My daughter overheard another parent commenting negatively on other players in sport team

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My daughter is in a sports team where the standard is incredibly (unusually) high. She has only played a couple of years so isn’t that good but loves it. There’s a noticeable divide between the girls who are really good and those who aren’t - think mean girl shit - and the club has tried to address that. The coaches are amazing.

At a match recently, my daughter was on the sidelines and heard a mum of one of these girls saying ‘x needs to come off, they can’t play and y can, why is she on the pitch’. She was also approaching the coach about tactics. She doesn’t play the sport herself. I messaged the coach after to say what DD* had heard as I felt it was inappropriate. I’ve heard nothing back. Aibu to send a chaser saying ‘id really like to know what you think?

I don’t think parents should be allowed to watch if they try to get involved in coaching or slagging off players, but I’m not sporty and wonder if this is normal. Aibu?

MNHQ EDITED CHILD'S NAME

Oh my God you work and have other children, I had no idea. .....just like the vast majority of parents and indeed coaches (of which I am one)

Clearly not at match times though, for you? I think that’s key.

I’m glad she didn’t tbh! 😂 but yes I imagine she was tempted, but the power dynamics might make that challenge seem rude.

What a daft comment. Of course he plays for the enjoyment. He’s not going to be a premier league footballer, but whether it’s premier league or u15’s division 7 the whole point of playing a team game in a competitive game is to beat the other team and to be the best player you can be for the team.

And to learn that you lose, that sometimes you don’t play well, that there are better and worse players, that there’s no i in team. Without twatty adults passing judgement due to their own deep seated insecurities.

Well as a coach I go into to work early the days I have coaching in the evening so that I can make it. Same if there's a match in the evening. Fair enough most matches are at weekends when I am usually off.

Well they are not saying it for a barrel of laughs. They are saying what they see.

Yes, wanting your kids team to win means you now have deep seated insecurities 😂😂😂 what a load of shit.

Ok 😂😂

I think me and my deep seated insecurities have nothing more to say on the subject.

Not everyone has a flexible working arrangement: we don’t.

But if you're dropping and collecting are you going back into work in-between or???? I just find it hard to credit that it never happens that either you or your partner are available to drop and collect but not stay. Its clearly not important to you, that's fine obviously. But then you don't really get to stick your oar in, especially for something fairly commonplace

The issue is that most grass roots level sports safe run by adults who are passionate about their sport and often care about winning By about 12/13 it's quite difficult to find clubs/teams for people who are average/below average as many adults are not prepared to give up their team to facilitate a knock about for the local kids. It's shitty and the upper end of sporting bodies should be making sure this happens because physical activity and a hobby is a great thing. But they've got no interest either and you can forget the government taking a role. So it all falls in volunteers/amateurs and they have very different motivations. Drives me mad as it's so exclusionary (and I've got two kids who are playing in competitive clubs)

Considering she's posted in AIBU the OP really doesn't seem to be taking her being unreasonable on board much!

So it stands to reason that if a poorer player is on the pitch for the sake of everyone getting a turn then that standard is going to be lowered which will affect the game.

This is just embarrassing. It doesn't matter if 'the standard is lowered'. It doesn't matter if 'the game is affected'.

These aren't Premier League Academies developing world-class players. This is 13-year-olds playing football at the weekend. Great for kids to get exercise and focus on something and work together as a team, respecting and supporting each other. Clearly not something that is being modelled by some of their parents.

It's astounding to get an insight into the mind of parents who actually think this way.

I’m interested, but not invested. And yes I do get to comment it my child is concerned. Which I did.

I’m similarly shocked.

I posted earlier to say I had acknowledged the view of the masses, and that I was in the minority, and found it really sad?

OP you are absolutely right that this type of behaviour has no place in junior grass roots sport and you’ve done the right thing by flagging it up.

I’ve been involved in junior football for years. The FA has done great work on respect and has codes of conduct, respect training for coaches, respect marshalls at matches etc. Find out if your DDs sport has anything similar to help you understand what behaviour is expected of the parents and what action you can expect from the coach. In the football framework, criticising players from the pitch side and telling the coach what to do definitely breach the code of conduct. I’d expect a quiet word with the offending parent and escalation if the behaviour continues. But that might not be how your sport does things.

Also, get much more involved in the team so you understand its ethos. Is it really toxic or is it just one person? There’s always a conflict in junior sport between inclusivity and playing to win. I’m firmly in the inclusivity camp in that all kids are there to have fun, get fit, learn skills, and all should get match time. This woman is clearly in the ‘play to win, bench development players’ camp and isn’t afraid to say so. You don’t know if other parents or the coach share her views. I’d say the fact she is complaining suggests the coach favours inclusivity and she’s not happy about it. Arrange things so one parent can spectate at some matches at least. Get to know other parents and the coach, be a positive pitch side voice, hopefully you’ll find others who share your values.

If you are unfortunate enough to find out the culture really is toxic and the sport has no framework for fostering respect and positivity, you’ll need to discuss with your daughter if she wants to continue.

I’m similarly astounded to be confronted with the fact that some people don’t think it’s important to be the best you can be and play to win no matter the level you’re playing at.

But clearly we’re from two different schools of thought.

I don’t advocate disrespect in sport and it’s certainly not my place or anyone else’s to coach the team in place of their coach nor to directly tell a player I think they need taking off as they’re just not helping matters. But do I think it’s ok to have that opinion and to recognise when someone is not up to the same standard as others, yep, and that’s where we differ.

But then I don’t have a problem with losers in finals taking off their medals or even failing to put them on and boy does that one set the cat amongst the pigeons 🤷🏼‍♀️

And as for ‘it doesn’t matter if the game is affected’ why bother playing at all then?!

I think the whole winning vs losing thing is a balance. I've coached and been around teams which have done plenty of both, though mostly the latter. What I have seen is that when teams win important games, leagues etc., pretty much EVERY child on that team regardless of how able they are - or frankly how much they contributed in real terms- gets a buzz or a lift from it. Winning feels good! Driving around your village beeping horns and hanging out the windows to celebrate winning a trophy , which would be the norm in rural Ireland where I live, is an experience I would want every child to have at least once in their lifetime. So sometimes to get there, you need in crucial games to field your best team and give limited and with older groups, maybe even no time to weaker players. And in order to get to those finals you need to do a version of that no not nearly so much. You have to balance it with the need to create a good team spirit and that every child feels they are contributing, even if it's more so in training. So the process is important but so is the result (at least sometimes). My son had a terrible experience on a win at all costs foitball team from 8-11, gave up but at 16 has now gone back but in a no pressure way. He enjoys the training and the banter, is rarely put on at matches and totally gets it and doesn't mind. And is very invested in the team winning!

As I said already:

Great for kids to get exercise and focus on something and work together as a team, respecting and supporting each other. Clearly not something that is being modelled by some of their parents.

Some of the posters on the thread are giving incredibly strong Simon Day vibes.

You should hear some of the ‘sub coaches’ (Dads) shouting from the sidelines at under 11s boys footy matches. They forget they are only kids, they act as if it’s a Championship game.

I’m similarly astounded to be confronted with the fact that some people don’t think it’s important to be the best you can be and play to win no matter the level you’re playing at.

don't worry

the so-called "inclusive parents" sing a totally different tune when it's about academic performance. Like the OP, their child is not great, isn't that good so the whole team should forget about competition to accommodate her.

Now when it's about someone disturbing the class and bringing down the expected results of exams of the little darling, it's a whole different story.

There are countless sports you can do just for the fun of it, just for yourself, no one forces you to be part of a competitive team. Once you choose that competitive team, respect the wish to win from the others. Chances are you selected that team over another one for their results in the first place, why else!