My daughter overheard another parent commenting negatively on other players in sport team

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My daughter is in a sports team where the standard is incredibly (unusually) high. She has only played a couple of years so isn’t that good but loves it. There’s a noticeable divide between the girls who are really good and those who aren’t - think mean girl shit - and the club has tried to address that. The coaches are amazing.

At a match recently, my daughter was on the sidelines and heard a mum of one of these girls saying ‘x needs to come off, they can’t play and y can, why is she on the pitch’. She was also approaching the coach about tactics. She doesn’t play the sport herself. I messaged the coach after to say what DD* had heard as I felt it was inappropriate. I’ve heard nothing back. Aibu to send a chaser saying ‘id really like to know what you think?

I don’t think parents should be allowed to watch if they try to get involved in coaching or slagging off players, but I’m not sporty and wonder if this is normal. Aibu?

MNHQ EDITED CHILD'S NAME

This. And if they can’t learn to hold their tongues as adults it says more about them.

I was one of the fastest kids in my school and often the National and regionals relay races could be frustrating as I’d be first for my leg but by the time I’d passed it on and the other kids got it they would not be as fast so we would end up last. My family would NEVER had made a shady comment

Our hockey team also has some kids who just weren’t good and we usually lost or drew at best but you know what - I loved it.

It taught me a lot about team work, and playing sport for the love of the game and getting along with various people. while a bit of competition is good too, I had my solo sports for that.

There’s more than enough competition in this world for kids, and it doesn’t stop when they reach adulthood. What we need more of is empathy, tolerance and understanding of differences.

It’s not football and we don’t stay to watch. We might catch a few mins at the end. I think it’s just coaches from the teams, so no Marshalls as such as far as I’m aware.

Oh sorry I got carried away with the idea it was football

I love this view from a sporty high achiever, thank you.

YABU

We can, and should, stop parents screaming, side-coaching and making a scene from the side. They are a disruption. There's a thread on this at the moment.

You cannot police what people are saying. The mum is allowed to have an opinion. It doesn't seem anything she said was rude or offensive, just the usual nonsense when their little darling is not made to shine as they would like them to be.

You and your kid need thicker skin I am afraid.

You are wrong. She said a specific child wasn’t good enough to play and should be taken off. It was nothing to do with her child. And it wasn’t a private comment; it was said in front of the team.

More importantly are the kids on the team mean about the weaker players? There will always be weaker players- even at elite level there will be the best and the rest.

Id be really concerned if the team members were bitching but adults remarks can be disregarded. Or you could actually attend and challenge those remarks?

I'd say it was more a thoughtless comment however since you weren't there and neither were we, you won't have the exact tone and context of the comment as relayed to you by your daughter. Perhaps the comment was made out of frustration, who knows, but it is generally better to keep those opinions away from where they can be overheard, intended or not.

My dh was a youth football coach. His team was predominantly black and Asian children, the racism those children faced was abhorrent! And this was from the age of 6 years old! Parents from rival teams made comments constantly from the sidelines and on far too many occasions there was physical violence between parents and matches had to be abandoned. Kids sports is nothing like I would have imagined before I was involved in it.

Honestly it is frustrating when a coach insists on ‘everyone having a turn’ when what the team actually want to do is win the game.

I agree that everyone in the team should be of a similar level so as to avoid this issue.

This mother should not be trying to influence the coach but I don’t see the issue of her saying what she said so long as it wasn’t screamed at poor X.

@EaudeJavel "You cannot police what people are saying."

You bloody can! My dp has banned several parents from the touchline over the years!

I am not "wrong" I disagree with you, YOU are wrong 😂

I didn't think she was saying her own child was crap and shouldn't be allowed to take part . She is allowed to say a specific child wasn't good enough, and everyone else can just... roll their eyes and ignore her.

If she started screaming like a banshee from the side "take little Timmy of, TAKE HIM OFF", then yes, you'd have a reason to complain, and she should be told to go away. She didn't do that, did she?

You really need to start taking things not so seriously, and teach your kids to be a bit more resilient.

you are banning people for talking among themselves? Really?

We are not talking about side-coaching here.

If you said your child was frustrated or other members of the team were frustrated, then you might have a point.
If my child is on a team, I want them to play, I don't really care if that makes other parents frustrated.
(if the team is high level really, then everyone should be good)

You've alerted the coach. No doubt there will be a reminder about etiquette on the sidelines but I wouldn't keep banging on about it or expect a reply. Maybe your child would feel happier at a lower standard less competitive team?

Wow.

I wonder if all these people who think it’s ok to slag off a child player would be ok if X were their child. or if the issue were a parent at the school gates saying in front of other kids ‘X is shit at maths, she shouldn’t be in the top set’.

I think that’s a decision for the coach?

Think it's pretty endemic across ANYTHING competitive. We do music comps and you over hear stuff there about how poor some kid is doing compared to their darling. Never mind that the kid has the confidence to get up and try! Also a snobbish element at times, people looking down at others!

In grassroots football I know there is a big push yo get adults to control themselves and to have it about the football and not the comments.

It's not great, but you can't police what people on the sidelines say, and it really has got nothing to do with you. I'm sure the coach knows what they are doing and they don't need you trying to stir up trouble. You sound overly involved.

It's parents like you that spoil grass roots sport.

If your daughter is that bloody good go and get her onto a professional team ... oh wait she ain't that good after all is she? Mediocre eh?

For what it's worth my teenage kid is a world class athlete and is in a national team. And when she was tiny they were the best in shit teams, but you know what? Neither of us cared because it was fun, they was with their friends.

Because they were that good, they were spotted and is now competing nationally. I'm not saying this to brag, it's not a good life for a parent, but to say that letting all kids have a chance to play will not spoil any natural athletes "chance"!

Parents like you spoil it all.

My DD plays her sport at a fairly high level and thankfully now is in a team where the standard is similar across the team. PP are right that it isnt good for anyone when there are wildly different abilities within a team - although there is often no choice given fewer opportunities for girls to do sport. However, that is a separate thread altogether!

In terms of should a parent have been loudly articulating their frustration about who was on/off the pitch - absolutely not. Even when I've felt frustrated about subbing decisions, I would never say it out loud. They are kids ffs, it's grassroots sport and the parents should never lose sight of that.

Ah yes, the "tennis dad" approach to athlete parenting. And it's always parents who don't actually participate in the sport themselves or volunteer to help out. I hear them do it once and they never, ever do it again.

This is also partly why teenage girls give up sport. They think they are not good enough.
X will know what was said because the others will tell her.
Sport should be for everyone, and those who are really good, there are competitive environments where they can play.
It really is the worst when your child is a second division under 12 year old and people are still saying that they shouldn't get five minutes on the pitch in case it affects the result.

breaking news, it happens all the time. It's VERY rare there's not some disgruntled bored parent moaning about something.

It's about sports, about the lead role in the play that year, the star of the month. It doesn't matter, no one cares, and you need to teach your children to ignore. They are 13, not 4!

Sometimes people comment because they have a point, a player is not good, most often is because they are jealous their kid hasn't got the spot. Who cares.