some people just come to mumsnet to project all the issues they are going through in their lives e.g. @AutumnFroglets

@LavendersBlueeee you've done nothing wrong to ask others opinion and no you're not ignoring your daughters wishes, you're just asking for how to handle it with the other mum. It's not that hard to read and comprehend.

I don't think children should be forced to play with anyone 1 to 1 if they don't want to. Play dates are a relatively new thing. No child should be ostracised or excluded at school but if she doesn't want to go I'd just tell the other parent "she's not keen to go at the moment" and don't elaborate on reasons. Forcing a child to go to someone else's house if they don't want to and don't have to is a bad idea.

I wouldn’t do this either, why make out the issue is 100% with the op’s daughter, like being with other kids is causing mental health issues? Especially if it’s nowhere near the truth, if that information gets spread to other parents they might not invite her to play dates she actually wants to go to.

I'd talk to her about why she doesn't want to go but ultimately don't force her. You'll have to tell the folks that your sorry but she doesn't want to come over, you could always soften it by the option of adult drinks or a meet up with lots of other families also one day at the park.

If I liked the other parent and thought she was sensible I might be inclined to discuss my daughter finding hers a bit OTT and suggest she tries telling her daughter that some people prefer being in a group to having 1 special friend and she mustn't pester people. If my child was putting other kids off I'd rather know so i can try and modify the behaviour. if the mother is also very reactive and likely to be unpleasant about it I wouldn't

This is my favourite reply. OP never said she was going to force or encourage her daughter to go. I don’t like the tone of posts that say “#be kind” in an almost mocking tone. Considering other people’s feelings is a good thing, surely, even when setting boundaries. People pleasing isn’t a bad thing either IMO as long as it isn’t too costly to our own welfare. OP is looking for a way to protect her daughter without causing upset to anyone else and the reply suggested above does the trick. A little kindness and consideration goes a long way and I would encourage it in males as well as females. No one should have to do something they really don’t want to but no need to call kindness wet .

Really tough one - maybe talk to the school about trying to keep the other child and your daughter apart at times. (We've had to speak to school about DS and other children being kept apart for various reasons.) If this child is not respecting your DD own space at school, they need to be dealing with it as well - under consent/ personal space.
It's how to approach the Mum with a firm no response that actually gets through to her. If you have to be honest with the Mum, maybe also warn the school about what you have said so any back lash can be dealt with.
Does annoy me though when people won't just leave be - the mother clearly hopes you will back down by continuing to pester you.
Good luck

Depending on the maturity of your DD it may be appropriate to explain that the other girl 'crying' is actually her attempt to control your DD.

I have no idea when it's appropriate to convey this message but IMHO understanding coercion is a life lesson best learnt early.

Maybe go with her, and stay for the whole thing. When she shows signs that she is ready to go home then leave together and talk about the experience. Did she end up enjoying it in the end or did she genuinely not want to be there. You can treat it as “we have been invited to xxx house, mummy will be there and we can leave whenever or after one hour.”

Use this as an opportunity to understand why she might behave like this.

my DD had selective mutism, didn’t speak to anyone!! Spoke to the whole family (my guess is all the suppressed conversations came out). I remember being so frustrated and wondering why she didn’t even want to say hello to a friend at school or my friends who she would adore, speak to non verbally but refused to talk.

I later noticed that her body was having a nervous reaction everytime she was asked to speak. She would play with her hands, go funny. It’s like she wanted to speak but physically couldn’t. And I worked with that and we kept on working towards the anxiety behind it.

She is a tween now and to this day, before she goes to someone’s house, if she isn’t comfortable, I make sure we are there together first. If I can trust the family and if she is happy to go there, I then drop her, stay for 30 minutes then leave etc until I can trust the other family.

Good luck x