My daughter overheard another parent commenting negatively on other players in sport team

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My daughter is in a sports team where the standard is incredibly (unusually) high. She has only played a couple of years so isn’t that good but loves it. There’s a noticeable divide between the girls who are really good and those who aren’t - think mean girl shit - and the club has tried to address that. The coaches are amazing.

At a match recently, my daughter was on the sidelines and heard a mum of one of these girls saying ‘x needs to come off, they can’t play and y can, why is she on the pitch’. She was also approaching the coach about tactics. She doesn’t play the sport herself. I messaged the coach after to say what DD* had heard as I felt it was inappropriate. I’ve heard nothing back. Aibu to send a chaser saying ‘id really like to know what you think?

I don’t think parents should be allowed to watch if they try to get involved in coaching or slagging off players, but I’m not sporty and wonder if this is normal. Aibu?

MNHQ EDITED CHILD'S NAME

I feel for the coach. He gets in the neck from the parents of talented kids, because the weaker players are bringing the team down and gets it in the neck from the weaker player’s parents because the talented player’s parents are being mean. Just leave it. Happens at every sports club.

There are so many reasons for playing a team sport other than just winning.
I am not talking about elite academy sport or national training squads but simple grass roots teams.
Any sport that keep girls taking part into teens is good news. Team sports are great for giving a purpose to kids struggling at school and making them part of something. Not to mention health benefits of exercise and working together. And how are people going to get better if they never get to play?
Of course it is important to play at the level that suits your skills, but the idea that anyone not winning is a loser is certainly contributing to why so many teens give up putting themselves out there and give up their previous passions.

Perhaps the coach has a different view. Team sports are complex. Non-playing parents don't always get the full picture.

I agree there’s huge benefits to playing team sport. But in a competitive game the aim has to be to win? No matter the level? You can play sports without being competitive, training and having games where it all ends equal at the end and everyone gets a winners medal. That’s fine, go for it! But in a competitive game or a competitive league then winning has to be the main focus.

If they see the full game, turn up and actually watch at training then they also know which players are good and which ones are crap.

This has turned into a debate on playing to win vs inclusivity. Which is a valid conversation. But it’s not the point of the post, which was about respect and positivity in girls sport.

Ultimately the coach decides who plays, where and how long and parents should support them. This woman disrespected both the young player and the coach. She should wind her neck in and keep her game strategy to herself. If she fundamentally disagrees with the coaches approach she should find another team.

I do agree with you.
I suppose my point is that winning shouldn't be at the expense of everything else.
I know of games where teams have been winning 10-0 and coaches still don't bring on the subs.
And I think the amount of leeway you have for mixing it up should depend on the level. Club footballers earn their place, lower leagues should give everyone the opportunity to play and learn (or drop down/move up a league if that's possible).

I think we might just have reached a consensus! 😂

Surely not?
I was expecting to go another few rounds!

Mate I’ve got to go and yell at some kids and make them feel shit about themselves to drown out my own inadequacies. I’ll be back later for more if you’d rather 👍🏻😂

We introduced a parent/carer conduct code as some of adult comments were awful. As soon as a gobby parent got a match ban it stopped most of the crap

Honestly OP my DS (15) been playing for a local footie team for years. Some of the other parents are just the worst with the things they say & shout from the guidelines. Parents/lines people/coaches AND players can now get yellow & red cards for behaviour etc. My friends son has his coaching qualification & he was running the line maybe 6 months ago (he was yr 10 then & 15 or maybe 14 still) & one dad called him a CT. just awful. he's a child ffs!! Parents of other teams (not My DS) have been caught on camera rolling around on the floor full-on fighting & police had to be called. I've personally heard the match delegate for opposition actually tell one of our players 'you're sh number 3' from sidelines. Again he would have been 14/15 at the time. Tbf at this age there is some bad language on the pitch too as the testosterone kicks in during stressful matches etc. I expect parents/coaches /lines people to be able to control themselves better than hormonal boys though! My DH is often the referee too (he's a coach too) & the things that get shouted at him - he just laughs & it doesn't bother him though. I've said things before to linesman of other team when he was doing v loud coaching as he ran the line (meant to be impartial). I've been told to f off. We've reported other teams & coaches etc for their dreadful behaviour & one or 2 teams have since been banned from playing in our league. It is awful when you overhear horrible comments but unless you actually pull them up on their behaviour at the time there's not much else you can do. The coaches are just volunteers (like my DH) & he would find it v v awkward to have conversations with parents about their language & behaviour. At the end of the day he's giving up his time (a lot of time!) to train the kids & not police the parents. But I do sympathise OP.

lol. managed to highlight sections by mistake. meant to type my friends son was called C word while running the line & I heard match delegate call one of our players a shit

Parents like this are hideous.

I would leave it to the coach to manage. They will know which parents are a nightmare without you raising it.

we had one of these pushy parents. She was so competitive. She took it another step further and would also shout at her own daughter as well as the other girls on the team if they were not performing well. She was also like this with academic pressure when her poor daughter was clearly not that way inclined.

Anyway, the mother was banned from all school sports matches. and her daughter went off at 18 to university. She was no longer the star of the sports field or academically and had an appalling relationship with her mum.

You have raised it once and now leave it.

I don’t think this is for the coach to sort out tbh. What you describe is pretty tame to what we had in my son’s football team. But you could call her out on it yourself, but would probably need to be at the time it was happening. If you hear her say similar at future games, just tell her you feel it inappropriate to be bad mouthing girls who are on the field, and that she should leave it to the expert - the coach. You have to accept that by getting involved, you might be inviting unwanted drama on yourself, but I think that’s the only way you can approach it.

I think around 13 is the age where sport becomes more competitive generally and giving everyone ( regardless of ability) equal time on the field becomes more difficult as kids generally like to win as well. Around us the club that tried this approach simply lost all their good players as they went to other clubs and they couldn't attract new players because they were bottom of the bottom league and the club folded.
I'm not sure what the answer is but generally in the teen years it's very hard to implement the everyone gets a turn regime.

OP my DH coaches DS’s sports team and this is exactly the kind of thing he or the team manager would deal with ASAP.

It’s not on to speak about players in that manner in front of the other children.

Our club and the league we are associated with have a zero tolerance for this kind of thing, there’s a campaign about it and parents can be yellow and red carded over this, and it does result in them being banned from the sporting field.

The kids have all paid the same fees to be there and if anyone feels they are ‘better’ then they are free to leave and find a new team.

Your DD will be sad that you NEVER stay to watch a match. Regardless of work and other children. Of which we both have (including work at the weekend). But I guarantee that she will be sad that you don’t ever stay to watch.

In a competitive team where some players are very good and few not good it will always be difficult and the better players probably get annoyed if the same not good players keep making mistakes or not playing well. Their parents of the good players probably think the less good players might mean the team doesn't win. It's a pity your DD overheard the conversations but she's 13 not 5 and she shouldn't have repeated gossip not you should have told the coach about second hand reported gossip. The coach probably knows the less good players are not playing well but is giving them all some time playing to try to develop them. Could your DD join a team that is more to her own standard?

I'm surprised at all the people saying it's not the coach's business. No, they can't force people not to be complete dicks, but surely they could send an email out reminding parents that this is children's sport, that it's supposed to be fun, and asking them to refrain from criticising children in their earshot. Sports Parents - making a distinction between the super-invested kind and the normal, reasonable kind - are a bloody nightmare. I've come across a fair few across three kids, and I tend to back away slowly if caught in conversation with them. I was at my youngest's first rugby 'match' a couple of days ago. There was a mum loudly criticising the tries and complaining that they shouldn't count. The kids are 7. They spent more time falling over the ball than actually passing it. If one of them actually managed to get it to the end of the pitch, most of the parents cheered as though they'd just won the World Cup. Not Sports Mum through. Oh no, no cheering there. She was also the one shouting at her own child to keep the ball and run when the teachers were trying to get them all to pass as much as possible.

DNephew coaches teams of under 12s - has had threats from DPs.

Yes it's a shame all arent' included - just because some child is a weedy little 11 year old doesn't mean they won't be a huge hulking 18 year old. The ones who mature first get chosen - then get over taken by others through their teens but often the others havn'et had the chances to play.

LOTS of parents have terrible courtside etiquette. It's madness out there. Let's face it, about 0.5percent of the kids are going to make it to elite level yet I would estimate that about 60 percent of parents carry on like Jelena Dokic's dad. It's so cringey and actually disturbing. I think there should be a code of conduct and that parents who break it should be banned. But hey.